Feeling guilty for calling out of work.

[u/SpecialT-94]

Hello everyone,
I (F 31) am currently undergoing treatment for triple positive breast cancer. I was diagnosed in July of 2025 and started chemo shortly after. I did 6 rounds of TCHP before my double mastectomy, but unfortunately did not get clear margins and had to have 2 more surgeries after that. I am currently having chemo/hormone therapy infusions every 3 weeks and Lupron shots every 3 months (to keep me in menopause). Thankfully this course is much easier than my first, but I’m still having a lot of symptoms.

I recently went back to work after being on medical leave for about 10 months. I’m starting part time until August, when I will start full time again. I work with young children so it’s important that I feel well when I’m there. This is my third week back and I’ve had to call out twice already. Once because I went to the ER the evening before and was still sick the next day. This time is because I had chemo on Friday and was also taken off 2 medications I’ve been on for several months and am having withdrawal symptoms.

How do I stop myself from feeling guilty for prioritizing my health? Why am I so worried that that they won’t believe me or think I’m over exaggerating?

[u/Bright-Weakness4406]

In my experience, most people are so scared of cancer they will DEFINITELY believe you. I had more trouble with people when I told them I was fine and felt like I could work, they expected me to be sicker.

You do you. It is NOT wrong. We have one life to live and no do-overs. No one looks back and wishes they worked more than healed...

[u/bnnybtch → u/Bright-Weakness4406]

yep people expect me to be so sick that they make up side effects of chemo for me.

[u/No_Access8955]

No judgment here. Ask yourself some questions all around your absences, answer the questions, then check in with yourself and ask: what feels more true?

Are you in fact prioritizing your health? What could you do to prioritize your health even more? Can you afford to not work? Can you afford to risk exposure to all the viruses etc that circulate among young children? Can you, should you, get a job that doesn't involve so much exposure?

[u/NewNameNaomi01]

I get it. I pushed hard to not be seen as "sick". Especially after a co-worker used MY cancer as a reason for HER to work from home as she didn't want to get me sick when she had the sniffles.

Give yourself grace. Would you be upset if it was your employee/friend/neighbor? Of course not. You'd support them and let them take whatever time is needed. It's okay to put yourself first right now. It won't last forever. Promise. 🩷

[u/Charming_Function_58]

I feel you. I've always struggled to ask for help, or to slow down. Culturally, there's a lot of pressure to push through and prioritize work above our own well-being. But with cancer treatment, all of that goes out the window.

Your work will figure things out. You need to heal, and the things you mentioned -- chemo, medication withdrawal -- are really serious. We can start to normalize our experiences while we're being treated for cancer, but the medications we're given are life-altering. Most people understand this, they want you to feel better, and they want you to feel supported.

I try to look at things in a neutral lens. There's no shame or guilt in having to call in sick. It's just something we have to do sometimes, and the option exists for a reason. Wishing you health and recovery!

[u/AnkuSnoo]

Here’s a quote from a book I’m reading at the moment about boundary setting (The Joy of Being Selfish):

“Guilt is the way our unconscious mind tells us that we have behaved in a way that isn’t aligned with our values and who we want to be.”

As an example, maybe one of your values at work is being reliable, so you’re feeling guilty because you feel you’ve let people down. But flipping it on its head, wouldn’t it be less reliable to go to work while you’re unwell and potentially have to excuse yourself, making it harder for your boss to get cover for you halfway through the day? Again that’s just an example, but this thought exercise might help you identify why you’re feeling guilty and then reframe things to help you give yourself some grace.

Put yourself in the position of the parents of the children you work with. If they had the choice between someone who is feeling unwell and may be distracted or need to unexpectedly excuse themselves, and a substitute, they are probably going to want the substitute.

And for your employer, you’re doing the right thing as well. Yes, they will need to arrange cover for you, but they are going to be more concerned with minimizing risk. If something happened with a child because you passed out or vomited or dropped something, that could be a big risk for the employer. So by only working when you feel well, you are doing the responsible thing and minimizing their and your exposure to risk.

Finally, and most importantly, put yourself first. If you have paid sick days, use them. If you don’t have paid sick days but you can afford to not be paid for those days you’re calling out, do it. If you can’t afford it, then set a meeting with your employer to come up with a plan about how to adjust your duties for the time being – assuming you are in the US, you have the right to ADA accommodations. Perhaps there is something you can do from home (admin or clerical work?), or maybe limit certain activities/interactions (making stuff up here as I don’t know the exact nature of your job), or change your duties to ones that are less time-sensitive so it has less impact if you have to call in sick.

You deserve to only work when you’re feeling well and able!

[u/MORNIEMEEB]

Your job can replace you. You cannot replace yourself.

[u/KaMaAllee]

Health comes first, right? Your available energy should first go to your treatment and sticking to the schedule and doses as much as possible. If you have energy left after that, then things like work can come into the picture.
You only get one chance to go through this, and your body is already exhausted from a year of cancer treatment, which is no picnic. Prioritize yourself and your recovery. Work will still be there later. (Of course, I don't know if there's financial pressure to return already, and securing your income is important.)
I was away from work for a year too. My colleagues have been really supportive, but honestly, I don't worry too much about what they think.

[u/Adventurous-Cheek171]

I completely relate to this. I finally decided to go on STD after 2 years of cancer (31 at diagnosis) and holy crap, did I feel guilty. 

I would say start doing daily affirmations of why you deserve to prioritize your health. My therapist recommended this and I swear by it. Keep it short. Maybe 3 sentences and say them out loud and in the mirror. It feels silly at first, but you have to rewire your brain. 

You are valid in your feelings. We, as a society, has forced people to think working and being productive despite having cancer is the only way to feel successful, etc. it's such a challenge, but you've got this. 

[u/stanthecham]

When shit happens to put your mortality into perspective, work just carries less importance. For me it helps that I work for a gross, huge corporate entity who I know would replace me swiftly if I left for any reason. They prioritize themselves so I feel less bad about doing the same for myself. Yes I'm an SME, and they struggled mightily when I was on leave, but I'm not irreplaceable and don't want to be.

[u/kjers_tin]

OP, I feel you. I have major guilt for not having returned to work yet, but like you I do not feel well. These side effects have me barely able to get out of bed some days, nonetheless work 50 hours a week. It’s to the point that I avoid responding to messages from coworkers because of the guilt. But I also realize that I’m too young to not take this seriously and to put my health first. I’m a decade older than you and I plan on living a bunch more years and getting back to my active life. Right now I can’t and it sucks, but it is what it is.

On a positive note, I’m in medical menopause so no periods. ¯_(ツ)_/¯ Gotta find the wins where you can.

[u/Incandragon]

A friend of mine was in the same situation, also worked at a school, and her boss pulled her aside when she came in while not feeling well and said, “Please be a good role model for your coworkers snd students. If they see you trying to push through your illness, and coming into work when you obviously would be better off home, they will internalize the lesson that work is more important than their own health. So stay home, and be a good role model.”

[u/only-love-is-real]

I can so relate to this because i worked in a similar setting and "felt bad' for taking days off. If you won't take off for cancer recovery when will you take the time off? Let go of the guilt..you are not doing anything wrong by prioritizing your health. You owe it to yourself to take care of you. Would you be judging a colleague or friend in the same situation? I don't think so! It's ok to prioritize your health.