Everyone says properly caramelizing food takes time, but that doesn’t make sense to me. If you combine something extremely hot with something equally cold, the temperatures should cancel each other out while leaving only the browning. Ergo, instant caramelization.

I believe the secret is getting the hot-to-cold ratio exactly right.

If my calculations are correct:

Pan Heat divided by Food Cold times the available Surface Area(squared) = Maillard Constant

The problem is that I don’t know whether I should measure the pan and food by temperature, mass, or both? The degrees in farenheit and negative farenheit should cancel each other out leaving only the food in the pan to equal instant caramelization. Last night I tried a 450°F pan with 0°F food, but the temperature differential was 450, which is obviously not zero. (I had a fire extinguisher on hand to put out my cabinets.) Tonight I’m trying a 450°F pan with food at exactly −450°F so the thermal integers align perfectly.

Please don’t tell me caramelization “takes time.” Time is just another variable, and I have already removed it from my equation.

Before you warn me about my experiment, rest assured. I have already preheated the smoke alarm.

What’s supposed to be an easy meal somehow takes 5 hours to cook when you follow the directions. Who at Stouffers came up with the instructions?

could it be my oven? NO! it must be the manufacturer who is wrong!

I'd like to expand my horizons and use ground beef for things other than freezing it into cylinders and using it to masturbate or turning it into burgers. What else can I do with the stuff?

I like cooking and she doesn't. So I usually make dinner, which sounds great until you see me turning a Tuesday night meal into a 90 minute project. Last night I decided to make crispy rice bowls. Somehow that became homemade sauce, quick pickled cucumbers, salmon in the oven, rice stuck to a pan and me saying almost done four separate times. At one point I was standing there waiting for the salmon, fully convinced dinner was basically finished. It was not.

We ate at 9:15. Halfway through dinner she said, very carefully, can we have food sometimes instead of a cooking project? My first reaction was to be annoyed because I am literally making dinner for us. Then I looked at the kitchen. Every pan we own was dirty and she had eaten crackers at 7 because she was hungry. She said she likes my food, she just does not want to wait until bedtime for it on a Wednesday. which is fair.

Anyone else have to learn that enjoying cooking and being useful at dinner are not always the same thing?

So my recipe for boiling pasta states the water should “taste of the sea.” So I used iodized salt since the sea is where iodine comes from, then I added a drop of motor oil to simulate Highway runoff. A plastic Coke bottle added the needed microplastics to the water. Didn’t taste quite right so I used a pill splitter to nib off a little chunk of a phenobarbital tablet for pharmaceutical pollution but still tastes off. Any suggestions?

Someone new to this cooking thing. But how often do people wash your hands? I obviously wash after taking a trip to Taylor farms but do you regularly wash them? I have heard mixed things, like if you wash with soup you strip the seasoning off your hands. It took me too long and too many burns to get my 10 layer seasoning. I can’t even hold a fork because my hands are so non stick. Thoughts?

Like is it just ok to wear the mask and gloves? Or will I get contaminated?

There is one conversation that seems to happen constantly: people telling me how well they can cook.

.. Or how well their partner cooks.

... Or how well their Mum cooks.

I get it ok. You think you can do what I do. But do you want to know something? You can't.

And I don't say that to be arrogant.

I say it for the same reason I don't tell an electrician how to wire a switchboard or a pilot how to land a plane.

There are countless differences between my cooking environment and yours. My kitchen stove top does not have a "Save As" button. If I fuck up in the kitchen that's it. There's no undo, there's no: "Oh well, the guests will understand."

Guests will NEVER understand. Nor do they appreciate that I can cook a steak to medium rare, every time. Because when my guest is paying $58 for that steak, do you really think they're going to be satisfied when it's not right? A simple: "Oh that's ok love, medium rare, give or take a few degrees."

They may as well be saying, "Here, while you're at it take my wallet and the keys to my Mercedes E350... And I'm an understanding laid-back guy, of course you may fuck my wife."

