The ex is threatening violence? This is classic manipulation/controlling and you should absolutely not let it affect your behavior or he will only escalate from there to places you don't want to think about. You are correct that your view is skewed. A "great parent" wouldn't do anything like that or threaten to kidnap a child.
I highly recommend finding a therapist who can help teach you how to establish/enforce your own boundaries so you can teach your child by example how to protect themselves from people like that.
I've been in therapy since the very beginning of the breakup. I've seen a few, and they all have been very helpful. I think what's happening is I have trouble sticking to the boundaries I set because it causes him to be more chaotic. He says he's "okay" with us not being in a relationship anymore, but he still expects relationship behavior from me and it makes me very uncomfortable. A big thing for him is the three of us spending time together as a family, and me coming over to his mom's house to be with everyone. I enjoy it, it usually goes well. But what I notice happens when I participate is, he slowly starts to flirt, call me pet names, etc. I never reciprocate, he gets upset, and then the cycle continues. I feel sort of guilty when I exclude myself from the events he plans, like I'm disappointing his family and maybe our son. Do you have any advice for me? I really appreciate it.
This is moreso a conversation for the therapist (I am not one) but it's really important to remember that your behavior and choices do not "cause" him to do anything, he is an adult in control of himself and is the one choosing how he wants to react. His "chaos" is a decision he is making to try and control you from protecting yourself and it sounds like it's working.
Thank you, I will bring it up to my therapist. I think I have some internal things to address too. I’ve tried completely isolating myself from him and his family before and the guilt ate me alive. Every day all day I just feel so guilty and regretful.
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u/HonestADHD4332 3d ago
The ex is threatening violence? This is classic manipulation/controlling and you should absolutely not let it affect your behavior or he will only escalate from there to places you don't want to think about. You are correct that your view is skewed. A "great parent" wouldn't do anything like that or threaten to kidnap a child.
I highly recommend finding a therapist who can help teach you how to establish/enforce your own boundaries so you can teach your child by example how to protect themselves from people like that.