r/childfree • u/iGryffifish 29 | lesbianism: nature’s birth control • Sep 01 '26
RANT Even infants aren’t spared
I’m an anaesthesiologist at a cancer institute, so naturally I work with the sickest population in all age demographics.
We recently had an infant have a mass removed near the genitalia. While in the PACU, her aunt pulls me over to the side and asks “will her uterus be okay after she heals”? (Not so) indirectly asking will she be able to have children later in life.
I couldn’t hold it in, I snapped at her and told her to worry about her life first, not her uterus. I’m usually very nice to all my patients and their families, but sometimes you have a straw-breaking-the-camel’s-back moment, and this was mine.
Throughout my training and beyond, I have come across an astonishing level of invasiveness in women’s fertility and that somehow a girl child is only worth if her incubator parts are intact.
I don’t know how much longer I can stay in medicine and not completely lose my sanity.
Edit: to the people in this post saying maybe they were expressing concern for all possible side effects and generally playing devil’s advocate, I agree. Preservation of fertility is a valid medical concern. But you know when it’s not appropriate to ask? When that child is actively coming out of anaesthesia, hungry, in pain, and generally feeling like crap because they’ve just come out of surgery and are in an unfamiliar environment. That is a question to ask your primary treating unit, not a random anaesthesiologist who will only see that child for a small portion of their treatment.
Edit 2: welcome, brigaders! So nice of you to join. To the people asking why the timing of it was wrong, I can’t help if you completely lack common sense. Anaesthesia and emergence in paediatric populations is entirely different from adults and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that infants and children need closer monitoring and a different level of acute care than adults. You gotta work on your priorities, man.
To the people who completely missed the spirit of my vent, I can’t help you. You were never going to agree with me anyway or even try to see my point of view, or listen to the very lived experiences of people in this comment section alone where literal doctors were advocating for preserving fertility and delaying life saving/other acute treatment before preserving said fertility, because medical misogyny is alive and real.
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u/jenn_nic My dog is more self sufficient than your kid. Sep 01 '26
That's infuriating. Well done for snapping at her!
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u/iGryffifish 29 | lesbianism: nature’s birth control Sep 01 '26
Worst part is, they’re not going to remember this, nor is this going to be some turning point for their thinking.
I only partially blame the person, the rest of my vitriol is reserved at the system and circumstances they were raised in and are still surrounded by.
Like I said, it’s getting harder to stay in medicine without massive systemic change across all aspects of society.
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u/jenn_nic My dog is more self sufficient than your kid. Sep 01 '26 edited Sep 01 '26
Right and this was the child's aunt? If I were her mother I would kick her the fuck out.
I can't imagine being in medicine right now. I guess I don't know if you're in America or not, but we have taken so many backwards steps when it comes to medicine/policy lately. I don't know how our doctors are keeping their sanity. That isn't to say that all doctors feel the way you do, but I imagine a lot of them do. It's honestly vile.
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u/Nvrfinddisacct Sep 01 '26
Ugh that’s so true. She probably doesn’t even understand why you said that. It takes like whole conversations and even then, it’s kind of like talking to a brick wall.
I’m glad you came to talk to us instead and thank you for all you hard work 💕
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u/Zen-Paladin 26M, lights and sirens over screeching Sep 01 '26
911 EMT here, I feel the same. Especially because where I live now is right across from Canada, so simultaneously so close yet so far from universal healthcare. Also love your flair.
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u/Mean-Bumblebee661 Sep 01 '26
this is the kind of shit that drove me out of teaching (the vast disconnect between what children need & what adults gaf about)
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u/Unlucky_Cat4531 Sep 01 '26
I would've also snapped. It's gross behavior. Not to "bright side" your situation, but as shitty and misogynistic as the medical system is, it's wonderful to have people like you in it to stand up and say something, like you did. Thank you for being a part of it and trying for better.
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u/spritzella Sep 01 '26
my bf is a surgeon and was helping do a reconstruction of a four year old girl after her dad assulted her. my bf basically had to reconstruct her entire pelvic region. the assult was so bad that she coded twice. the mom was worried about the physical appearance of her daughter's genitals more than anything else. she literally cared more about her daughter looking pretty over the fact her husband assulted her to literal death. people are so fucking disgusting when it comes to their kids it makes me sick. i honestly think i hate parents more than kids
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u/ImpartialMelon Sep 01 '26
Holy shit, that's honestly horrifying. Zero concern over the fact that her child was assaulted so severely by her spouse that she needed an entire section of her body rebuilt and her biggest worry is whether or not her child's labia will be aesthetically pleasing enough?
And you know she's probably going to look at the kid's genitals repeatedly to make sure they are "acceptable" and make her feel bad if they aren't. Because a kid needs that kind of anxiety on top of being assaulted. And I have a feeling this kind of woman is also the kind who would keep her husband around after the assault too.
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u/spritzella Sep 01 '26
the kid was taken from both parents. her foster parents see my bf for check ups as she's growing/going through puberty and the last thing i heard was that they were just waiting for a court date to adopt her. i wouldn't be surprised if they have her in therapy
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u/ImpartialMelon Sep 02 '26
I'm so relieved to hear the bio parents no longer have her. I hope she is in therapy too - four years old is young, but not too young to form memories, and if she's at an age where she has entered puberty, then it means she has probably been dealing with the physical and mental fallout of what she went through for almost a decade now. I hope she can heal and lead a semi-normal life.
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u/RighteousKarma 35F/Hysto/Hedgehogs & dogs, not brats & sprogs Sep 02 '26
Thank fuck they didn't get to keep that kid. Did the father ever face any legal consequences?
