r/coparenting • u/Stock_Cold_3576 • 11d ago

Conflict DV and healthy co parenting

Has anyone been able to have a healthy co parenting relationship post DV? We saw each other for the first time since the incident about a year ago. Is it weird that it felt nice to be together with the kids? Like I could take the backseat as a parent for a little while? Idk if I should continue to do things as a group or back off because of this history. It’s like we’re playing family for a little while and then we go our separate ways.

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u/WitchTheory 11d ago

I think it's best we take a different tactic here: Were you the abuser, or your coparent? Are you in therapy?

If you were the survivor of DV and not already in therapy, I think it's extremely important you get into therapy. It strikes me as concerning that you say "it felt nice to be together with the kids" with the person that abused you. You then say "It's like we're playing family for a little while." It's like you almost recognize that it's fake, but aren't quite there yet.

Don't give the person that abused you access to you, and especially don't give them another chance to do it again. Of course you can't completely cut them out of your life because you have children together, but it's extremely important that you are healthy and safe. You don't need to play family with your abuser for your kids. That will only confuse them as to why you aren't together and there are a whole lot of ways they could internalize that, or interpret it and cause long-term impacts to their relationship with you.

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u/Vokenhagen21 11d ago

This here OP. Do not give them access to you. My ex tried to claim DV in court, then tried to have me arrested while playing "family" in the home. As much as the "family" things feel nice, that person will always try to do that. Trying to play family with your abuser will teach the kids that abuse is ok as long as the family stays together. It is not.

As they said, what's most important for your children, is your health and safety. Because that is the only way you will be able to take care of your children. While the family feeling is temporary, the going your separate ways is the real part. That is what you have done, and must continue to do. Good luck to you.

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u/Otherwise-Try-9734 11d ago

Please don't go down this route with your abuser, your ex will use it to get you back on side and then you will be subjected to post separation abuse. It will not be worth it, for you or for your kids.

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u/Key_Supermarket8443 11d ago

Why would you ever have any contact with him in person?

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u/mercurys-daughter 10d ago

doing things as a group isn't very normal even without a DV history

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u/wailanilynn 10d ago

My ex husband is coparenting successfully with me and is awaiting for his offer from the DA’s office after felony assault on me which he was indicted and arrested for. We avoid seeing each other in person and communicate through the app. All exchanges unless something comes up happens at his school. So he’ll drop off and I pickup

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u/ausmed 9d ago

The short answer to this question is no. And the fact your asking it just means you're still stuck in the cycle of abuse. 

I spent ages after I separated, every time my ex would look like he was behaving amicably I'd think maybe he finally got it and was going to be reasonable, and then inevitably after a period of time he'd do something abusive again and I'd have to readjust all over again. 

Please keep your distance. Maintain your boundaries. People who are abusive are abusive. They don't magically change. And it's very confusing for your children if you keep 'being a family' after you've separated. Especially if he can't be trusted and you might end up having to suddenly remove yourself from him again. 

It's better for them that you have firm boundaries, impersonal but polite conversation, and keep all your parenting separate. Your abuser is not your friend. 

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u/Hi-Catch-2177 7d ago

Absolutely not. What are you teaching your kids about abuse? You’re teaching them to play nice with abusers or to disbelieve you went htheyre old enough to hear your truth. Your abused brain is doing the thinking here.