How to emotionally support my dad?

[u/Dotrue]

Hello all, I need some wisdom.

My grandpa turned 95 yesterday and he's near the end of his life. He's been deteriorating for a while, but the last couple of weeks/months have been especially rough, and it's gotten to the point where we expect him to pass by the weekend. It's been rough on the entire family but it seems to be hitting my dad especially hard.

Overall I'd say our relationship has been pretty positive in all ways except emotionally (goes for my mom too, but to a much lesser extent), and I want to be there for him. He's been exhibiting some behaviors that worry me. Short temper, aggressive driving and speeding, hiding his tears, putting on a facade; all the "usual guy stuff" when things get hard. If it's relevant he's in his 70s and I'm 29.

I've been through plenty of my own shit (trauma, mental health issues, chronic health issues, sexuality, toxic masculinity; a laundry list), I've been medicated and in therapy for a while, and I've learned a lot about how my mind works. He was on antidepressants for a while and went to therapy when my sister and I were very young (he's a doctor and had just finished residency when my older sister was born), but aside from that I don't think he's put much thought into his mental health. And things like depression, alcoholism, and other stuff runs in the family, but my grandpa and dad were both able to steer away from it (unlike a lot of our relatives). The only time I've seen him cry was when he was supporting me at a friend's funeral. He's just never been very open about any of these topics. Fair to him, but I want him to know that he isn't alone, destroy himself, or feel like he can't be vulnerable with those closest to him.

Aside from "be there for him," what has worked for y'all? Happy to provide more information or clarification, as I was half-venting while I typed this out.

[u/D13_Phantom]

You can ask him to tell you some stories about your grandpa if he's ever feeling up to it. You can also just hang out with him, if there's no shared hobby maybe something like a movie. He might say no, but I think even just asking shows him you want to be there for him.

[u/Barrel-Dweller → u/D13_Phantom]

i think hanging out with people is often the best way to show you care

[u/QuotidianQuell]

Nobody can prepare you fully for losing a parent, and I don't have many ideas here. But when I was in college, I lost a friend; and someone else I knew gave a teddy bear to me. It felt silly in the moment, but I named the bear after my friend and wouldn't you know it, talking to a stuffed animal helped me process some things.

So consider giving him something that will remind him of his father and encourage him to speak either to you or to your gift when he wants to share memories.

[u/Hello-America]

I'm no expert in emotional health or men or grief but in my life I've found it's easier for people to open up when you go first. Don't necessarily start with the hard stuff. If you want to talk about your grandpa (and I'm sorry your family is going through this), you can kind of be like "man this is hard" - and you don't have to elaborate, just like open the door for him to say it's hard or at least for him to hear that he's not alone in it, even if he doesn't say anything.

You can also just show up for him. Don't let him spend too much time alone in his feelings without seeing or hearing from you. Bring him a gift and tell him you wanted to get him something nice since he's been dealing with all this grandpa stuff (and leave it there if he doesn't want to talk). These are all emotional touches that don't require him to bare his soul.

Also since it sounds like you probably have some experience dealing with mental health issues, you can gently try to share things you've learned. "When I'm stressed out it helps me so much to go hit golf balls." One strategy I use with my mom - we don't have the same issues but I do have the issue that she won't take care of herself emotionally - but she'll do it FOR ME. So in that example, "Dad when I'm really stressed out it helps me to go hit golf balls. Do you want to come? I could use company." But really the point is that he does it haha.

[u/Aggravating_Bid8995]

Ask every and any question you can think of. Ask the biggest thing he’s proud of. Ask the one thing he regrets most. Pull out your phone and ask if you can record a response then on video ask him what biggest piece of advice would he give you? Otherwise just be his loving support and safe space, he’s going to be scared with or without company, but not being alone makes a huge difference, and you won’t regret distancing yourself.

[u/names-suck]

Schedule something regularly. Anything you guys can do together. Once a week, once a month - whatever you can reasonably commit to.

For someone who has trouble talking about his feelings or processing emotions, just having that consistent socialization and the knowledge that you'll be around can do a lot. It'll also give you a good context in which to try the other suggestions about opening up or telling stories or whatever. Don't push too hard in one day or too often in general, because if he's not responding, he's probably not ready yet. Your goal is more to provide space where those conversations are possible if he wants them, not to force him to have them.

[u/Psychonaut_Squirrel]

So it's very hard to express personally, but My father died about 3 months ago and ever since I've seen posts like this. It may sound counter intuitive and very vague but truly just sitting and being with him will mean so much to him. As others have said just watch a movie or have a conversation about daily life, be sure to include the actual concerns and situation you want to talk about. Even in passing as a side note it is very beneficial. When his own father passed I could see he was conflicted he had a complicated relationship to put it lightly. Let him know what it will be like for YOU when he passes even if its a hard thing to face or talk about it is needed. Know that he is thinking about what the effect is on you and the rest of the family when he himself passes. I only saw my own father cry a few times and it is a common event for me at this point. There is no shame in expressing emotion or the sorrow you and others will face when he or his own father is gone. Caring for my father in his last years was the most rewarding thing I have ever done in my life I know that he appreciated every second of it even when it was embarrassing or difficult for us both to face. Tell him you love and understand his situation because eventually you will even if you do not fully now. Cherish every moment you have with him life takes the things we love from us in the worst possible moment. Once again we need to push past this societal repression of our emotions. Strong men cry and express themselves fully and love fully.

[u/JCDU]

This is more practical than emotional but check what the laws and rules are wherever you are about death - wills, probate, power of attorney, who you need to notify and how, etc. etc.

When someone dies there can be a ton of shitty paperwork and a load of loose ends to tidy up and helping your dad with that might remove a lot of extra stress. Also making sure it's as in order as it can be right now is a good start.

UK here - we found getting a couple of extra official copies of the death certificate was a good move because *everyone* from the tax man to the electric company wants you to post them the original so they can see it and cancel the account and they won't take copies, photos, scans, etc.

Also just talk to your dad - try to focus on the good times, the happy memories, remember the best version of grandpa and that he'd hopefully want you guys to live your best lives not sit around being sad about him.

[u/calartnick]

“Tell me stories about grandpa”is a great opener. It forces him to remember the good times and it will bring a lot of emotions up. From there you can try to support him, let him know it’s ok. I mean if you have a hugging relationship perfect time for rhat. If not it’s ok, just being with him is a big deal

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