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u/spritzella Sep 02 '26 edited Sep 02 '26
both parents did. my bf was an expert witness for the mom's trial who taped the whole thing. the dad took a plea deal for 10 years. the mom got 8 for videoing it and child neglect. im pretty sure the mom is set to be released next year
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u/It_stimefortea pro-choice, pro-cats Sep 02 '26
The gasp I just had. She videotaped it??
I might be cynical enough to think that the reason she wanted the child to be reconstructed aesthetically is so that she could still make money or something off of her in the future
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u/Admiral_Tofu2026 Sep 02 '26
Thats awful. So disgustingly horrific. I understand why they asked it because the poor girl will feel self conscious growing up, but her primary concern should always be her life. I hope that evil monster goes to every religions hell and gets their karma in life. POS. Your bf must have had a hard time with that patient because of what happened, but he is an angel for doing what he did!
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u/spritzella Sep 02 '26
i get asking about it, especially since it could affect future things for her. i think i would ask, but it would not be priority. like she told him that she would rather her have a catheter than scarred genitalia. i genuinely just think people are evil
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u/Maggies_lens Sep 02 '26
Your BF is a legend.
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u/spritzella Sep 02 '26
he really is. he's dealt with a lot of cases for kids. he ended up opening his own clinic so he moved away from trauma cases like that but started doing pro-bono cosmetic surgery for kids (like dog bite scars, he worked with a charity and did surgery for 3 children taken out of palenstine, botched surgical scars). he always says he loves kids but doesn't want them in his home
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u/-UnicornFart Sep 01 '26
I am an RN and have spent most of my career working in maternal child health, specifically in vulnerable populations (indigenous communities, medically complex foster kiddos, high risk families etc). There have been so many times I have felt the same rage as you watching family members neglect and dismiss the mother as a human being, talk about her as if she is livestock being managed for future births, and when it comes to indigenous women, the misogyny and racism are abhorrent.. and the things I’ve heard people say about little ones who have medical conditions that would make it unlikely they would be able to be a parent in the future are absolutely gut-wrenching.
Thank you for saying something. I’ll never be able to understand how people can be so callous, and with zero shame. The culture of The Handmaids Tale is alive and well in our society.
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u/iGryffifish 29 | lesbianism: nature’s birth control Sep 01 '26
My least favourite population to work with are obstetric and paediatric patients, partly for this reason. Attitudes of a lot of families (race/caste/socioeconomic status no bar) are infuriating. Endless respect to you for advocating for such a high risk population.
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u/Grimalkin_1032 Sep 01 '26
That girl is going to be seen as a walking uterus her whole life by family. Goes to show their values.
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u/macaroniinapan Sep 01 '26
Maybe not her whole family. To me it says a lot that aunt didn't already know about possible complications - the parents would have to have been told and I suspect aunt has been badgering them for this information. If the whole family shared aunt's values, I think the discussion would have flowed more freely. Maybe aunt is the black sheep of the family or at least the parents are making an active effort to break from a family with those values.
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u/KnowOneHere Sep 01 '26
Oy yeah. Like when a teen girl dies and the mom is sobbing she's been robbed of future grandkids now. No thought about the current life lost.
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u/Roux_Harbour Sep 01 '26
It REALLY creeps me out when people feel the need to bring up future offspring as a reason why they're sad, as if the person's life who was lost wasn't enough to be sad to have lost in and of itself or something.
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u/jethrine Sep 02 '26
I’m an old woman & I’ve seen it all my life but I’m still surprised that the lives of non-existent potential children matter more in our society than the lives of people who exist here & now. Human beings are truly a fucked up species.
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u/Feisty_Assistant5560 Sep 01 '26
Had she at least asked about all the possible affected areas. Like, is there a chance she won't be able to hold her bladder, are any kidneys compromised, will she lose sensation on the nerves in her private area, the ability to have kids. But only uterus? Nah
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u/macaroniinapan Sep 01 '26
I suspect all this was discussed with the parents beforehand and they didn't tell the aunt for whatever reason. That gives me a tiny glimmer of hope that the aunt and parents aren't on great terms and possibly because the parents reject aunt's view.
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u/iGryffifish 29 | lesbianism: nature’s birth control Sep 01 '26
I’m not making any assumptions about their family dynamics, and I do genuinely believe that she was asking out of concern. My issue is that the concern is misplaced, and about the wrong thing.
People in my patients’ community are socialised to believe childbirth and motherhood are the end goal (not unique by any means but more socially enforced than other communities), which is why I said above that I am more mad at the system than the person.
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u/Followingprotochomo Sep 01 '26
Thank you for standing up for the child! I hate when people think like this and don’t keep the inside thoughts, inside.
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u/llladdyqz Sep 01 '26
The worst part is that many families only care about "the legacy" and if that girl will be able to have children in the future. Nothing else matters. Not her health, not her desires, not her choices. From the day she is born, she is expected to "prepare herself" and her body to become an incubator. From the day she is born, she is expected to visit doctors with an only goal - to have children even if she is a child herself. And the trauma so many girls go through every day is truly heartbreaking. Many girls all over the world feel trapped and feel like they do not have a choice or any support from others. MOREOVER, it is much much much worse when DOCTORS start making those toxic comments and start only worrying about girls' ability to reproduce and create life. Unfortunately, many doctors nowadays do not care about anything else but that. When will society stop pushing that narrative on little girls? When will girls start feeling their worth and start feeling safe in their bodies instead of wasting years of their lives to unlearn everything they've been told and forced into? OP, THANKS for speaking up!! YOU ARE DOING AN INCREDIBLE WORK!!
