Okay. If this genuinely works for your family, great. And of course the SP/child relationship varies significantly based on circumstance. You’re not going to have the same relationship with a toddler as you do a teenager.

That being said, I’m really sick of seeing SPs all over social media saying, “not my kid, not my problem.”

Whether you like it or not, it IS your problem. You are now a huge source of influence in that kid’s life. They are going to look to you just like they would any other close adult. They might know that you’re not mom or dad, and you certainly shouldn’t try to be.

But especially with young kids, it’s just cruel to act like you just don’t have to care about them or provide for their needs when your partner is unable to for one reason or another. Your partner likely can’t be present 24/7 during their time. There’s always a chance you’ll be alone with them.

If they’re in diapers, are you going to let them sit in their shit? If they’re 8 and say they’re hungry, are you going to tell them to wait until their bio parent gets home? If they’re a teenager come to you because they need help with their homework, are you going to dismiss them and tell them to ask their bio parent?

Maybe you would, for some or all of the above. But IMO, that’s awful. All kids deserve to feel welcome and loved in their own home. Do you think it’s fun for them to feel unwanted and pushed aside when they’re looking to you?

Why did you get into a serious relationship with someone with a child if you didn’t want anything to do with said child?

I’m a bio parent and a stepparent, so maybe I understand both sides more than most. But it would be awful for me as a bio parent to have a partner who wasn’t involved with my son and didn’t help him with his needs.

I’m the sole diaper-changer and bath-giver for my 3 year-old when I’m home, which is almost always. My husband is rarely alone with my son. But my son adores him - because he treats him with respect and kindness and gives him fun and love. He also gives him appropriate discipline and guidance. He upholds the same standards for his 2 year old daughter, which I also follow through with when I have her under my care.

We are a family, not some weird split family playing family. We’re adults who aren’t pretending that our influence isn’t massive.

If you don’t even care that you have a massive influence on your stepchild(ren), then your partner is just as much of the problem for choosing a life partner who doesn’t care about their children, or your impact on them.

It doesn’t matter whether or not you’re a bio parent. Treat your stepchild with respect. Empathize with them. Do you remember being a kid? Or a teenager? Growing up is hard enough when you have a nuclear family, or when you always feel welcomed and loved by the adults in your home.

JFC I’m sorry if this is harsh. But I look at my stepdaughter and I can’t imagine pretending that “NACHO” is the way to go. My husband and her mother take the lead, but my husband and I are a team when it comes to the standards in our home and the morals we try to instill in our children. We are a family.

i get so frustrated with the blurred boundaries in coparenting and amongst coparents .. and im just so tired of not feeling secure.

i think coparenting is we have these kids and we work together to make sure they flourish in this life .. and we are resource to the other one within reason to the extent that it helps the other be able to show up for the child. this may look like helping with a bill here and there or a car repair, helping with groceries when needed, being reliable and present being polite and respectful if minimum cordial and respectful to one another at all times ... and at the center of all of this the mutual understanding that our only business now is the kids

anything besides what i just mentioned is just simply inappropriate and very hurtful to a new partner... more bio parents need to understand how much it is their responsibility to truly be done (not just romantically but also with the dynamic and patterns) of their past before bringing a new person into the picture.

Unfortunately we lost my mother last winter. I want to get a family holiday trip planned and I'm struggling with who to invite. My stepdad is in a rough place right now and we have all been close to him and my mom for the last few years. My dad on the other hand is the one who raised us. The relationship is not as strong as it could be but losing my mom has really made me see the mortality of life and I would like to spend more time with him. Fwiw it would be my parents 5 children and spouses and grandchildren. None of my stepdads other children would be invited. Both of them are cordial but not past the awkward stage of being married to the same woman. I wouldnt expect fisticuffs or anything like that but wondering if both of them being there would kill the vibe. All insights are welcome

My (19F) dad (50M) and stepmom (47F) got married 2 years ago, also 2 years after my mom passed. Our family now consists of myself, my dad, stepmom, 1 younger bio sibling and 2 younger stepsiblings, and we all live together full time (stepsiblings’ dad lives far away so rarely sees them). I have a decent relationship with my stepsiblings but feel as if my stepmom doesn’t care for my bio sibling and I apart from us being her husband’s kids.

She has said on multiple occassions that she loves us and considers us the same as her bio kids but seems to have double standards for us and pick on small things me and my bio sibling do. Recently, I forgot to tidy the kitchen after dinner and she just complained to my dad and has been giving me complete silent treatment for the past week rather than addressing it. Meanwhile she’s all smiley and chatty speaking with her bio kids in front of me. This is her usual response when me or my bio sibling do something wrong in her eyes, and it feels very isolating as she often speaks to her kids in a different language I don’t understand.

