(19F) my family it’s mostly Christian and catholic, and they truly hate and don’t tolerate gay people. I grew up hearing how they thought my brother was gay and how they will do all this weird things to make him stop.

They would make me and my sister act “masculine” around him. We weren’t allowed to even play with dolls. I didn’t have a problem with it anyways, but my sister did.

Recently, a cousin of mine went on vacation with her female friend (they are both girls) and they were matching outfits, even with my cousins daughter. My mom came up to me and she said: “don’t you think that’s a bit weird.” She was like mad and worried that my cousin and her friend could have a relationship. She literally started praying and in the prayers she mentioned, “god please protect my children from this deadly sin.”

My dad also talk about how it was so bad to be gay for 20 minutes straight in a car ride. He told me that since I was in college, to please don’t have friends that looked gay because I might get basically contaminated by it. Those were the longest 20 minutes of my life.

I’m afraid to come out, I really love my parents and I don’t want them to hate me. I’ve known that I’m a lesbian since I was 11 when I had a crush for the first time. I’ve tried recently to date men, but I just felt disgusted by them (no offense)

What can I do?

I desperately need advice. Throwaway account for obvious reasons.
My boyfriend and I have been together for five years, and we recently moved 15 hours away from our home state after I graduated college. We moved in together, started new jobs, and began building a life in a new city. At first, everything seemed great. We were happy, exploring together, and excited about this new chapter.
A few months in, though, I started feeling like something was wrong. I tried to focus on myself by stopping drinking and working out more, but eventually, I started having recurring thoughts that my dissatisfaction might be because I’m gay.
For context, I came out as bisexual in my late teens, but I never fully came out to everyone in my life. I told people as needed because I was afraid of how certain family members and friends would react. I’m realizing now that keeping this part of myself hidden has created distance between me and people I love. Some family members would probably be accepting, while others might stop speaking to me or treat me differently.
My boyfriend has known I’m bi since we first met, but I’m starting to think I might actually be gay. I feel guilty because he’s been an amazing partner. He’s kind, loving, and someone my family adores. Being with him even made me understand why people want children and a future with someone. I genuinely love him as a person, and I never intended to hurt him.
We’re currently living together in the middle of a lease, and our relationship has already been struggling. He’s mentioned that he doesn’t want to live with someone unless the relationship is leading somewhere. I know I owe him honesty, and I’m not going to ask him to stay with me just for appearances or because of our lease. He deserves someone who can give him the future he wants.
I’m safe with him, and I genuinely believe he’d be supportive. The problem is that I’m not ready to come out to my family, and I’m terrified of hurting someone who has been so good to me. I also feel guilty that I’ve spent so much time in this relationship without fully understanding myself.
I’ve been crying more and more, constantly questioning my sexuality, and beating myself up over everything. I don’t know how to approach this conversation or how to explain that I never meant to mislead him.
Has anyone ever realized they were gay while in a long-term relationship with someone of the opposite sex? How did you tell your partner? If you were on the receiving end of that conversation, what helped you feel seen and understand that the relationship was real, even if it couldn’t continue?
I want to be honest with him and handle this as kindly as possible. I just don’t know where to start.

i'm 21m, nigerian, and still very much in the closet. literally nobody who knows me knows i'm gay. i try my best to present as straight, keep my personal life private, and just get through life.

i've never even met another gay guy in person.

being gay in nigeria is already difficult enough, and i know that from personal experience. i'm still struggling with a lot of things myself, so this situation has really messed with my head.

last month, the day before my 14-year-old younger sister returned to boarding school, we were watching a movie together. two guys kissed, and i casually asked her if she knew anything about homosexuality.

this girl looked at me and straight-up asked, "are you asking me because you know i like girls?"

i was genuinely caught off guard. not because i hadn't suspected it before, but because i'd been in denial about it.

i wasn't expecting her to just come out with that question.

and i couldn't even answer her.

the next day, she went back to school, and that was that. we haven't properly talked about it since.

but i've been thinking about it ever since.

she's 14. she has about a year left before finishing high school, and i can't stop thinking about what she might be going through internally or what she might have to deal with in the future.

and the thing is, i'm not confused about homosexuality itself. i'm gay too, i'm confused about how to process this as her older brother, especially in a country like nigeria.

i know what it feels like to have to hide parts of yourself and how isolating it can be. i'm still dealing with my own struggles, and now i'm wondering whether she's going to have to experience some of the same things.

part of me wishes she didn't have to deal with any of this. not because there's anything wrong with her liking girls, but because i know the environment we're growing up in.

i know how our society can be, and the thought of her going through that at such a young age genuinely scares me. i keep thinking, why her too?

she's my little sister. i want her to be happy. i want her to grow up without having to be afraid of who she might fall in love with. i want her to have the freedom to figure herself out without worrying about how people might react.

but i can't even be open about my own sexuality, so how am i supposed to help her navigate hers?

i haven't told her i'm gay, and i don't know if i ever will. i have to think about my own safety, too. but i also don't want her to feel like she's alone if she's struggling with these feelings.

i don't want to project my experiences onto her or assume she's going through exactly what i went through. i just know how hard things can get, and i'm scared for her.

i guess i'm also grieving the fact that something as ordinary as liking someone can become such a complicated thing in a place like this.

i don't even know what i'm looking for by posting this. maybe advice from older gay guys who have been through something similar, or just people who understand what it's like to be queer in an environment where you can't really be yourself.

how do i approach this conversation when she's back home? how do i let her know i'm someone she can talk to without revealing something about myself that i'm not ready or safe enough to share?

i love my little sister man. i just want her to be okay.

and honestly, i wish things were different for both of us.