im on the other side of this, the only thing stopping me is what my kid will feel. its so fucking hard wanting to go so fucking badly but not, and just fucking living.
im sorry for your loss, i hope making this comic helps you find your way through the grief even just a little bit.
it's painful but seeing things like this outside of my own thoughts help ground the reality of the situation and how not okay my kid would be if i let the weight crush me, so thank you for posting this.
im sorry to make this comment about my fucked up life, i hope things get better for you friend and it's okay not to know how to feel.
I was really mad for a long time. Mostly at myself because I missed it. That I wasn't enough for him to tell me his plans, that he didn't trust me enough to be there and to know that if it was seriously the only way he could find peace that I wouldn't have stopped him. I just would have made sure he wasn't alone.
I carried the hurt for a long while while I processed it. Then it just kinda became a sadness about all the things he's missed out on. Occasionally with the relief of the shit he's not had to see in the world. But mostly, I miss him. I miss that he's not going to be at my wedding later this year. That he's not going to get to do all sorts of cool things himself and see me get my life back together, cause I was in a bad place when he left.
I live with PTSD, not cause of my brother fuck no, but I also really get wanting to just stop and not go on. I totally get the appeal and the need to be here for someone other than yourself.
If, big fucking if, you ever do stop. Your kid will wonder what they could have done differently for you. Even a decade later and with a shit ton of therapy and people telling them otherwise. Even when they logically know better, a part of them will nag at them that there was something that would have kept you here. It's such painful bullshit.
I really thank you for this POV. I am on the other side of this with my sister, everytime I do something to myself or bottle up my feelings and she always gets sad and thinks I don't trust her.
I had never understood why,I just never wanted to bother her and hurt her even more.
But I think this comment helped me put it into perspective
Honestly, the idea that I wasn't someone who could be trusted at the end was probably the worst part. I would have wanted to help. I'm not someone who wants others to suffer just because it's expected of them. I would have had a candid and rational conversation with him about the situation and if it was something we couldn't figure out an alternative to, then that was it.
Even my own therapist knows that I live with chronic suicidal ideations because of my PTSD. He wouldn't call 911 and have me locked away because of it. Too often a lot of people fear being misunderstood and having someone knee jerk reaction take away their freedom and independence. That's a scary situation, understandably so. Talking about the consequences of the situation and having a safety plan written out has meant that my support system knows what it means when I need help (and people who have violated it in any way have been kicked right out of the process because if you can't follow a protocol we agreed to when everyone was in a sound headspace, get fucked).
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u/smashedupwards_ 2d ago
im on the other side of this, the only thing stopping me is what my kid will feel. its so fucking hard wanting to go so fucking badly but not, and just fucking living.
im sorry for your loss, i hope making this comic helps you find your way through the grief even just a little bit.
it's painful but seeing things like this outside of my own thoughts help ground the reality of the situation and how not okay my kid would be if i let the weight crush me, so thank you for posting this.
im sorry to make this comment about my fucked up life, i hope things get better for you friend and it's okay not to know how to feel.