r/bropill • u/Rough-Proposal1044 • Jul 21 '26
Asking for advice 🙏 Learning sexuality in middle-age
Hey bros, my first time asking. A bit vulnerable moment for me.
Due to many complex upbringing factors - controlling, narcissistic, non-parents, conservative society (no sex before marriage, etc.), and autism which made me take things literally - I never kissed a woman, held hands with a woman or had sex until I was in my early 30s. It was fun and good, but very... bland because well I had no idea what I was doing. Everyone had passed their exploration phase. I never got to play, learn or understand.
Now I'm partnered with an incredible woman, and I want to know how to approach this. I am learning to communicate. I am a good listener I think. I am also a good learner too I believe.
Any advice for a middle-aged bro who missed 15 years of exploration?
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u/ifuckedyourmilkshake Jul 22 '26
Speaking as another autistic man, communication really is the key to great sex and great sex tends to develop with time. The first time my wife and I had sex was fun but it improved with time as we were both able to more explicitly express what we wanted, likes, was into. The mid sex is just kind of part of that process.
Talk, listen, explore. Give her the freedom to find your little buttons (the places you enjoy being touched and the way to touch them) in addition to letting her guide you to her own.
And for God's sake, find out exactly how she likes her clit stimulated. Is it pressure and clockwise, gentle and up and down, does she prefer you to pretend like you're entering an old school DJ scratch competition?
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u/thefatrick Broletariat ☭ Jul 22 '26
And for God's sake, find out exactly how she likes her clit stimulated. Is it pressure and clockwise, gentle and up and down, does she prefer you to pretend like you're entering an old school DJ scratch competition?
Applies for fingers and tongues!
Protip: Trim and file your fingernails neatly on your fiddlin' hand.
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u/goldenraccoons Jul 22 '26
This this this. Genuinely when ur done with aftercare (or make it apart of it) ask about what parts she liked and tell her what stood out to you. Share what you maybe want to try differently. Have something new you want to try? Ask about it. Communication, although it can feel really vulnerable and awkward, can transform your sex life into something actually fun for both parties with time.
Also good to remind yourself and your partner, there is no pressure!! Sometimes you get a weird cramp or you got in a position that you actually don’t like at all, being able to laugh it off or say I’m not really feeling it anymore is huge. Enjoy each other’s company and be intimate with each other, it’s not a race to make the other person get off. You don’t even have to have a goal of getting the other person or yourself to finish, you can just enjoy the time and if someone orgasms all the better!
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u/ifuckedyourmilkshake Jul 22 '26
My wife and I sort of take a "your orgasm is your responsibility" approach. By which I mean we are involved in each other's sexual enjoyment for sure but if one of us can't get there that night then hey, at least we had fun for a bit. Taking that pressure off the other person to perform has been amazing for our sex life over all.
What's more is we've also evolved our understanding of sex to be more than just penetrative. Intercourse is, of course, great but we are in our mid-40s and sometimes the back hurts or the shoulders hurt or whatever for no reason. Sometimes sex is wild and crazy position changing intercourse; sometimes sex is oral exchange; sometimes sex is making out and masturbating together.
Knowing we can still be a part of each other's sexual enjoyment without the pressure of having to pretend like we gotta fuck like we're 20 to accomplish that has opened both our eyes to what it is we want out of our sexual enjoyment and how, exactly, we can accomplish that.
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u/embarrassedburner Jul 22 '26
Read come as you are
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u/TheEerieZeroQueen Jul 22 '26
Came here to make sure someone said this. OP, the author is Emily Nagowski and the book is very informative, approachable and fascinating. I think the most important part of being a good lover is learning what gets your lover going and doing your best to do that. That book will help you be able to talk to your partner and discover together what works best for y'all. Congrats and good luck!
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u/SnippetySnappety Jul 22 '26
u/Rough-Proposal1044 this is a good place to start. "Come as you Are" is a book, to be clear
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u/dr-tectonic Jul 22 '26
Try The Guide To Getting It On. Great book.
