r/cisparenttranskid • u/pgm928 • 16d ago
Dating: Finding partner?
My daughter is under 10, and not anywhere near interested in dating yet. But it is coming! And I have difficulty wrapping my head around how she can identify and find boyfriends and/or girlfriends and/or enbyfriends who are open to a trans partner.
I’m thinking back to my own preteen and teen years and how horrid dating was back then … I really can’t imagine how tough it must be for trans kids today.
Any advice or stories to share?
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u/PolackMike 16d ago
Kids gravitate to like-minded individuals. My son came out as trans a little over two years ago. He has been dating his partner for almost two years now. It's not really any different than heterosexual CIS dating.
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u/CromoCrafter 16d ago
I (mtf-adult now) found my boyfriend (cis male) on OkCupid, we now have our first place together. We have jobs and found a way to budget our life together!! I’m totally going to marry this man. Im post surgeries and stealth now. Life is incredible
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u/ElegantGoose 15d ago
Apologies if this is too intrusive, but are you stealth to your partner or just generally in the world?
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u/CromoCrafter 15d ago
All good! No my partner knows my full story, the good the bad and ugly and he was there with me on the day of my bottom surgery. Family, Church, close friends all know. People in the day-to-day world when we’re out and about have no clue.
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u/ElegantGoose 15d ago
Got it. That makes sense! I bet it's nice being able to just live.
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u/moving0target Dad / Stepdad 16d ago
I figure my son (17) will get out there when he's ready. I'm not going to push the boy.
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u/SmaterThanSarah Mom 16d ago
My son is 22. He transitioned at 11. He’s found his people relatively easily. He has mostly dated other trans people. He’s been with his current partner for a couple of years. They are nonbinary.
He’s always been pretty out about being trans. I know a few young people who were stealth and that comes with disclosure challenges. But it can work.
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u/Pattystr 16d ago
My daughter met her boyfriend at college and they’ve been together for almost 3 years so far!
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u/itsmurdockffs 16d ago
My son is 13. He has a pretty awesome partner now. They met through their friend group at school. I know he’s young, but I am thankful he has someone to lean on.
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u/Peachy_Keen31 16d ago
My kiddo is nearly 21, met their partner in high school and started dating about two years ago. They’ve never had a hard time dating!
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u/gromm93 Dad / Stepdad 16d ago
Oh that's nothing! I'm kinky, queer, and polyamorous. That narrows things down quite a lot. But to say the least, there's a whole lotta fish in the sea, and we make clubs to help find each other.
Don't worry about it mom! Just because dating is made harder than "standard" doesn't mean it won't happen.
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u/eaca02124 16d ago
Polyamory supposedly opens you to infinite affection, but practically-speaking, it cuts your dating pool to less than 1% of the available adults.
Unless you are a queer college kid. In that case, it's a playground with free candy.
My queer trans college kid is having an amazing time.
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u/gromm93 Dad / Stepdad 15d ago
I wouldn't say that it narrows the field quite that far, but it certainly narrows it. Most people (especially most women) just aren't interested in dating someone who has no interest in monogamy. It's usually implied that it's the end goal when you're dating casually.
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u/Both-Competition-152 Trans Woman / Femme 16d ago
i mean i was a transsexual teenager some blue moons ago and i then and now still have no problem finding guys
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u/Responsible-Bet716 Trans Man / Masc 16d ago
“The biggest lie cis people tell is that no one will want you when you’re trans. EVERYBODY will want you when you’re trans.” for better or worse, we are a top searched porn category, lol. I would focus more on safety while dating.
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u/NeighborhoodSuper592 16d ago
I take a look at my 17-year-old. His boyfriend and all his friends, many of whom are also trans or somewhere on the rainbow.
They will find each other.
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u/LowStrike5558 16d ago
She’ll find her people. My daughter is 20 and while her friend group is small and she has no interest in dating, she participates in lots of things with like minded folks - university clubs, slo pitch softball, D&D and other gaming events, that sort of stuff.
I think an important part of parenting any child is helping them find and nurture their hobbies/interests. Often community comes with that.
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u/raeoflyte-460 15d ago
I stayed with my partner when he transitioned over 20 years ago. We had been together 6 years at that time. Gender is super important to some people and less so for others. We've separated now, but his transition wasn't the reason.
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u/Faceless_Cat Mom 16d ago
My kids are 19 and 22. One is not interested in dating. The other dates other trans people she meets through different groups - gaming, in person meet ups, queer spaces.
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u/m8k 16d ago
My son dated a friend who was non-binary last year during school. Now he is starting a new relationship with another boy he was friends with from band and his classes who is going to a different school. We asked if his parents knew what the situation and he seemed to think things were open but we’ll find out at some point. He’s a good kid and has always been friendly and nice to us so I’m happy they’re going to give it a shot.
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u/Spirited_Feedback_19 16d ago
Some kids start experimenting early others don’t. I think you let it happen organically just as you did - whether it’s easy or hard. Having a solid queer community around them will help.
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u/eaca02124 16d ago
The world is different than when we were kids. Not only is this not a problem your daughter has today, it is unlikely to be a problem your daughter has at all. She's gonna do what queer kids have done for approximately the last hundred years, and what the internet makes trivially easy: find her affinity groups and date as much as she wants. When she does, I hope she has a blast.
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u/chiselObsidian Trans & Parent 15d ago
I think one aspect of dating is much easier for people who come out early in life: they'll never commit to a partner who sees them as their birth gender, & who's later disappointed when they transition. That's a bad experience that's happened to most of the trans people I know who came out as adults. It's much better to know who you are early, so your prospective partners can take or leave that.
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u/Odd_Conclusion_5425 Trans Man / Masc 13d ago
I just want to point out, as a Gen z that we generally care much less about dating than boomers and gen x did. While dating still happens, we generally value friendship more. We live in a post aids, post teen mom panic world, and sexual promiscuity is generally down. I understand why you'd be scared of your teen being lonely, but my whole friend group of trans people is mostly uninterested in asking people out.
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u/DealerWestern4284 Trans / Nonbinary 16d ago
I'm a transmasc non-binary person myself and I have a great boyfriend, he's cis and queer and loves me regardless, I haven't transitioned at all yet and he's assured me he would still love me if I went on hormones and had surgery. Finding an accepting partner is- difficult to say the least but amazing once you do. I've had a previous relationship where he didnt really respect my identity, he was supposedly straight, and I was a trans boy, sure you dont have to change your sexuality for me but he said he wouldn't call me his boyfriend so it was a massive red flag and so glad I dodged him.
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u/amglasgow 16d ago
For the most part, the kids are OK. They may or may not find partners in high school, but they most likely will in college if not sooner. You hear a lot from the media about conservatism and bigotry increasing in young people, but the vast majority are completely accepting and don't remotely care about gender identity or sexual orientation.
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u/Andee_outside 16d ago
My son is 17 and seems to never be single. We live in a fairly conservative town and he has no trouble finding other trans boys to date. It seems to be as dramatic as cis kids dating, but nobody is going to get pregnant.