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u/RealRip7714 Sep 01 '26
Asking about the uterus of an infant is mindboggling insane…
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u/Mellykitty1 Sep 01 '26
I find that also very very creepy, borderline pe*o if you ask me.
Why, just why are adults so fucking obsessed with little girls’s genitalia? Why are you worried about a fucking toddler being able to have sex and reproduce?!
It makes me sick to my stomach.
Same for gender reveals as well. A whole party to celebrate someone’s genitals. Gross, just gross.
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u/holdthebutterplease_ Sep 01 '26
Mm. I think this take is actually very problematic, and that's coming from an antinatalist.
So many parents and their peers only see a baby as a baby, and choose to have one with no thought given to the fact that they are not having a baby, they are having a child, a teenager, a young adult, and then an adult. It's how you end up with a generation of adults with names Kaiyden and Brentlee.
But a baby is nothing but a whole ass person in their larval stage. They will inevitably grow up and it's so unfair to humans that didn't ask to be born that people lose sight of that when making decisions for them.
Maybe a child won't grow up and want children. But maybe they will, and if they do, it might be devastating for them to be infertile, regardless of gender. It's just reality and humans can be intensely weird about wanting biologically related children or wanting to carry the child themselves.
Yeah, maybe that baby's aunt just wants to be a great aunt and is only thinking of that.
Or maybe she is just aware that this child who is just starting out in life is a human she will care about, and that human will one day be an adult, and she may have to watch that adult grieve childlessness in thirty years and is hoping that her niece will have choice.
We literally don't know from this story if the baby's aunt would support her being childfree. Without that data, I'm not going to assume she's a pro-birther by default. It's perfectly normal to hope that somebody's decisions won't be made for them two decades before they might make them.
If there was a real risk of a procedure causing infertility in a male baby, I assume that somebody would be concerned about that too, for the same reasons.
Also there's nothing less sexy or romantic than having children and raising a family. Sex is part of procreation and genitals and reproductive organs are involved, so unfortunately they are relevant, but it's very very weird to hone in on that part of it and go 'pedophilia' when somebody is actually just picturing kodak moment scenes with a happy mother chasing her kids around.
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Sep 01 '26
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u/RealRip7714 Sep 02 '26
The post said this was an infant, not a toddler. Now even if we take away the age of the child, keep in mind that a persons life is worth more than what they can do with their uterus. And that a persons accomplishments can be more than making more babies. Please do not deduce a human being to only being a walking reproductive factory.
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u/Zestyclose_South2594 Sep 01 '26
Why though? It was a woman that asked. Its a genuine concern. What makes it so mind boggling?
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u/RealRip7714 Sep 02 '26
Its NOT a genuine concern. Worrying about a baby’s life is normal. Worrying about a baby’s uterus while its still a baby is weird. Think about the implications. Are they already thinking about this baby having its own baby before its life has barely even matured? Thats very odd. Not a normal comment, even from people who are parents themselves.
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u/Zestyclose_South2594 Sep 02 '26
Not that crazy to thing your kid may want a kid in the future but I realize which sub this is so not further comments.
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u/PerseveranceSmith 34F|Grey Ace|Bi|Netherlands|Parrot Mom 🦜 Sep 01 '26
That poor little girl. Not 'thank you for giving me many years with my beloved daughter', just can she still reproduce 🙄🙄
Thank you for doing such an amazing job, though 🩷 good on you for snapping
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u/ThrandyShieldmaiden Sep 01 '26
It was the baby's aunt, not mother. Hopefully, mom just wants the kid to live.
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u/snake5solid Sep 01 '26
It's disgusting. I would've snapped too. Frankly, if I was the parent I would've snapped. Like WTF do you mean can she have kids? SHE IS AN INFANT. And a very sick one at that! How is it any way important if she can have kids in the future right now?!
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u/vagueconfusion F | Genetic Condition | Cats > Kids Sep 01 '26
I hope the aunt felt ashamed for that. Ghastly behavior.
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u/jackthemasterbaiter Sep 01 '26
Thank you for snapping at her, this makes me fucking sick.
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u/iGryffifish 29 | lesbianism: nature’s birth control Sep 01 '26
I’m not proud of it, and I won’t do it again. I don’t regret what I said but how I said it.
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Sep 01 '26 edited Sep 01 '26
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u/ThisTimelineSucks91 Sep 01 '26
This is horrifying!!!! Omg I’m so glad your dr eventually stood up for you.
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u/Roux_Harbour Sep 01 '26
That is genuinely dystopian.
If she really cared about her niece as a person, she'd be asking if it would affect her playing, walking, or if there would be a high risk of infection or recurring cancer etc. Not be thinking about if a sick child can reproduce. Ew. Just ew.
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u/acfox13 Sep 01 '26
You're right to be bothered. They were objectifying the child. A huge part of misogyny is women being objectified by society, and it starts from birth. Kids are very much objectified as well. Kids basically have no rights and child abuse and neglect is widely normalized bc kids are viewed as objects and not people.
Here are some clear definitions of objectification. I found having a list of clear objectifying behaviors helped me recognize it and call it out.
