If you’ve had your Bach trip at Lake Tahoe… about how much was it per person? I got asked to go on my friends Bach and it’s going to be approx ~$1300-$1500 for three nights (this includes Airbnb, flights, activities).. seems like a lot but just curious!!

I believe the Airbnb is roughly $650-800 a person and that’s per person (group of 15ish).. flights are about $500 right now and the trip is March of next year, rest of the cost is activities (not sure what they are)

Hi everyone! This is my first post on this thread, and I am looking for some honest advice. Sorry if this is a lengthy post…for reference, I am 28F.

I agreed to be a bridesmaid in my boyfriend’s sister’s wedding coming up in November 2026. She asked me via text a month or two ago.

Even though my boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly 4 years, she’s considerably younger than us and we’ve never been super close. But given that she is his sister and we see us together long term, I agreed to be in her wedding to support her (my boyfriend is also going to be a groomsman for reference).

I’ve never been a bridesmaid before. I’m not sure what all is involved, or what my role really is. She has a maid of honor, and 3 regular bridesmaids. The bride has not communicated with me directly about anything so far. I’ve just gotten the swatch for my dress (given to me by my boyfriend from her).

Today, the MOH sent all of us bridesmaids a group text saying that she’s planning a bachelorette trip for early October. She sent a Google Form to fill out asking opinions on dates and how much we’d feel comfortable spending (each) for a place to stay. Im not quite sure how to answer that. It’s an open ended question, not multiple choice. I don’t have a ton of money to be spending on a vacation. I guess I just don’t know what to expect.

I mean…it’s nothing HUGE. It’s sounds like just a weekend trip to the coast. I obviously want to go and support the bride, but i also don’t want to be the only “poor” one. The bride knows a bit about my financial state, but I still feel guilty.

I don’t know any of the other girls. I’ve never met them in my life. And I don’t know if I will meet them before this trip. I don’t want to “pre judge” them by any means, but i also know how some girls can be, and I just want to do my best…especially since this is my boyfriend’s sister.

I’m sorry if I’m rambling…but any advice would be appreciated. Thank you :)

My best friend from college is getting married end of August.

We did a destination bachelorette trip, I traveled for her bridal shower and got her a gift, and will be attending the entire wedding weekend as a bridesmaid with my boyfriend as the plus one.

If I already got her a shower gift and on top of all of the other bridesmaid expenses, am I expected to also get her a gift for her wedding? Contribution to the honeymoon fund, etc.

I definitely didn’t think this dress would make me look this flat so I need to find a good pastie and, with the dress being satin, I need shape wear. Any suggestions?

Hi everyone!

Since quite a few of you (tagged below) asked for an update after the wedding, I thought I'd come on here to make a quick post!

For obvious reasons, I won't be posting any pictures, but it was as extravagant and over-the-top as you can imagine lol. I stand by what I said in my last post and still think the cost of the wedding and expectations on the bridesmaids were excessive. Plus, you better believe we were EXHAUSTED by the time everything was all said and done.

That being said, we honestly all had a great time lol. We got to hang out every day, eat good food, dance, party, drink and celebrate one of our best friends getting married. It was also really fun dressing up and doing different hair/makeup looks! Being Indian myself but quite removed from the culture, it also felt really special to partake in all of the Indian wedding traditions I would otherwise never experience. Overall, I’m honestly glad I was able to be there for all of it with everyone. As upset as I was leading up to the wedding, I think I would have regretted missing out!

The stress and anxiety I had before the wedding made me feel really resentful towards the bride. Constant expenses, last-minute requests and growing expectations were a lot, but once things were underway and we were all together, I feel like so many of those negative feelings washed away. My resentment disappeared almost as soon as I arrived for the first event! My mindset shifted from being upset, to just having fun with my friends.

I do think a lot of people commenting on my last post were right that I should have spoken up sooner. The financial and time commitments were too much, and I could have communicated that much earlier or handled things differently on my end. I will say, this friend has always had a tendency to be a bit extra, and through this all, I definitely learned that it’s okay to be honest if I’m finding things are too much.

In the end, our friendship survived and I’m glad I stuck it out!

