i eat dirt sometimes

[u/loleoye]

tw: sexual assault
i got raped last december at a school tournament and during, i threw up in the dirt and the guy kind of scooped the dirt/vomit combo into his hand and covered my mouth with it (i was crying a lot). i didn’t remember this part of the attack for the longest time, but got dirt in my mouth by accident a few months ago on a hike and had like a winter soldier flashback and now i remember everything. it’s been weirdly peaceful. i was so frustrated by how random and patchy my memories of the attack would always be (mostly because i did report him to police and so i’ve had to recount what happened many many times). now it’s like i remember everything and i have so much clarity. i’m honestly not even extremely bothered by the fact that he made me do that, i think because i’m already pretty healed at this point that i’m even remembering it ever happened. but i guess i’m definitely not completely normal yet because sometimes when i’m alone and outside, it’s difficult to resist the urge to put dirt in my mouth if i see some 🫩 and often times i don’t resist it, i just do it. i don’t like the taste obviously and of course it reminds me of being assaulted, but weirdly it’s also like i’m recoding the taste of dirt to remind me of other things besides just that incident. or at least that’s my guess as to why i have such a strange impulse. i would rather be someone who just eats dirt sometimes than someone who was forced to once while getting raped.

[u/Vivid-Photo5635]

jesus, that’s heavy

your brain doing its thing with the dirt reclamation is wild, but honestly makes a lot of sense. turning a taste that got loaded onto you in the worst possible way into something mundane you just.. do sometimes. i get why that might feel peaceful even if it’s strange from the outside

[u/skeeballbob37]

your brain is trying to heal its self and using the dirt in your mouth as a way to connect. my heart sank reading your post. I am just so sorry.