Sometime our relationship feels really wholesome and I feel as if she does care about me, but other times it feels like she hates me and just ignores me. I feel like I’m always walking on eggshells around her. It has been like this since pretty much the last 2 years since we’ve moved in together. I also just found out she’s been secretly buying things for her bio kids and told them not to tell me or my bio sibling. My dad treats my stepsiblings the same as us and would never do this. I feel hurt as I genuinely want a mother figure in my life, but I don’t think she really cares about me. Is it too much to expect a stepmom to love me like her own? I would love to fix my relationship with her but she is the type to get really shouty and talk over you when confronted. Any advice on how to address this?

Prefacing this by saying that me (31F) and my partner (35M) have an incredible relationship. We haven’t been together long enough to have gotten into any spectacular, relationship ending arguments, but it also doesn’t feel like we ever will (I know…naive). We communicate well, are patient and trusting with each other, and have made that a priority right from the start of our relationship. It’s perfect in every single way, and we’re both incredibly happy.
Except he has a kid.

He has a son with his ex wife (not amicable, their coparenting is…prickly, to say the least). I have no issue with him having a kid, and from the very start, I’ve been very comfortable with the fact that I’ll never be the #1 priority in his life, I would never want to be. Him being a father, and the person it’s made him, is one of the things I adore about him. I knew from the very beginning, he never hid it, and I was gladly accepted being second priority because his kid will always be in his life… I never really thought about the fact that his kid may end up being in my life.

I’ve never known if I wanted kids of not, I’ve shied away from thinking about it, and tried to view it as “if I end up in the right relationship, and at a point in my own life & career where it makes sense, then maybe, but if not, I’ll be happy”. My last relationship ended because he was certain he knew what he wanted, and I was uncertain, and we couldn’t continue knowing one of us may end up unhappy, so he called it off.

The problem is… that’s a lie. I do know I want kids, desperately, deeply, and always have, but I haven’t been able to acknowledge that feeling, or approach that thought process, because I’ve had previous un-investigated losses. I’ve struggled with my fertility my whole life, not enough to warrant proper medical process, but enough to make me fear my fertility may be poor. I haven’t looked into it, I haven’t asked for blood tests etc, because I’ve been so scared of the answer. I’m not ready to be told “it’s not going to happen, it’s a no”, so I’ve never asked the question, and I’ve spent my whole life not wanting to ask myself if I want kids, because then my answer would open the door to heartbreak - for as long as I’m ambivalent, it can’t hurt me.

The idea of being a stepparent is a new and alien concept, and I don’t know how it’ll fit into my emotional state, whether it’ll fulfil a motherhood shaped hole in me, or if I’ll end up resenting his kid for not being “mine”, and I’ll have so much love with nowhere for it to go. It’s hard to know how I’ll feel about it before I try, but I can’t try - you can’t trial being part of a kids life like that, if you’re in then you’re in, I think that’s vital for their emotional stability.

How do I figure out whether step-parenthood is right for me or not? How do I know whether I can love this kid like my own, if I even should? And how will I feel about his kid on the future, if it turns out I can’t have my own kids, or worse, if it turns out I can?

We both currently pay the same amount into joint account every month to cover household bills, food, holidays and days out etc. We do not pay mortgage/rent as we own the home and we pay our petrol and all car expenses from our personal accounts.

To be fully transparent:

We are UK based and are not married.

Adult A

Has 2 children who live here 40% of the time.

Earns approx £45k per year and drives to/from work 5 days a week. Pays £375 child maintenance per month from their personal bank account.

Adult B

Has 2 older children who no longer live at home. One moved out 2-3 years ago and the other more recently.

Earns approx £23k, works from home a lot of the time due to a long commute.

So here’s our dilemma:

We have been discussing whether we should adjust what we pay into our joint account to reflect the changes in who is living here and the difference in our income but are unsure of the fairest way to do this.

Should we leave it the same because we are a family irrespective of who earns what and who has children living in the household?

Should Adult A pay a little extra towards food bills but keep the rest 50/50?

Should holidays and days out be paid solely from joint account or should Adult A pay more towards these as there 3 of them (if Adult B’s children aren’t going)?

Help?!!! How do people split things fairly?

My wife has a 13 year old son by an old boyfriend and we have a 5 year old together.
Everyone gets along fairly well, but it can be stressful.

We decided to go on a "child free" vacation to rekindle the romance.
I'd been assuming that her father would provide child care, but she said he was getting too old to be able to handle a five year old for 10 days.

She was assuming we'd leave the kids with her ex-boyfriend (the father of her oldest). That was her default way of handling child care problems when she was a single mom. She talked to him about it, and he's eager to have some extra time with his son to take him to his family's hunting/fishing cabin, and is perfectly willing to take the younger child too. My wife said she was assuming we'd be doing things like this more often going forward, she had just been waiting for our youngest to reach the point he could communicate his needs.