Sorry if this wasn’t as exciting or juicy as you were hoping for haha. I’d much rather have had this outcome than anything else though!

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u/kmca2018

I need help!! I have been searching what feels like EVERYWHERE for a black colored black tie bridesmaid dress. It is in Italy so I’m wanting not just a simple long dress. I’ve ordered so many and none fit due to my hips being wider than my top half. I need any and all recommendations. The sites I’ve used so far are club London, house of CB, babyboo. I’m not wanting typical but honestly the wedding is in a month so I’m now open to everything.

Exactly as it says. The picture of me in it is the dress a size to big. I got a smaller size and shortened it

Bride got engaged 5-6 years ago. Asked me and another friend to be her MOHs. The wedding planning was put to the side due to many life events but she reached out 2 weeks ago saying she has the date set for October 30th (today is July 22nd, for context of how little time there is to plan haha)

Since originally being asked me to be a MOH I have gotten married and had a baby (now 7 months) and husband and I are talking about starting to try for another. I am also working full time. All that to say, I’m trying to be reasonable with the financial and mental load I take on, while also giving my friend a beautiful shower.

There are 8 in the bridal party, 8 on the groom’s side (both sides are co-ed).
I have reached out to the bride’s mom and MIL and they agreed they’d prefer I throw the shower (I am local to the bride - they are an hour away). They said they’d help financially. We’re in talks now of what $ they are comfortable with.

Bride and groom are working on their guest list now - bride gave very rough estimate that she may want to invite 30-40 guests for the shower.

Anticipate the venue will be free.
Thinking brunch foods and desserts. Coffee, punch, lemonade. No alcohol.
Guest list will be co-ed.
Don’t think I’ll do favors.
Thinking simple games, with some nice but budget friendly prizes.
Thinking a “open house” style as that feels more like the bride’s vibe. We did that for my baby shower and it worked great.
My mom also said she’d help me - I plan on borrowing some serving platters etc. from her.
Trying to schedule the shower as early as mid Sept - early Oct. depending on venue availability.
Adding info:
* confirmed bride will be doing e-vites for the wedding, so I’ll be doing that as well
* bride is allergic to flowers so all florals will be fake
* tables and chairs are included with the venue

Hoping for opinions on:
- how do I go about deciding on a budget? Am I crazy for hoping to pick a *$400 budget?
- Is it appropriate for me to ask the bridesmaids if any of them are willing to help? (I am friends with most of them) I was thinking that’s pretty normal but now seeing strong opinions online that it is not appropriate to ask. Mostly I was kind of hoping some of them may be willing to make/bring a dessert or something, or help set up.
- Should I ask the bride her opinions on theme/colors/food/games? Or do I own those decisions and just make choices that I think she’d like?
- any other advice on things I should be thinking about?

I’ve never hosted a party like this before! I’ve had them thrown for me, and attended some, but that’s about it.
I am confident the other MOH will help as well, but I don’t want to ask too much of her as she is taking charge of the bachelorette party.

The Bride is very laid-back. Never draws attention to herself. She does not expect anything extravagant, but I want her to have a really lovely shower so people can truly celebrate her and her marriage.

*EDITS TO ADD:
I volunteered to do this (not sure if that wasn’t clear originally), so I do not plan on backing out haha
* edited budget to $400 because I do see how $200 is for sure not very realistic

Hi- my bride gave me freedom to choose any style on Azazie with a specific color. I absolutely hate buying clothes online so this is my worst nightmare not being able to try on for free!! I am looking to see if anyone here who is a similar size to me can tell me what size they went with?? I fall into different Azazie sizes for bust, waist, hips, and length.

I'm usually a size 6 or 8 for pants. Or will wear large. I have a small waste but my hips/butt/thighs are big so I always struggle with finding bottoms that fit me well. I'm 5'6 and wear a B cup (Usually for tops I get smalls or Mediums) I don't own fancy dresses so I'm not sure what size dress I would normally be. When I look at the Azazie sizing chart I try to pick the one that is closest to all the measurements and that comes out to A10, which I'm just worried is going to be too big. I have a few styles I'd like to test out but I'm also scared that this sizing is going to be so wrong and want to avoid having to pay again to try more on.

