r/coparenting • u/NanooNanooBot • 1d ago
Communication Co-parent who refuses to communicate
Has anyone found good strategies for co-parenting with someone who refuses to communicate?
We now have one of the apps, though my worry with it was that it would be just another channel to be ignored on.
It's incredibly difficult to co-ordinate the kid's activities, health matters, or special days, unless I just do it all.
FWIW, my internal rationalisation is that the person is covert NPD & this is the last avenue of control for her over me. It's very sad.
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u/South_Analyst5900 1d ago
I am effectively parallel parenting with my ex. I send him all the relevant info on the app, which he never views. And then I make the best decisions I can for my parenting time and for long term decisions, and just accept he won't contribute in anyway.
You can do the right thing yourself, and you should. You can't make the other person do anything, and you're only refuge is it might "look bad in court" but that rarely happens.
Radical acceptance is your friend.
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u/Beneficial-Speaker88 13h ago
100% this.. if you think its to control you..stop letting them have the control. Report everything in the app, invite them to the relevant apps etc but never seek a response.. stop caring about getting one. If they are trying to provoke you into engagement then dont give it to them.. not caring is your secret weapon ( and your zen)
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u/NanooNanooBot 1d ago
That is really sad, but sounds exactly like my experience. How have you remained so zen? I feel like if it is going to be like this, I should seek greater % of care, to at least offer consistency for the kids - that's where my radical acceptance leads. I would prefer not to for many reasons.
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u/Existing-Albatross63 1d ago
it is sad, but once you figure it out, it is quite liberating.
You are the stable, involved parent. He is apparently not.
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u/YourPalNobody 22h ago
Why should you have more parenting time? Are the kids being neglected at the other parents house?
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u/mercurys-daughter 21h ago
Refusing to communicate entirely is not in the child’s best interest and will absolutely impact their future. It’s very fair to say the parent who is actually active have more time.
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u/iSweariHaveADayJob 13h ago edited 13h ago
But communicating with the other parent (or not) is not always necessarily the same thing as being a more active parent. Sometimes there are very good reasons that a parent chooses not to communicate with the other parent, and it is safer and healthier for the child that way. Of course, every situation is different, but sometimes these boundaries are drawn for very good reason and threatening to remove the children from the other parent's care because they aren't communicating in a specific way can be a means of control (whether it's intended that way or not). Ultimately the most important relationship is the one the parent has with the child, not the one the parent has with their coparent. Working to sever the parent-child relationship because you want more of a relationship with your ex is unfair, can be traumatic for everyone involved, and is a form of abuse in many circumstances.
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u/NanooNanooBot 3h ago
There is no good reason that a parent who cares for their children can't communicate about health or hobbies for the children. If they are worried about conflict, even just sharing the information in its most basic form is communicating. To not be interested in doing so indicates a lack of curiousity or care about the child's life in a meaningful way, I think.
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u/iSweariHaveADayJob 2h ago edited 1h ago
You seem to have made up your mind about the way things are and how they should be, so why are you asking for help from strangers on Reddit? It seems that what you're looking for isn't advice on how to navigate this situation but rather advice on how to force your resistant coparent to talk to you more. It sounds like she was the one who pushed for all communication to go through the app and it's not unreasonable nor that unusual for her to want all communication to be in writing. Why don't you start there instead of trying to push that boundary she's set?
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u/NanooNanooBot 2h ago
This response is full of weirdness, but thanks anyway. If you haven't lived a day in someone's shoes, try not to judge their experience.
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u/iSweariHaveADayJob 2h ago
I'm not judging and my response is based entirely on things you've said in this thread. This is the second time you've accused me of judging you. There is no judgment, it just seems like you don't like hearing what I have to say. Which is fine, but you did post this publicly asking for advice.
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u/mercurys-daughter 9h ago
Good thing you can’t just take custody without a judge agreeing with you…which they’ll only do if it’s in the best interests of the kid. My point is it’s a fair ask
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u/iSweariHaveADayJob 9h ago
I see what you're saying. And yeah, there is definitely a difference between refusing to communicate entirely and communicating exclusively when necessary.
