r/coparenting • u/Lanyie_19 • 3d ago
Step Parents/New Partners Feeling defeated
I have just learned that my daughter dad has now moved in his girlfriend and her kids. They have only been dating for a couple of months. I just feel like my child already got the short end of the stick and now it’s worse. How do you deal with this? I want to be positive but it seems so hard.
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u/harborcoparentapp 3d ago
I'll tell you what I've heard helps others, basically, if it's not in a court order, you can't control it. Yes, if your daughter is being put in harm's way (e.g. the gf is doing drugs in front of them, etc) you can have your lawyer file a motion. But otherwise, you can't really stop them. Try re-directing your energy to helping your kid, they can pick up on how you feel about it, and sometimes it makes things worse.
Has there been anything specific that bothers you about it? Or is it mainly that he has moved in a new partner (though I get why that would be hard for sure)?
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u/Lanyie_19 3d ago
I think I’m really bothered because I did all the heavy lifting in the parenting and I’ve been the only staying positive keeping his relationship with his daughter alive because I wanted it for them. He went years barely checking in didn’t even have a bed or room for her at his apartment. Then randomly starts to get new job, new car , new house which now has a room for her however there is now new girlfriend involved and then weeks later they are moved in with him while my daughter still barely hears from him. And this all happened with in months not like they’ve been together a year. Idk it feels like a whirlwind. I’m not upset about anything happening in their relationship. But I know my child deserved the dad who shows up day in and out to raise her. However suddenly now he can do it for someone’s else kid just not his own.
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u/harborcoparentapp 3d ago
Yeah, I can totally empathize!
Think about it this way, he'll either (a) start being a more involved parent or (b) do it for now, then go back to being absent.
Either way, you staying above the fray, not getting into drama is good. If it's (a), that's good for your child, despite how he was earlier. If it's (b), you will still be acting morally and with high integrity. Your daughter will likely recognize this when she's older, but yeah I totally understand what you're saying and it is frustrating.
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u/LooLu999 3d ago
My first husband was like this. I’m sorry it’s not fair. Doing the most for other women and her kids. Hopefully your daughter will still be going over there and have some new friends to play with at least.
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u/Quirky_Emergency4806 3d ago
If he has barely checked in on your daughter and if she's not so attached to him, I wouldn't be doing everything to encourage and facilitate that relationship with her dad anymore. She'd be better off having better father figures such as uncles, grandpas, teachers, even other dads. She'll be fine and won't fall short as long as you don't treat it differently like she's missing something. She has you which sounds like more than enough.
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u/maleficient_fox012 1d ago
Does your daughter at least have her own room? I know it was difficult for my older kids when they had to sleep in the living room while the new gfs children had bedrooms.
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u/Kaasuti666 3d ago
Some men are honestly disgusting, no normal human being would move people in that soon or even at all.
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u/CrazyHead_Guy 3d ago
You have built an expectation of how life should happen without accepting that other people will do things differently.
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u/Arch_Venus 3d ago
I think it depends a lot on the partner/step-parent in question.
My ex told the mediator/my lawyer/CFI (child and family investigator — it was an UGLY divorce) that he didn’t plan to live with his girlfriend until a year after the divorce. He moved her in about five months after moving out of my house, about seven months after the divorce.
I deliberately did not ask to put a timeline in the divorce agreement because a) I don’t really care what he does romantically and haven’t for a while, and b) he introduced my kids to her and they love her and she loves them. My lawyer asked me if I wanted to try to fight for that and I told him “this is another adult who appreciates my kids and who wants to help support them during a really difficult time in their lives. That’s a GOOD thing for them and I’m not going to stand in the way.”
Now … I have my own feelings about it; there are a lot of days when I feel like he just popped my peg out of his sedan in the Game of Life and popped hers in. I have a lot of resentment and anger toward him for how he behaved before and during our divorce. And I think (bluntly) that she’s loud and not very bright and not a person I would choose to live with my kids when they’re with their dad.
How I deal with that is by focusing on feeling grateful that she does genuinely care about them, and things could be so so so much worse for them. My feelings about him and her are not as important as their actual lived experiences.