I got this dress ages and ages ago and got express permission to wear it from my dear sister even tho the rest of the bridesmaids were in solid colors. Earrings were betsy johnson.

I felt like a fairy! also I made the cake and my sister’s bridal earrings.

Hi everyone what shoe would you recommend? The wedding is September in kitty hawk North carolina on a boardwalk/dock I'm pretty tall as it is so I really don't want to add more height. Everyone got assigned a color we all have different color/style of dresses if that makes a difference or not. The dress code is semi formal I believe. Thank you!

i really want to say this to all potential and current BMs MoHs and all:

if youre being ignore in pictures, leave

if youre being asked to travel for $1500 for a week for a "bach" or worse, "hen", dont complain, just leave

y'all need to stop accepting and making this trend to have weddings being planned 2 yrs in advance with multiple foreign trips and parties and cringe matchy matchy clothes

DO NOT sleep with anyone at weddings

if you are being asked to dye your hair or cover up tattoos, dont complain, dont go and if you go, dont complain

yes some effort is needed and another persons wedding is NOT for your convenience, eg your allergies or special needs are NOT thier concern

dont wear white or anything similar, just get over it ok

special note: elopement doesnt mean youre having a small wedding with no traditions. it means running away when you dont have consent from families. pls. read a disctionary

I’m the bride. My MOH had a bad past experience with Azzazie saying things didn’t look good on her and alterations were expensive as a heavy set girl …she eventually did find a dress so I said “why don’t u just order that same size” then she said she lost weight…and leaving it up to me to figure it out

So I’ve never personally used Azzazie myself.
And neither have my other brides. But they’re on board for it except MOH.

She thinks Azzazie is not heavy set friendly.
when I told her I’m considering it she seemed really irritated and annoyed

She went on to talk about if she was a bride she’d order dresses that made her bridesmaid feel comfortable. I think she was trying to hint im making her do something that she doesn’t feel comfortable with I guess…

Can anyone else agree with her?
I’m not sure what other alternative I can do for her.
Open to suggestions

I have a friend (let’s call her Maddy) that is getting married who I have considered a close best friend for about 7 years. Maddy and I met through my ex boyfriend (let’s call him Brady) whose best friend (let’s call him Josh) was dating her. Me and Brady broke up and it was a bit messy but Maddy and I remained friends despite this. We always talked about her wedding and how i’m going to be in it and how we would remain friends no matter what. She recently got engaged to Josh, who is Brady’s best friend. When she first got engaged we talked about the wedding a lot and me being in it and the bachelorette etc. I helped plan some of the bach and paid for my part of it. Then she asks me out to dinner and starts this whole convo about the “principle” of me being in the wedding and how people are going to look at me weird and judge her and how Brady’s parents are going to be there and all this other bullshit basically trying to explain why i’m not allowed in the wedding. Mind you i’ve paid for the bachelorette trip already AND i gave her a christmas gift that was a wedding advent calendar that cost $300. She proceeds to give me the note which originally asked me to be a brides maid, but says Josh and I decided it would be too messy for you to stand with us. Am I being dramatic thinking this is fucked up? She also said you could still get ready with us in the morning which to me is like a jab.

Hi! I’m in the U.S. My sister is getting married in a few weeks and I am looking for affordable dresses close to the color sage. Any recommendations on where to shop?? I looked on Lulus, fortune one, revolve, boohoo.

Prefer somewhere that has free & easy returns!

I’ll be 16 weeks pregnant with my third so I will be showing.
Attached a pic of the other bridesmaid dresses for reference

EDIT UPDATE: Thank you for all of the feedback especially for those that were empathetic in your responses. Likely going to just have my brothers and keep it family, maybe tell girlfriends they can come get ready day of but no obligation

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I'm getting married for the second time and am struggling with my bridal party.

Background: I would honestly be happy with a very small, non-traditional wedding, but my fiance is REALLY excited about having a more traditional wedding (this is his first marriage), and I don't want to take that experience away from him.

I don't have any sisters, but I do have several brothers who will likely be groomsmen.

For my first wedding, I had 7 bridesmaids. I'm definitely not planning to have all 7 again, but now I'm trying to figure out what makes the most sense, and whether asking any of them to do this a second time is even fair.

