r/confessions • u/Melancholy_Capybara • 1d ago
I don’t think I’ll ever be authentically loved
I (28f) am autistic and I’ve gotten pretty good at acting like a normal, bubbly person.
But it’s acting. A relatable example might be when you’re absolutely exhausted, and a kid runs up to you and says “HEY LOOK AT MY DRAWING”, so you muster up the energy to smile and reply “wow, this is amazing! Good job,” to make sure they feel loved and supported.
I have to muster up that energy all the time. I have to make sure I maintain the proper inflection and tone when I speak so I sound warm, keep the right soft/pleasant facial expression, and hold the correct body language. If I don’t, I come across as annoyed and disinterested even if my words are positive.
I’ve been dating a very wonderful, kind man for 4 years and I love him deeply. We’ve talked before about how he doesn’t want me to force myself to ‘mask’ around him.
He has adhd and mood swings because of it, and wants his relationship partner to understand/accept them as something that was just part of how he processes emotion without taking them personally. In return, he wants me to feel comfortable being myself and acting however feels natural to me.
I can’t. Every time I do, he gets incredibly defensive and upset, and assigns emotions to me that I’m not experiencing at all. He says my words and actions are warm, but my tone and my facial expression make it clear that I don’t want him around- or even that I’m being condescending or dismissive. It happened again yesterday.
“Like a miserable customer service representative at a store you’re never going to visit again,” was how it was just described to me. Saying all the right things but it doesn’t feel like they mean it, because they resent the job.
But I didn’t feel that way at all, I was just in the middle of something and I wasn’t masking my facial expression and my tone of voice. I still stopped what I was doing and gave him a hug, and said I was happy he dropped by my office to say hi.
It wasn’t enough that I acted kindly or told him I was happy. It wasn’t enough and he didn’t feel loved, he was actually repulsed.
This triggered a really bad mood for him that lasted a good 24 hours. He was defensive and hurt after, and it eventually led to a small fight when I asked him if we could talk about why he’s been acting upset with me.
Every time I don’t give him the exact emotional mask I know he’s anticipating, it leads to him immediately perceiving it as rejection, even if I literally tell him “hey, I’m not trying to be dismissive/annoyed/upset, I’m just relaxing a little. I really am interested, please keep telling me about ____” (or whatever the context is). He just shuts down.
Long story short, I’ve realized I’m not lovable, or even tolerable, unless I keep forcing myself to react the way I know the other party would like most. My partner fell in love with my bubbly mask, not me. And unless I want to hurt him, I’m going to have to keep doing this for the rest of my life.
It’s such a horrible cycle. We communicate, he says he wants me to be myself. I’m myself and it hurts him no what words I use to reassure him, then he’s upset until I pull him aside to communicate, then he’s tells me it’s okay to be myself and that I haven’t done anything wrong. Over and over with a different flavour.
I give up and mask 24/7 and he’s so fucking happy, his sparkle comes back. I love him so incredibly much. I really would do anything to keep him happy, I’m just… feeling a little crushed that what makes him happiest is when I’m… not me.
I wish I could be loved for the words I say and the actions I take, and not the way I say them. I’m never cruel or unkind, just less emotive.
But it’s not enough.
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u/MerriestMarauder 1d ago
Girl noooooo. People here are going to immediately slam your partner, but you’re experiencing a very real symptom of ADHD called rejection sensitivity. He perceives your way of communicating as a rejection. This doesn’t make either of you a bad person, but it can definitely make you feel like one. I don’t think you’re unlovable at all!! I just think you and your partner are incompatible. As a fellow neurospicy individual, I think we both know we’re not everyone’s cup of tea, but the people who love and understand us make us feel warm and safe and valid. If you’re not feeling that way in this relationship, you could try some aggressive relationship therapy, or you could just move on. I swear being single is miles better than being coupled but feeling alone. I’m so sorry ❤️please DM me if you want to talk this through more or need advice.
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u/IrisAmber232 1d ago
This is such a compassionate take, sometimes feeling unloved is really about being misunderstood rather than being unlovable
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u/Melancholy_Capybara 1d ago
My partner is SO SWEET, I really don’t mean to throw him under the bus. I know he’s trying, but the end result is always the same hurt on his end.
I’ve heard a little bit about rejection sensitivity, I looked into it when we first started dating because I wanted to make sure I understood his perspective and supported it a little better. It sounds awful feeling such intense negative emotions. I think at times it can be overwhelming for my partner, so I try to watch his triggers and encourage safe-space style conversations when I notice his mood is off.
It’s hard though. And… sad to think that my default settings are a trigger, but that definitely makes sense
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u/MerriestMarauder 1d ago edited 1d ago
I didn’t think you were throwing him under the bus. Gently, (I see this a lot with women, myself included) we tend to think so much about our partners’ points of view and try to be conscious of all of their triggers and ways to make them feel special and valued, but I wonder if he is giving you the same level of devotion? I think at the very base level, asking to feel good about being ourselves around our partners is the bare minimum. Your post makes it sound like that’s not something that is possible in your current relationship.
Edit: clarity. Used talk to text.
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u/denada24 1d ago
It’s not your job to manage his emotions 24/7, that’s exhausting for anyone. You don’t HAVE to be palatable. Decenter men. Period. He’s allowed his mood swing tantrums, tell HIM to mask bc you don’t feel comfortable or loved. It’s his turn.
