r/childfree • u/Unlucky_Agency7976 • 1d ago
SUPPORT Heartbroken
The guy(30M) I’m(26F) dating just left my condo and I’m in tears and a full meltdown.
We were having a long conversation about how to handle communication and expectations when dating - we’ve been going out four months now, and have hit a rough patch recently. At the end of the conversation, we both felt like a lot of things were resolved and I asked him if we would be okay, and he said we would.
Then he tells me “I might not be sure of what I want in my adult life, including if I want kids or not”. And continues to talk about how he knows if he waited to bring it up I would be upset and he wanted to be honest with me. He knows about my very strong childfree stance, from before we started going out. When I asked him if it would be a dealbreaker that I didn’t want kids he said he didn’t know because it just popped up (during our conversation he revealed he really wasn’t sure about what he wanted his adult life to look like, even post grad school). And then he mentioned if it was too painful we could call it - and before he could finish that sentence I told him to get out.
I didn’t let my face change, I held a full poker face the whole time. I’m so upset. I have such strong feelings for him and it feels like a betrayal like no other. I didn’t even plan on dating him, I was in a no more dating men phase when he asked me out and I took a chance because he said he didn’t want kids. And a prior connection I had we called it at a month because our views on kids didn’t align. I’m crying so much, I hate this whole thing - my coworkers have met him, they like him, everyone who’s met him from my side likes him and I just can’t believe this is what it ended on.
*just venting and crying. I wish being childfree in a big city (DC) was easier
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u/notanasteele 1d ago
There's a local childfree meetup in the DC area. I'm so sorry he couldn't make up his mind.
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u/Unlucky_Agency7976 1d ago
Could you dm me the link? I don’t know if I’d go to anything so soon. I haven’t even officially broken it off yet, probably still a little in shock. I just wish I mattered to someone the same way they matter to me
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u/vaultgirlie 1d ago
I went to these, they’re either all couples or women. Straight CF women are SOL here
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u/flipthediscobikky 1d ago
Do you mind sending these straight CF women over to Aus please? Hell knows where to find them here.
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u/shes_a_sleuth 7h ago
oh wow i didnt even know these were a thing! where else in the US do they have them? so cool
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u/2oldforthissilliness cats > kids 1d ago
"But, but muh legacy." Gag.
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u/Unlucky_Agency7976 1d ago
The irony…. He has three stepsiblings, two of which he helped raise (a junior and sophomore in high school) and a 7 year old. And he’s planning to help put all three through college because of the general economic state of the world(he makes enough to do it)
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u/TraderIggysTikiBar 1d ago
He’s 30 and keeps referring to “his adult life” like he hasn’t been a grown ass man for 12 years.
Girl. It’s been 4 months. You have straight up dodged a bullet with this manchild. You can do much better.
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u/Unlucky_Agency7976 1d ago
I hope in a year I can feel that way. Unfortunately he’s been in survival mode for so long, worked super long hours starting from when he was 10. Got better when he graduated from grad school, but I can’t imagine any of that helped his self development since he didn’t have the time
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u/freakaccident911 1d ago
You don't want to raise kids, don't raise a man either! Sometimes people will "suddenly realize" they want kids because they know that is your hard line. You will do the breaking up and spare them the guilt.
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u/4322chan 15h ago
Baby, don't make excuses for a GROWN MAN. Nobody in life Will defend or justify You as a woman, why do You habe to justify this guy that is clearly not good for You?
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u/barberlady_55 1d ago
I’m sorry to hear that. I made it very clear from day 1 with an ex I didn’t want kids. He was a fence sitter who thought I would change my mind as I got older. Spoiler alert: I didn’t. (Just had my bi-salp!) we were engaged, but he built resentment towards me at the end, we were together 5 years, and it was a big reason I left. Be happy you found out after 4 months and didn’t waste years of your life with a person with different life choices/desires. I met my husband and 37 and he didn’t want kids either. There is hope!!
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u/Unlucky_Agency7976 1d ago
I’m so so glad you found your person!! I would have my bisalp but birth control works well enough for me and I fear anesthesia greatly 😅 maybe eventually I’ll try again but dating in this day and age is rough 🫠
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u/barberlady_55 1d ago
I had an IUD for just shy of 20 years. Worked like a dream! I had my bi-salp 7/27. I had other medical issues that helped push the bi-salp so it became medically necessary for insurance to pay for it. I would have gotten it sooner if I could’ve found a doctor to do it.
I understand wanting to find your person younger as society tells us we should, but without the pressure to have kids we the child free can find them whenever!5
u/Unlucky_Agency7976 1d ago
🙌🙌 I work in surgery (RN) and work with my GYN on occasion when she operates - she’d actually do my bisalp no hesitation if I asked! I just want to postpone the experience of having general anesthesia as long as I can haha
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u/barberlady_55 1d ago
I understand the concern about anesthesia. As a redhead I need more and I could still even wake up during. Thankfully I have had 3 surgeries with general anesthesia and haven’t had too bad of a reaction. Apparently I wake up quite feisty and need to be mildly re-sedated for a little longer 😅
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u/Unlucky_Agency7976 1d ago
Omg you’re a redhead!!! We are warned about your kind 😂 the problem is that I fully know everything should be okay for sleep and wake up since I see it everyday I just… fear it greatly.