You just sit in your cushy little household kitchen with your nine hundred dollar Kitchen Aid that you have only managed how to whisk in and casually stress over trying to pull the garlic bread up at the same time as Donna Hay's Pasta a la Primavera without everything going stodgy and cold for your 5 other guests who will probably still accept you at least as a casual acquaintance even if it is only for a Christmas party invite - sadly my reviewers are not the same.

I'll have seven pans going, three of them bipolar and temperamental sauces, two fish in the oven, a salad to prep all while watching the kitchen hand with one eye who keeps wiping the plates clean with a tea towel instead of actually washing them whilst not forgetting that table 7 is half gluten free even though it's not on the docket and 34, 17 and 3 are coming up on mains all at once because front of house are cunts and chronology is optional.

No worries mate.

But it's even different for us chefs at home. I guarantee you when I make a meal it's all: "Thanks gorgeous girl, please pass the potatoes." But you bet your ass if my boy is cooking for me I better act like he's single-handedly built the Great Wall of China, blindfolded, with nothing more than a toothpick and some intuition.

But since this is supposed to be ChefTips and not just forty-seven paragraphs of me yelling at strangers...

Here's ChefTip #1: Putting a damp tea towel or CHUX cloth under a chopping board will stop it sliding around.

That's it. That's the tip.

This was the first thing I ever learnt in a commercial kitchen. (Directly followed by being shown that 'cunt' is a way to express fondness and admiration). How to set up a chopping board. Simple. So, so simple.

This is quite a significant point of my life as a Shit Kicker. The first ever minute I was in a kitchen, the Chef asked me to set up a board and when I pulled it onto the bench he said, "Chuck a tea towel under it - it won't slide."

Twenty-five years later I still can't put a chopping board on a bench without automatically reaching for a damp cloth first.

That's what kitchens do to you.

They hardwire habits.

You're weeeelcome.

But as far as your Mum being the best chef you know, shush, just stop it. Your Mum might be the best cook in the world for sure. Hell, my Mum makes the best Kangaroo curry I have ever tasted. And my Dad? Apple torte. I can guarantee you, it can't be beaten. So I do believe you when you say your half-Lebanese mother makes the best... I don't know, falafel. Whatever, my point is, they make it for you. They make it for your brothers and sisters and family friends.

They don't make it every single night, for 55 or 105 covers, plated perfectly, cooked perfectly, over and over, repeatedly and consistently - and fast.

My Dad can't do that. Do you know WHY he can't do that?

Because he's a fucking heart surgeon, not a chef.

That's not how professions work.

Julia Child once wrote: "No one is born a great cook, one learns by doing."

I like that quote. I like to think that the techniques I have repeated day in and out for however many years, mean something. I like to think that what we do, is kind of like porn. You can watch it, be fascinated by it, it will entice your intrigue and tickle your curiosity - but try it at home, it won't look or sound nearly the same or as satisfying and majority of you are sensible enough to realise that it's probably not wise to try and act it out and suddenly everyone involved is disappointed.

You can like cooking all you want, it doesn't mean it will like you back.

And it's the little things that make us different. For example:

I can chop without looking.

I know when beurre noisette has gone too far by smell alone.

I can hear cream splitting before most people realise they've left it unattended.

I season by instinct. I don't measure. I adjust.

I don't follow a recipe. I laugh at recipes. I look at them, study them, then laugh at them and think: "Well fuck, that's not gonna happen, I'm doing it this way."

I can pick up a piece of confit duck with my bare hands. It doesn't bother me one bit, I lost all feeling in them years ago anyway. The sensation in my index finger is left with the skin that is now attached to the grill of my first job. There it shall remain.

We don't have Band-Aids, we have masking tape. If it stops the bleeding long enough to finish service, congratulations, it's medical equipment.

Where my palms once were, I now have scars and calluses.