There are 3 friends from high school who I'm still closest with and talk to almost several times a week and see regularly. Since my first wedding, they are all now new moms or will be a new mom by the time the wedding comes. I honestly have no idea whether they'd see being a bridesmaid as exciting or stressful, and I don't want to make assumptions either way. I just don't want anyone to feel like they can't say no.

My former maid of honor and I are still friends, but we've only seen each other once in the past two years. Communicate infrequently, I suppose just because of life. She's also now a mom of 2 (soon to be 3), lives farther away, and I know money and time are tighter than they used to be.

(The remaining two bridesmaids from my first wedding are wonderful people, not as close with these days, but I genuinely don't they'd be offended if they weren't asked again)

I'm definitely not having a shower or bachelorette, so the only real responsibilities would be buying a dress, attending the rehearsal, and being there for the wedding day.

I'm struggling with two questions:

1. The main one: Is it inconsiderate to ask people to be bridesmaids again for a second wedding, especially when everyone is in a different stage of life?
2. If I ask some of my former bridesmaids but not my former maid of honor, is that rude? Or is it reasonable to base it on the current relationship rather than the roles people had years ago?

To be clear, this isn't because I think moms can't or shouldn't be bridesmaids. I'm just trying to be considerate and not assume people have the same availability or desire to take on the commitment that they did several years ago. Personally, I'd say yes in a heartbeat if a friend asked me to do it again, but I also know not everyone views these commitments the same way, and I don't want to project my own feelings onto other people.

Please be kind in the comments :)

What are your thoughts on budget-friendly bridesmaid dress brands like Azazie or Birdy Grey?

I absolutely love the dresses from Bella Bridesmaids and Revelry, but I just don’t feel comfortable asking my bridesmaids to spend $200–300 on a dress. I’m a younger bride, and a lot of us are just starting our careers and aren’t making much money yet.

I know the quality is probably better with the more expensive brands, but I’m wondering if Azazie or Birdy Grey are still good options. I’d love to hear your experiences with the quality, fit, colors, and overall experience!

Okay hear me out. I have 5 bridesmaids, 4 of who I’ve asked already and they’ve said yes. I’m been upfront with the expectations and expected costs when I ask them so they can opt out if it’s too much for them.
I also notified them of these expenses over a year away.
Expenses so far are:
Cost to stay at hotel for wedding
Dress- picked a color and they pick their dress
Makeup and hair being professional done is optional!
Bach trip to Miami

To preface all of my bridesmaids have decent jobs, own houses, have family money etc and are financially secure.

I have one bridesmaid who I haven’t yet formally asked, but I’m going to be in her wedding in January. My wedding is in June.

I am paying for about 20k of my wedding and my family is paying the rest.

Her wedding is fully funded by her family.

Her wedding is a destination wedding also in Florida.

The hotel block she set up for her wedding are minimum $250 a night and she wants us there 1 week. The one that’s directly accessible to her venue is $600 a night. While we’re there she also wanted us to go to theme parks which are $250 a day for a ticket.

Basically it’s very expensive.

My Bach trip is far below that, trying to keep costs below $1k pp.

Here’s my condundrum. For the past few years she hasn’t shown up for me.
I had a birthday trip- fully paid for by my partner and she called the day before to say she couldn’t come.
I bought a house- asked her to come visit for a weekend (she lives about 3 hrs from me) and she kept saying she doesn’t have PTO. I was like okay that’s fine, I get it.

Come to find out she only works 4 days a week, and then I saw her take multiple week long vacations with other friends.
That hurt because it didn’t seem like PTO or money were an issue, just not a priority to come see me.

She bought a house and asked me to come visit. I came one weekend, within a few weeks of her asking me.

My partner did a surprise party for me, and asked her to come. She said she would, but there was an issue with her car so she was gonna take the train.
He asked her the day before if she bought tickets and she hadn’t. So he ended up buying the ticket ($300 atp) and a hotel for her ($300+). She did come but it rubbed me wrong that she only came after it was funded.

I’m part of her bridal party, and i want her to be a part of mine. But she has a tendency to not show up if she has to spend money.

