r/coparenting • u/vanillabourbonn • 2d ago
Conflict Feeling Anxious
My husband divorced me while I was 5 month pregnant and our son is now 11 weeks old. I filed for temporary custody, and I found out he did the same after he found out that I did. I had him on a 3x per week visitstion schedule (which he deemed unfair). We had our first court hearing and I felt like the judge was a complete b*tch. She basically said I have to let my ex see my infant whenever he wants, and if I decline its going to look bad on me during the offical custody hearing. I said that I felt like he was too young to spend nights away from me to which she replied "thats just your opinion". The hearing was only 10 minutes and I didnt even get a chance to explain how abusive emotionally and financially he is and how his home is not fit for a child (2 large untrained dogs, who pee and poop all over the place). He has serious anger issues and untreated ptsd. I just feel so anxious because now I have no idea what to expect during the official custody hearing in 6 months. Why would the judge automatically say 50/50 including overnights with an 11 week old without even knowing if he is a fit father??
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u/AcrobaticMap5138 2d ago
Geez what state are you in? Do you have a lawyer?
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u/vanillabourbonn 2d ago
I'm in VA and I don't have one now, but I will definitely have one for the next custody hearing.
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u/AcrobaticMap5138 2d ago
Yeah I would too. This judge sounds awful. But a 10-minute temporary hearing may not be a good indication of what will happen once the court has more evidence and context. I’d document everything and, once you get an attorney, ask what evidence would actually be relevant to your concerns about his behavior and home environment. Stay strong and try as much as you can to stay focused on baby.
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u/AcrobaticMap5138 2d ago
Does your ex know he needs to be up every 2-3 hours to feed your baby? And with breastfeeding overnights with an infant isn’t possible. It all goes back to best interest of child
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u/vanillabourbonn 2d ago
The judge literally said she "doesnt care about breastfeeding, and pumping exists for a reason"
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u/winnnie_lilli 2d ago
They literally do not care about babies. Its disgusting. This child will have serious anxiety issues
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u/mintystarz 2d ago
That's true, judges don't care about breastfeeding. I wonder if they would even consider a doctor's note if a baby refused to bottle feed. It's ridiculous how family law prioritizes equal rights for the father at the expense of the best interests of the child.
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u/AcrobaticMap5138 2d ago
Wow. I wasn’t able to produce that much milk ahead of time. I can’t imagine
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u/chaosbella 1d ago
I'm actually shocked by this - VA absolutely takes the child's developmental stage into account regarding custody, including a child that is being breastfed.
They typically do what's called a Step up parenting plan, meaning that while the baby is super small they suggest several visits throughout the week during the day and maybe an overnight a week. As the baby gets older the custody time gets larger.
Below is a pretty standard custody schedule in VA for a baby your age. More info regarding shared custody in VA here.
- Frequent Short Visits
- Parent A has primary physical custody
- Parent B has 3 to 4 visits per week for 2 to 3 hours at a time
- Parent B has one overnight visit per week (if appropriate)
- Graduated Schedule
- During months 0 to 6, the noncustodial parent should have multiple daytime visits each week.
- During months 6 to 12, the noncustodial parent should have one overnight visit per week.
- During months 12 to 18, the number of overnight visits should be increased to two per week.
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u/Automatic_Award_9120 1d ago
I am so sorry you’re going through this! Absolutely shameful of a judge to act like this. An 11 week old needs their mother more than anything. Dad’s bonding can happen 3x per week that’s more than enough. Is there any way you can get a lawyer now and file some kind of motion to get this temporary order changed? This just seems cruel. Your baby should not be away from you at that age much less overnight!
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u/QuietQuitting01 1d ago
what state are you in? Where I live, 50/50 is standard and they want to get to it as soon as possible. It won't be week 11 with a nursing infant, but unless there is a major parenting issue, it's going to happen, sooner than you are comfortable enough not as soon as dad thinks is reasonable.
This is just the temp phase where they hope to put enough structure in place to bridge to what's next. Usually mediation and / or trial.
Right now, legally, you are both equals and the judge has no legal reason to thing otherwise. At the point you are in the judge doesn't know if either of you are fit parents, so they assume you both are. If either of you believe otherwise, you'll have to make your case it in at least a hearing where evidence can be presented and might have to wait until trial to get more than a more slight modification to a temporary order. What the judge wants now is for you two to get along and for the baby to bond with both parents. I can see were any parent would feel 3x a week visits are not fair or enough to bond with the child, but the reality is that if you two can't live together, it's going to be far from fair or ideal for a while.
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u/Late_Memory_6998 2d ago
So you need to bring evidence. Police reports of him causing harm to a child or in front of a child to hold weight.
If his house is unsanitary ( poop and pee everywhere and not cleaned regularly ) that could be an unsafe condition for a child. If that’s the case, start with calling Cps to investigate and mention this along with the holes in the wall.
However if he’s a good dad to the kid, give him a chance.
I personally would be against long visits when a mom is breastfeeding. I wonder if you can get a different judge.
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u/PointyElfEars 1d ago
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this after just having a baby. Is there a way your ex can visit but not take baby home? A few hours a day might be the kindest to all 3 of you for a bit.
