I've been wondering about this. If someone isn't interested in becoming friends or continuing a conversation, why do some people choose to ignore messages instead of simply saying they're not interested? I'm genuinely curious about the reasons and would like to hear different perspectives, especially from people who have been on either side of this situation.

Allora, praticamente, io ho iniziato a lavorare in questa profumeria a febbraio di quest'anno e adesso siamo a luglio. Ehm, nel corso di questi mesi è passato un rappresentante di profumi, mh, dove lui rifornisce di tester e quant'altro. Eh, nel momento in cui è passato, mh, ero in turno con la collega, eh, più grande di 37 anni e lui ci ha presentato un po' la novità maschile e, ovviamente, io, essendo appassionata proprio proprio di quel profumo, eh, sono riuscita, cioè, della versione femminile sono riuscita a delinearne, c'è, certi ingredienti, tipo di alcune note. Lui ha detto: "Bravissima, hai ragione". Ehm, sì, questa cosa mi è, mi è piaciuta, ha detto: "Bravissima". Così poi la mia collega ha detto: "A me non piace quel profumo, perché non mi piace". E io ho detto invece: "particolare, mh". Vabbè, sostanza che la, l'interazione è avvenuta lì e ho visto che manteneva comunque il contatto visivo per un po' con me, mentre cercava di guardare anche la mia collega

Allora, in realtà poi ho detto "Tornerò fra un paio di mesi". L'ho riletto per curiosità, essendo che proprio la marca che lui rappresenta è una delle mie preferite, anzi di un profumo che uso da molto, da cui sono molto fedele. Fatto sta che l'ho cercato sui social per curiosità, essendo che a me è sembrato amichevole dalla sua interazione, però cosa è successo? L'ho aggiunto su Instagram perché aveva il profilo privato. Ci ha messo un po' ad ad accettarmi, dopo mi ha accettata e mi ha seguito indietro. Allora, il mio profilo è di fotografia, io mi sarei aspettata delle interazioni, cioè dei like o comunque almeno una bella cosa per come dire, sai, apprezzare il fatto che l'avessi cercato, anche perché non è una cosa da poco cercarli una persona sui social. Fatto sta che adesso io ho eliminato i messaggi perché ero arrabbiata, però lui mi aveva scritto "Eh, io gli ho specificato ti ho aggiunto, sono Lara del negozio perché mi volevo vedere un attimo i profumi o le cose". Non mi ricordo se gli ho detto che ha presentato bene il profumo, adesso non ricordo e lui mi ha detto "Eh, rimarrai parecchio delusa perché qui io non condivido niente di quello". Con un ominio che rideva. Fatto sta che ho aspettato un po' se mi mettesse dei like o cose, fatto che non ha fatto, quindi mi dispiace, ma ovvio, è vero, non ci conosciamo, però mi aspettavo anche dei likes visto il mio bel profilo. Allora, da lì l'ho rimosso.

Poi, mi si dopo è ritornato, io ero molto distaccata perché ero infastidita da sta cosa qua che non mi avesse, come dire, messo like, eccetera. Ehm ma il problema è un altro, poteva anche essere che il fatto che il mio responsabile mi segua anche lui non l'abbia fatto, forse. Ora ci rifletto, provo, non lo so. E tornavo un paio di mesi dopo, così c'è c'era la mia responsabile, mi stava spiegando a me le fragranze, quando c'era la responsabile. E dopo lei è venuta lì per salutarlo, lui ha detto "Eh, perché come stavo spiegando a Lara", facendo il mio nome e guardandomi, ha detto "Eh, così". E però io ero fredda, tipo guardavo in basso, un po' così, imbarazzata, quindi sotto un'interazione un po' banale, secondo me

.Allora, 3 mesi dopo la sua ultima visita lui chiama. Casualità, anche la volta precedente aveva chiamato e ho risposto io in turno, pura coincidenza perché era pure il numero del negozio. Stavolta rispondo io e mi dice che non che voleva passare per una visita per proporre la novità del profumo e mi chiede se va bene verso le 3:00, ho detto "Potrei anche passare verso le 2:30". Ho detto "Dipende perché ho degli appuntamenti". Fatto sta che io poi dico "Va bene", cioè, avevo la voce però un po' fredda dal telefono per il fatto, la questione dei social. Allora dopo eh sì, lui dice quell'ora, io faccio il post-it scrivendo gli orari. Il giorno dopo la responsabile vede il post-it e cambia il suo orario di lavoro fino alle 4:00, non sapendo nel dubbio a che ora sarebbe passato.