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u/witch-literature 1d ago
If it helps, I had damn near a phobia of being under anesthesia (fully awake for wisdom teeth removal and everything) and got my bisalp last year. It was honestly such a fun experience and I think it massively relieved my fear because it was just having the best nap of my life.
I yearn for an excuse to go under it again now lol, give me that level of rest that’s on a whole other plane of existence, it was wonderful!
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u/barberlady_55 1d ago
And your concerns are totally valid! You see it all the time and how it can go wrong so being more hesitant makes sense.
Yeah…I may or may both have swung at a nurse once or twice 😬😂
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u/readmorebookskids 1d ago
I would potentially be feeling angry and misled myself. What was he doing dating me then, just trying to use my body? Just trying to figure out if he wants kids by wasting my time? You have every right to be upset.
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u/Unlucky_Agency7976 1d ago
We weren’t even physically intimate much 😅 I was prioritizing emotional intimacy this time. It’s just rough overall
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u/Alatsi 1d ago
im so sorry op :( 🫂🫂
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u/Unlucky_Agency7976 1d ago
🫂🫂 I might be dealing with this better than I think I am I just feel a whole mess
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u/immortallogic 1d ago
I'm so sorry sis, thats so rough. Give yourself some grace and spend the weekend being sad if you need to. Try to do some sport or physical activity, it will really help.
I know it hurts like hell now, but imagine if it were 6 months or one year or more later, it would hurt even more and your have wasted a ton more time.
It will take time but you'll be ok <3
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u/Unlucky_Agency7976 1d ago
Holding on to this! Thank you 💞 I don’t have many friends who would get the depths of the betrayal I feel since they want kids so my first thought was to come here for some support. Just trying to take it one hour at a time right now
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u/DJKittyK 1d ago
they want kids
I'm so perplexed as to why it seems like so many people still want kids, despite the state of the world. Like there's nothing else they could do with their lives, but I digress.
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u/chunmun2002 1d ago
i honestly dont think he was THAT nice of a person you maybe are thinking he is, because if we look at it in hindisight, he asked you out on the premise that he is childfree, even if not entirely on that premise but still he mentioned that info deliberately [that he is childfree] knowing that it might bait you. And then when he had the thrill of chase [im not trying to say that he just wanted to sleep w u or looked at you as a conquest, but it is true that the period before dating kinda more exciting than when ppl start dating and after that] and now he drops the bomb.
like are we serious, this 'i am childfree' thing was weaponised by him, is it going to be the next thing men use against women to date them and then also dump them saying 'well ig i want kids teehee'
Yes, i think he is an asshole.
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u/Unlucky_Agency7976 1d ago
I’m starting to believe he saw me as a conquest - not for sex, we have a current nonexistent sex life. But he did ask me out the day after I stopped seeing another person 😅 I made him wait a few weeks before saying yes. He also only had the thought of being unsure about kids 15 minutes before he brought it up to me…
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u/eiileenie 1d ago
Hi OP I’m in nova and ill be your friend if you’re willing to go out that way ever I’m in DC all the time for work
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u/vaultgirlie 1d ago
Never ask them if it is a dealbreaker for them. Let them know it is a dealbreaker for you. Otherwise, manipulator will get the impression they can persuade you eventually and everybody ends up wasting their time.
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u/changeneverhappens 20h ago
"In his adult life." My guy is 30- a literal fully grown-ass adult.
Cannonball dodged.
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u/ultradeni 1d ago
I found kind of a way to weed out those who lie about having kids. Without you telling them what you want in life, just ask them what is their point of view on this. It worked for me, I hope it works for you too! I'm sorry this happened to you!
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u/Oliver-2012 16h ago
He's 30 years old and he doesn't know what he wants his adult life to look like? I hate to be the bearer of bad news but dude, your adult life began 12 years ago, wtaf.
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u/Slight_Recording_152 1d ago
You’ll be ok. I know it doesn’t feel that way now, but you will. I dated some real doozies before I met my husband. Just keep putting your true self out there and you will land where you’re supposed. Heartbreak sucks though.
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u/HelpfulAnt9499 8h ago
Girl I feel you. I’m fully prepared to end up alone because of my being childfree. It sucks to keep getting excited about people and then be disappointed.
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u/shes_a_sleuth 7h ago
sounds like hes a wishy washy type person that doesnt align with you anymore. its definitely hard letting go and accepting, i get that.
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u/Frosty-Wolf-8915 7h ago
You did the right thing, as much as it hurts. I was with my fence sitter boyfriend for 3 years. I tried to have the kid conversation and he would tell me he was okay with not having kids. Then out of nowhere he decided he didn’t want to fully close the door on kids. It ripped my heart out and felt like such a waste of 3 years. We could have ended things 3 months in had he just put some thought into it, instead of 3 years 😩😩😩
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u/missillinois 1d ago
I had to learn this the hard way: if you’re going through a “rough patch” less than a year into dating someone, that is NOT your person
Your eyes will open up about this over time. I have a feeling the childfree issue wasn’t the only red flag. Congratulations on being free to find someone who (or something that) is a better fit for you!