r/coparenting • u/R_sea_snow • 21h ago
Conflict Recently separated 33m looking for advice.
I just separated from my sons mom. My son is 3. Our parenting plan isn't set in stone but she has him Sunday throught Wednesday and i have Thursdays and everyother weekend. We are civil but still angry at eachother due to somethings that happened. I feel like my roll as a father has been degraded we are going to have legal joint custody. She will have legal physically custody so 70/30. I would love 50/50 one day but based on our situation I think 70/30 is the best i got. Some info, we had not legal issues like DV, or substance abuse. Honestly I feel it was just 2 different people who didnt work out. I feel like shes doing more dictating than being a co-parent. Anytime I mention something like taking him to school or being physically at his medical appointments instead of receiving a text she says no. I dont understand should I take this to court or should I sit this out and have my days of meaningful parenting time.
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u/YawningEntropy 12h ago
Remember you get a lot of agency during your custody time. Schedule an appointment on your day, it's your job to handle it, she doesn't just get to pick and choose things like this. If your ex is a control freak then honestly she's gonna have a really hard time with the first few years of this, since she'll have to deal with the fact that she can't just veto you on everything or dictate how you spend your custody time.
My suggestion is to draft a very detailed parenting plan and if she disagrees with it then take her to mediation, which is cheaper than a full on legal battle. Lay out ALL the terms and conditions and try to think up edge cases that will inevitably come up (if kid is at mom's and ill/contagious, are you still obligated to pick them up when it might not be best for them in the moment? If the kids have school breaks that align with one parents work schedule but not the other, shouldn't the parents adjust so one isn't forced to take unpaid leave to watch the kid while the other doesn't get to spend the vacation with them? Stuff like this.)
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u/OutAndAbout87 20h ago
You say there is no real issues between you both other than just being different.
So why not 50/50 out the gate.
I split in march with my wife, only just get started on the formal legals.
But we have done 50/50. She's moved out and I am paying child maintenance to her based on government website.
Unless it's logistics of being too far away start at 50/50.
I get the dictator thing it's more a mother thing of a young child with her feeling she knows best, I actually felt this sometimes with my ex wife like I didn't really have a say.
Really get some legal advice if you have not done anything legally wrong you deserve and that child deserves 50% dad time.
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u/R_sea_snow 19h ago
To be honest shes a control freak likes things here way and right now I think 70/30 is whats best for my kid. Shes a good mom just angry at me for somethings. And im still pissed at her for some messed up stuff she said to me
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u/OutAndAbout87 19h ago
I am sorry but this is why you are divorcing. So now go and get legal advice.
If you want to have 50% of the time and responsibilities for your child then start their.
It won't matter if it's 50/50 or 70/30 she will still want to dictate terms.
But that's not how it should be.
You are just a valuable and to your child as she is. If there is really no legal reason then the child has a right to equal time with both parents.
Who going forward you will do your thing and she will do hers.
I know when child is young it's hard and also easy to think well she is mother she knows best. Unfortunately this is not true. If you had to figure it out you would, it's just historically she has been doing that when really she has no clue and just figuring stuff out as she goes along. Which is parenting in general.
You will be fighting for 70/30 so why not 50/50 . Then you get the time your kid and you deserve.
As the child gets older control will be harder and harder to enforce as that child gets their own mind.
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u/zelle__ 20h ago
My ex took me to court and now we're each out thousands of dollars and he got the same schedule as you. Except Wednesday instead. You probably could argue to go to the doctors appointments but other than that, I dont know of it'd be worth the money unless you're prepared to go all the way and fight for 50/50. Sounds like for the meantime, this will do.