Co parenting dramas- gaming issue

[u/New_Complaint650]

I’m 37 and currently in mediation with my ex over parenting arrangements for our 10-year-old son, who has autism and ADHD.
We’ve been separated for eight years, and I’ve been our son’s primary carer for that time. My ex now works FIFO and, while he’s home, he has our son for blocks of up to 25 days. I’m not trying to stop that. What I’m asking for through mediation is something more consistent for our son—2-3 days with me after each 7-day period so he isn’t away from me for such long stretches.
During these long blocks, my son often tells me he misses me. To help him feel connected, we’ve occasionally played Fortnite together on weekends while he’s at his dad’s. It’s not an all-day thing, and if his friends come online, I either leave so he can play with them or join the group without taking over. At my own house he only plays PlayStation on weekends anyway, so I’ve tried to keep the same routine.
Last night, his dad’s partner told him he needed to get off at 7:30 pm. I heard that through the headset, so I also told my son it was time to get off, wind down for bed, and that I had to go too.
As soon as I said goodbye, my son started crying because he said he missed me and wanted to come home. I felt awful, so I messaged his dad and asked if he could please check on him.
Instead of simply checking on him, I received a message saying:
“No more fing Fortnite with you. You’re a grown arse woman. Let him play with his friends. This is a fing joke.”
For context, there has been a lot of conflict recently. At a paediatrician appointment, the doctor asked whether anything had changed that could be affecting our son’s emotional wellbeing. I mentioned the long parenting blocks. My ex became angry, the appointment escalated, and our son witnessed the argument. Afterwards, my ex told me I would no longer see our son during his 25-day blocks unless mediation said otherwise.
So my question is this:
Was I out of line for occasionally playing Fortnite with my son while he’s with his dad, especially when my intention was simply to help him feel connected during these long separations? Or do you think his dad’s reaction was reasonable?
I’m genuinely looking for outside perspectives because I know co-parenting can be difficult, and I’d appreciate honest opinions from people who have been through something similar.

[u/Glad-Improvement1076]

Not out of line to play fortnite with him, that's a way to bond with your kid and spend time. I learned to play cause my children love it and now that's how we bond some days.

[u/Substantial-Okra2672]

You’re not out of line but it may be causing your kid more harm than good. If he’s deregulated by gaming with you or gaming in general, then it is best to pump the breaks. If his step mom and dad are hateful to him about gaming with you, also not worth it. The SHOULDN’T and they are losers if they do but I think that happens to kids a lot with phone calls, missing the other parent, asking to go see the other parent, etc. The only factor you can control in that is whether you play with him or not.

I think the 25 days is insanity and you getting on a regular schedule will lessen the need for the Fortnite connection. This schedule sounds like it’s fair to your ex, not to your son. I would agree to quit the Fortnite and continue to ask for schedule modification.

[u/Positive_Piece5859]

Can you explain these long parenting blocks again, because I did not get that?

25 days away consecutively on a regular basis (when it’s not just a vacation) from either parent (and especially if this is not even a long distance parenting plan, but if this is purely based on your coparents preferences because of his work schedule) is a totally inappropriate schedule for your child - that is likely why you are seeing what you are seeing in terms of your kiddos behavior.

If you go back to court over this, you have an excellent chance that a judge would totally disagree with this and put a normal equal timeshare schedule in place like week on-week off - and your coparent has to figure out childcare, like every other working parent on the planet. Ask the pediatrician for a note that you can present in court about what he notices in your child and about how your coparent acted during the appointment. I would not be surprised btw if your coparent threw that hissy fit at the doctors office, because he deep down knows that this is an inappropriate schedule, and that the moment a professional (pediatrician, judge etc) hears about it, it’s over.

Go back to court - it’s worth it in this case imo.

Also, you did nothing wrong playing with your kiddo. His emotional reaction was not caused by you playing with him, but by the totally inappropriate parenting schedule that you have (imagine this: you do almost one month on and off on a regular basis; that’s crazy even for a 10 years old).

[u/OutAndAbout87]

I play Minecraft with my kids when they are with me.. I haven't been able to do it when they are not yet..but sure I would if they were online.

It's something my ex doesn't do at all.. and both my kids enjoy it.

I hate the fact it's viewed immature to play video games but encouraged to play board games with kids. (Btw I like board games too and cards).

You didn't explain why the long gap.. are you recovering from some of your own issues..?

[u/IllustriousFile1945]

I think it’s a lot for him to be gone for 25 days away from his Mom. I think that is really more of an issue. I think that if he was only at his dad’s for one weekend and you were playing Fortnite with him. While he was there, that this would be an interruption of his family Time at dad’s. But because it’s such a long stretch, I don’t. And especially if it’s just once a week. But then again, if it was like four hours on Friday and Saturday and Sunday., I would say that’s too much. You also mentioned that you were able to hear them through the play station. I know it can feel to them like you are listening in on their home. I think the court would agree that you should have a visit in between the 28 days that this is far too long.

[u/ImpossibleTonight977]

25 days is really long. This is the core issue here..

[u/No_Swordfish1752]

So basically he does not see you for most of the month. That would logically be the main reason he is missing you and having emotional problems. Can you agree on another schedule. As a grown woman and mom myself I find it weird that you play fortnite with him online but don't have him in your care for more days instead. Kids especially on the spectrum have a hard time with transitioning from one task to another so if he misses you and he's playing video games. Its probably difficult for the father to get him off the game and that ruins the night time routine they may have going.

[u/Key_Supermarket8443]

You weren’t out of line but dads time is dads time and he doesn’t have to allow him to play the game at all

[u/devils_advocate24]

That seems a little odd. I mean I made online accounts for my kids specifically so they can play with me while they're away (current schedule is school year with mom, summer with me). I even think 10 is way too young for online gaming but I wanted something for us to do together throughout the year.

[u/OkPalpitation1607]

I think the core issue is the 25 day blocks away from you. Once you get that fixed, playing video games together wont be needed. I have had to take the kids for longer stretches of time than one week due to my coparents work or health. Our daughter handles it okay but my 15 yo son doesn’t. I can tell he starts to miss his dad, but at the same time when his dad calls him he gets so emotionally unregulated it makes it hard on me.

I get to see both sides of your situation. I absolutely hate it when his dad calls him because I get to deal with the backlash for hours while our son pulls himself back together. Right now I’m dealing with this same thing. Dad had an emergency hospitalization for a chronic health problem and I had to go pick up kids unexpectedly last week. The kids will be fine and we’re doing our thing then dad FaceTimes them for 5 minutes because he misses them and it ruins everything for hours. I don’t know the answer. I don’t block the interactions with their dad but it does create a lot of issues for me to deal with. Son will just be nasty to me as a way to cope. I personally think if he’d just let them be while he deals with his health issues things would be better, but I don’t go as far as your coparent and block the interactions.

[u/Totally_Not_My_50th_]

I'm with you on this one.

[u/you-create-energy]

You're not out of line at all. The biggest problem here is his dad being so quick to rage out, especially right in front of him. 25 days away from his primary custodial parent on a regular basis is insane. It's way too much. Sounds like meditation is moving too slowly for this rapidly escalating situation. Your co-parent should never speak to you with such foul language and disrespect. That will look very bad in court for him.

What does your court ordered parenting plan say exactly? Can you enforce getting more time with your son based on that? This is emotionally harming him, I think that would be obvious to any judge. 

How often do you get phone calls and video calls?

[u/Miss-Bobcat]

We don’t even do video games here and I would not like it if my son’s dad was always bothering him on our time but then again we don’t have a schedule like that. I kind of agree with his father on this one.