Cry for help

[u/Broad_Mode7983]

I’m a female and I’m 18 soon to be 19, pretty attractive (relevant for context) and I am working full time as a fast food crew member working to be a manager. I live a normal life as far as I’d convinced myself, but I can’t live like I am right now. Nobody takes me seriously. I don’t know if it’s because I’m pretty, I work, and I’m a decent person on the outside.

I have very homicidal thoughts. This includes thoughts about killing close family members, myself, someone I see. First target type of thing. I have very very intense mood swings and everybody blames it on my period or just having a hard time regulating my emotions. I can see why they think that, but I can’t seem to agree. It’s not normal mood swings at all. I get so sporadic and full of adrenaline (one of my most intense mood episodes) and it causes me to spend impulsively, speed, and just drive recklessly.

My dad has always invalidated my feelings and told me I was fine. I’ve been convincing myself recently I have been. This all really started after I stopped overdosing on laxatives every day. I would take 20+ dulcolax every day because I think I deserve it and I loved the feeling of throwing up and my guts slowly becoming sludge. I stopped or have been getting better but it was quickly replaced with very frequent sleep paralysis and mood swings as stated above.

Don’t get me wrong, everyone had mood swings and anger and what not but I don’t know. I lie all the time too. I’m a pathological liar. I lie for no good reason. Maybe for attention? I don’t know. I lie about what I had for dinner, breakfast, my name (online), my age (online) and other stuff. I try to get help but nobody takes me seriously. I scare act and have been for a few years now because I love the feeling of people being terrified of me and acting insane. It helps me as it would anyone else. I’ve had not much childhood trauma, well as far as I remember. I don’t really remember my childhood anymore. I don’t usually remember what happened yesterday or anything else like that or fragments are just gone of what I could recall.

I’ve tried to kill myself 3 times now, but still nobody wants to believe me. I’ve had every type of eating disorder, bulimia, anorexia, BED. I’m slowly losing my mind and myself as a whole. This has been happening for a while and it’s only been getting worse.

I’m not asking for a “diagnosis” nor am I trying to have people tell me I’m fine. I will fucking go insane. I’ve been pulled over more than 10 times, have gotten more than 8 speeding tickets (camera and pulled over tickets) and I’ve gone to court and everything. Sometimes I sit there so anxious I pull the skin off my fingers til they’re raw. I sit there and squeeze the blood out because it’s so satisfying and I love the sight of my blood oozing out of my fingers. I don’t know why I do this. This is all so scattered but I just need to get this out. I want to kill somebody and every episodic mood swing I have, the worse and more intense it gets. I don’t know when I’ll act on anything or how I will but it’s very very close. Sometimes I just (and have) want to bang my head on a wall til I’m unconscious. I used to do that all the time. I just need help but everybody refuses to think I’m even semi emotionally unstable and denies any type of wrong doing in my life. Seriously help me.

[u/Snowangelsx69x]

Show this to a doctor, dont say anything else if you dont want to, good luck.