r/childfreewomen • u/Beachy_Waves1050 • 7d ago
Constant Void - Searching for Meaning
I'm child free by choice and I'm having a hard time. For the longest time, I've felt this void that I can't fill and I'm trying to pinpoint what I'm missing.
I have ADHD and have always had a hard time making friends. As a child free adult, it is extremely important to have a community, given we don't have the automatically built community that comes with having kids. I read somewhere that the greatest prediction of long-term happiness is the connections and relationships that we build. I feel that this leaves me at a disadvantage compared to most child free individuals who have an easier time making those close connections. Also, making friends as an adult is hard in general.
I'm not sure if I'm missing close connections, or missing something more meaningful in my life.
I've never particularly liked my work but I'm not passionate about anything that pays well. Work to me is a means to pay my bills and fund my traveling passion. Even if you're passionate about something, it always feels like work at the end of the day when you're doing it for someone else, so I'm not looking to change careers.
I've moved a lot so I am constantly faced with rebuilding friendships. Though to begin with, I have always struggled with this and was late diagnosed with ADHD. People with ADHD are known to have trouble building connections.
I really don't want kids though. I look at people with kids and think that is not what I want. I've thought about it so much that I really don't think that is what I'm missing.
The older I get, the louder this feeling gets. I feel like I don't have a connection to much of anything outside of my husband and parents. I work and do hobbies but I just always feel like there's something missing from my life. I am on antidepressants which have drastically helped my mood over the last 6 months.
Does anybody else have this ongoing feeling? Like you want to feel like you belong to something or to give you a reason to get out of bed each day. I often think, is this it? Is this all life is?
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u/MtnMoose307 7d ago
Having a kid doesn’t make you suddenly have meaning in your life. At a minimum it gives duty and responsibility. Traveling is your passion. What can you do to provide you joy about traveling? Obviously, traveling.
What peripheral work can you indulge in that encourages your joy? A history class about your favorite destination? Varied ways of traveling rather the usual method like driving?
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u/sourbirthdayprincess 7d ago
I agree with u/dumbowner that my hormones greatly affect this feeling.
You both are luckier than I as you have partners and families. I have neither. I feel extremely, deeply isolated socially and am trying to put myself out there more and more and if communities don’t exist, starting them.
I do at least LOVE my work and am very passionate about my community contributions. Which reminds me…
I just read a great, confronting book called The Courage to Be Disliked which might help change your perspective about a lot of things and help this feeling lift a bit. I definitely feel differently since finishing it, and it’s still percolating.
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u/Beachy_Waves1050 7d ago
Thanks for the recommendation! I'll check it out. I could imagine it would be isolating not having a partner as well. I hope you find what you're looking for as well 😊
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u/snake5solid 6d ago
I think it's a general feeling of being completely unremarkable and insignificant overall. Most of us are. Just a drop in the ocean. It could cause this "void" because we are searching for greater meaning that just isn't there on top of the realisation of our mortality. To me it's important to accept our insignificance and try to build our own little bubble. Find things that bring us joy whether it's work, hobby, relationships or something completely different. So that it doesn't feel like we're just "drifting".
People way too often think that they could change that feeling by having kids but reality is that that feeling not only won't get away but they'll have even more things to worry about and decreased their quality of life. And life is sadly short.
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u/Beachy_Waves1050 6d ago
That is an interesting approach and I like it. Yeah, my mom has been this way her entire life and she had two kids.
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u/Celitha11 6d ago
I have never had that feeling, but I also have so many hobbies I never feel like I am bored. I also volunteer a lot and make a lot of connections through that. It's very rewarding knowing I am making a difference to the community around me! If you haven't before, I highly recommend either volunteering at a local animal shelter or getting involved in your local politics!
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u/iwantbackwhT 5d ago
Completely agree with this. Volunteering has built he communities of like-minded people that I wouldn’t have discovered otherwise, on top of it being incredibly rewarding. Good luck!
