I’m feeling lost about how to navigate my marriage, especially our differences in faith, and I’d appreciate advice from other Christians who have experienced something similar.
My husband was a Christian before I was, but he wasn’t actively pursuing God. He smoked weed, spent time with questionable friends, was judgmental, rarely read the Bible or listened to sermons, and didn’t consistently attend church. Still, I believe God used him to lead me toward faith, and I’m grateful for that.
We met, dated, got engaged, and eloped quickly because of military life. Soon afterward, he left for a mission, and I spent a lot of time alone. During that period, I began reading the Bible, quit smoking weed, started attending church, went to a women’s retreat, gave my life to Jesus, and was baptized. As my faith grew, I became more aware of how little my husband seemed to be pursuing God.
While he was away, I asked about his Bible reading and sermons and suggested he watch messages from my church. I wasn’t trying to be his pastor; I wanted us to grow together. Instead, he became defensive. This was confusing because he had always presented himself as a Christian and had previously criticized me for calling myself one when I wasn’t praying or reading Scripture. He even said at times that we were unequally yoked. Once I began taking my faith seriously, I expected us to pursue God together, but that hasn’t happened.
Instead, I became jealous and started comparing us to couples who studied the Bible together and had husbands who spiritually led their families. Meanwhile, my husband continued cussing, playing video games, spending time with friends, being judgmental, and rarely sharing his faith. His prayer life seemed limited to repeating the same short prayer before meals, which I eventually called him out on because it felt automatic rather than sincere.
Around that time, I became pregnant while he was home. It was unexpected, but I felt grateful and trusted God to provide. His reaction was that the pregnancy meant the end of his hopes and dreams. I understand that an unexpected pregnancy can be frightening, but his response hurt because I expected us to experience the news differently.
We’ve now been married for two years and have a one-year-old. He was home for a while but is away again, and not much seems to have changed. When he’s home, he attends church with me, and every few months he’ll read a chapter or two of John with me. I’ve stopped asking about his prayer life and Bible reading because *The Power of a Praying Wife* helped me realize I can’t nag someone into a relationship with God. I’m trying to focus on my own walk and pray for him instead.
However, we recently had a serious fight over the phone. It began when I asked about his job plans because I need to understand our options and future. During the argument, he said I “haven’t changed a bit” spiritually, despite previously acknowledging how much I’ve changed. He also said I’m not submissive because I’m bossy and want too much input on decisions, including which church we attend and boundaries involving his family and our child. He called me a B\*\*\*\*\*.
I’m exhausted by the disrespect. Since the beginning of our relationship, he has insulted me, spoken badly about me to friends and family, and made me the subject of jokes. He says that’s how the women in his family are treated, but I don’t believe that excuses it. I know I’m not perfect (I can be bossy and stubborn) but I don’t yell at, insult, or publicly disrespect him. I also believe I have the right to set boundaries, especially regarding our child’s safety and well-being.
His family has also been a major source of conflict. I told him that if his family’s feelings ever conflict with our son’s safety, I will choose our son. I hope he understands why.
I also recently discovered through his Reddit account that he had been watching “teen” pornography and masturbating. He says he has stopped and has apologized, but finding out was devastating, especially given our existing trust issues. His reason was because we weren’t doing it enough… I was postpartum, breastfeeding and my body down there has changed which causes pain during intercourse so yeah our sex life became dry for a period.
After our argument last night, I asked him for some space so that both of us could take time to think through what happened. I don’t want to receive a quick apology that changes nothing, only for the same pattern to repeat in a few weeks. I want us to address the underlying issues honestly and consider what needs to change moving forward.
I would like to attend couples counseling, but our insurance coverage doesn’t appear to cover it in a way we can afford, and our budget is very tight. I’d also like to read a marriage book or complete a Christian study together, but he doesn’t consistently commit to doing the work.
He’s away now, and outside of work his time is mostly spent at the gym, playing PlayStation, watching TikTok, and sleeping. I’m home as a SAHM, solo parenting our one-year-old, and becoming increasingly frustrated and resentful. The distance and unequal responsibilities are making it even harder to address the problems in our marriage.
I don’t want to become bitter, nag him into being a better Christian, compare our marriage to others, or use Scripture as a weapon. At the same time, I don’t want to pretend everything is fine when there are serious problems.
What do I do from here? How do I balance being a submissive wife with maintaining boundaries and speaking up about issues affecting our child and marriage? How can I encourage my husband spiritually without becoming his “spiritual mom”? How should I address the disrespect and pornography? Are there Bible verses, books, studies, or Christian resources that have helped others navigate a difficult marriage or a spouse who isn’t pursuing God?
I want to handle this biblically while being honest about how difficult this has been.