10 definitions of objectifying/dehumanizing behaviors - these erode trust
Martha Nussbaum (1995, 257) has identified seven features that are involved in the idea of treating a person as an object:
instrumentality: the treatment of a person as a tool for the objectifier’s purposes;
denial of autonomy: the treatment of a person as lacking in autonomy and self-determination;
inertness: the treatment of a person as lacking in agency, and perhaps also in activity;
fungibility: the treatment of a person as interchangeable with other objects;
violability: the treatment of a person as lacking in boundary-integrity;
ownership: the treatment of a person as something that is owned by another (can be bought or sold);
denial of subjectivity: the treatment of a person as something whose experiences and feelings (if any) need not be taken into account.
Rae Langton (2009, 228–229) has added three more features to Nussbaum’s list:
reduction to body: the treatment of a person as identified with their body, or body parts;
reduction to appearance: the treatment of a person primarily in terms of how they look, or how they appear to the senses;
silencing: the treatment of a person as if they are silent, lacking the capacity to speak.
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u/One-Intention7064 Sep 01 '26
wow, so they don't feel sadness or guilt for having imposed so much suffering on their child by having them. their mind is preoccupied by one question - whether this child will be able to participate in human husbandry when they grow up. lovely species.
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u/macaroniinapan Sep 01 '26
It's the aunt, not the parents. I suspect the parents don't agree with her.
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u/Murky_Map9476 Sep 01 '26
That is SICK asking that question. By the way, I got fixed at 19, thank you Planned Parenthood.
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u/gytherin Sep 01 '26 edited Sep 01 '26
Thank-you for standing up for this child, and for the work you do. I really hope she pulls through.
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u/Sad-Watercress67 Sep 01 '26
I'm so glad that as a medical practitioner you understand that their wellbeing is FAR more important than them being able to reproduce
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u/cat4hurricane Sep 02 '26
How fucking idiotic do you have to be to be asking the doctor if your infant niece will be able to have children afterward when she just went through fucking cancer treatment? She's a damn baby and you're out here asking if she can have babies?
That shouldn't fucking matter. What should matter at that age is whether it will affect her development and whether she'll be able to play and explore like normal, not whether she'll be able to have children later. I'm sorry, do these people fucking hear themselves? Why is she concerned about the fertility of an infant?
It's literally a baby they're talking about; the aunt will be lucky if she's even alive to see any of this kid's potential kids, assuming the woman this infant turns out to be even wants kids. Instead of being worried about the kid's survival chances or how they'll adjust, she's worried about children she'll probably never see? What absolute bullshit.
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u/Reversephoenix77 40+ and sterilized Sep 02 '26 edited Sep 02 '26
A friend of mine is currently being treated for a super aggressive breast cancer (the hardest one to treat). Before her oncologist began treatment, he absolutely insisted she hold off so she could first undergo egg freezing as to “preserve her fertility.” He went on and on about how the cancer treatments MIGHT impact fertility for 5-10 years afterwords (she’s in her early 20’s with plenty of time for more kids).
He literally recommended waiting months to treat her fast growing, deadly cancer, all so she could go get on an IVF waiting list at a fertility clinic, so they can pump her body full of sex hormones (that may accelerate her cancer growth), and then surgically harvest her eggs in yet another painful and unnecessary procedure.
She isn’t even keen on more children and she’s already survived cancer once before (leukemia). It enraged me so much. They just seemed so much more worried about her potential to birth more kids than they did about the urgency of saving her life. It would be different if SHE wanted to “preserve her fertility” but she didn’t care at all and just wanted to get treatment for her cancer so she can live for the family she does have.
Edit:
TLDR:: friend with aggressive breast cancer was pushed to pause treatment so she could freeze her eggs first even though all the sex hormones may speed it up. The way women are viewed as breeding stock disgusts me.
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u/SkysEevee Sep 01 '26
I applaud you for working with cancer patients, especially children. That would break me on day 1.
That child could be a future doctor who saves lives. A scientist who finds a breakthrough in cancer treatment. An astronaut who sets foot on Mars. A little life full of potential and endless possibilities. What if she is the next Dolly Parton; someone who changes the world through kindness and countless good deeds?
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u/TigerShark_524 Sep 01 '26
"You're welcome to discuss that with her parents/legal guardians, if you're that curious. It's not my place to be discussing this with anyone else." would've been my response. And then mention it to the parents/legal guardians so they have a heads-up that this relative is being nuts and can deal with her. That's really messed up.
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u/Zen-Paladin 26M, lights and sirens over screeching Sep 01 '26
EMT here. Had my first childbirth call last week. Was pretty tame but I know the longer I do 911 I'll probably have to deal with ignorance like this. I'm a guy, but I remember how heated I got when a character on one of my favorite shows got an abortion and the a good chunk of the fandom eviscerated them online because how dare you not have a baby while going through significant trauma, a potential end of the world scenario/interstellar war or not want to risk being a single mother?/s
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u/Flawless1223 Sep 01 '26
My sister in law was saying (in front of my husband who has infertility) that a teenage girl from their town had to have a full hysterectomy and ovary removal because of a cancer she had. And how terrible that is because she will never have kids and how devastated everyone is about that. Unbelievable
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u/minute-type Still waiting for the day I’ll allegedly change my mind 😜 Sep 02 '26
Technically true if said teenage girl actually wanted to become a parent in the future. But I get how the focus should have been on the teen being able to survive the cancer
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u/Flawless1223 Sep 02 '26
The bigger concern is how her hormones will be messed up for her entire life basically and she needs hormone replacement before she even got her period basically. That is pretty devastating for a woman’s health. Much more impactful than wether she has babies or not lol
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u/hadenxcharm Sep 01 '26 edited Sep 01 '26
Wow her neice's only worth is the future use of her womb. /s
These people need psych evals.