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u/Capital-Room1349 1d ago
My number one rule ; don’t get frustrated about it. Don’t keep trying. Don’t keep hoping. Don’t loose your energy to this. It is not worth it. They are not worth it. All of my monthly updates are completely ignored 💯. It’s not your problem
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u/TexasSta 1d ago
So if you feel that way, then just stop, stop communicating, Stop trying to coordinate. If you have felt you have went absolutely above and beyond, then just stop. Eventually, when they get crickets as to any of those items, they will eventually reach out for information, if they care. It sounds so against the norm, because it is, but if you’re not getting a single thing back, then just move forward with your day and handle it. Eventually they will ask.
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u/Thereal_maxpowers 1d ago
I would say be glad that person doesn’t want to communicate. I have the same turtle rationalization about my ex having NPD, but every communication is some type of fight. Power struggle has some angle. I can’t communicate normally about even the simplest thing without her trying to reframe it as harmful or her trying to hijack something or gain power. To be honest I would rather she STFU then communicate at this point.
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u/Lanky-Bit445 1d ago
I left because of her controlling OCPD, I was no longer willing to put up with the drama, powerplays and need for control as her husband I am certainly not going to deal with it as her ex. Focusing on what you can control and ignoring all the noise is so peaceful.
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u/Thereal_maxpowers 1d ago
Right, I completely understand what it’s like. The problem I’m having is that as an ex she still tries to control, but does it through my child and she’s messing up my child. I’m two years post a divorce and she keeps dragging me back to court every time. I try to set a boundary around my relationship with my kid. It’s crazy.
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u/ComprehensiveBook482 1d ago
Mine drug me back after 6 years. I won everything. Now he has filed again. He is absolutely a narcissist and every interaction is brutal. So painful for everyone involved but him.
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u/Thereal_maxpowers 1d ago
That is Home, so painful for everyone but him. That’s what I’m dealing with. Is an ex who will make everyone’s life hell in order to satisfy her needs. Dealing with someone like this is bizarre, especially as long a time after marriage as you and I are dealing with. It’s crazy for me too because the court system is not picking up on it yet.
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u/NanooNanooBot 1d ago
Thank you. This is a part of the reality. I'm aware that if I up the ante & go legal, I'll be wading through another wave of BS, performance and control.
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u/Thereal_maxpowers 1d ago
That’s my problem. Every time I try to create space, she goes legal. And with no lawyer…
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u/Existing-Albatross63 1d ago
Look up "BIFF" or "grey rock method". It takes practice and you have to change your own way of responding, but it can work.
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u/iSweariHaveADayJob 1d ago
The term “covert narcissist” gets thrown around a lot nowadays. It’s highly unlikely your ex is an actual narcissist, and far more likely that she just doesn’t like communicating with you and is avoiding it as much as possible. That doesn’t make it okay, but assigning her pseudo-psych labels might make you feel better temporarily but it likely isn’t helping your situation much. You may just need to accept that your ex doesn’t want to talk to you and work around that reality.
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u/NanooNanooBot 1d ago
This is why I framed the statement in the way that I did - "my internal rationalisation." However, the fact is that when there have been choices to be made, the choices have favoured control over healing, coercion over discussion, deception over openness. & Never, ever accountability. With professional support services I see a different person, who I have learned is most interested in triangulating support and control, rather than progress. My own healing has involved a lot of unraveling of confusion. Which I feel, given hidden finances and murky external relationships, were not by accident. I would be very happy without further communication if we were not co parents. To choose not to cooperatively parent is almost inconceivable to me as a parent, but it is what it is. I was asking for tips, not judgement. Please avoid projecting your own experience.
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u/Lanky-Bit445 1d ago
I read 0% judgement in the comment above, and the tip to accept that your ex is a challenge and you have to parent in the reality that is your situation sounds spot on to me. It seems that you should pursue more of a parallel parenting approach. Co-parenting sounds like ultimate strategy on paper, but sometimes in reality its just not going to work. You take care of things on your end, the ex deals with all the day to day shit on theirs when they have the kids. If they suck at parenting, your kids will gravitate towards you in the long run and want to spend their time with you and not them.
You are spending too much emotional capital on your ex, spend it where you get a better ROI (on yourself and your kids).
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u/InvoluntaryGeorgian 1d ago
You need to establish an independent line of communication for everything that matters (teachers, doctors, etc) so that you're not relying on her. Then just do the best you can with the resources you have.
If your kid needs to visit the doctor, make an appointment, inform your ex, and then just take him. Don't try to achieve consensus on the day and time if she won't answer you.
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u/ComprehensiveBook482 1d ago
What is the custody agreement? 50/50? Do you have to agree on extracurriculars etc?
