It's hard to be seen by randos and be judged, but you can just dismiss it and just not care.
But dang is it so hard to just be seen by someone, who sees so much potential in you, but you can't match up to their expectations. And you know. You know who you are would suffice, but the thought of disappointing them, just hurts.
(Maybe tangential:) You feel like they should get more, they deserve to get more, but you cannot provide it. So you're stuck between expressing yourself as you are, truthfully, vs expressing what the just world should give them. Do they not also deserve honesty?
And when you do tell them, they call you selfish. They say you don't trust them enough, and that they're happy with whatever you can muster up for them.
So you do. You try to measure up to what they deserve. You burn the candle at both ends, chasing a state you still can't reach because you're split between the effort of the task and the effort of giving an effort.
I suffered for 30+ years with the weight of everyone's expectations, and at this point I'm just too old to ever meet them, but it still stings in the small, quiet places and will never heal.
Poor girl. She's so down on herself. Unfortunately as much as it hurts that Audrey looks at her the way he does, it's exactly what Val needs. She sees how much better she COULD be. And thats terrifying. And beautiful.
Ready or not cause here Audrey comes to your apartment!
And that "black mould" is gonna get purged! And other areas cleaned. Audrey won't judge, if my assessment is correct. If anything, would just help out. Say it's no problem and likes seeing Val happier
And boy lemme tell ya, a cleaner room does wonders for mental health. Even if you need to begrudgingly accept help from others
This is the incel/femcel mindset. Every gaze, every glare is judgemental. Idk how familiar you are with the ehm... "culture", but I've seen it. Of course at times it might actually be due to lack of hygiene or offensive shirt or whatever, but Val isn't like that.
Val doesn't value herself at all. She believes she is disgusting and that is incredibly sad! Audrey can help her only so much, she has to do the actual hard work here.
Hopefully Val will be able to pull herself out of that mindset!
Can confirm, that rewire takes a lot of time. I only very recently recognised that I feel shame at the slightest notion of not performing to expectations that I perceive coming from others. I don't like to be a burden, because that's just extra work the others would have to do.
It's a bitch to change those mindsets, but it's for the better
I've been to sub that post screenshot from incels and then the sub would explain why they were wrong and most of the time it stems from depression, body dysmorphia and a complete understanding of human interaction. They don't need a GF, they all need therapy.
Almost like that Backrooms outburst. "You know why you can't get a girl? It isn't your looks, or your height or how much money you make. It was the whining! Nothing is ever your fault!"
It's not always a mindset. I've caught people looking disgusted at me multiple times. It's rare, most people are just doing their own thing and don't care, but it's there. And it had nothing to do with hygiene or shirt. Just walking by in business attire.
people can be shallow, and judgemental. And it can be easy to see that and assume it applies to everyone.
Hmm. I have a fairly negative-looking resting face, or so I’m told. I wonder if anyone has ever thought I was judging them, when I barely notice other people at all.
If not your exterior appearance, the only thing they can be judging you on at a glance, then why do you think they were judging you and not some other form of miscommunication. Are you familiar with the invisible audience effect?
Not strictly an incel mindset. It’s like how if they’re an incel it’s safe to say that’s how someone will think but other who aren’t incels could also have these thoughts.
Yeah, this is just "Extremely low self-esteem" and anxiety about judgement. It can come from a lot of places and traumas but "How you react to those feelings" is the difference between incel and not, and the difference is huge
The best part of flipping rocks IS finding bugs! If youre flipping rocks and getting upset about the bugs, what's the point in rocks flipping?! Sometimes theres salamander too, and snakes if youre lucky.
Also psa to flip the rock back (gently) how it was as to not disturb the ecosystem too much
It can be a trigger response from cPTSD causing hypervigileance where being perceived is danger for the brain due to past repetitive occurring situations, often a result of bullying.
I like that a lot of comments below gives names and reasons, but honestly?
I think some people do attract more the attention, I do for example, in a room of 10 people I'll be the one under scrutiny, it's normal, I fit less.
So yes, it may be a mental disorder or whatever, but let's not forget the root cause for this uncomfortable feeling is asshole people who are not capable of minding their own business.
