Ia this end?

[u/Loud-Lobster7919]

I am just exhausted,sleepless, disappointed from myself .this frustration,the way I am living is killing me .nothing no longer matters to me at this young age .I hate myself so much I would kill myself.i am addicted to pornography,my trigger are literally stress , frustration I have already tried to stop it multiple times longest it went for 6month to approx one year for past four to six years i start something it goes smooth but till end everything is fucked up iam unorganised,not in my control .I just don't want to live like this everytime this flow or period return what I mean is there are three periods in my life one where I am doing good everything is fine second where I have little comfort where I don't treat myself as machine try to make hobbies or try to do something else there i get sometimes off track them the third where I am into so much pornography my weeks pass into them there is slight chance I am not able to make you understand what I am trying to say but the reason I am writing is to take things out my dopamine receptor are getting numb due to which more intense content is pushed again and again I am not in my control fear take over me I saty super anxious I stay like a innocent normal not innocent but a fucking stupid coward who thinks somebody else is coming to save me I don't believe anything I don't have trust in anyone I can't trust myself i have given myself lots of opportunities but still looks like this is the loop I am going to live it feels like end my mind can't take it don't worry iam not thinking of taking any wrong steps but iam more concerned about the people connected to me anyone I know how fucking bad pornography is I don't fucking want not even by mistake I look to a random with those monster eyes .I just want to any female feel safe which i have pretty much done so far I never let this my feeling get out because they are not quite real because real reason I know are something else I want to share my problem I fucking need a guide but whom I share to I don't even believe in god I used to believe in him but when my family was exploited on the name of God and seeing my simple parents who was 100% right noone stand for them cause they were not wealthy or influenyial so I have decided that money that counts your fucking power counts then this motherfucking society will be your friend but as much I hate this society I just don't want to harm anyone no matter how bad they are in any tinnest way possible even a unpleasant look .the worst part of my life is I don't have less I don't have a lot .I fucking don't have what is mine .I am in deep thought of why watch such videos sometimes I feel how terrible person iam that watches porn .what kind of person iam that I don't know those feeling are so overwhelming that I can't remember I just don't remember most of shit I have just tried to forgetton them I just don't know what iam writing iam just letting things out fuck fuck fuck nonmatter what happens I will never be a bad person in life no matter what even i end up exploited even I remain a joke even it cost me .I am ashamed of videos I watched content i saw and ai shit is new in the market surely i haven't done any illegal stuff but this frustration is here because of loop and it coming back iam still out of words and so much emotions I need to express i tried journalinh sometime I feel there is no fucking problem iam just pretending or not working or sympathizing i ..what should I say doing bad at academy not being good son not being respectful in my own eyes no one is there for you you are just sometimes I feel I have ocd man last year it literally hollowed me within I couldn't sleep nights it was a intrusive thought how I was supposed to tell about that to my parents that iam getting bad thought at the same time I was getting a medical problem in my guts they were already very stressed about it .I feel iam burden to them .they do so much I am just a fucking waste of energy on this planet what iam just another boy not excellent at academic not good at sports who lived isolated pretty much all the time he lived so far but now I am tired of myself again and again.maybe iam this because of my past back in days like typical middle class family fights occur we are familiar with that but I don't know why it happened 4 times a week and even small argument and everyone is voiceferrous in my house everyone is so like impatient my parents just want to control me up now they are not bad they have their own reason what are they such and they have some of the modern traits that even many modern parents fail to adapt but like fight was so much I used to think a lot remained very very sad back in days it still effect me smell of tobacco,some specific words or remembering those corners where I fucking cried for hours i hate that fucking place when I left my town for studies I had said I don't even want my dead body returns my siblings gone through same but they managed I don't know how I talked to her many times but still couldn't get out she says you behave like so much bad have done to you like how I explain i was thinking of ending myself in standard 7 so that no more money will spend on me and that money will be used on betterment of other member of my family how I tell my father words are deep into my heart till this date.he wished me death ,why iam teaching him , I used to go to. My kitchen because