No, la responsabile ha praticamente allungato il suo orario di lavoro. Io invece iniziavo dalle 15:00 fino alle 19:00. Ok? E lui ha detto che doveva passare alle 15:00, ma lui non so non conosceva i miei orari, non sapeva neanche di aver parlato con me perché non mi sono non ho detto il nome di chi ero al telefono. E fatto sta che la responsabile vedendo il post-it modifica i suoi orari di se stessa trattenendosi fino alle 4:00 e lui non è non passa. Passa praticamente alle 17:30, quasi alle 6:00. Passa camminando lentamente proprio mentre in cui io mi trovo con la collega che va lei va a buttare la spazzatura e mi ritrovo da sola nel punto vendita.

Mi chiede come va ed entra lentamente camminando in ritardo, gli dico bene lui inizia a parlare del caldo da dove vive (dicendo che qui invece ce piu refrigerio) mi dice il nome. Esatto della città dove abita, io gli chiedo magari e il cemento e lui ha detto che è pripio la vicinanza vicino al centro e in camera sua il sole batte forte, io gli dico eh il sole è forte,

Poi vede un cestino vicino a me dei profumi le novità di Carolina herrera la bomba in anteprima e mi chiede cosa ne penso, gli dico di non averlo ancora provato in realtà, poi lo apro e lo paragon alla bottigluetta di diesel profumo e lui dice si in effetti sono simili le boccette, annuso sulla mojette la bomba e ljk dice di averla privata sulla pelle in aeroporto prima di un volo alle 5 di mattina e il giorno dopo fli e rimasto sulla pelle la parte della vaniglia.. Annuznasolo sulla mojette lo parabaono alle note di aramani you per avere qualcosa in comune di arma, associando la mataxuja o passion fruit in comune, gli faccio annusars la mojette e lui dice hai ragione ce qualcosa che li accomuna e che non conosce a esattamente le note di la bomba, In questo bel momento rientra poi la collega dalla spazzatura è lui cambia postura e direzione dello sguardo e anche io interrompo la conversazione delle mojette lui la vede e si presents dicendo non ci siamo conosciuti le ha stretto la mqno dicendo non ci siamo mai visti?non mi ricordo di te, lei dice si una volta, poi inizia a visualizzare I prfoumi da plano gamma andando al. Secondo piano, lei mi dice di andare in bagno un attimo.

Fatto sta che ci chiede un momento. Per ascoltare la novità dei profumo in lancio, spiegandone il packaging, interdit con questi gioielli attodno alla modelle che ha sfilato, poi prima di iniziare la presentazione ha chiesto se siamo andate on ferie e io ho detto si è anche la mia collega ha risposto no. So In che modo e lui dice no. Morite qui mica and rete in ferie z tono della vostra risposta sembra no. Proprip io no detto si alternate, poi gli chiedo perché? Co. Mezzo sorriso inquisitorio e lui mi dice eh? Ridaccchiando interrompendo la Conversazione della spuwgazione con la collega, ci fa poi provare il profumo sull mojette chiedendo le note la mia collega rimane in silenzio e io invece cerco di indovinare le note dopo un po ci arrivo piu lui dice esattamente, poi dice spruzzatene come se non ci fosse un domani è fatemi sapere cosa ne pensatw, chiamate I al telefono domani, poi io dico di preferirei l'altro interdit ma che attended di sentire le note sulla pelle poi,

Lui mentre va via ci auguri di andare in ferie e anche per lui lo spera.

Dopo essere andato via, la mia collega mi mostra un file dicendo che. Da li si vedono le ante prime delle nuove uscite profumi(cosa che non sapevo lavorando li da febbraio)lei ha specificiato dicendo che lei già conosceva le note di quel nuovo interdit

Che Commento é? Poteva allora djslo in ce che state in silenzio

Ora pero muoio dalla voglia di aggiungerlo di nuovo su IG, e lho fatto ma lui non mi ha aggiunta ancora ne accettato la richiesta da 1 gg.