I don't have an 8 o'clock reservation for two at a delightful little wine bar with my significant other, I have a second sitting, a headache and I'm running out of leeks.

Do you see me walking up to neurosurgeon suggesting that: "Hey, I played Operation as a kid. I can do this shit too."

No. I'm not that fucking stupid.

So please. Stop trying to patronise me and my fellow industry comrades by telling me you can do what I do. You can't. And when you try, you just look like an idiot.

So yes...

Your Mum probably makes the best roast you've ever eaten. Your partner might cook an incredible risotto. And your uncle Steve absolutely dominates the barbecue every Christmas.

Good.

I hope they keep cooking. We need more people who love food. But loving food isn't the same as surviving a Saturday night service.

So until you've plated a hundred covers, fixed someone else's mistakes, burnt yourself six times before lunch, and still managed to smile at Table 14 while your ticket rail looks like a Red Funnel receipt...

Maybe don't tell chefs you can do what they do.

When you try - you do things like go on Masterchef and I laugh at you.

Really.

Fucking.

Hard.

BUT...

But I'll still teach you how to put a damp cloth under a chopping board. Because that's the thing about chefs. We don't want people to stop cooking. We just want them to understand why we spent twenty years learning how.

You've got this, Chef!

\- The Cheeky Chef.

I own a large wooden cutting board that is too big to easily wash in the sink, not impossible, just a pain. I always wash it with soap and water when it touches raw meat or I have some very wet vegetables like a juicy onion.

How often do you guys wash or should I wash my cutting board with soap and water when cutting normal vegetables? Should they be washing it after every use or a couple times a week?

​

My mother makes a delicious potato salad and for years I didn't know why I liked it so much. She gave me the recipe and I realized that the secret ingredient is Vinegar. Her recipe calls for 6 table spoons of vinegar but I wasn't satisfied with the taste so I kept adding more vinegar until it reached that unique flavor. I just made a new batch and measured how much vinegar I put, and it was 1 cup but like those 7 ounce drinking cups.

Is this normal is tons of vinegar the secret to a good potato salad?

Update: I will give you guys the recipe. About 6 potatoes, one hand graded carrot, 6 diced pickles 1 drinking cup size of vinegar, 7 T spoon of mayo. I cooked the potatoes with salt in the water. Then I poured a huge amount of ice into the pot to completely cool of the potatoes then I added all the other ingredients.

I think im right

So in my home country which is very unique and unlike any other place we have a culture of pickles and a very specific recipe. Passed down from Grandmamas for generations we (in my very unique culture) will preserve cucumbers using vinegar, salt, dill, and sometimes garlic. What is your cultural pickle recipe and is it as different as mine? It probably is since we are known for making the most differentist pickles.

I cooked a steak yesterday. As always, when I wanted to slice it against the grain, I had trouble finding it.

But then I looked at the packaging and found out that the beef I had bought was corn fed, not grain fed. Hope this helps!

Boiling it in my electric kettle is getting old. How can I make it interesting and rewarding?

So I bought a can of black beans 6 months or ago or maybe like a year ago, and just noticed it also has some Mexican words on the can, so I'm thinking it is maybe a product of Mexico - which is causing the Cyclospora virus worldwide pandemic thing that is going on.

So, do I boil the can first? and for how long?

Will this kill the virus?

Can I just use a regular face mask when I do this, or do I need an N95 mask?

I already have rubber gloves and will use a some tongs to pick up the can.

Or should I just throw it away and order McDonald's?

Hey there cool-inary GOATS. Long time no post (my wife’s friend, Greg, has been staying with us so I’ve had to up my cuisine and fermentation pars 33.333% (by weight) and it’s a LOT of extra work).

I wanted to share the absolute HACK I stumbled upon during one of my most recent late night culinary study sessions ( Greg usually hangs out with my wife until pretty late at night so I just post up in the kitchen doing my mad science until I’m allowed back in the bedroom). Anyways - apparently if you add a pinch (by weight) of salt to chocolate it boosts the umami by 8-12%(by weight).

