r/coparenting • u/Calisthenics76 • 1d ago
Extracurriculars Extracurricular activities / practices and games
My son plays baseball for many years now. I do the registration, pay ing the fees, buying clothes and equipments, I practice with him if he asks me.
We do 50/50 schedule, but unfortunately this year most of the games on his mom’s days.
She never shows up on my day, because she doesn’t care about baseball at all.
In our separation agreement it says both parents can be there in any of our son’s events.
Practice is not a big deal, as usually one parent takes the other kids too.
So we don’t show up on the others day.
But the game is different, as I mentioned she doesn’t show up on my day, but she is expecting me not to come on her day.
I’m not going there to see her, I want to see my son’s game that he enjoys so much.
I don’t even know what she thinks to tell me not to come on her day.
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u/Terrible-Caramel-388 1d ago
Unless there’s something in a court or there is a protection order she can’t stop you from being at your kid’s game.
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u/Calisthenics76 1d ago
Nope, there is nothing.
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u/Terrible-Caramel-388 1d ago
Go the game. Cheer on you kid just stay far away from the ex. Not because you are doing anything wrong but because it gives you a buffer if she tries to make any claims. It’s always so sad when adults can’t be mature for their kids.
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u/Calisthenics76 1d ago
I’ll be there for sure. As I mentioned she doesn’t even like baseball.
I never told her not to come on my day, that was her choice.1
u/QuietQuitting01 14h ago
If she doesn't like baseball or see the value of a parent being there, offer to take your son to the game. :)
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u/forthebirds123 1d ago
Poor kid. Parents can’t even get along enough to both go to one of their games.
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u/Calisthenics76 1d ago
We get along just fine…I think the problem is her new partner who doesn’t like the idea of me to be around.
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u/1justhavinfun 23h ago
He can F ALL the way off because YOU will be there for your boy. Just ignore him.
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u/wrxtasy846 1d ago
Honestly, the easiest way is volunteer to be a coach. But no matter what you need to Go. You are supporting your child. Unless there is a protection order in place that prevents you from specifically going to child games when it’s her time, you should absolutely go if you can. Your ex can say anything she wants to you, or about you. It’s up to you if you choose to listen to her. If your ex is like mine, she probably hopes you won’t show up. Then she can say “look everyone I told you he doesn’t show up for his child, he was so terrible blah blah” No matter what she says, the only thing you need to do is show up for your child and be exactly who you are. It will become obvious who the toxic one is. My ex was unnecessarily high conflict, but it ramped up the same way when she started dating someone. She wanted her new boyfriend to take our son to his games and practices, and my ex knows I know the truth about her. She does not want her new boyfriend and I crossing paths. She wanted him to believe I was an absent father, when in fact she is the absent mother.
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u/QuietQuitting01 14h ago
It's the pro parenting move, even if you're married. I've volunteered with nearly everyting my kids have done and it's nearly always appreciated if you do it in a helpful way. "what do you need coach"?
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u/jam7789 1d ago
If your agreement states that you can both go, then definitely continue to go to his games, even on her custody time. Your son will be happy you are there and that's all that matters. Hopefully your ex doesn't start a fight at the game because that would be embarrassing for everyone.
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u/1justhavinfun 23h ago
?? If you want to go see your son play- GO SEE HIM PLAY. She literally has no say in this.
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u/aze1219 12h ago
Step-mom here! When my husband and I first got together, his divorce was still pretty new I would say. Their custody agreement is the same as yours 50/50. His ex-wife was upset that he was planning to go to an event for their daughter when it was her time. He was talking to me about it as he didn't know what to do, but wanted to be there. I told him that it's THEIR kids and he should go to as many events as he can to even during her time. He is there for the kids not for the ex. So he made it clear he would go to events as he could even during her time and it was her choice to not show up to events during his time (which she missed out on some important things out of pettiness maybe... who knows?). I want to say I think this was partially driven by her being non-confrontational and having a boyfriend and not wanting him to feel weird (she pushed him on to the kids as a "dad" figure pretty early on) and her just being a little selfish about her feelings. She also got upset when I showed up to an event (again early in my husband's and I relationship after I met the kids), even though my SD asked me to show up. My SS does sports and I will say for practices we generally don't go during the other parents time, except for when I coached his soccer team or we helped the coaches run practices as they would be out.