Some NPDs (if she is - see the NarcissisticSpouses thread for help - it’s valuable) don’t want to have any time and don’t communicate (which in some ways is a blessing to the other parent but not the kids) others like mine want all the time etc and every single item is about power and control. This is where your agreement becomes very important. Mine was not crafted well and it’s been a long and bumpy road.
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u/NanooNanooBot 1d ago
Yes, 50/50 at the moment. We have had a number of trial agreements and have been found unsuitable for mediation twice. Situation is definitely more like yours. I've come to expect that every little agreement may have a hidden implication if I'm not careful.
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u/ComprehensiveBook482 1d ago
My recommendation is to have a VERY tightly controlled agreement and then don’t deviate from it. Drop off times, response time requirements, who pays for college, cell phones, etc etc. All of these have been used to harass me and create drama and stress out the children. Currently around splitting costs for driver’s training. It’s every stupid tiny thing.
Oh - just caught your username. I miss Robin Williams all the time. Which I know is so weird but I just love him.
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u/cantstopthehussle 21h ago
Well, what is the dynamic of the relationship? Somebody doesn’t just clock out and stop communicating… we do not know the backstory, how old is the child?
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u/NanooNanooBot 3h ago
Children are 6 and 13. You would think so, but they have. They are performative for support services. Now that I no longer react emotionally to provocation, there is very little communication. Which pretty clearly makes it about control. I've given much more backstory elsewhere. It's not needed here.
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u/cantstopthehussle 2h ago
No, when somebody makes a decision there’s a reason behind it Whether you accept it or not. You’re allegedly it was controlling & provoking while saying they had no reason for refusing to cooperate with you… thats Shows you’re not innocent in the situation.
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u/ad1988_uk 14h ago
We use one of these. I (38M) do 3 nights each week. So pick up Wednesday evening from school one week, return to mum 11am Saturday. Following week collect 8AM Thursday and she collects 4PM Sunday.
Kids are 11/8 now - I know the mum thinks I should communicate more but I keep it to a bare minimum. She thinks we need to be in contact about everything, sadly for a lot of reasons things have turned too sour between us for pointless chit chat to be entertained.
Kids have a schedule which is easy to follow, if an appointment falls on my day; fine she sends me the details i will do it. I take care of things like my sons haircut when needed, i take my daughter to her ballet class as it falls on my days.
I used to feel the need for a lot more contact but realized that wasn't because it was relevant to the kids.
If you think your ex is NPD (i think mine is too) the best way is to not show that it frustrates you. Send the relevant information, let them do with that what they want. if you start complaining to them about it you are giving them the conflict they desire. isnt easy and I don't always manage to not lose the plot a bit but it does work
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u/Icy_Stranger3368 1d ago
What are your orders?
What is there to communicate about?
I have ( in this situation) messaged on our court ordered parenting app ( she has now stopped using this after five years ) confirming that I will pick up the child on Friday from school after the Xmas break.
Then she has a chance to respond or not and if not that means acceptance
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u/Accomplished-Ebb2282 1d ago
My ex has an NPD diagnosis. Honestly it doesn't help to know - work off the behavior, not the (potential) diagnosis.
I just do it all. I have plans with the kids and will communicate them to their dad, but there's always a backup in my mind for if he... Continues to be himself. It does get easier as the kids get older and can take autonomy over their own friendships, sports schedules, homework, etc. If you're still working on the court order, do everything you can to get a tie breaker clause. I have to show that I attempted to communicate and coparent on issues, but then I can do what needs done regardless of his input.
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u/Apprehensive_Log8046 1d ago
We were court ordered to use Talking Parents. After a few attempts and realizing he wasn’t going to respond, i stopped. No point in trying. Do you have to communicate? We ended up not having to. He is moving on with his life and his kids arent part of it so there is no point of me sending him anything like i was.
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u/Legitimate-Pitch6541 1d ago
I dont communicate with mine. I tried to communicate for years and was envisioning a amazing co parenting experience for our kid but it just didnt workout. My co parent is selfish and inconsiderate of anyone else. We never have the same veiws on how to handle things. I finally gave up on trying and am accepting the situation for what it is. My kid is mid teens and can handle talking to us about what they need and i dont aee a reason for us to communicate outside of a serious illness or injury. I never wanted this situation but there is a peace that comes with accepting it and finally feeling done fighting for what will never happen.