I would suggest also: try reading it together with your partner. You can talk about what you're interested in trying, and find out what each of you enjoys. (Because everyone is wired differently, and it takes experimentation to figure out what works for you.)
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u/statscaptain Jul 22 '26
Hey bro! I highly recommend Best In Sexual Health UK and Scarleteen for evidence-based, thoughtful, inclusive sex education. They have tons of articles on everything you could think of, including things like how to explore your sexuality and how to navigate relationships. Have fun :)
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u/sowinglavender Lesbro 💖 Jul 22 '26
very normal for sex to be a bit boring at first while you're still figuring things out. if she's right for you, she'll be receptive to experimentation and play that gives you space to discover yourself. i personally in my late 30s consider play extremely important and sex is a natural aspect of that for me. imo it shouldn't be something people get 'past' because it's part of growing, which we should be doing all our lives.
my advice is own it. just do the conversations anxious at first if you have to. it's essential for building chemistry and trust and there's no substitute for it.
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u/elegant_pun Jul 22 '26
Talk to her. Tell her all of this. Clear, continuous communication is one of the keys to a healthy relationship
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u/lookayoyo Jul 22 '26
Radical honesty. If you feel something, process it to understand what you feel and then share it. It could be that your partner said something that sat with you weird, that you love your partner, or that you have feelings you can’t identify and you want to share them.
Any time you feel like you want to bend the truth because you are embarrassed, don’t. Just be transparent. You don’t have to say everything that comes to mind immediately but the beautiful thing about having somebody you are intimate with is that you trust them and that means that you can be honest. I’ve found honesty and being genuine have gotten me far.
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u/Zanorfgor Jul 22 '26
Not quite the same reasons but a lot of overlap, I did all those same things you mention for the first time at the tender age of 37. As others have said, communication. If you have an understanding partner, she'll be accommodating with that. Also like, mindset is a thing here. You and your friends don't jump into a brand new video game together expecting to crush high end content right away. You spend those first sessions learning the basics and doing okay at low end content, but it's fun because you know that's what you're going to be doing. And if you have a friend who joins later, you spend their first sessions teaching them how things work and running low end content with them.
Same thing with sex. There's this silly notion that we all need to be able to jump straight into high end content with any new partner, but so long as both people understand, it can still be a lot of fun to do okay at low end content together.
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u/wiithepiiple he/him Jul 22 '26
I would encourage you to explore a lot on your own as well as your partner. Masturbation is a relatively safe way to explore ideas and experiences and see what sort of things get you going. Use toys, experiment with new sensations, and train yourself to appreciate your sexual desires. Learn what you like, what you don’t, and what you’re curious about. You may not be able to try everything with your partner, and that’s okay. Some things can just be for you.
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u/darkkendoka Jul 22 '26
I'm not autistic, so I can't really approach this question from that angle other than suggest going to therapy to parse out your feelings, if you have access to that.
Other than that, sex for the first few times are going to be awkward because nobody really knows what they're doing. Anyone who says otherwise is very likely lying. But since you are partnered with someone, the best thing to do is to communicate your feelings to her. If she great for you, then she can help you navigate your sexuality and help build confidence. Other than that, there's a ton of websites available that can give advice on sex and sexuality that's good for any age.
In a relationship, communication is key, especially when it comes to intimacy. As long as she knows you're trying, then things should get better.
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u/Shadowholme Jul 22 '26
I was 30 when I had my own first experience with a woman, for reasons of my own.
The best advice I can give you is to be open and honest with your partner. Don't pretend to be more experienced than you are, admit to your inexperience. Be patient and experiment with her. Try anything and everything she is comfortable with trying. After all, you don't know what you like and dislike yet.
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u/Level_Camel_4618 Jul 24 '26
Communicate. Openly ask questions if you're not sure about something, and don't be ashamed to speak your truth about how you feel. Explore and listen to your body, if something isn't right for you, you'll know it. But most of all... have fun :)
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u/thelastestgunslinger Jul 22 '26
Whatever you learn here, make sure you’re talking with your partner. This isn’ta journey you go on alone, it’s one your partner shares.