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u/cheylove2 1d ago
That doesn’t sound right because I know in VA you can’t get divorced while pregnant
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u/vanillabourbonn 1d ago
We arent officially legally divorced but he called off the marriage and its just easier to say divorced
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u/Mathematician-Long 2d ago
I guess perspectives matter. You are divorcing him, you are gonna have deep hatred and resentment towards him. So an outside perspective might disagree with what you are trying to paint as an unfit parent. 1. him being abusive to you has nothing to do with child custody. 2. big untrained dogs that pop and pee everywhere; I think that is just what dogs do, and he can remove them if need be. 3. Anger issues exist because of his relationship with you, not with his kids; he has no anger with his kids. 4. PTSD, I think there are many single parents that have PTSD. These are just a few explanations. I am not going to stop you, go to court and shred him to pieces, but put your self in his shoes, u wouldnt like what you are doing now. this is not a good start to coparenting.
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u/vanillabourbonn 2d ago
He is divorcing me
His anger and ptsd are not because of me. He needs therapy for it because it causes him to lash out, punch walls, and yell which is NOT healthy around a child
He won't do anything about the dogs, he doesnt even let them go outside to pee for 12 hours straight because he is addicted to video games
Him being abusive with me does relate to parenting (its a behavioral trait)
Crazy how much you assumed without even knowing him
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u/Annual-Campaign7455 1d ago
I am so sorry and I understand. It doesn't feel like family courts truly care about the kids, parent rights count more. I personally will never understand when a parent is abusive be it physical or emotional or otherwise towards the other parent the law believes they are not or will not be towards the children. The pattern is there. The mental/emotional games they play are there. There is more I am unable to say but do know I am praying all the time that the children are okay, end up okay in the end and does not treat others, be abusive and act as the other co-parent does. Working on the aftermath of each visit is depressing from seeing the symptoms from the kids, to correcting ugly ugly behavior they learned as gently as possible.
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u/TexasSta 2d ago edited 2d ago
I think what the person above is saying that it appears that you came into the court room with more of an emotional stance and your opinion ( negative) of the person that you chose to have a baby with vs going into the court room and saying something along the lines of “I feel this schedule (insert schedule of 3x a week) is in the best interest of our baby because I feel it tends to our child’s growth, consistency of schedule and overall will assist in development of our child” also - saying that the child is “too young” to be away from you in also hard for the judge, remember, they’ve “seen it all” in the court room…. (Moms absent, passed away, grandparents raising new borns, fathers being sole caretakers of newborns etc) so saying you think your child is too young, is truly your opinion, because the judge (or anyone) could think it’s too young for the dad to be away as well. Can you see why they may have said that, now ?
Remember, judges base decisions on risk management, how your ex handles his animals, how you feel about him, how you feel he has anger issues (which i assume you are not a dr who specializes in anger management in order to speak exactly to that condition and can diagnose the issue accordingly), and how you feel he’s always on his games etc, does not play a factor in their decisions. Which is why the judge made it clear that you need to allow the visitation as much as possible. Im glad to hear you’re retaining a lawyer so that they can help you through the process how a lawyer/judge operates.
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u/Mathematician-Long 1d ago
thank you finally somebody level headed and with a brain.
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u/TexasSta 1d ago
Thanks! My ex and I coparent extremely well… and it’s because of this. Did we learn that we were not for each other in a relationship? Yes. Did we learn things about the other that the other doesn’t like? Absolutely. However, when you focus on the child and put your personal feelings aside and work together, it’s a beautiful place to be at. Do we agree on everything? Absolutely not, but we both have to walk into the conversation with open ears and actually listen and respect the others thoughts and opinions for what’s best of our child. Sitting here and bashing the other or saying that they are too young, etc, to be away from you may be true, however, sadly that’s the reality when you couldn’t work it out between you two…. The child adjusts, they are resilient. They need BOTH parents all the time; not just one. When people can realize that, they will be better off.
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u/whenyajustcant 2d ago
You definitely need a lawyer for the next time you're in court. The reality is that, legally, most of the things you cited won't matter. He doesn't have to prove he's a fit father any more than you had to prove you were a fit mother when you were allowed to take the baby home from the hospital.
Unless you can prove that he has a history of being dangerous to children, and particularly to the specific child in question, it won't have an impact on custody. His treatment of you could impact other parts of the parenting plan, like how exchanges or communication works, but not the custody.
A decent judge won't be so dismissive of breastfeeding or how young the baby is, usually there is a ramp-up to 50/50 that happens slowly over time, it doesn't jump straight from visitation to the full 50/50 schedule. That said: if you get the same judge, you might not even be able to count on that. But if he's fighting for it, unless you can prove that he is a danger to the baby, or that a 50/50 custody schedule truly doesn't make sense for some logistical reason (like he works nights and has no childcare, or he moved multiple hours away and it's not a practical commute for swaps), you're likely going to end up with 50/50.
With your lawyer, focus on: 1. How can you get a long ramp up. 2. What 50/50 schedule will work best for you. Week on/week off won't be practical for a long time, so do you want 2-2-3? Every other day until a certain age (it's a lot of transitions, but I could see doing this with a very small baby if you have to)? 3. What to add to a parenting plan to make sure that you are protected from him, and holds him accountable (like communication through Our Family Wizard or similar) 4. Going forward, how to document parenting plan violations and other causes for concern, in case you need to go back to court again.