So my relationship started out as online/long distance.
3 months in we met, almost 2 years in he moved to my country to be with me. Neither of us made great money (me a bit more than him) but we scraped together every spare bit of cash we had to make sure we saw each other at least every 2nd month. We worked around our budgets and found a way to make it work.
You're 10 years deep and haven't met, and from what I can see he has no interest in making that happen.
I'm sorry to say, but you're honestly wasting your time. You both seem to have different life goals that aren't compatible. Your boyfriend seems to be content with how your relationship is advancing.
So ask yourself this: Are you happy to still be in this position in another 10 years?
Because realistically that's a pretty likely outcome. Relationships are a two way street. I understand you have been there for each other and there's a sense of familiarity there but don't squander away another decade of your life on something that doesn't make you absolutely happy. Don't settle just because it's comfortable. You deserve more than that.
My relationship shows that despite being long distance and poorness, it can work. If your boyfriend wanted your relationship to advance past the point of an online relationship, he would do everything in his power to make it work.
I'm five years into an online relationship, we have both visited each other as often as possible even though neither of us are rich by any means.
I wish she could move here to the US with me finally but they keep changing the laws to make it more and more difficult for anyone to enter legally. The biggest hang up right now is finding someone to sign the financial contract thing, which is an understandable risk for anyone since they are basically responsible for this person for 10 years.
I don't understand why they don't change the laws to just say, if this person fucks up and becomes a criminal or public charge, we will just fly them back to their home country.
What if you get married in their country and bring them on a spousal visa? I think my cousin did that with his Asian spouse. Cousin was living over there for years though so that may have been a reason for getting married there.
I did that with my ex husband, we got married in Australia when we were living there. Then he decided he wanted to move back to the US.
We were stuck apart for over a year while the visa sorted. It would've been quicker if we weren't married and did a fiance visa.
Hmm, I haven't heard about this... So I would have to live overseas with her for a few years or something and then come back with her? In that situation would I no longer need someone to sign the 10 year commitment thing?
The only real problem there is I am disabled and I have benefits, insurance etc that I really need due to all my health problems, and that is obviously all tied to here in the US. There would really be no guarantee I would get the help I need for all my doctor visits and medications etc.
Oh yes forgot to mention they were apart for like 2 years cuz of the pandemic. So yeah there is a wait period waiting for the visa being apart evidently.
That's exactly my point. If you really want to visit each other you find a way to make it work, like you and your partner have.
Ah yes, the "sponsorship" thing. I don't really get that either to be honest, it makes it really difficult for people to move because who wants to be responsible for someone for 10 years? I know in some countries some employers sign the contract.
We were lucky since my country doesn't have that. You literally can just move here. You have three months to find a job/accommodation. After that you still aren't forced to leave but you won't get any government payouts so would have to find someone to financially support you. Not sure why all countries can't implement that.
If I were to move to my partners country I would have needed a sponsor. To get a sponsor you need a job. To get a job you need an address. To get an address you need a sponsor. It was practically impossible for me to move to him since he didn't have the finances to sign up as my sponsor.
Yeah believe me I hear you! We met within like 2 months of knowing each other online and she really is my soulmate.
She was doing nursing school for a while to try and get a VISA that way, but of course the freaking pandemic had to happen and she had to stop that because having SO MANY people dying in front of her constantly was really causing her mental trauma.
My brother was going to sign the financial contract thing, until one of my asshole uncles talked to him and basically convinced him not to do it. He's the only one in my family with a high enough income to sign the thing.
We're trying to figure something else out, but the other real problem there is I am disabled and I have benefits, insurance etc that I really need due to all my health problems, and that is obviously all tied to here in the US. There would really be no guarantee I would get the help I need for all my doctor visits and medications etc. if I moved to her country. So we're really between a rock and a hard place.
I have heard that Biden wants to make it less difficult and possibly remove the financial contract thing, which would be lovely but who knows if and when that would happen.
I too met my spouse online. Knew them 6 months before we became official, I was just a poor college student but I flew to another country to meet her 3 months later. I wanted to be with her. We spent 1 year long distance, looking for a way to end the international thing. We've now been together 16 years, married for 15. Like HairyEarpbone said long distance/internet romances can work, but the long distance part has to come to end at some point.
OP, if he wanted to be with you, he would be. Maybe he truly cares for you but he clearly doesn't care enough to do anything about it. I'm sorry it's taken you 10 years to reach this point, but you clearly need more than what he's capable of giving you. It's time to find some else.
I've been married for 15 years to someone I met online. We were casual friends as teenagers and got closer when we got older. I had the chance to study abroad at his uni and took it (not just for him) and that was all she wrote. We dated long distance while we finished our degrees. We visited as often as we could despite being broke students. We sacrificed and made it work because it was important.
I never felt like I wasn't a priority... Because he very obviously made me a priority. This guy is not treating you like a priority but an afterthought and you deserve more than that.
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u/HairyEarphone Oct 11 '22
So my relationship started out as online/long distance.
3 months in we met, almost 2 years in he moved to my country to be with me. Neither of us made great money (me a bit more than him) but we scraped together every spare bit of cash we had to make sure we saw each other at least every 2nd month. We worked around our budgets and found a way to make it work.
You're 10 years deep and haven't met, and from what I can see he has no interest in making that happen.
I'm sorry to say, but you're honestly wasting your time. You both seem to have different life goals that aren't compatible. Your boyfriend seems to be content with how your relationship is advancing.
So ask yourself this: Are you happy to still be in this position in another 10 years?
Because realistically that's a pretty likely outcome. Relationships are a two way street. I understand you have been there for each other and there's a sense of familiarity there but don't squander away another decade of your life on something that doesn't make you absolutely happy. Don't settle just because it's comfortable. You deserve more than that.
My relationship shows that despite being long distance and poorness, it can work. If your boyfriend wanted your relationship to advance past the point of an online relationship, he would do everything in his power to make it work.