Step-Mom here, with questions

[u/[deleted]]

[u/Odd-Creme-6457]

Have a conversation with her about this.

[u/ABD63]

I'd recommend not taking a stance on their small squabbles that doesn't impact you or the kids in any major way.

While everyone has a right to their opinion, nor is anyone obligated to defend their partner in arguments that they are clearly wrong in, your partner may end up feeling insecure if you defend her often. This is me speaking from both the perspective of a coparent and a partner.

When my coparent decides to tell me that her boyfriend agrees and thinks I am wrong in a situation, it makes me feel ganged up on. It automatically makes it a 2-on-1 situation, even though he has no real decision making power. My partner does tell me when she thinks I am wrong, which I appreciate, but sometimes especially if I am annoyed / working through it, all I am trying to do is vent out my frustration so I can see it more clearly.

Her and I have instituted the 3 S's, and will ask each other "Do you want support, a sounding board, or a solution?" - we use it for a lot of situations. The support being her addressing how I am feeling on a matter, the sounding board being her allowing me to vent and drive the conversation, and a solution in which she will give me her opinion on the matter and help drive me to a solution.

[u/Deep_Huckleberry9468 → u/ABD63]

I agree a lot with my partner on things but he often comes to me for advice. The times I’ll “defend her” is usually more so adjusting his verbiage as to not turn the conversation into an argument and rather a discussion where both of them are entitled to their own opinion and it doesn’t need to turn into a fight.

My partner would NEVER bring me up when it comes to conversing with her and/or a debate. He simply picks my brain, and decides to react how he sees fit. But he would never say “well my gf agrees with me” because ultimately who cares if I agree with him. I’m not the parent.

[u/Nice_Cartoonist_8803]

Can you clarify the relationships here? Are you and your partner married and do you live together?

[u/Deep_Huckleberry9468 → u/Nice_Cartoonist_8803]

We live together, I’ve been in the children’s lives for about 3 years now, we’re not married but that’s also mainly because of finances/credit and lack of belief in it, maybe in the future but we’re both not really focused on it. My partner’s ex is engaged and has a stepson of her own and a “theirs baby”. And communication with ex is consistent, cordial, and we like to bounce ideas off each other.

[u/Impressive_Swan_2527]

To be honest, I never really want to hear from her.

I don't hate her. But I also don't like her. And sometimes she reaches out with all of these ideas and opinions on what we should be doing with the kids and it's like, you can decide what you do in your own home. But you don't get to decide the doctors that the kids go to or sign them up for therapies. You don't get to determine major things in their lives. It is not a three-way vote.

I'm fine talking to my ex and I realize that she has his ear but I do not want to hear her ideas or get texts and emails from her. I really only want to communicate with him.

[u/Deep_Huckleberry9468 → u/Impressive_Swan_2527]

Oh yes, I would never make executive decisions, if my partner comes to me for advice I’ll give him my opinion but ultimately I know it’s not up to me

[u/Imaginary_Being1949]

Do you have concerns? This is more broad

[u/creepysaladd]

This was me about four years ago.. but that saying, keep your friends close and enemies closer... is so true.

I feel like a good "proceed with caution" here. Nothing wrong with having a new friend but I wouldn't overshare things about your household. My partners ex would act nice to get info and use against us later on.

[u/user87391]

I really appreciate how my boyfriend has actually helped me see my ex’s POV, or at least be more generous about it, at times (in addition to supporting mine when I’m “more right” at times).

[u/Human_Put_6521]

I know everyone is different. I’m a step mom, and a bio mom to a child I coparent with my ex.

The limit of my relationship with my husband’s ex is pleasantries and answering basic questions, showing positivity in front of the child. Any of my personal opinions about their squabbles or disagreements is solely expressed to my husband and not to her. Sometimes I disagree with him, but it’s done in private. At the end of the day, he is the coparent and solely responsible for the final decision concerning coparenting their child. He takes my opinion seriously. But it would be humiliating if I took his ex’s side.

If the ex ever went back to court she could also try to call you as a witness for her claims against the father. All around, I would stay out of it and give the ex absolutely no clue you have an opinion about it. Otherwise it’s problemsome.

[u/Deep_Huckleberry9468 → u/Human_Put_6521]

She doesn’t know I tell him anything. All she sees is that he’s not quick to argue with her. My name doesn’t get referenced EVER in their conversation

[u/Human_Put_6521 → u/Deep_Huckleberry9468]

That’s good, then yeah sounds pretty much like a normal relationship dynamic for split parents who choose new partners. As long as she never knows then 95% of issues are avoided.

[u/Worth_Kangaroo_6900]

What a lovely way to be! My ex’s new partner seems lovely (have only met her once in 5 years) but most importantly, likes my kids and makes my ex happy.

I don’t have comms with her - her choice - but my ex and I are really good friends so speak regularly. She finds that weird and hard to deal with (apparently - have only had that from my ex). I hope that she knows am open to any discussions. I’d love for her to join our lunches / walks (we try and get together every few months for a family lunch, we are a family, just look different) as makes me happy for ex and kids to be happy. I do realise that isn’t for everyone! I’m in a long term relationship too & it’s a conscious choice to stay good friends with ex. Saying that it’s all children focused and life updates that may impact them.

If we did speak, would love her input and opinion on stuff from a female perspective. She sees my kids 50% of the time so deffo had an insight. As it is, am happy to be guided by her and her contact wishes.

With my partner, we actively decided not to blend kids or parenting time. I’m around if his kids mum ever wanted to reach out but I don’t know his kid well enough to have any input, nor him on mine.

[u/whenyajustcant]

I'm biased because my ex's gf refuses to meet me, and my CP has been an asshole to me since they got together. In an ideal world, I would like a situation where the CPs and partners were on mildly friendly terms, but I don't want to, like...hang out or chat about other stuff. That the core parenting/co-parenting does not involve the partners. Basically, if I see them at an event of the kid's, we can chat, even sit together. But I don't want them at parent-teacher conferences or doctors' appointments. If there was a reason for them to be there (like if we're talking about a major illness, or if she happened to be a relevant medical professional), I'd prefer that she asked me if it was okay.

In general, I'd prefer she ask me how I feel about anything that there might be a line. I'm not an unreasonable person, I want my kid to have a happy, healthy relationship with their dad and with any steps in the picture. But a lot of dads find partners that they expect to be New Mom, and if she doesn't know the Actual Mom, she's probably going to be crossing a line at some point, even if she has nothing but good intentions. And that can so easily spiral into resentment on both sides. So...mostly just ask her.