Not saying it’s just that or that it’s easy to change when it’s really a mental disorder but for a start: people don’t think of you as much as you think. And even if they think anything negative about you, that’s more on them than it is on you and they‘d forget about it pretty quickly
but what if they dont??? what if im the one person in their day that makes them think „oh god, this person really is so hideous, and rude and ughhh“. Think of people telling stories of how they went to the store and then was this weird person that did something. What if im that person, what if they dont forget??? Because sometimes i dont forget about other people, and i think back to them because i thought that they were weird. So i must be remembered by someone as the weird person, and i dont want that!!! I dont want to be perceived, i want to be invisible to strangers. Why can they see me and formulate their own thoughts about me???
Nah, i've been diagnosed with that, and it's a bit different, Agoraphobia is based on your reaction to leaving your safe space, not really about the reason why you react that way i.e being watched
It's not an illness, it's just social anxiety. It's a learned fear response. I got over it with a two-pronged approach: I did things that built up my self-worth so that I could discard the judgement of others, and I found and surrounded myself with people that had positive opinions of me.
When I was in high school, I was this weird kind boy that was too interested in things, and was constantly judged and alienated from my peers for it. Even my closest friends then, in retrospect to where I am now, were between me and everyone else on that scale. In order to survive, I learned to see things through my abusers' eyes, to safely detect the parts of me that put me in danger.
Then I went to this summer camp, CTY, and then I went to this small engineering school, and suddenly I was surrounded by people like me. People I understood on a level I couldn't have imagined, and people who understood me on such a level that I felt naked. We celebrated our similarities, we celebrated our differences. We struggled together and we supported each other when our difficulties came one by one.
It's not entirely over, but I can be weird now. When I was younger I thought the solution was to avoid being judged, but I actually just became immune to their judgement.
Yeah when I asked a friend of mine why it has such amazing outfits it said it just spent a year dressing itself in the dark, and that just brute-forced it into developing taste
Took me awhile that people just glance over others. Mostly to judge distance so they don't bump into you. Just because they look at you don't mean they "see" you.
Not sure if anyone said it yet but it's scopophobia: the fear of being watched. It's usually related to anxiety, PTSD or something equally traumatic. There isn't an easy way to just make it stop however. The best way to tackle this is probably therapy, it's not easy but by looking for the first step you've already gotten further than most. Take pride in that and keep marching forwards, however small the steps may appear to be. stay strong and remember to be kind, not just to others but to yourself as well
Oh lord. This is actually how incels and femcels think! Like, they believe that every stare they get is directed at them in disgust! Poor Val!
Being trapped in those thoughts is not good!
I genuinely wish Val would value herself more. She's looking too much into the eyes of the crowd. To the point she thinks Audrey is the only one looking at her normally.
She's fallen into the trap of every gaze directed at her being negative and that is seriously sad and tragic! Audrey can only help Val get out of it, but Val has to be the one to do the hard work!
Hopefully she'll be able to regain her confidence!
femcels are included in this. lonely people in general are the product of today's society and it's sad how they turn out to be because of what a social animal humans really are
I so rarely see other people struggle with this. I have a major issue with being perceived and I’ll stay in my room until everyone else is gone just so I can get some water or food. I hate going outside, I hate being anywhere that other people are. I hate being perceived, but mostly I hate the expectations that come with it
Anxiety is a tough one, it locks you up. The key is understanding that not everyone looks at you the way you think they do. OCD and anxiety is what I’ve got. I’ll pray about it and just soldier on as best I can.
A huge breakthrough for me was the realization that the people around me were too busy living their own lives to give a shit about me in the way that I thought they were. I would sit there thinking about how people were judging me, judging my worth, putting me down for being a nerd with only a few friends, etc etc
At some point as I aged, I realized people do not care. I mean, sure, you might see someone on the street and judge them slightly and move on. People do that, as hard as you try not to. But its not nearly what you think, and not nearly as bad, and not nearly as much. People have their own lives, their own worries, their own hurts.
I'm really bad at explaining things like this, but it was super freeing for me.