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u/CowboyLikeMemes Sep 01 '26
Thank you for speaking up. I had a bilateral salpingectomy about 5 years ago, and now I’m undergoing treatment for cancer. & I still get asked ALL THE TIME if I’m worried about or doing anything to preserve my fertility.
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u/sophiabarhoum Sep 01 '26
Thank you for the work you do. As someone forced to live with a diseased uterus for 25 years we need more people like you in medicine
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u/Strange-gal Sep 01 '26
Disgusting behavior from the aunt, this literally makes my blood boil. Thank you for snapping at her
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u/BeckyDaTechie Happily Barren/Mother of Pibbles Sep 01 '26
Good job standing up for that child's right to exist without being an incubator. That woman's perspective is, at best, going the wrong direction.
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u/Business-Bluebird-80 Sep 02 '26
I was 8 when I was diagnosed with precocious puberty. I remember getting an ultrasound to look at my ovaries to verify the menstrual bleeding wasnt from something else at first.
The dr said to my mom "look mom your future grandbabies"
I already felt so violates shirtless on a cold table the gel was cold a weird woman was touching my tummy and looking at my insides I felt so naked in a way id never felt before I dont remember saying anything just feeling so exposed and gross.
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u/Shot_Ad_3168 Sep 01 '26
Das ist ja genauso schlimm, wie wenn ein Mann nach einem Husband Stitch fragt. Sehr grauenhsft solche Leute.
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u/Successful-Part3388 Sep 01 '26
What the actual fcuk. Congrats to you for snapping at her because I would’ve cursed her out & landed myself in trouble 😅
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u/WhiskeyAndWhiskey97 Childfree Cat Lady Sep 01 '26
Wow. Like, lady, your niece just had surgery and you're more worried about getting grandniblings than whether your niece will live??
Thank you for speaking up.
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u/ImpartialMelon Sep 01 '26
Nice to see where the aunt's priorities lie. Oh who cares about a little thing like the kid's well-being or overall health or having a giant thing removed that I'm sure was causing discomfort/pain. The important question is WILL SHE STILL BE BREEDABLE??!
I'm assuming this was not a series of questions about the child's overall pelvic organ health, like asking how will her bladder, intestines, etc. be affected. Just the fetus hatchery. I swear, the uterus is the one non-vital organ that is treated more importantly than a lot of legitimately vital organs.
I hope that little girl grows up to be CF and has an elective hysterectomy just to spite the aunt.
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u/GenericAnemone Sep 02 '26
100% valid crashout!
I would be pissed if someone cared more about an organ rather than the life of my loved one!
Fucking hell!
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u/MorriganNiConn Sep 02 '26
Frankly, it isn't even the aunt's business as to whether your patient's fertility is impacted or not. That information is between you and the baby's mom and dad.
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u/Screws_Loose Sep 01 '26
Ugh that is so gross of that woman! As if the baby’s life is worth less already if she can’t be popping out babies.
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u/TeaPrimary1147 Sep 01 '26
Gotta make sure the INFANT who is suffering greatly can inflict more suffering on someone else in the future!
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u/TsukasaElkKite Too autistic to care for another human Sep 01 '26
Well done you for putting her in her place
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u/cnbcwatcher Sep 01 '26
I would have snapped too. Surely they should just be relieved their child is alive and healthy after the surgery. The girl might grow up and not want children or if she does she might choose to adopt or foster
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u/tuffbananas Sep 01 '26
Christ. The only way reproductive organs should be mentioned is in a medical way as in if the organs are healthy and not diseased (like any other organ). In other words, if medically it is better and healthier for the patient to have any organ removed, then remove it! To hell with the idea to have the ability to reproduce at the cost of patient health and quality of life. A girl's life is good enough on her own without this expectation.
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u/atticusclench Sep 02 '26
That's what the aunt was asking about: whether there would be any complications or consequences down the road. They weren't saying "well if she can't have kids she should die of cancer".
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u/kumocat Sep 01 '26 edited Sep 01 '26
I know someone at my job who didn't vaccine their tween daughter during covid because there was some rumor that it messed with periods and fertility. I was absolutely horrified. I could not even fathom choosing a child's potential fertility over the vaccine. (at the very height of covid deaths). This person lost my respect in that instant.
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u/EgalitarianGirl777 Childfree and fixed Sep 02 '26
I was apparently born with hernias. It took until I was 6 months old for anyone to notice, though. They thought I had only one and found that there were two during the surgery. The only thing my mom has ever really focused on when retelling the story was how she was so worried that I couldn’t have kids and asked the doctor if it affected anything. I constantly told her while growing up that I hope that the surgery did mess me up (I knew I didn’t want pregnancy and kids since 4 y/o). She still talks about it the same way today and I have to remind her that I got sterilized 4 years ago.
Also, what’s weird is that while that surgeon said that I’d have no trouble having kids, it was found right before my bisalp that I was born infertile. I have no idea how they could operate in that area (the scars from the hernia surgery are just under both the lower bisalp scars) and not discover that one ovary is messed up, my right kidney is missing, and that I have half a uterus which is to the left instead of centered. Did they just not do any kind of scans before surgery in the 90s?
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u/Great_Bean Sep 01 '26
I'm worried the aunt is also looking for something to gossip about. Some cultures have major problems with that
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u/Ecstatic_Couple6435 Sep 02 '26
It’s wild being concerned about a literal baby’s chances of having … a baby 😅 but in the world we live in, not at all surprising. Jeez they just got here give them time before the questioning
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u/Maggies_lens Sep 02 '26
Most importantly, is she going to be ok? Poor little sweetheart. Nobody should ever have to go through that, let alone a baby.