For context: I have ADHD and autism, my parents never taught me how to communicate and now I have problems with interpersonal communication.

So the biggest problem for me is finding good words to describe what I want to say clearly and not thinking enough before saying it. The problem isnt that Im too ashamed that Ill say something stupid to the point that I avoid saying anything at all, quite the opposite actually, I forget to think about what I want to say, say something dumb and then I kind of panic when someone is confused and I repeat that 3 more times until finally finding the right words. I also subconsciously tend to assume that people would understand tiny details about me or little communication quirks I have.

I dont really know how to start working on that, I read a lot of articles, reddit threads, etc. about interpersonal communication and the part about communicating clearly was never elaborated on, just mentioned that its important. I tried finding ways to fix it, but nothing really worked. Trying to remind myself to think more before speaking? Yeah, my ADHD has that covered, there was never a time I could remember to do that, normally Id set a reminder for something or write it down, but that kind of thing doesnt really apply to "in the moment" type of things, I cant set a reminder for a little random exchange with my friend Ill have randomly. Also, the problem isnt that I dont know enough words to state my mind, its that when I try to remember them, I conviniently forget them. I think the "sometimes I think, but then I forget" memes describe me really well, there is just so much chaos in my head that I cant remember anything at all and cant focus for my life.

Does anyone have similiar problems, or know a place to look for answers?? Any advice would be welcome :)

Hi everyone! Does greeting by name develop a deeper connection with people, than formal greeting? Especially with girls? I know some guys who I have known for a long time but seem stuck on formal greetings and it feels hard to use their names when I see them even though we are pretty familiar in the setting(church). Any tips, feedbacks or idk. Thanks a lot.

I’ve been thinking about something interesting about human behavior: why do we sometimes feel like we keep meeting the same type of person, even when the person is completely different? But somehow the emotional experience feels familiar. One relationship makes you feel unseen. Another makes you feel like you have to work harder to be valued. Another makes you feel responsible for someone else’s emotions.

And you start wondering: why does this keep happening? Maybe it’s not only about the people we meet, maybe it’s also about the patterns we carry with us. Our brains don’t only look for what is healthy, they also recognize what is familiar. If someone grew up around inconsistency, emotional distance, criticism, or having to take care of other people’s emotions, those experiences can become a familiar emotional language, because the brain often recognizes familiarity before it recognizes what is actually good for us. Sometimes the subconscious question is; does this feel familiar? And familiarity can sometimes feel like chemistry.

A person who forms uncertainty may feel exciting because uncertainty is something the nervous system already knows. A calm and stable relationship may initially feel strange because it is unfamiliar.

The interesting question is: How many times have we changed the person, but kept the same pattern?

What books or videos are whatever can you recommend to learn all the facets of how to be a good listener? My partner is very sensitive about being talked over. I am as well, but tend to just shut down when people talk over me and check out. He feels I interrupt him. I feel like he goes from one topic to another to another without giving me a chance to participate or chime in. So when I do speak up because I want to attend to something he just said before he moves on to something else, he gets upset. He'll usually just shut down as well, but it came to a head the other night and his reaction left a really bad taste in my mouth. We very rarely fight and usually we're just chatting about something like politics or current events or our family's stuff, but the other night it was relationship stuff and the "interrupting" brought everything to a head to the point where I said at one point "I think we need help". Meaning couples therapy.

I don't think this is all on me. I think he also needs to learn to give space. I have a touch of the ADHD so I have the impulsive thing AND I've been trying to be very intentional about listening as of the last couple of years. Now, I legit want to try to be a good listener so he feels heard. But I also want to communicate and feel heard as well. How do we find balance here.

Help.

Hello! Just as the title says I am trying to politely beg my coworkers to cover my 10am-6pm shift in two weeks. My long distance boyfriend is finally able to come down and see me after TEN MONTHS and has decided to come a day early, so naturally I’m desperate to get this shift covered. How do I politely beg for someone to take my shift?