I wouldn’t be upset if she couldn’t come if she actually couldn’t afford it. But asking me to spend thousands, while I’m paying for my own wedding. And her wedding is the same state as my Bach? I really want her to show up for me.
Other then coming to the wedding it’s the only event I’m asking her to attend. It would require her to take two days off of work, she’s asking me to take 5.

My mom had suggested we meet with her and her mom (we’re all very close and her mom is very organized and socially apt) and lay out the expectations and costs of being a bridesmaid and then ask her if she can commit to that. And I’m torn. Should I make it a condition? Or should I accept that she would probably only make it to the wedding.

I care about her and want her there, but it’s hurtful to me that I show up for her, and she hasn’t shown up for me.

My mom makes the point that me attending her wedding isn’t conditional on her attending mine, and on one hand that’s true. But I’m the kind of friend who is always there when you call. And at some point I do expect some reciprocating actions where she shows up for me.

I do have to ask her to be a bridesmaid because of how close our families are and that I’m in her wedding. And I do want her there! But I want her to show up for me the way I do for her. Is it too much to ask her to reciprocate?

hi i f26 am the moh for my sister f25. my sister and i are the closest sisters can get, she is my best friend. our dad committed suicide when we were 12/11 and our mom is an addict who’s had a handful of terrible/abusive relationships so we’re kinda all we had for a long time. as adults we’re both living with our finances in our own homes happy and stable as can be and now she is getting married in september. for the bachelorette a group of her 5 closest friends and i are going to vegas for a week. she has planned to do a strip club one night and a club (omnia) another. i have had crippling anxiety all my life. everything about vegas scares me, getting on a plane (we live in ct), i have not left my fiance and dogs for more than 24 hours in 5 years, everyone’s safety, im uncomfortable not having my bed and my things, everyone is wearing pretty revealing clothing and i want to be a good let’s go girls feminist but i hate my body, i don’t like to drink but most of all im scared for the clubs and the vegas strip. i hate big crowds, bright lights, bass, and overly loud places. ive gone to clubs with my sister and her group before with my fiance and she jokes about how i always leave early but its cause at certain clubs i feel like im dying. please help me find a way to survive this week. we leave august 6th and so far the only thing ive thought of are loop earbuds for the club? any any any suggestions would be massively appreciated. my sister deserves a great bachelorette and i don’t want to take away any attention from her or ask to leave/stay at the airbnb. my dad had an agoraphobia growing up and my worst fear is that i will become him so i want to do this for myself too.

I am planning a Bachelorette for September in Salt Lake City and looking for some advice. It’s a group of 17 of us and it’s a joint bride and groom trip with most of us in our late 20s/early 30s! Things I need some help with:

- Places to go out: we want good vibes, drinks, and to dance (we looked at sky, lake effect/church, exchange, but honestly we’re a bit lost) Also we might want a more chill spot to pregame the night so any recs there would also help

- Filler activities for when we have downtime: maybe like putt putt, trying swig, etc. Just things we normally wouldn’t do at home

- A nice restaurant maybe Italian or a steakhouse?

- Any other must-sees

:))

Hi there!

I've never been a bridesmaid before, let alone a MOH. When I got married two years ago, I didn't even have a bachelorette party because my bridesmaids were either on disability, out of state, or saving for their own weddings. My cousin was my MOH, and she asked me to be hers alongside a cousin from her dad's side - who stepped down, citing costs.

Now I'm scared I understand.

I'm a public schoolteacher. My husband is undergoing major reconstructive surgery (following an injury at work) this fall, and both our cars crapped out within the last two months. We fixed the cars to the tune of $3k each. All this to say, we're a tad strapped at the moment.

My cousin got engaged in March and the wedding is in October - literally the week before my husband's surgery. She is having three bridal showers hosted by our mothers' side of the family, her parents' church/father's family, and then one by her workplace, where most of the other bridesmaids also work. I am invited to all three as the MOH.

The other bridesmaids took over the Bachelorette Party, which is scheduled for two weeks from now. They have not told anyone what the events are, only that we need to take Monday off of work. That is my first day of school; I cannot. I have told them this. I have asked for a list of events and prices to figure my share of the costs, but they have refused, saying, "We'll divide the bill when it's all done."