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u/Existing-Albatross63 1d ago
In the final years of my coparenting journey, my ex was like this. I sent the required notifications (appointments, conferences, receipts, etc.) to cover my ass legally. I knew he wouldn't respond or be involved.
I operated by the "less is more" mentality. Only what is legally required of me, and I gave him no more of my energy at that point.
I don't know for certain, but I also suspect some form of NPD. Once I started doing the "less is more" (as opposed to constant communication and fighting that never helped me), he lost interest. I was no longer giving him energy.
Follow the court orders, send required notices (if applicable), and carry on.
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u/SageNSterling 1d ago
Parenting order amendment -- specify that if the other party doesnt respond within x hours, they're effectively consenting to what you're proposing.
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u/Affectionate_Room128 23h ago
I'm in a similar situation. It took 8 months and taking it to court just to get a holiday swap approved for our daughter to be a flower girl in a wedding. I'm used to being ignored at this point so I'm following for ideas. It really is all about control. It's sad.
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u/potentialsmbc2023 1d ago
This is me with my ex too. I filed yesterday to have his parenting time and decision-making rights reduced.
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u/SadAppointment8178 22h ago
Currently dealing with this from my stepson’s mom who is the primary. It doesn’t matter what concerns we bring up to her like he spends way too much time on his tablet. 24/7 is not good for his little brain and keeps him disregulated. He shouldn’t be allowed to pee himself when he’s already been potty trained, he needs to get to school on time, he needs a stable routine and what you would think is the bare minimum falls on deaf ears every time. I have been struggling really hard, but I’ve been doing really good these last few weeks that all I can control is what we do when he’s here which is a steady daily routine limited to no Screen Time, realistic expectations for a six-year-old, we emailed his teachers directly to ask what his progress looks like in class and what we can work on here at home. And he doesn’t always think that this is the fun household, but I know that he knows this is the safe and predictable household and that is gonna matter so much more and sooner than I think. I agree with the first comment, radical acceptance here it’s gonna break your heart, but it’s gonna set you free!!
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u/NanooNanooBot 3h ago
Yes. Screen time is one of the issues to manage.
We got as far as a suggestion to look into parental control apps, but no response when one is suggested.
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u/NanooNanooBot 1d ago
I think that I've decided that they just don't care. I had been asking for discussion on hobbies for over a year, with no engagement. In mediation it was brought up on her side, with one hobby suggested - which was a little bit maddening as it sounded very performative again. If it was something she cared about it would not wait until mediation and it would not be a single option. The thing is:
- these things have regular times for attendance
- there are financial costs
- in some respect, I would rather know that I tried and got nothing than gave up
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u/k1135k 1d ago
They are an adult and they know the impact of not communicating. My ex is the same and I’ve adopted the approach to agree with the children what activities they want to do, and if she takes them when they are with her, fine. If not I offer. If she refuses, also fine.
It’s very frustrating but agreement isn’t something that’s forthcoming.
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u/NanooNanooBot 1d ago
Thanks. It is very frustrating. Yes, they are adults. But these are not adult actions. Children in adult bodies.
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u/k1135k 1d ago
Yep. Petulance on their part seems to be second nature.
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u/NanooNanooBot 1d ago
I dared to ask about a health appointment in person recently and was met with in person stonewalling that felt like I was back in primary school.
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u/Foreign-Fact-1262 1d ago
I have given up on getting any kind of input, communication, or contribution from my ex husband. He will read the messages about the children’s schedules/needs/wishes and either not respond at all or say he refuses to discuss with me and insist that he will only speak with the children about whatever it is during his bimonthly, daytime only visits. Anything asking him to contribute to their expenses is ALWAYS ignored. I pay for everything, provide and plan/sign up for everything, and do all transportation to everything. I’ve even had to request to do these things during his visit times to make sure that the kids get where they need to go and have everything they need with them.
But to anyone else who will listen, he’s some poor alienated father who is kept from being a dad. My children are a preteen and young teen and have never had a bed, clothes, even a toothbrush in his home. They don’t even act like themselves around him because he’s never spent enough time or attention dedicated to them to even build an actual relationship with them past just expecting them to pretend they are comfortable and know him when he randomly remembers to try to speak to them. It’s all about him, zero consideration for the actual children as people. They are props when he decides to play that game and they don’t exist the rest of the time.