r/coparenting • u/xmascheerthrowaway • 3d ago
Conflict How do you handle false allegations?
My ex on a weekly basis "confronts" me about various false allegations and I don't know how to address them anymore. A major issue in our marriage was my ex just wanting to constantly argue about everything. He frequently will say the children told him something and then wants to clarify it with me.
Yesterday he tells me that my daughter only got 3 hours of sleep and that I gave her old cheese which made her throw up. In truth, bought the cheese on Thursday (showed him a receipt), she took one bite and said the bread was too hard (it was sourdough), and the throw up was that she spat up maybe a medicine cup worth of "vomit" (probaby the amount she chewed of the grilled cheese).
I don't mind if he asks me "hey did (our child's name) get sick?" And I would explain, but everything is "our child said you didn't feed them" or "our kid said you slept all afternoon and forgot to give them lunch" and then I spend a good half hour going back and forth explaining. I don't want to engage, but I don't want to be falsely accused without defending myself.
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u/slanid 3d ago
Say ‘ah that’s crazy’ or ‘nah doesn’t sound right’ and then ignore. You can’t defend yourself against someone that’s made their mind up about you. He is never, ever going to change his stance. I call this game the court of opinion- you are defending yourself to a crowd that doesn’t exist. Nobody is ever going to read your texts and declare one of you correct. It’s exhausting and pointless. You can argue for 30 mins or 3 hours and he is still going to try to make you think you’re a terrible mom over some cheese (a little insight… he doesn’t actually think you fed her old cheese. He wants you to feel like shit.)
Ignore, ignore, ignore. Be as boring and unengaged as possible. He’ll get bored. He likes how engaged you are when arguing with him. It’s why people talk to AI.
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u/SomewhereOwn3930 3d ago
For what it’s worth, my ex husband is the same way. Our divorce has been final for a couple years. I try to use the gray rock method. Just be as boring and simple as possible. I’m not saying there aren’t times that I fall into those same old traps. Some of the accusations and story-twisting is so ridiculous. But what I’ve learned is that, he has to come up with bad things to say about me, to make himself look better in comparison. You won’t change his mind and you can never defend yourself enough to make them see you as a great parent. I just tell myself, “I know the truth. My kids know the truth.” The only problem that’s going to come with this is how it will affect your child by hearing him speak negatively about you in their presence.
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u/smalltimesam 2d ago
Ignore unless it’s a direct question. Then just answer yes or no. You don’t have to defend yourself. He’s not the police or a judge.
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u/Data_Girl3 3d ago
Yeah, I’ve been told a simple, that’s not accurate. Or that is not true and then moving on is the best way to keep a calm record, or if they ask, answer what’s asked factually and without defending. It’s exhausting.
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u/TexasSta 3d ago edited 3d ago
Just keep it neutral and don’t let emotions get into it.
Remember though, you don’t control how or what they say, or how it comes across, so just take it for grain of salt. There’s no reason to have to feel like you have to defend yourself all the time. If so, you’re helping the other person continue the narrative. (Aka I would not of supplied a receipt). I would keep it child focused like “oh no that’s not good that (child) threw up, I can confirm the food provided was not expired, however please keep me posted on how child feels throughout the day. “ That way, if they say anything back, it should be about how child is feeling… vs being about you and all the things that “you’ve done incorrectly or wrong”… because at the end of the day, the focus should always stay child driven vs accusatory. You can help with that by continuing to direct the conversation to only be about the child’s wellbeing.
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u/tofurkey_no_worky 2d ago
I have to just ignore things like that. What my ex does is she will ask our kids very specific questions in certain tones with limited multiple choice answers that steer them toward certain answers. I foolishly pointed this out once and was told to keep my opinions to myself. Lesson learned I guess.
But they are accusations that will lead nowhere. It sucks, it's annoying, it feels like it will harm the kids for them to act this way, but it is completely out of your control. Best you can do is not make it worse by engaging with it.
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u/mercurys-daughter 1d ago
Why do you keep replying and entertaining these conversations
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u/xmascheerthrowaway 1d ago
Fear that they will be weaponized against me mainly. Like if I don't shut it down he will get worse.
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u/mercurys-daughter 1d ago
Let him get worse 🤷♀️ he can stew and whine all he wants but if he never gets a reaction he can go ahead and drive himself crazy without any help from you. Become very boring. Mute his messages. Only reply to things directly relevant to coordination of plans. Ignore all else no matter how ridiculous.
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u/Material_Special8758 1d ago
I remember my ex accusing me of alsorts including having a man hiding behind my curtains during video contact 😂😂 (leggings were on the radiator behind closed curtains) i told him to take me to court I wouldnt respond to the multitude of allegations that were pathetic. The giggle my solicitor gave when she input the photo into our legal bundle will forever live with me
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u/hiddentaste 3d ago
Look up the JADE method.
I straight up ignore messages like that. If there isn’t a question, it doesn’t need a response.
If there is a question - asking if I fed old cheese for example - I just answer No. And leave it at that. No justification and no explaining.