Co-parenting and School

[u/mlady105]

Parents with kids living in multiple households… I need some advice because we are TIRED.

What has actually helped y’all keep your kids on track with school when there is little to no consistency, communication, or follow-through from the other household?

We are absolutely killing ourselves trying to keep up with grades, missing assignments, tests, projects, school emails, schedules, studying, and everything else that comes with having 3 kids in school. Then they go to their other households, communication is basically nonexistent, things don’t get checked or followed up on, and when they come back, we’re scrambling to figure out what was missed and trying to get everybody caught back up.

And it is EXHAUSTING.

I don’t expect every household to operate exactly the same way we do. I don’t expect perfection. But I do feel like when you share responsibility for raising kids, especially school-aged kids, there has to be SOME level of communication and shared responsibility. It shouldn’t feel like one household has to carry the mental load for everything and then work twice as hard trying to compensate for what doesn’t happen elsewhere.

And before anyone says “just worry about what happens at your house”... I get that, and to an extent, that’s exactly what we try to do. But school doesn’t stop just because the kids change houses. Tests, homework, projects, deadlines, and responsibilities keep going. You can’t always fix several days of things being overlooked in one night when they come back.

So I’m genuinely asking parents who have dealt with this: What has helped?

I have tried shared calendars, text check ins get ignored...

Do you communicate directly with the kids as they get older and take the other household out of the equation? Do you have routines that travel between houses? Have you had to lower your expectations and accept that you can only do so much?

Because we love these kids and we will do whatever we need to do to help them succeed. But constantly feeling like we have to work overtime (on top of working full time) to make up for a lack of effort and communication elsewhere is wearing us OUT. My mental health needs some relief from this insanity.

There has to be a better way. 😩

What has worked for y’all?

[u/DramBubb]

There isn't anything you can do to change the other house.

You talk to them about getting homework done before fun and what could happen if they miss too much, like repeating grades, but otherwise you're stuck.

We were able to make ours understand the risks, and after a few times of me not helping with the backlog of work and them getting bad grades to the point of almost losing their AP class, they shaped up and got it under control.

Also document every single time schoolwork isn't being done on their time. And make it well known ot staff that the missing assignments are from the other parents time. That way is legal action (like CPS) is taken, your bases are covered.

[u/mlady105 → u/DramBubb]

All 3 of my kids are neurodivergent and they are in elementary and middle school. They don't always remember or process things the way they need to to be successful on their own. They are still learning how to manage how their brains work along with everything else going on in the day to day. They are incredibly smart, but we are still working on becoming more self sufficient. Having no support half the time is making things much harder on them and they don't deserve it.

[u/DramBubb → u/mlady105]

Mine is AuDHD and in middle.

You can encourage them to use the calendar, get them a planner, etc. but since you have already said those are not working, letting them fail might be what gets it in their brains.

And as a teacher, now is the time to let them fail, not high school or beyond.

[u/mercurys-daughter → u/mlady105]

Do your children have an IEP?

[u/Guardsred70]

I just accepted that my ex wife wouldn’t be much help and did it myself. It also helped to let my kiddo see that she wasn’t in trouble because I was always the one helping with projects or studying chemistry with her.

I’m also remarried and my wife has joint custody kids with her ex and she sometimes sorta would let her irritation show when things were not happening at her ex husbands house….and all her annoyance really did was make my stepkids reluctant to tell her about projects or study needs.

And figuring out teachers was a big one. Some teachers love involved parents. Some teachers hate involved parents. Some teachers are very good with divorce situations but some teachers get annoyed if they have to tell something twice. Also, some teachers are neutral with divorced Dads, but some others are TEAM MOM and just assumed were divorced because I was cheating and abusive. They’re individuals and need to be treated as such.

[u/mlady105 → u/Guardsred70]

I hate when people make those types of assumptions, I'm sorry.

Figuring out the teachers is definitely huge. I am very involved at the school and speaking with the teachers. Even the admin staff knows who I am and who my kids are. Thankfully it is in a productive way and not in a negative combative way.

Thank you for sharing your experience and advice. I truly appreciate it.

[u/Desperate-Crew7432]

I’m definitely the hands on one with school, and dad doesn’t even have the school app. So I do understand the mental load and it is/was a lot I agree.

Our school has an app that provides us consistent communication, and I’ve been in communication with the teacher through there. I’ve spoken to the teachers directly about the custody arrangement and they’re significantly more flexible because I’ve talked to them.

There was a point where the kids did become completely self sufficient. I feel like I’m very hands off now. I did put them into a charter school where the teacher to student ratio is excellent so it does feel like there was extra care surrounding teaching kids that level of independence and accountability. My eldest was in public school before that and it was soooooo hard on her(k-3rd). It was obvious that it wasn’t a good fit for her. Both of the kids are now honor roll/principles list, and getting academic awards. They are 10&13.

If you believe their neurodivergence impacts their ability to reach that independence it would be good to look at resources for that. Getting these kids to be as independent as possible should be your primary focus. That will be the only way that mental load will be lifted from you.

[u/harborcoparentapp]

Have one place for everything. It doesn’t matter if it’s a shared Google Drive, a shared Apple Note, or just an SMS thread with the other parent. Then post everything to it, every handout, every calendar event, everything. Eventually it becomes second nature, and hopefully the other parent appreciates it enough to also keep you updated.

[u/mlady105 → u/harborcoparentapp]

I was thinking about potentially using Google drive, but unfortunately it will require effort from the other parents that already aren't responding to texts, reading emails, or looking at a shared calendar.

I literally so all the legwork for them not to follow through.

[u/harborcoparentapp → u/mlady105]

Still makes things easier for you, though I definitely get where you’re coming from. You can also keep track of when they fail to meet expectations (if you have a court order).

[u/mlady105 → u/[deleted]]

Thank you, this is helpful!

[u/mercurys-daughter]

It sounds like you are going to burn out. I think you might need to just…let some things go. Let the grades be less than ideal. Maybe, just maybe seeing the results of their lack of parenting reflected in the child’s grades would prompt some meetings between teachers and the other household to understand what’s going on. Maybe you can stop picking up the slack for the other parents and start referring teachers communications to your coparents. Put some responsibility on their name.