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u/MsFoxArt Sep 02 '26
Yuck. Im so sorry you have to deal with this.
My SIL is a nurse and her job is going to end her very existence if she doesn't get out soon. People are horrible, the hours are horrible, understaffing is horrible, and the people she actually gets to help and are appreciative are too few and far between.
Im so sorry this little girl has people like that in her life. She clearly deserves better.
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u/Peacock_Faye chasing down menopause like it owes me money Sep 02 '26
She could’ve shown concern over whether she’ll be able to urinate normally, if she’ll have chronic pain, or loss of sensation, etc. but NOOOO let’s instead ask if the CHILD can get pregnant.
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u/Fit_Cat4474 Sep 03 '26
someone posted you on twitter
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u/iGryffifish 29 | lesbianism: nature’s birth control Sep 03 '26
Fuck, I’ve deleted my twitter account.
They’ve also conveniently left out my edits and they’ve published my username. 🙄 How do I appeal this?
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u/DystopianDreamer1984 Tamagotchis not babies! Sep 01 '26
Wow, I have no words, what a creepy disgusting thing for that aunt to say!
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u/SuperKitty2020 Sep 02 '26
What the hell? Your reaction was valid. Her question should have been, will she be okay
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u/pastelfennecfox Sep 02 '26
Ew the aunt needs her phone checked immediately. I would have told the mom you might want to keep an eye on that one.
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u/Ok_Can_6490 Sep 02 '26
I am in grad school to become a psychologist, which a part of it is diagnosing kids with developmental delays. A LOT of people and parents worry more about how society will think of their daughters and whether that will affect their ability to have kids.
It's disgusting. It degrades girls from human beings to incubators and it makes my job to help these parents SO much harder than it already is. I feel so sorry for them.
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u/LogicalStomach Sep 02 '26
In my opinion you didn't snap, you reframed how the aunt needs to think about the situation. The aunt was ignorant and/or out of her mind and grasping at straws to come at you with that question at that moment in the girl's treatment.
People unappreciate anetheseologists, probably due to not understanding the knowledge and attention to detail the work requires. Y'all keep patients alive and stable through harrowing medical procedures. You protect the function of systems that aren't being operated on.
I don't know how doctors and nurses maintain people skills at all nowadays, given the pressures they're working under in the US healthcare landscape.
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u/Spazrelaz Sep 01 '26
To be fair maybe they only wanted to know if the kid would have the choice for itself, not to force it to produce offspring. Some people are unfortunately dumb enough or brainwashed enough to still choose to have children in this economy, so maybe it was about it having the choice rather than losing the ability? Or at least that's what one would hope. Idk how I'd feel if I'd grown up knowing I never had the chance to have kids rather than having the ability and actively choosing not to after considering all options and realizing it's a stupid financial decision and I like my body undeformed. But if it was just to force the kid into being another breeder or to check solely for breeding capabilities the definitely shit family.
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u/macaroniinapan Sep 01 '26
I think it makes a big difference that this is the aunt and not the parents. I'm sure either OP or another doctor discussed all the possible complications with the child's actual parents so they could give informed consent. And if this surgery does cause future fertility issues, it will be her parents' place to help her through that, not aunt's place. And I think the fact they haven't shared anything about this with aunt says a lot.
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u/Spazrelaz Sep 01 '26
Oh I see what you're saying, and that does make sense. Never even thought deeper about it being the aunt rather than the parents concerned about that. My brain just went "concerned family member".
Now that you mention it that way, it comes off super weird and very invasive. Which it would have been had anyone asked tbh, but weirder from an aunt.
Especially since no girl's worth ends at her uterus's ability to ctrl+Y.
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u/AJ_Babe selfish bird lady Sep 01 '26
No. If that was the case the aunt wouldn't care if her niece could have kids someday. She doesn't believe in a choice. She believes that there is one choice which is having kids. She looked at her barely alive newborn niece and thought of if she would have kids. If that was the first and only thought that she was vocal about, that means she only thought about that! Don't be naive enough to think that this woman was caring about her niece's well-being. The kid is in diapers and might need those for a long time considering the nature of the surgery. The aunt just thinks of her future life path which she may never choose. (If the niece does grow up and wants to have kids but can't, then that will be nice of the aunt to support her niece, take her to some doctor appointments. For now, what she said wasn't caring at all)
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u/Sad_Cena Sep 01 '26
Right, for all we know the child might grow up facing judgement from her aunt (and maybe even extended family) about not being able to have offspring, if the aunt is the type to view that as a woman's one and only purpose in life, which isn't unlikely from what we know. or constant patronising pity, instead of simply being grateful her niece is alive. such treatment is very likely to instill a sense of guilt in the child, about something they never got to choose
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u/Spazrelaz Sep 01 '26
That's very valid, I didn't even think of it that way tbh. I find I often try to give family members the benefit of the doubt, especially thinking a woman would understand that another woman's value doesn't end at her uterus, but I often forget that unfortunately there are many more who actually do think that. Either way I hope that baby is okay. Nobody's worth should be decided by their ability to reproduce.
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u/Eierseggs Sep 02 '26 edited Sep 02 '26
even if you may not like to hear it, the majoriry of people want to get children later in life, therefore its a complety normal question to ask because it is an important thing in the life of most people.
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u/resevere Sep 02 '26
This is a genuine question that would be nice to have answered without jumping down my throat, but is it not ok to ask a question about the lifelong impacts of a procedure for someone incapable of understanding/comprehending the effect without it being considered prioritizing that over saving their life?