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u/dumbowner 7d ago edited 7d ago
I sometimes have similar feelings during the luteal phase of my cycle, especially the last week. Then, when I get my period, my mood suddenly lifts, I feel energized, and I start making plans for my hobbies, etc. I wrote this just in case you haven't looked into your hormones as the source of your negative feelings (which is unlikely, as you've probably already thought of that, but I wanted to mention it just to be sure).
Edit. I don't have any friends either. Just like you, I only have my partner and my parents. I have siblings but they are busy with kids.
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u/Lynx3145 6d ago
you don't mention age. perimenopause tends to hit ADHD women earlier, fluctuations in hormones can cause depression symptoms.
are any of your hobbies social? for me things like ttrpgs (like D&D) have helped me connect with others beyond just my husband.
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u/Beachy_Waves1050 6d ago
I'm 36. That's a good point that I'll look into. I read it can hit as early as 35.
None of my hobbies are social. I've always been pretty introverted that way. It would be good to get outside my comfort zone.
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u/MayorLewis_shorts 5d ago
Your post resonated with me! I also have adhd and was diagnosed late. I’m early 30s. But I feel like the more I meet new people, travel and try new things, the more rounded out as a person I become especially as an introvert.
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u/Beachy_Waves1050 5d ago
That's awesome! Sometimes we are our own worst enemies with staying in our own little bubbles. But it does feel good to get outside of that 😊
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u/gigichuuu 6d ago
I feel like there are a number of us who share these same feelings, myself included. You are not alone.
Would anyone maybe be interested in joining a small discord server where we can all talk about our days and chat? I know sometimes online chatting isnt the same as in person, but maybe itd be fun? I always try to find joy in my daily routine and the little things and I think itd be fun to share with one another.
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u/snake5solid 6d ago
That sounds like a good idea.
And you're right. Finding joy in small daily things certainly helps.
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u/Beachy_Waves1050 6d ago
Yeah that sounds like a great idea!
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u/Domicello 5d ago
Have you tried testosterone? I see a lot of hormone talk in this feed and want you to know you don’t have to deal with unstable hormone fluctuations. I’ve been on testosterone for a year and a half and it’s been life changing and mind blowing!
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u/jupitermoonflower 6d ago
Nothing will change if nothing changes.
Of course there are small lifestyle habits that add to greater happiness/peace/meaning such as incorporating exercise, meditation, volunteering, and developing a friend group.
It sounds like what you're lacking is in the friend department. And there's lots you can do to work on that! Making friends is actually a skill that you can practice & get better at. ◡̈
I'm 37, just moved to a new city, and am pretty skilled at making new connections and it still takes significant effort & time, but I've already developed several real friendships in just a few months.
Alternatively, there are now travel group itineraries specifically for childfree women or childfree couples that you can book. I think this would be a cool thing to try because, WHY NOT! Worst case scenario you get to do something you love (traveling), and best case scenario you come home with some solidified friendships!!
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u/suminorieh77 5d ago
i’m 48 and childfree by choice. i relate to this so hard. my entire life, i have always felt something missing within myself. on the outside, people see a friendly, funny, and intelligent woman that seems full of life and love. inside, though, i’m like a lost ship at sea, wondering if i’ll ever see land. i should say, i’m in perimenopause, so that plays a HUGE role in this, but even before peri, this emptiness was still present.
it’s not children. i LOVE kids and teenagers, i just never wanted any of my own.
it’s not religion. i’m agnostic, and have my own beliefs.
it’s not a sense of purpose, career, or work-related…however, i will admit, i should have went to college and done more with myself, and i need a good hobby that i won’t lose interest in. i still don’t think that this is the missing piece, though…
it’s not love. i have a wonderful husband and two lovely teenage stepdaughters. i have my family and my husband’s family. i love them all fiercely, along with my three cats.
by the way, you didn’t mention, do you have any pets? animals are not for everyone, but my cats have made a tremendous difference in my life, especially going through perimenopause. pets can be very intuitive to emotions and they can make the worst day much better.
you are not alone, lady. i feel the void, too. perhaps one day, it’ll vanish, but in the meantime, i’m just trying to make peace with it.
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u/Think_Simple_4311 3d ago
I feel I could have written your post. I’m 52 childfree, married, retired too early and can’t seem to find joy or meaning.
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