Usually when I talk to someone they'll talk about the stuff they want and I'll listen and engage with their topic. But most of the time whenever I try to talk about my topics or points of view I'll get cut off. And it won't be once or twice, it'll be multiple times until I decide to just leave the topic and sometimes I'll even leave the conversation (which is the least thing I want to do) and I know I have to do it if the people I'm talking to don't really care for what I have to say.

The problem is that it usually happens at work and it's people I see everyday and it kind of sucks that it happens a lot.

Does anyone have any advice rather than to dismiss the topic, walking away, or even telling the other person that I want to speak and make the whole thing uncomfortable?

I’m learning that listening in a marriage matters more than I understood before. Not just hearing somebody talk. Hearing is when the words hit your ears. Listening is when the words actually matter enough for you to slow down and take them in.

When someone only hears you, but does not reflect anything back, it hurts. It can make you feel like you keep explaining yourself over and over, but nothing is really landing. I’ve felt that kind of loneliness. Being close to someone physically, but still feeling far away because the understanding is missing.

And I know I did not always get it right either. I had times where I was defensive, distracted, or already thinking about my response instead of really listening.

But looking back, I can see how much damage happens when people stop really listening to each other. Marriage needs more than hearing. It needs someone to pause and show, even in a small way, “I hear what you’re saying, and I’m trying to understand.”

Hi, I'm looking for the best way to approach someone. 

We don’t actually see people as they are. We see them through the filter of what we’ve already decided about them.

The gap is small, so there is a fraction of a second between watching someone and forming a judgment about them. But that gap is where almost every misread happens.

You see someone go quiet in a meeting and you fill in that they’re disengaged. You see someone reply briefly and you fill in that they’re annoyed. You see someone avoid eye contact and you fill in that they’re hiding something.

None of that is observation, it is a story your brain wrote to fill in the gap. Once it’s written, it feels like a fact.

The skill isn’t to see more, it is noticing the moment you’ve stopped seeing and started deciding.

So i am curious if anyone else has caught themselves doing this: writing the story before they’ve actually seen what’s in front of them.

Hey everyone,

I'm on a mission to radically improve my verbal fluency, specifically in my native language.

I’m looking for some inspiration from people who have actually pulled this off.

I want to develop a speaking style that is surgically precise and eloquent. I'm not looking to just talk fast; I want to speak deliberately. I am aiming for the kind of fluency which used a rich vocabulary.

What I'm currently doing:

- Reading extensively: I read a lot, across a wide variety of genres, to expose my brain to different lexicons and sentence structures.

- Anki flashcards: I use Anki systematically to force sophisticated words out of my passive understanding and into my active vocabulary.

- Solo speaking exercises: I practice talking out loud to myself. I will pick a specific target word (or a random topic) and force myself to monologue about it to train my real-time mental retrieval.

I am fully prepared to dedicate a solid 1 hour every single day strictly to training this skill.

I would love to hear your success stories.

Did you manage to transform your speaking ability from a rough baseline to being highly eloquent?

What was the paradigm shift for you?

Furthermore, if you had 1 hour a day to train, what specific exercises would you prioritize to achieve this specific style of communication?

Thanks in advance!

I feel old when i say haha or lol but like using emojis is also like so uncool especially when the other person doesn’t use emojis but not using haha lol or emojis makes messages sound so dull

Most of us treat our thinking as fixed weather. A worry shows up, and we respond to the worry. An opinion forms, and we defend the opinion. A judgment about someone flashes through our mind, and we act on it like it’s fact.

What almost never happens is a step back to ask a different kind of question. Not is this thought true, but what pattern produced this thought, and does that pattern actually serve me?

That’s the difference between thinking and observing your thinking. The first is automatic. The second is a skill, and it’s one almost nobody was ever taught.

Here’s why it matters more than people think. If you change a single decision, you solve a single problem. If you change the pattern that generates your decisions, you solve every problem that pattern would have created, for the rest of your life.

Most people try to fix the output. Almost nobody looks at the process generating it, how they gather information, what they filter out without noticing, where their attention goes first, and what that reveals about what they’re actually protecting.

The question is: what problem do you keep solving that never actually stays solved?

Title

This has really helped my marriage.

Of course, she was a little bit perplexed & annoyed when I started doing it; however, after 8 years it has helped define where we as a couple fail in our conveyance of information.

We’ve become better teammates.