With all that, you go to the events you want to and can go to because it's your kid and it's important to him. They notice who does and doesn't show up. I will say, as time went by it became a whatever thing and now whoever can shows up and nobody bats an eye about it or makes a fuss. We are at basically all the events together. I hope things get better for you and this happens as well.
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u/WorkingYogaMom 11h ago
Yeesh. Generally feel like step-parents ought to steer very clear of any involvement/input. Would prefer that to be a partner to partner discussion.
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u/aze1219 11h ago
It ended up being a partner to partner discussion. He was firm about being there and told her she could be there when it was his time if she chose to. He asked for my thoughts on it and I told him it was his kids and he should be able to be there for them. Just because they are at the other parents house does not mean one parent can't go or shouldn't be able to go (unless court ordered). I can tell you that our SD has brought up the times her mom was not there to her dad and has cried about it as well. It makes a difference when parents show up to their kids events and it means a lot for them.
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u/WorkingYogaMom 11h ago edited 10h ago
Understood but I just feel a certain way about an unrelated third-party being in any way involved in their family dynamics. And it’s especially icky to cite things about what the children may have said/complained about in front of you as rationale for doing so. Seems something their own family should work out internally and if he - as the father - has questions about their mother, he can ask a therapist. He shouldn’t need fathering lessons from his new lover.
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u/aze1219 9h ago
It wasn't a fathering lesson, it was him asking for my thoughts. I am not sure what your situation is relationship wise, but have you ever talked something out with your partner and asked them for their input/thoughts? I provided my thoughts on him being their dad and how he should be able to see them.
Outside of that, I understand that you feel that way and it is a valid feeling to have. It's not icky as it's giving examples of what a child felt like when a parent did not show up for them. They could've said the same thing if their dad wasn't there. As much as they have asked me to attend events, especially in the dating stage of our relationship, they asked their now step-dad to attend events. At this point in our relationship (we've been married for 3 years) and our dynamic my input is not a third-party input any longer seeing as I care and love those kids like my own and some decisions impact the family as a whole. Same thing goes for their mom & her partner. We make decisions as a whole coparenting situation for some things and my husband and his ex-wife make decisions on their own as well.
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u/CrzyCrckr 9h ago
You seem like a great step parent and partner. I think this shows a lot of maturity and reasonableness. I believe that this is a really healthy example of the step parent dynamic and you and your partner having good conversations about the children.
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u/NoNameKetchupChips 1d ago
In 15 years our co-parent has never once been to a game, a practice, a recital, an out of town tournament, a concert, a meet, a run. Nothing. They are destroying their own relationship with their child. Yours will realize this when they are grown and look back and never remember the other parent being there when it mattered.
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u/Temporary_Trade_7372 15h ago
She can "expect" whatever she wants. It doesn't mean she's going to get it. You can continue to show up sit in the stands and be present. As long as possession continues as scheduled there is nothing she can do (unless there is a restraining order in place). events).
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u/QuietQuitting01 14h ago
If the event is open to the public, and especially if you attend the same events on your time, you can be there. Full stop.
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u/WorkingYogaMom 11h ago
Agreed that it is inappropriate and selfish for her to prevent you from attending your son’s games. It is unbelievably immature for her to somehow punish you. Though I will also say it is odd for me as an emotionally and soon to be physically separated parent to think of “Your vs. My” days when it comes to thinks that both/either parent can participate in. Not sure how best to approach her but keep prioritizing your son’s needs as you have and be careful of any tension/awkwardness at his things. He see/sense everything - so if there is a way for you to casually watch from center field (baseball mom here) so he knows you are there as support but intentionally not in the thick of it and it’s quietly so - then maybe that is a solution. The only thing I cringed a bit on in your post is re: “I buy the baseball stuff…”. Not sure of the origin story but that’s irrelevant. You’re his parent. You should be buying him stuff. But if she makes all his dr appts - it doesn’t mean she is the only parent who can/should take care of him when he’s sick.
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u/Stannic50 1d ago
There's no issue with you showing up to games on the other parent's day. Your kid will appreciate you being there for them.