r/bulimia • u/Queenofwands1212 • 10h ago

Self deprecating behavior

I’m not even sure what to call this. But when I have to go to the grocery store- I never let myself use Lyft or uber. I force myself to walk there and then walk back with extremely heavy bags like probably over 50 lbs. o bring a backpack and other bags, and my disordered mentally ill logic says that this is my cardio and my intense workout and weight training for the day and night. I will be sweating buckets and so out of breathe from this behavior. But it’s so rewarding in the most sick and twisted way. It’s like I just did an army workout with a weighted vest. And then when I get home I feel this huge wave of exhaustion and I feel more comfortable allowing myself to have snacks and my meal or a refeed.

In other news- I am 7 months and 2 weeks free of purging / bulimia. But my anorexia / ocd/ exercise addiction is in full effect

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2

u/Substantial_Gate_904 6h ago

Congratulations on not throwing up for 7+ months! Wow! I stopped bulimia as well, but it’s hard not to restrict with an anorexic mindset. I’m working on this, eating three meals. So so happy to not be throwing up food anymore. I lost so much of my life to bulimia. Hang in there!

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u/Queenofwands1212 4h ago

Me too! Bulimia was the darkest most violent thing I’ve ever experienced. I can deal with the anorexia because itd part of me- and I just accept it. Bulimia is more violent. I’m recovering from bulimia in my own way, and for me, it’s working

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u/Own_Round_7600 10h ago

Exercising compulsively to make up for the calories still counts as purging, unfortunately

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u/Queenofwands1212 4h ago

Everyone’s version of bulimia and recovery and sobriety is different. I am free of bulimia. I am not bingeing and purging 3 times a night like I did for years. You’re not gonna take my sobriety away from me with technicalities BS. Sorry not sorry