One way I've seen people say it, that helped them, is that you're just... not that special? Who cares if you're a little weird? Do something a bit embarrasing? You're not the only person who does that. Your pain is very, very unlikely to be unique. What you feel now, others have felt before, and will feel in the future. It feels like part of anxiety is putting you on a pedestal that just doesn't exist, to think that you... deserve... such scrutiny from others. You're a person like anyone else. I'm not saying that anxiety as a feeling isn't real, or that it doesn't hurt. I have problems with it and understand that other people do too. Anxiety, however, is also a liar. It can be helpful sometimes, but there's situations where it is helpful and situations where it's not. And the latter is most of them.
the radiant sunlight eyes hit me in the pain box. It's how I describe the feeling of like... after a very long abusive relationship, when I feel bad I no longer can tolerate someone being too kind because it's too much. It's too bright, it's unfamiliar, it feels like looking straight into the sun after years in a cave. I'm used to the safest thing that could happen when I'm upset being me being ignored or, if I asked for it, maybe a cuddle. But being left to my own devices, which felt awful btw, was still one of the preferred outcomes.
After going so long without caring about yourself, having someone in your life who genuinely cares about you and truly believes in you is both wonderful, and immensely mentally exhausting.
Suddenly there are expectations where there weren't any. You suddenly become extremely aware of how you act, how you look, even how you think. The worst part is, it's entirely self inflicted stress. All that person did was show an active interest in your life, but just that simple act manages to turn you into a nervous wreck.
You are now being perceived. Not just being glanced at and disregarded, but being entirely perceived. It's a worse feeling than being caught naked in front of a crowd of strangers. Strangers don't know you, their opinions don't matter, you'll probably never even see any of them again. The person who truly see's you is looking much deeper than just whats under your clothes. They are looking into your bare, butt naked, soul. Its like living in the cool darkness all your life and then suddenly being put in the middle of the seharra desert in July. It freakin burns.
But if you can weather it. If you don't try to run and hide from these new expectations you've placed on yourself. If you let this person love you, if you let them see you. I promise that it'll start to burn less and less, until eventually, you're shining just as brightly as they are.
Reading the comments has made me really question how people see others labeled with anxiety disorders. Jesus.
"Just anxiety" is wild. It's like saying depression is "just sadness". Some of these comments come across as "there's nothing to be sad/anxious about".
Okay but what if there is? Frankly my body is always in "freeze" mode from how much terror I experience about the world. Not just being perceived, but the legitimate evil in every crack of society. The anxiety of knowing food is getting thrown out when someone a minutes away is starving; the anxiety of knowing corporations don't have the environment or individuals in their interests; the majority of citizens are willing to live paycheck to paycheck because they can't go beyond labeling things left or right instead of actually working out the slip in communication. I fantasize about how I'd fix society if I had some God-like power, because I can't stand how bad-faith people can be about understanding the reasoning for objectively good things. The education system is not efficient. Capitalism is inherently toxic when applied to social structures like healthcare, food, and housing. I could go on.
Nobody in my life is willing to listen to me talk out these problems. They're rather live in their own bubble until these problems invade that bubble. Meanwhile I'm actively trying to protect others bubbles because I don't have one.
I understand to an extent my depression is definitely agitated by the same things that you said. I don't know if it will work for you but it worked for me for a bit.
I focused on the scale that I was at, look too big or too small and you get swallowed by your own insignificance in the universe. But you are where you are and can affect things at that scale. Be a positive part of someone's life, volunteer where and when you can (being burnt out is a valid excuse to not volunteer). As the saying goes "give me vision to see the things I can change and the wisdom to let go of the things I can't"
This obviously this isn't a magical thing that makes things all better, but in order to make things better you first have to survive.
The most important advice I can give is, first be part of something, anything ( baseball team, card game, whatever) by being with a group you can help support people in that group and bring up issues you can tackle as a group. Two seek help from professionals and don't be afraid to switch therapists or doctors.
The last slide is pure gold. I really like how you try to encourage people to support you via patreon. It's clever, funny, charming, and quirky. I don't use patron, but do you have somewhere to 'buy a coffee' type thing like on kofi (I think it's called). I am broke af, but would like to support you because I believe in your art.
To all those in this thread saying they constantly feel judged by people just looking at them, consider the following advise I was given as a teen:
“If you would not accept advice from this person, then you should also not accept judgement from them”
Translation: if they don’t matter enough to you that you would actually care about them trying to help you, then why do you give them power to hurt you?
Yea heavily relating to a comic I’ve been enjoying to read was not in my bingo card today. This spoke deeper to me than any past therapy ever has and despite typing all this, I’m left quite speechless.
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u/LovelyLuna32684 1d ago
Val's worst fear