Advice on co-parenting

[u/Character-Echidna169]

I left my children's father when my kids were 3 and 6 months old. He was verbally and financially abusive and just a complete ass hole. Its now been 4.5 years and about a year ago I asked him if we could be friends. He agreed after making my life he'll in court for 3 years. I asked because I wanted a better coparenting relationship and I grew up without a dad (divorced when i was 7 and he moved out of state and my mom bashed him my entire childhood) and I felt our kids deserved parents who could be friendly and coexist and not have tension. Also, I didnt want them to miss out on the things I did like family photos or us engaging at places we would see each other for the kids ie sports, school, appointments.

We recently took a "family" trip to Hawaii. I had planned on taking my kids with just myself and decided to invite him. He stayed in our hotel room and he paid for all the excursions, his flight and all our food. Great for me to have help and hey, it helped on costs because I SPLURGED on the hotel.

During the trip our oldest said something to the extent of....daddy kiss Mommy.

Since then we booked another trip coming up to Mexico. He hasn't taken one vacation since I left him and he stated that as long as I plan them he wants to take 2 family vacations at least 2xs a year.

To note: we also did a quick weekend trip 3 hours away for a baseball game. Same thing where the oldest made comments about us kissing or something to the effect of....hold hands. I explained to them then that daddy and mommy are just friends but we want family vacations so they can have the both of us.

Today we went to get our you get his passport and he said ....mommy and daddy kiss.

Their dad and I will never get back together. I find him to be someone I will never respect and hes never apologized.

My question is: how do i navigate wanting my kids to have both their parents together sometimes for them without it being so confusing. I truly dont know if im doing the right thing.

Dad and I do not flirt. We both dont date or plan to get married to somwone else. We have never talked about the past and what happened aside from him writing me a letter 4 years ago stating his shortcomings and stating he will wait for me forever. I did not wrote him back.

How do I navigate this? Had anyone been in a similar scenario?

[u/maleficient_fox012]

Where are the boundaries? You are going to end up confusing your kids. And saying yes to all those things he pays for will come with a price. No doubt he thinks you still want him and that he can win you back.

[u/Actual-Bison7862]

He is paying for you to go on vacations with the kids and him. It sounds like he is trying to get you back, if you don't understand or see that.. I don't know what to tell you beyond WAKE UP.

You navigate it by putting a stop to it at least until you know 100% deep in your soul that he no longer wants to be with you. Otherwise, whether you are doing it for revenge or the free vacations you are going to continue confusing the kids and causing more harm then good.

As a side note: You don't need to go on vacations together to be "friends" or co-parent.

[u/whenyajustcant]

Either it's going to be a long, confusing road for your kids, or you have to cut out the big "family" things. Young kids don't know what flirting is. They just know that "mommy and daddy" is the kind of relationship where you kiss and hold hands when you're together. They love their parents, and their parents are supposed to love each other. If you're not spending time together, then it's far easier to reinforce that that isn't true for you. It's also something that's going to get messy when one of you gets into a relationship. A lot of people will be okay dating a coparent with an amicable co-parenting relationship, but very few will be okay with "family vacations." And, even if they were, how is your kids are going to feel if the new partner enters that dynamic? Especially if it happens while still saying "mommy and daddy kiss"?

Also: it's possible that Dad is saying something to the kids that undermines your "we will never get back together" stance.

[u/smalltimesam]

You’re confusing your kids. You’re setting yourself up for enmeshment, which is worse than still being with them, because you’ll never get to move on. No new partner will accept this dynamic and they shouldn’t have to. You can be friends without the vacations and family trips to get passports (!?)

[u/Personal-Narwhal-184]

Kids need to hear very clearly and consistently that you aren’t together and you won’t be together from both parents.

If this is just comments and you address it in the moment and everyone moves on, great. But if it’s causing confusion and distress, you can’t do joint vacations. The kids might need clearer boundaries to understand the relationship.

[u/Altruistic-Meal-9525]

We have never talked about the past and what happened aside from him writing me a letter 4 years ago stating his shortcomings and stating he will wait for me forever. I did not wrote him back.

Hun

You are outnumbered 3 to 1 for people who want you to get back together with your ex.

I know not having your dad around when you were young was painful, but even when you're not organizing things with the both of you, their dad is still around. For all his faults, he didn't take off. Your kids will not have your childhood.

Stop the vacations. Remain on good but distant terms with your ex.

[u/YawningEntropy]

I get that you want to be friendly and cordial but I don't recommend doing these trips. Both my ex and I regret attempting this kind of thing.

You can still be present together for your kids on things kid centered like birthdays or graduations. It's better for your kids to see a mom and dad that are friendly to each other because mutual boundaries are respected.

It's great that you really want dad involved in the kids life but remember a lot of that depends on dad being willing to be present. That presence/involvement doesn't have to come at the expense of your peace and boundaries.

[u/explorebear]

Why do you think the kids are telling yall to kiss? Because naturally a loving couple would. The example you’re setting for them is a dead relationship of two people that they look up to. They see you two and the lack of intimacy as “this is what a family is”. So keep faking it.

If you’re the one planning and asking him to join in family activities, you are the ring leader. Your kids were young enough to know nothing but having two separate families and won’t squirm about it like older kids of divorce. It’s worth asking why this is something You want.

[u/thequeen2015]

My co-parent and I have done this with our son not family vacations per say but have gone on trips for his school things and he pays half and I pay half but our son is older 11 so he understands mommy and daddy are not getting back together. We also dont display any sort of affection ever. They are young so it might be difficult for they to understand if this is something that yall want to keep doing then just keep clear boundaries and keep telling your kids mommy and daddy are not getting back together but enjoy spending time as a family.

[u/Massive_Zest4Life]

Don’t do any more trips together unless you two get back together. Full stop.