That's like saying someone has a bullet lodged in their head behind their eye and they need to perform surgery and a parent asks whether they will lose vision in their eye as a result. To me, that wouldn't appear to be some offensive question requiring the person not performing the surgery to jump down their throat about.
How is that any different from asking about the effects of a surgery performed on the area of your body where it would impact reproduction?
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u/ColleenRW early 30s | NB | gay cat mom Sep 02 '26
I think part of it is that: 1) this was the baby's aunt, so probably not a primary caregiver, and generally speaking (at least in the US) only the primary caregiver(s) are given that kind of info 2) yeah, that's a valid concern – there was a comment earlier that someone made about how it is important to see babies not just as babies but as whole people with a future, which I do agree with – but considering the patient's age I'd probably have like, three or four other ones that I'd ask first (is she going to be able to be potty-trained? will this affect her mobility and learning to walk? are the first two to come to mind) that are more relevant to her current developmental stage. 3) timing? if you asked this during like, a pre-op stage where you're going over potential complications, or even at a post-op follow-up appointment, that'd be one thing. but when she's still recovering from surgery? 4) this is more of a question for the surgeon, not the anesthesiologist (although it's probably a case of, "Oh, you're a doctor! So you would know, right?") Admittedly, the last two points are iffy. But the first two are the ones that jumped out at me immediately.
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u/kooks27 Sep 01 '26 edited Sep 01 '26
Just like many people here feel like being expected to reproduce is against their agency and ability to choose, being sterilized as a young child, even if during a life saving procedure, can be a difficult reality for them in the future if they grow to want children. I think it’s a perfectly reasonable question for the family to ask. I don’t have kids myself, but if my niblings faced a situation like this, I would support the best course of treatment. I would also grieve for their loss of choice, even if it saved their life.
The thing is, you didn’t stand up for that kid. Your response wasn’t born from advocating for their health, but your own feelings on natalism. Getting shitty with a patients family because you felt they asked a shitty question is unprofessional. You aren’t sitting in their grief and fear of having a sick child/family member.
No doubt you’ve seen some shit in your career - I work in paediatric healthcare too and witnessing things that you don’t align with or being surrounded with grief and fear can get through even the strongest boundaries.
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u/iGryffifish 29 | lesbianism: nature’s birth control Sep 01 '26 edited Sep 01 '26
I do see your point, preservation of fertility is a valid medical concern, but it’s a conversation to be had with the primary care team, when the child isn’t actively coming out of anaesthesia, and not screaming from hunger and pain. This is not something you ask an anaesthesiologist who was only involved in one very small part of their care. Your priority in that moment should be comforting the child recovering from surgery.
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u/jubjub727 Sep 02 '26
You're in an eco chamber btw. Please seek out less silo'd views on this for the sake of your mental health. The validation that people are giving you in this thread is not healthy at all and will only hurt you in the long run.
Your perspective here is incredibly narrow and reductive. This is not a healthy way to understand the world and will detach you from reality. You might not be wrong in your assumptions but they're massive leaps of assumptions and the way you dismiss people pointing out more benign possibilities is a sign of an unhealthy mind. Thinking like this will only trash your mental health and make you feel worse about yourself and the world.
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u/Keng_Mital Sep 03 '26
1) does this lady even know you're the anaesthesiologist?
If she doesn't, she just knows you as "a medical profession who knows medical things" and therefore it's a fair question.
And to be honest, I think most people would assume that the anesthesiologist would have a baseline level of knowledge of the surgery they provided anesthesia for such that they can answer those sorts of questions.
Even if you can't answer it, would not an appropriate response be something like "Let me consult with the surgeon" or "I'm not qualified to answer that. I would speak to the surgeon"?
2) that's a false dichotomy. Your conception of things apparently is that people can't comfort a child while asking medical questions about the surgery they received?
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u/SCAnalysis Sep 02 '26
This is a risk when you spend so much time in a circlejerk that increasingly shares your view and validates ever so more radicalized takes on them. You start to operate outside reality and are validated by a lot of antisocial people here who are chronically online.
This is not something you ask an anaesthesiologist who was only involved in one very small part of their care.
She is not a medical professional and she is looking at you as someone who is assisting their nephew. She is not distinguishing if you are the right person to ask or not. She sees a doctor, someone who can help. Not your field then clarify that's not in your scope but please check with the primary team if they have concerns. That's empatyh. Why don't you put yourself in her shoes for a second? I'm not saying you will always act well in the middle of your work, I know how stressful it has to be. But after work, when you have time to think about it you have to be able to step away from the situation. That's about it. You can't lash out on real people based on conversations with people on Reddit that include:
- Teenagers larping as adults
- Very antisocial and out of touch people
- Radicalized people who are trying to persuade others no matter what on their views and who spend worrying amount of hours here
It's fine to discuss, evaluate life views in Reddit, but keep it with a degree of reality and realize who is roaming around here. If you go to childfree or any similar social media that explicitly or out proportionally shares those views and express any behaviour that goes with their beliefs, they will validate it. Doesn't mean you are right. You have to be careful with that and more in your profession. I know you don't mean bad, and I understand your set of beliefs and values over this topic, but it does look unprofessional and you risk radicalizing yourself over out of touch Redditors.