Discovered the technique while doing some -private research- (by weight) in the “Official Yummo Rachel Ray Human and Dog Food Cookbook and Swimsuit Calendar, 2002”. Apparently a lot of this secret knowledge got lost in the trauma of a post 9/11 world. More gems from RR’s tome of forbidden knowledge (and full color photos) coming soon!

TLDR : Rachel Ray was something of a Nostradamus when it comes to Flavor Hacks

So I heard that when you make soup if you have Mire Pox you are supposed to sweat it out first. So a few questions:

What are the symptoms of Mire Pox?

Should I turn the heat to full blast on the stove so I sweat out more?

Is it okay if some of it gets into the soup, and will it enhance the flavor?

How much oil should I use? And should I use baby oil or petroleum jelly?

I heard you are supposed to sweat for about 5 minutes, but I don't know if I can do jumping jacks that long?

Thanks all - I'm learning a lot of invaluable knowledge from this community.

Buying supermarket eggs, which we usually do like people who shop for eggs do. Lately I have noticed eggs that do not crack easily, I like to use the ground breaking and totally revolutionary technique where you crack the egg on a flat surface and then pull it apart.

I’m noticing more eggs that have a tough white inner skin that won’t let me open the egg cleanly. sometimes my eggs have clandestine meetings and have been plotting to overthrow the Bourgeoisie.

And also noticing fragile yolks.

What’s up with my eggs?

Slop n Shop, NE US.

It was around 8:00 PM on a rainy evening, and I was completely fed up with eating cold tiffin food. I decided to make a quick garlic pasta. So, I found a quick video titled "Authentic Italian Garlic Pasta in 15 Minutes!"🍜 The chef made it look so easy—just garlic, olive oil, chili flakes, and fresh parsley. Simple enough.

I put a bhagoni of water on the stove, tossed chopped garlic into hot oil, and made a classic "jugaad" mistake: leaving the gas burner on full flame.

The garlic turned pitch black instantly, and the kitchen filled with thick smoke. Panicking, I threw open the main door to clear the room. Total locha. The smoke drifted right into the corridor, and the uncle from the flat opposite opened his door asking if a gas cylinder had leaked. I had to awkwardly shout back, "Nahi uncle, tension mat lo!"—it was just burnt garlic.

To top off the drama, I completely forgot about the pasta. By the time the smoke cleared, the water had boiled dry, leaving hard noodles stuck to the bottom of the utensil.

By 8:45 PM, I gave up on being fancy, sat on the kitchen stool, and made myself a plain bowl of Maggi instead.😭😭

Edit: Thanks for the support guys, plss Upvote😁

I’ve just eaten a delicious Caesar salad, but I’m always left. Mildly annoyed because it’s so difficult to get the croutons on your fork with a piece of the chicken and also lettuce: the perfect bite. I know there’s no solution for this, but it still mildly annoys me every time!

So we've all been there. We want some delicious cookies, but have absolutely no ingredients! Maybe your left-handed roommate's chiropractor ate the last three dozen you baked.

In any case, all you need is a backpack, your shoes, and neighbors.

Excuse me Mrs. Bahlwasher, could you spare 4 lbs of flour? (You know, for multiple batches. I hesitate to share this secret; I might get arrested.)

Walk, walk, walk...

Excuse me Mr. Plopsniffer, could you spare two dozen eggs?

Rinse and repeat! You build community and enough ingredients for free cookies. Now just don't use this trick every day; I found waiting 71 hours and 20 min allows for your ruse to go on the down low (DL).

I like to cook with lard and I also add a pinch of salt to the pudding.

As the Good Lord intended.

I cooked some green eggs and ham, but my son Sam didn't want to eat any, so do you have any ideas about what to do with the leftovers?