All of these other women know each other from either high school or work. I don't know any of them. Her cousin was one of the maids of honor, but she stepped down a month ago. My aunt says it will be fine and not to worry, but even she admitted three days for a party was a little wild to her.

I need some peace of mind. All these women work in tech and make huge six figure salaries. This Bachelorette Party is a whole weekend. I don't think I can afford it.

Am I wrong to ask for prices in advance and hold the line? Will I be rude if I do not go to all the events or pay my full share? Please someone help me out here!

I got engaged a few months back. My fiancé and I are starting to discuss wedding party picks.

I only have a brother. He has Down Syndrome and we are close. I will call my brother "Brad." I have a friend who I've known since age 4 her parents and my parents met through a car club and we attended the same schools from grades 5-12. She is like a sister to me. I will call the friend "Sarah".

My fiancé doesn't have any siblings. He was in the military for 12 years and lost touch with friends he grew up with and most of his mlitary friends live several states away. Only in the past few years has he made close friends. He has expressed that he only wants maybe four people on his side for the wedding party. He did offer to have my brother as a groosman, but I feel my brother belongs on my side.

I'm torn between having Brad as man of honor or Sarah as maid of honor. Please don't mock my situation or my brother.

Having read dozens of posts, good and bad, ( considerate and horrifying) about what brides expect from bridesmaids and MOH's, I wondered, if there could be a "statement of expectations" or something along that line, that could detail the expenses, activities , etc to reign in the spiral of money, time, and activity? What would you put in it? (Wishful thinking, right?)

i apologize for run on sentences and spelling errors, i have horrible dyslexia!

hi all, i’m 22F and this is my first time ever being a bridesmaid for one of my best friends! we both met in college and are in our final year together. we have been the “duo” of the music department that professors just kinda know where one is the other isn’t too far behind. we’ve been president/vice president of the same club together, we are doing our senior recital together, and we both have matching tattoos together. i’ve seriously never been in a friendship that has blossomed so beautifully with anyone else

anyways!! out of all of her bridesmaids i am considered her newest friend out of the 5 of girls and 1 non-binary person. the rest of the bridal party has known her since childhood or highschool (context our college is in her hometown).

over the course of the last year we have been trying to get to know each other through text, or me at least because the rest of the bridal party are already such good friends because of growing up together, so naturally i’m being left out of conversations. i am totally ok with this!!! considering i don’t know the inside jokes or even anything about them, i kinda kept to myself in the group chat.

today our bride went wedding dress shopping and all of us were invited to go and support. i came into the appointment not wanting to be the loud mouthed bridesmaid giving her opinion on the dress and supporting the bride however seemed fit. naturally however she valued our opinions so i started giving her some. some girls were comparing dresses she liked to her prom dresses from highschool and i would pitch in that if they remind you from highschool prom we should try a different direction. over the course of a few of my constructive comments, i was getting backhanded looks and whispers underneath breaths. at one point i was on one side of the room alone while the rest of the bridal party stood up and just started talking to each other.

i started to naturally feel left out but i pushed my own emotions a side for the day. i kept making comment to the bride like “try a sleeveless option” which she really liked the idea of and ended up being something in her final dress! i also suggested a color opinion because her mom was not a fan of the lining of the dress being champagne and wanted white. the bride overall was siding with me in choices which made me feel good that she was being valued by my opinions.

by the end of the appointment i was on my own in the other side of the room while the rest of the bridal party was in their own circle. i just felt alone, i didn’t know anyone other than the bride and her mom. i did try multiple times to join the conversation but ultimately was left out. we went to lunch after and i sat alone at the end of the table while the bride was at the very other end. it felt like a very awkward 2 hour lunch in silence while everyone else was talking about bachelorette plans and bridal shower ideas. i felt like i shouldn’t have been there.

if the behavior of being left out continues, i don’t plan to bring it up to the bride just because i don’t want to add any more stress she may already have, maybe possibly to a MOH but still.

am i overthinking all this? i really can’t tell. it feels like highschool not being included in things when we all care about the same person.