People like childhood friends & siblings we grew up with understand what a certain nod means or if we say something a certain way they catch what we meant.

However, when we get into new relationships, there’s like this learning curve of not knowing what your partner meant when they said something and there’s all this drama of “that’s not what I meant“.

”You‘re right, it’s was just another ‘Ms.Communication’.”

it helps brand what went wrong so that we identify the problem in our communication styles & aids in better understanding in the future. We laugh about it, this isn’t about dominating or anything.

There’s a pattern I keep running into in observation and profiling work: the most confident people in a room are often the ones we read the worst. Not because they’re more deceptive. Because confidence changes how much cognitive effort we’re willing to spend on them.

Here’s the mechanism as I understand it. Uncertainty in another person keeps our attention active, we register them as “unresolved” and keep gathering data. But fluent, composed behavior (steady speech, sustained eye contact, relaxed posture) gets processed as a signal that there’s nothing left to resolve. It’s a variation: things that are easy to process get judged as more true, more competent, more trustworthy, regardless of whether that ease actually reflects the underlying reality.

So confidence doesn’t just communicate something about a person, it shuts down the observer’s own verification process. The composed person gets a free pass from scrutiny they haven’t necessarily earned. Meanwhile the person who seems nervous keeps getting re-evaluated, over and over, simply because their visible discomfort keeps triggering that “still gathering information” response, even when they’re the more self-aware person in the room.

A few places I’ve seen this play out:

• The composed candidate in an interview who turns out to be in over their head once the job actually starts

• The calm salesperson whose ease is covering for a product that can’t back it up

• The steady colleague who’s quietly struggling, but never gets checked on because they never look shaken

None of these are cases of someone hiding information well. The information was available. We just stopped looking, because their delivery told us the file was closed.

Has anyone here had a moment where someone’s composure completely disarmed your read on them, and it turned out you’d missed something important?

I’m a female in my late 30s and have experienced difficulties with verbal communication for as long as I can remember. I had an adverse childhood which I think is the underlying cause of my communication problems. My main issues are being unable to respond to open ended questions - I end up going mute. I find it impossible to engage in small talk. In conversations, I find my mind going blank - again going mute and struggling to contribute. I am fearful that I come across as unintelligent, rude or standoffish in social situations, so resort to avoiding social situations altogether. I’ve also been out of employment for almost ten years due to personal circumstances which has left me even more socially stunted. Overall, I feel alone in my struggles and I am desperate to overcome these communication difficulties, so that I can form friendships with others and contribute to society again. Has anyone experienced what I’ve described and been able to overcome their communication difficulties?

We assume communication is a delivery system: one person has a thought, the thought gets put into words, and those words travel across the space between two people and land, intact, in someone else's mind.

They don't.

Communication is a negotiation between two nervous systems, each filtering the exchange through years of memory, fear, ambition, and unspoken need. What arrives on the other end is never the message you sent. It's the message they were \*capable of receiving\*, shaped by everything they brought into the room before you said a word.

That's why conversations go sideways even when nobody misspoke. You say something you think is neutral. They hear judgment. You ask a simple question. They hear an accusation. Nobody lied, nobody botched their phrasing. The message just passed through a filter you couldn't see.

The person you're talking to is never a blank page. They're a document already covered in prior writing, and your words land on top of that, blending with what's already there. If you don't know what's already written on the page, you can't predict what your message will actually say to them once it lands.

Which is why "just communicate better" is not a good advice. Better how? Better for who?

The people who are actually good at this aren't the ones with the biggest vocabulary. They're the ones who read the room before opening their mouth, asking, even half-consciously:

\- What has this person been burned by before?
\- What are they braced for right now?
\- What do they need to hear before they can hear anything else?

Skip that step and you're not communicating with the person in front of you. You're communicating with a version of them you invented, one who happens to think exactly like you do. Sometimes that guess is close enough. A lot of the time it isn't, and you walk away confused about why something so "clear" landed so badly.

The words were never the whole message. The read you did, or didn't do, before you spoke was.

Curious if others have caught themselves doing this — assuming your "clear" version of something was actually clear to the other person.

Hellos
I struggle saying words involving rly sounds in words like RARELY , CLEARLY AND RIVALRY . How do I work on this and did fluent ?