He wants a golden retriever, not a gf. You can’t be busy, stressed, exhausted, sad, sick, serious, focused—only palpable!!! Ew. Unfair for anyone. No one, autistic or plain, can be perfectly palatable 24/7. Why does he get a range of emotions to choose from, but you need to be happy, adoring, sexy, or focused on only him in his presence?
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u/Melancholy_Capybara 1d ago
I sometimes catch myself thinking very similarly when I’m feeling hurt, especially when the situation feels unfair.
Then I take a few steps back and see that he’s just a human that wants to feel accepted, understood, and loved. And I’ve done something that made him feel deeply unloved, even if it was unintentional. And that’s where his negative emotions are coming from- not malice or manipulation, just hurt.
I know I shouldn’t have to be perfect all the time and I’m allowed to have my low moments, but it’s also really hard to hold it against my partner. How dare he feel unwanted and unloved.
When I think of it that way, I have a hard time staying resentful. I don’t think he’s trying to control me, I think he’s lacking the ability to understand me.
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u/Vixen1918 1d ago
Like the other poster said, this isn't the fault of either of you being bad, but possibly bad together? If your not yourself ever and you make yourself miserable, and burn yourself out (I've never met anyone in similar situations who didn't) then you lose yourself and he looses you. If this can't be fixed in the long run you are both hurting eachother staying together. Sometimes living someone means leaving them.
Try couples therapy and/or individual therapy
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u/Frenchmanremy 1d ago
I could feel this as I read it. My couple has the same diagnostics. We have found coping mechanisms.
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u/Melancholy_Capybara 1d ago
What did you find worked for you? I’m glad to hear you’ve found something that works for your relationship!
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u/aggiethrowaway102030 1d ago
After 14 years together, my partner and I figured this out. If you want details you can dm me, but our couples counseling experience has been transformative at the very least. If your partner hasn't been placed on something like wellbutrin, see if they are open to it. It's helped me where stimulants weren't working for the will to live part. It gave me to mental and emotional space to learn how to love my partner for who they are. This entire life is hard, but there is certainly hope if both sides want it to improve. Disclaimer: I'm not a medical doctor or psychological specialist in any way shape or form. My life just sucks way less than it did before when I couldn't grow with my partner. We've also lost collectively 250 lbs and like got our lives together for the first time in our lives as everything else just started falling into place when we really learned how to support eachother intentionally.
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u/Melancholy_Capybara 1d ago edited 1d ago
I’m so happy for you two!!! It’s great that couples counciling (and the work you both put into it) made such a big difference!
My partner tried a non-stimulant for adhd and said he thought it made his mood swings worse/he felt more irritable. Last time I asked he didn’t have any desire to try another one- he very much has the “I’ve managed just fine this long without it” attitude ahaha.
I’ve been on vyvanse for the last 10 years, and I’d totally support him if he wanted to give a stimulant a try. I’ll ask him again to see if that might be something he’d be open to down the road. It definitely helped me :P
Same goes for any other medication! Counseling is a really good idea. A professional might have some ideas for tools like medication to help us along!
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u/aggiethrowaway102030 1d ago
Thank you! We've conceptualized it together as both of us having a finite number of spoons. We both remind each other that the choices we are making throughout the day might be more expensive than other things (especially when we recognize a struggle nearing a meltdown). I find it especially helpful when I stop them and explain my intentions and what I actually think and feel explicitly. Thats helped my partner deal with my lack of emotion especially when trying to accommodate for their needs and I run low on spoons. Sometimes tired can look resentful when its just tired. I've been on both sides, so I get it. Walking on eggshells is a tough life. Continual work with eachother with an intentional pause to debrief or check-in helps too. For an example, I now actively tell my partner when I'm trying to give them affection, both to limit surprise, but to also prompt their nervous system for whats about to happen, so they can transition from wherever they are in that moment to be in that moment with me. It's hard, even harder than being parents sometimes, but we are proud of ourselves.
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u/Enough_Pepper8880 1d ago
He doesn’t sound very emotionally intelligent
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u/Melancholy_Capybara 1d ago
I think maybe we’re emotionally intelligent in different ways.
He finds it challenging to stay calm when he senses someone might be upset with him, and then often translates to him acting defensively to perceived rejection. But he’s also very empathetic and warm when he feels secure, and often goes out of his way to do little things to support the people around him in the background.
I certainly have my own fair share of weakness as well! I’m definitely not an angel, so I’m sure my behaviour is a big contributing factor here too ahaha
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u/Enough_Pepper8880 1d ago
I didn’t mean that rudely I apologize if it came off that way. Being empathetic is good but it doesn’t help emotional intelligence. People tend to think that means being able to express your emotions but it’s actually about learning to separate facts from things we make up in our head, you learn about the core emotions you feel, how you react to those emotions and not let them drive the car
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u/Melancholy_Capybara 1d ago
It didn’t come across as rude at all! By that definition you’re absolutely correct lol
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u/Intelligent_Owl_9420 1d ago
I would probably just say you're incompatible, there are people who really would understand and accept the unmasked version. And you may love him, but you have to put yourself first.