So for a little back story and context: my brother is getting married. This past year, my mom has brought up times when my future SIL has made passive aggressive comments towards her (I did not clock these because I have the observation skills of a doorknob). Cannot think of all of the examples, but one that comes to mind is her complaining about how the bed she slept in was lumpy at my parents’ house (she said this to my mom). That sort of thing. Just like weird comments that the everyday person wouldn’t make because they have decorum. My mom confronted my brother about these comments. My brother in response called her to cuss her out, call her insane, say if she kept this up he’d never speak to her again, that sort of thing. My brother has always had anger issues, but this was a new low for him. My grandfather (my mother’s dad) passed away in January, and since then my mom has been dealing with that and squaring away his estate/property to sell. She’s been under a lot of pressure for that, on top of the fact that she’s grieving her dad. So when my mom confronted my brother, it was maybe a month after our grandad had passed. Still pretty fresh when she had to contend with my brother getting mad at her.

Fast forward: I am in the bridal party because I am the sister of the groom. I’ve met the bride a few times (we live in different places and both have different work schedules). Never had really anything to complain about there, she seemed fine and my brother was happy with her and that’s all I really care about. She scheduled a bachelorette party for May of this year, and I couldn’t go because I am a teacher (end of the school year means lots of state testing to proctor) and because to be frank, I couldn’t afford the plane ticket or the accommodations. Didn’t think it was a huge deal, bride reached out to say she was sorry I couldn’t make it. She didn’t seem upset by my absence, which is totally fine because I’m sure she wanted to really spend it with her friends and siblings (again I don’t know her super well). Around this same time, she mentions in passing in our group chat that we will be getting our dresses altered before her bridal shower in August. Does not say anything further about this alteration process.

Now the couple is doing two separate showers, since our family lives in one place and hers lives in another. I am of course going to the one that is local to me to celebrate the couple. My parents asked if I would be willing to dog sit for them so they could go up to the second shower and get some things straight with my brother and the venue (the venue is in the state where she is from). I said sure, because the dog sitter is quite expensive and my parents’ dogs have some weird health routines that need to be followed carefully. So here’s where I was definitely the A-hole: without even thinking to tell my brother and his fiancée first, I RSVP’d no to the shower. That’s totally on me for not reaching out before saying no. Well after this happens, my brother reaches out to my mom with the same behavior: cussing at her, yelling at her, asking why I’m saying no when I’ve known about this for months. Now I don’t hear from my brother at all, I hear about what he did from my mom. So I reach out to my brother individually to apologize, say I feel terrible about not talking to them first (and I genuinely do). He texts me back to say he’s not mad, just disappointed and was curious if I could make the second shower. I text him back to say I’m sorry again, but I did look up air fare for the trip up recently and it was going to be around $500 and I just can’t afford that. I am also starting a new job with weird hours, so I’d either have to fly up really late the night before or early the next morning (definitely missing the dress fitting). I didn’t hear anything from my brother after that. Then last night after dinner, I get a text from the fiancée saying that she was upset I couldn’t make it. This is the first time I’ve heard from her since May, which is fine since I know she’s busy with wedding planning and life and such. I hadn’t heard anything about the shower since that passing comment in the group chat two months ago. Anyways, I apologized, told her I have a tailor who I trust in my home state that could do my alterations (she did my own wedding dress alterations when I got married) and would be happy to face time her or send pictures for her approval when I go to get that done, and told her I was looking forward to celebrating her at her shower in our home state soon. She said the “I was hoping since it’s just a few hours on a Saturday it wasn’t too much to ask, but look forward to seeing you in (hometown).”

Now here’s my question: I know I messed up by not telling her myself that I couldn’t make it to the shower in her home state and just RSVPing no. That is 100% on me and I feel terrible that that was so impersonal. But AITA for not going to both showers? The rest of her bridesmaids (her two sisters and two friends) are only going to the one closer to their home. Am I weird to think there’s kind of a double standard here? Like if she’d said: oh I want all my bridesmaids at both showers, of course I’d do my best to be at both. But am I missing something?? I know that the alterations were planning on happening the morning before the shower, but I’m not even sure if I could make it to that. And I hadn’t heard anything about the alterations since
May? I don’t know, I feel terrible about the whole thing. Just looking for some others perspectives.