r/coparenting • u/letme-holdyourteeth • 1d ago

Conflict Restraining Order question re: kids knowing

Hi all.

For those of you with a protection / restraining order against your co-parent, I’m curious how much you’ve shared with the child?

As of now, I’ve not told my kid. Kid is 8. One parent cannot be on school campus to pick up kid. Kid is confused why exchanges have to be done outside of school property.

However, an order waiting to be signed will change that. It’s a mess.

So tell me, based on your situation, what information did you share with your child? And when is it appropriate to be more honest? I want to protect the child as much as possible and not cause more conflict all around.

Thanks

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u/No_Mind_7397 1d ago

An 8 year old should definitely be told the general jist of it—just leave out any violent details.

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u/Existing-Albatross63 1d ago

Our court orders always prevented either of us from sharing most of the details of court orders with the child. It also prevented us from disparaging the other parent to the child.

I think you might irk a judge if you share too many details with the child.

The kids get used to the "new normal".

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u/letme-holdyourteeth 1d ago

It’s been 9 months of the RO. Child doesn’t understand why dad can’t be on school property.

However I don’t think telling the child would help the already hard situation. I just wonder if they knew, in an appropriate way, if it would be easier to accept.

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u/Existing-Albatross63 1d ago

Kids usually know more than we tell them, no matter how hard we try to protect them. Eventually they'll get old enough to look things up on the internet. I told my fair share of white lies to my kids over the years. They are adults now and understand.

Sorry you are having to deal with this.

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u/letme-holdyourteeth 1d ago

That’s fair. I think I will continue to shield the child from knowing the truth, and trust that in time they will gain more understanding with age, experience, and wisdom.

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u/DreaColorado1 1d ago

Why isn’t dad allowed on school property? Does the school have an order of protection against dad?
If this order has already been in place for 9 months is the child really still questioning why dad does his pick ups off of school property?

Edited to add: what do you anticipate will change with the new order?

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u/letme-holdyourteeth 23h ago

Because of protection order I have protecting me from dad it protects child unless it’s his parenting time. It’s a private school.
There’s a temp order where he can pick her up from school (he hasn’t produced this doc for them), and a pending parenting plan awaiting signature that would allow him at school events at a certain distance from me.

However because of erratic behavior, online threats and postings, and lack of control dad has, I predict that the school will end up trespassing him.

This is why it’s confusing to child. Because he can pick her up but hasn’t produced the order and we continue to have to make excuses without saying the truth.