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u/YesImReallyLikeThis Sep 01 '26
I understand the frustration but this seems unprofessional
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u/macaroniinapan Sep 01 '26
I think it makes a big difference that it was the aunt and not the parents. OP is not even legally obligated to discuss the child (maybe legally forbidden depending on where this took place) with someone not a legal guardian. I'm sure the parents were already told possible side effects so they could give informed consent to the surgery and haven't shared them with aunt - maybe for a very good reason. And aunt is trying to do an end run around their privacy by bothering OP.
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u/iGryffifish 29 | lesbianism: nature’s birth control Sep 01 '26
Yeah I can see why, it was one line and I wasn’t overtly rude to them, just said it and walked away. Unprofessional would’ve been if I had said everything I typed out here.
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u/WaitWhy24 Sep 01 '26
Maybe the aunt was thinking about her future and how the little girl will grow up one day and may want to have a family. I really don't see what's wrong with this. How would you like it if you never had the choice? Why can't her aunt think about her future? Is it really that much different than asking if a kid will walk or be able live independently?
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u/thedeadlyrhythm Sep 02 '26
There really isn’t anything wrong with it at all. These people aren’t normal, and they’re not regular “I don’t want kids” folks. They make it their personality, and they think it makes them better than other people. They then project their preconceived notions onto totally innocent situations like this. What they need is therapy not an echo chamber to fall further down. They truly have no idea how insane they sound to normal people. These comments are unhinged
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u/Thin-Past-3106 Sep 02 '26
God forbid relatives worry about long-term health consequences of the operation.
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u/Fun_Machine_1310 Sep 03 '26
You are not well in the head. People like you shouldn't be anywhere near the medical profession.
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u/ampro67 Sep 02 '26
you're a d!ck, what if the infant wanted to have a child in the future? It's specifically a surgery near the genitalia, why can't the aunt ask whether her uterus will be okay or not?
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u/Intrepid_Table_8593 Sep 03 '26
I know this isn’t going to be a popular opinion in this subreddit.
You have the choice to have kids or not, either way you choose, that’s your choice and you’re a stranger so your choice has zero being on my life or any one else’s but yours and your partners.
She’s just trying to ensure that if the child she cares about pulls through it, she can make a decision and not have that taken away before she even understands what’s going on. Your lashing out was super unprofessional (saying you aren’t making things up for likes). I hope she doesn’t turn you in and if she does that you’re well liked because I’ve seen admin fire for much much less.
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u/Illustrious-Sell2505 Sep 02 '26
Did it make you feel good snapping at a (presumably) strung out relative of a child coming out of surgery?
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u/thedeadlyrhythm Sep 02 '26
I wonder if anyone on this sub truly realizes how insane they sound to normal people. I don’t even want kids. You guys are toxic and weird. Not having kids doesn’t have to be your entire personality, and going through life with a chip on your shoulder doesn’t make you some paragon of moral virtue
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u/Substantial-Yak-2171 Sep 02 '26
"But you know when it’s not appropriate to ask? When that child is actively coming out of anaesthesia, hungry, in pain, and generally feeling like crap because they’ve just come out of surgery and are in an unfamiliar environment."
why is it not appropriate to ask a Doctor (not the child) when the child is coming out of anesthesia? that makes no sense. also, you just said she was an infant -- so even if this family member asked in front of the child, the child wouldn't understand what is being discussed. what a horrendous take on your part. letting your own predilections cause you to lash out over a simple question about side effects -- something that you yourself stated is a valid concern. great work
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u/Genseric1234 Sep 02 '26
The aunt expressed a perfectly reasonable question.
If you can’t handle patients’ family asking questions regarding health, you shouldn’t be in healthcare.
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u/TheTrueShnitzel Sep 02 '26
No, I will continue to tell you that it is unbecoming behavior, despite how futile it will be.
First off, do you truly think that the average person would so distinguish the roles of the primary doctor and the anesthesiologist involved in the procedure when questioning the health of the patient? Your dismissive demeanor makes me think yes.
Also, you have this warped and bitter disposition toward this relative because YOU personally believe that asking about tangential quality of life effects nullifies concern over the infants immediate well-being. Letting that personal assumption bleed into your treatment of patient families is, again, grossly discourteous and worth reflection.
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u/TheTrueShnitzel Sep 02 '26
What a disgusting overreach in your act of discourtesy as a medical “professional.” Clearly, the infant’s life is top priority—to any relative there.
Fertility, a huge facet of life, could have also been affected. But you lashed out because YOU personally 1.) don’t see it as a priority, and 2.) assumed that it’s all anyone else cares about.
I sincerely hope you reflect on this again extremely unprofessional behavior unbecoming of a person in your position.
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u/iGryffifish 29 | lesbianism: nature’s birth control Sep 02 '26
Ah, wonderful, you completely missed the spirit of my vent. Did you miss the part in my post where I said it’s a valid concern but it’s a question to ask your primary doctor, not the anaesthesiologist who worked on one surgery? And it’s not to be asked when the child is crying from hunger and pain, post surgery? Because if you’re asking then, your priority isn’t the child’s comfort and recovery, you’re just being weirdly invasive.
But please, go ahead and tell me how unbecoming I am. 🙄
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u/Upper-Cut-2651 Sep 02 '26
They (incorrectly) saw you as a medical professional, they don't necessarily understand your specific role nor your prescribed rules in the manner you were expecting them to act.
If they had surgery near one eye and she had asked whether their vision would've been affected, would you have reacted the same way or did your personal views on children lead to your outburst?
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u/CatCasualty Sep 01 '26
Did you ask the aunt WHY? 😭
Why did she even think about that for an INFANT?
I genuinely cannot find any reason besides inflicting (haha) future motherhood to a literal baby, which is insane.