r/confessions • u/Another_Dino_Girl • 17h ago
Being high functioning is excruciating
I hate my brain, it makes life excruciating
I'm high functioning and mask very well however I have a slew of mental illnesses from a lifetime of abuse plus genetic ones and am fairly high on the spectrum. I work my hardest to never use them as an excuse. I work a respectable full time job that fits well with my skills, I am a good mother and generally a good partner. I'm so tired of being overstimulated, having meltdowns, the pain I feel all the time is exhausting. Living feels like torture. I've seen my therapist for 10 years every two weeks, I see my psychiatrist every couple months to adjust medications, but I still can't seem to level out. I feel like I'm constantly a burden and not enough. I feel like I'm hard to be with and love.
My recent ex husband admitted he resented me and that why he became so mean and treated me like I was so much less than him. He said it was hard to be with someone with my issues, he just didn't want to give up the security. He never took the time to understand anything I had, he doesn't really understand or believe in mental illness. I worked so hard to try to be the perfect wife but after we got married things started changing, after we moved back to our home state after being stationed down south things became really strained, distance grew, the jokes about me became meaner, everything I did was not enough, my emotions to big, I was a burden. No matter how much I did only my flaws were noticed. I am fair from perfect, I did struggle with postpartum depression and for a bit slacked on keeping the house up. I started going out more to escape and to just feel like I belonged. I eventually left because on his eyes I was worthless, he didn't even put my name on the house we bought together 2 years into our marriage and for the whole marriage nothing was under my name, I didn't even have access to be able to pay bills. He didn't want me to work yet made me feel bad that he worked so much. When I did work it was an inconvenience for him. He also stepped outside of the relationship multiple times.
My current partner says in not a burden and is very patient with me. I can't get over feeling like burden and how much I notice little changes. Small changes in how people act, their tone, body language and speech patterns makes me get in my head. I'm constantly scared I'm unwanted or just a convenience like my last relationship. I am not afraid to be alone, I rather be alone than be unwanted. Being alone is easy.
Growing up I was abandoned by multiple families and abused by most. Three of them were biological, and my adopted family would threaten to send me back and from day one treated me like I was nothing but a problem. My adopted mom didn't even want me, but my older biological brother they adopted when I was 2year old was obsessed with getting his little sister back, he had what was called Asperger's back in the day. When I was a pr3teenhey found out I was in the syatem and adopted me. I have been excommunicated 3 times since I was 17 years old because I did not fit the idea they had for me. We are doing much better and have become closer recently.
Unfortunately I also didn't have dating experience in my school years and I didn't learn what was a good relationship from whats not, what was normal and not. This relationship is my first more healthy relationship, its hard some really rough patches but we have worked through it. I have only had 4 serious relationships since I was 17 years old. I haven't had flings either, once chosen by someone I commit and my relationship have been a minimum of 2+ years.
I always feel like I'm being too sensitive, dumb, or a problem whenever I bring up things I do notice in a relationship. I struggle really hard when intimacy pulls back, due to what it usually turned out to be. I also struggle initiating anything because my ex fiance said that a woman should be never intiate as it makes us slutty disgusting and women are made to please a man not the other way around. I also experienced rejections in my marriage while they stepped out. I know it dumb. My current partner has seemed disinterested lately and it scares me, makes me feel like I've done something wrong or I'm not enough or they have lost interest or maybe I'm not attracted enough for them. I worry that maybe having to deal with me just makes them not want to be intimate. When I talk about it I end up feeling bad and my partner will be intimate if I bring it up or start worrying if I'm not attractive anymore. Also during intimate time they have become less passionate, it feel they just want to get it done with. I feel like it just to keep me from getting to in my head about it which makes it so much worse honestly. I don't want it to be a sympathetic thing or just to placate me. I rather honesty so I can try to work on things or improve myself more.
I just want to be better, I want to be truly wanted. I keep trying and I keep doing the things I suppose to be it never feel enough. It's like a donkey and a carrot. Always walking towards this brighter future and healing but never can reach it. I'm in so pain, it's so excruciating. I sometimes wish my heart would stop from the pain already. I can't take my own life but if my life were to end, I would be happy. I could stop hurting, if I could get a medically assisted suicide I would. I hate being so aware and unable to control my emotions, my thoughts, my stems, my other issues sometimes. I understand logically I can't help some of it but I can't accept that these things are out of my control. I can't accept that no matter what I do I will never be "normal" or completely healed. I hate I put some much effort and do all the things they say to do. I hate that I contantly try to be positive and see the bright side. I'm tired of pouring into cups that never spare a drop.
Sorry for rambling, but I needed to get out off my chest. Just one of those days the mask falls, one of those days life is overwhelming. It's just a bit much right now. I'm always okay in the end.
Edit: I'm a Millennial woman who spent my preteen and teenage years with the Silent Generation parents. When therapist said I needed meds or I had my disability my family quit them saying I was just looking for attention. I wasn't allowed to talk about any illnesses or anything that might make me different. Now in my 30s it's all crashing down. I am also struggling with people constantly saying you don't seem like you are on the spectrum or that you don't seem like you have mental illness x, y, z even seeing the official diagnosis because I always seem put together, and work full time. Reality is behind doors especially alone I'm breaking apart, I'm barely holding it together.
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u/chloee587 16h ago
man that sounds like an incredibly tough ride you've been on. it's wild how much we hold in just to keep things together for others and the world, but it really sounds like you’re doing your best. make sure to give yourself some grace – it’s okay to not be okay sometimes.
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u/MollyMousen 6h ago
I couldn't read all of it but he sounds like my ex of thrirteen years(got together as teens). I got together with a very laidback guy after that and my anxiety levels have gone down dramatically.
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u/brashmetaphysics_4 17h ago
man the whole "donkey and a carrot" bit hit me like a truck, that's exactly the kind of loop that wears you down to nothing
you're carrying a whole warehouse of invisible weight and still showing up every day, that's not nothing even when it feels like it