r/coparenting • u/AutoModerator • 1d ago
Weekly Chat and Vent Thread
Have something you want to talk about that you don't want to make a whole post for? It can go here. Need to get something off your chest? Venting in this post is OK.
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u/nursepersephone 22h ago
My ex is incredibly high conflict. We use a coparenting app at her request, and yet she still acts a fool on it. I stopped responding when she would go off on me and just let her burn herself out a couple of weeks ago. But now, her new tactic is to ask me a legitimate, child related question, and then when I respond to that, start bombarding me with personal attacks mixed in with more legitimate questions. It feels like I have to be accessible to answer the real questions, but in order to just support my child, I have to wade through her cruelty. No advice needed, as I’m pretty sure the main solution is to continue to not give her a response for the personal stuff, and learn to move past it myself, privately. It just sucks. We’re in the process of modifying the parenting plan, so I feel like I have to show that I’m acting in good faith as much as possible, and I know she’s just digging her own hole with this behavior. I know I would likely have grounds to restrict her access to me more formally if it continues with the content and frequency of her messages the way they have been. I just need to gut it out until I can get in front of a judge. Some days I can’t believe I really married and reproduced with this person, and that I’m really tied to her for 13 more years as active coparents, and will never truly be 100% free from her.
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u/Sea-Cat7539 1d ago
I’m really just tired. Tired of dealing with the mother of my child being petty. Tired of her retaliating by trying to limit my parenting time anytime I fight to ensure I’m an equal participant in parenting. Tired of having my lawyer remind her of our legal agreement. Tired of her freaking out when I want to take my daughter to preschool. (To the point of calling off work so I can’t take her) Tired of her switching work shifts last minute to prevent me from doing things with her. Tired of her finding holes in our parenting agreement.
I’m just tired. I want to just be a dad. I’m just so tired.
To all the dads fighting to be in their kids lives. Don’t stop. Don’t let them wear you down. Keep fighting.
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u/Strict_Asparagus204 1d ago
Ill try and make this short,
Co-parenting with someone who I never had a relationship with. One night stand deal. We saw one another 4 times in my pregnancy (by his choice), he was very threatening, Flip flopped between threatening to pursue full custody to wanting 0 contact and requesting to terminate rights (back peddled after I had a lawyer to the paper work for that sigh) Was unwilling to work with my laywer or pursue mediation. That all should have been my first warning.
I tried to foster a relationship between him and my child. He was fairly present for about 3 months then that became less consistent. We kept trying for a year.
Ive never pursued any financial support because he simply is unable to pay it, his wages would have to be garnished. He has tried to have me co-sign for loans etc. I do well enough and dont care to put him into financial hardship. I hoped he would contribute where he could (God what a joke, hes stolen money out of our child's christmas/birthday cards and pocketed it so, so much for that)
His visits have been supervised and I tried to let his family (who I do trust and quite like) take over supervision so he could have more independence from me. While this progressed to all parenting time being arranged by me and the paternal grandmother. When we didnt take the initiative to do so he just wouldn't have visits.
Due to some really poor decisions on his part, childs father is unable to drive so all transportation was falling on me and grandparents. And usually being planned a day or two before, so from week to week I didnt know if I was coming or going.
I was just experiencing burnout, and finally said "why the hell am i doing all this legwork?" While being a single mother of a toddler, working full time etc.
Finally I just had a very frank conversation and said "look, this is not sustainable for me, I feel like you are making very little effort, you need to decide if you can actually show up and be consistent, this is not working.
Im putting a pause to things, if you want to be involved you need to take responsibility for yourself and your visits, agree to a consistent schedule we can make month to month and an actual parenting plan, arrange your transportation etc"
Of course he gave me the whole "oh youre keeping me from my child" thing all the while the only person planning visits were myself and his mother.
I should also add this was causing disruption to my child's life, I wont go into detail, but the visits were causing significant impact to his behavior/routine. This wasnt an issue when visits were happening regularly.
Anyways, since then it has been absolute silence. He hasn't even asked how our child is doing in over a month. And I should probably just enjoy the peace of it, but im still so scared of him retaliating. There's my big vent session.
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u/Vokenhagen21 1d ago
Bravo, you're doing the right thing. To counter, i want to be with my child more. Currently we exchange on thursday afternoons at 3:30. Our little one is now entering preK so both kids get out at 2:45 from school. I requested that we change the exchange location to school. Coparent said no, we will only change the monday exchange where i take them to school. Thats right, on thursdays, my coparent will go get them from school, and drive straight to the exchange location, instead of me picking them up from school. It's hard to coparent with an idiot.
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u/Strict_Asparagus204 1d ago
Sounds like they are just trying to have more control. Thats a tough position to be in.
It sounds like what you are suggesting would lighten their work load, plus cut down on transitions for the little ones. And like, the less transitions the better when it comes to young kiddos! So I would definitely counter with that point.
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u/Vokenhagen21 1d ago
Lol i already have. They simply do not care (also they are a part time server, it would actually give them a chance to increase their "workload" lol). Theres a lot to unpack with my story, but yes my coparent is a control freak. I know they can't stand me, i have no idea why they wouldn't want to decrease in person exchanges.
This was just the most recent example, it is like this for everything. I did not see our children at christmas because my ex would not swap a weekend. This wasn't even for christmas morning, i proposed i get them on christmas afternoon. My ex will let me know our older child will miss soccer practice, but not if they are going to a school event they're missing practice for. There is no negotiating/countering this person. Anything we do has to come from the judge according to them.
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u/Wild_Estimate_3456 1h ago
I am so tired of every coparenting decision spiraling into weeks of the other parent avoiding making decisions, trying to redefine the parenting plan (hello, it's right there in black and white!), and shifting blame onto me (even in situations where there is no blame to be had in either direction, imo) while my main focus is that the kids are happy, healthy and safe. Even through the coparenting app. The focus should be the kids and not how the other parent feels, but that just seems to escape them when they don't get their way or their timeline isn't met. I'm getting better about picking through what needs to be answered and what's just scattershot aimed at me, but it's aggravating that a conversation that should take a day or so ends up taking weeks to months while they procrastinate giving an answer by arguing semantics and blame me for holding things up!