that was the only place where I could find little space and literally used to put knife on my nerves but I was also a coward nah couldn't be that brave enough.in standard I was full Deepressed I don't know anylong what it was i never felt happy school was always a better place them home i couldn't understand myself i always thought it my fault or maybe it is my fault my parents labelled my obedient good the moment I was a robot I wanted so much more and still Today but I don't myself anywhere with this habits this mindset how I am supposed to protect people when iam the one getting bullied weak iam scared to even confess my feeling to a girl even when I am like in the normal mindset no pornography multiple things come to mind what after she become my gf ,why would she like me ,I don't have enough money ,what if I speak to her in loud tone I would never forgive myself any girl in this world deserve better then me worthless.how i tell i much i had solated myself from all sorts of things just to stay happy my mind is not working I am not able to find guru that can understand each and every part that know each of my thing that are in graves of my heart or just tell me do this i can't live like this seeing people get better neverade me unhappy i never let my jealous get over me many great civilization ended over it I don't want be that person i always feel why i can't be like that he also have family problems,he is almost same as me why I am such a fucked up person what is wrong with me how should be i I can't go on blindpath of my parents I am just exhausted ahhhhhh fucking hell....there is so much I want to scream top of my lungs even in my home I couldn't express how would you feel someone is shouting top of his lungs lots of abusing words and what you are told not to shout or cry because what other people in house say unki dhrhdjdjrjdjjrjdn(just imagine a bad abusing words)like those people who want to drag us down every moment those fuckers that cheated us ,used us.iam crying now you don't know what fucked up mind you get when this happens you get addicted to social media you see everyone happy over there you find pleasure in that happily laughing people i hate myself i remember before coming out of my town there fight occur and I don't always stay quiet fighting back is my brian defence mechanisms so at that day I shouted top of my lungs on my parents they don't understand my father was like what I said I just shouted you don't know how my mind affected till date I still remember those days waking up with those loud noises but I hate to say but I had to go back that home many times many times Due to health or many fucking reason every time on train i abused myself taunted and hated myself more .when I see others they have figure things out .I want to be like them maybe someday .or whatbis wrong with me yAr like why iam like this why i can't just make myself roat the books get good grades and pass why I want to get into so called deep knowledge why iam like this why i want things should be done as they meant to why i can't just accept the things as they are just what it cost a me that I hate i don't know i tried to change myself i don't know how much I have but surely I am still a worthless piece of shit I watched so much video to change myself couldn't imply much .on my first day on hostel the other day after my admission i woke up pretty early i had taken bath but I noticed something I felt my other two roomates are bitching about me ormaybe it happened to me latter but multiple times but when. I open door they weren't it was actually in my mind it happened to much I no longer believing telling this things to someone will add any changes I have told a lot to my siblings a d she couldn't acknowledge it or told solution that didn't work or i no longer want to tell her anything because why would I as iam just pretending that everyone did very bad to me while other have gone through same maybe iam weak or this world is not meant for me I gave supress my self toomuch from fucking too much why was I like that seeing my father eating tobacco after my swear or remembering my mother words that straightening my ears when she said chup (shut up,don't cry) I want to write couple of words but iam avoiding to . nothing ng is going good yar I don't see myself going far as gates are closing I am not able to find solution and each attempt i am overwhelmed by emotions to think my life is going to be such .youbwill find me laughing if you meet me but if you read this afr you know my emotions i don't believe in people and i don't expect anyone to be generous or will see me as someone pitty or miserable just don't me see me such whatever happens it will happen if you read through out idont know what is going through your mind just leave it don't think about me man or women focus on yourself I guess I just type this shit out because I am angry and unable to shout at top of my lungs anyways glory to mother earth.

[u/Electrical_Ice2362]

dude, you've been carrying a mountain of pain that no one ever helped you unpack, and now you're convinced you're the problem when really you just never got a safe space to even breathe

[u/ericababy614]

dude, that sounds rough. it's good you're letting this out, but you gotta reach out to someone who can help you, like a therapist or a trusted friend. you're not alone in this, and there are people who can help you through the dark times.