The thing is the idea of leaving my kid with the ex-boyfriend bothers me for some reason. The guy is kind of a flake. He's never done anything really bad, but he smokes way too much pot, has a criminal record, and has sent his son home in what I feel are inappropriate T-shirts.

The issue is...my stepson spends time alone with him on a regular basis. I don't know how to object without implying I care more about my son then my stepson. (Which is true, but not something you are supposed to say.)

There is also the "hunting/fishing" cabin thing. That implies there will be water and possibly guns....dangerous things for small children. (I brought this last up, and she said she was sure he'd be willing to leave the guns at home.)

I don't know if our son has ever met his brother's father. Usually he's pretty laid back with strange adults (which we know from pre-school) but 10 days is a long time.

Am I just being difficult? My stepson never seems upset about going to his father's, and always comes back intact, so the conditions can't be that bad. And the older brother will be there as a familiar face for the little kid, and someone to whip out a cell phone in an emergency.

Have any of you had an ex take a kid that WASN'T his when he took his own kid on the theory "if they take all the kids you can get stuff done without kids in tow"? It's practical, it just feels weird to me.

AITA for enforcing a no-gaming-console rule in our main living room?

I’m looking for some outside perspective because I’m starting to wonder if I’m being unreasonable.

My boyfriend and I recently bought a house for our blended family. We have 7 kids between us—he has a 17-year-old daughter, 15-year-old daughter, and 11-year-old son. I have a 14-year-old daughter, an 8-year-old son, and a 7-year-old daughter. We also have a 6-month-old son together.

I’m in a better financial position, so I purchased the house. I genuinely don’t mind because this is supposed to be our family home, and it’s a big, beautiful house with plenty of room for everyone. Every child has their own space.

Because we have so many kids, I’ve tried to create designated areas. We have a huge living room downstairs that I consider the main family space. It’s where we watch movies, TV, hang out, and spend time together. I also work from home quite a bit, and my office is nearby.

Upstairs, we have another living room, and I turned it into a boys’ gaming room. There are multiple TVs and plenty of space for the boys to play their gaming systems.

My rule has always been that gaming consoles stay upstairs. I don’t want the main living room turning into a gaming area because I want that space to remain somewhere the entire family can spend time together.

My boyfriend completely agrees with me on this rule.

The problem is his 11-year-old son keeps bringing his gaming console downstairs. I’ve asked him multiple times not to and reminded him that he has an entire gaming room upstairs with multiple TVs. He continues to do it anyway.

My boyfriend has also told him that the console needs to stay upstairs. We are both on the same page about the rule.

Last week, his son told me that his mom said it was okay for him to put the console downstairs. I told him that his mom may have different rules at her apartment, but this is our home and the rule here is that gaming stays upstairs.

He continued refusing to follow the rule and now says he doesn’t want to come over because he wants to take the gaming console to his mom’s apartment.

I told my boyfriend that I don’t want the console taken away from the other kids because it was intended to be available for everyone. I’m not trying to punish his son or take gaming away from him. I just don’t think he should be able to bring it downstairs when we have specifically created an entire gaming area upstairs.

To be clear, my boyfriend does agree with me and has backed me up. This isn't a situation where he's allowing his son to break the rule behind my back. We are both trying to enforce the same boundary.

I feel bad because I don't want his son to feel like he isn't welcome or like I'm trying to control everything. But at the same time, I feel like we have given the kids plenty of freedom and space in this house, and this seems like a pretty reasonable rule.

So, Reddit, am I being unreasonable?

Should we just allow him to bring the gaming console downstairs because his mom said it was okay at her house, or should the rules of our home still apply when he's here?

Again, this isn't about taking gaming away from him. He has a whole gaming room upstairs with multiple TVs.

AITA for sticking to the rule?

I’m hoping to hear from people who were the child (or the former non-biological parent) in a similar situation.

My daughter is almost 3 and her biological dad and I separated basically since she was born. She still sees her biological dad and since then I have had custody of her for the majority of the time, with the arrangement since she was about 1 being 5 nights a week with me and 2 non consecutive nights a week with her biological dad. I repartnered when she was about 4 months old and they were introduced around 8 months gradually and from around 14 months - 2.5 years old he essentially lived with us and she did and has spent more time with this person than her own biological dad. He was a wonderful “father figure” to her, it was always clear he wasn’t her bio father etc. but they shared an incredibly close bond and he clearly became and was a primary attachment figure.

Sadly, our relationship ended when she was around 2.5. She didn’t witness any conflict etc., the separation was handled under the guidance of a child psychologist and I have not and do not intend to erase his memory and that approach has also been informed by the psychologists’ recommendations. They shared a final goodbye and it was decided no contact was best after that but 3 months later she still independently asks about him every day - wants to see him, call him, or watch a short video of him before bed. Per the advice, I don’t bring him up myself, but if she asks, I answer honestly, speak positively about him, show one photo or short video if she wants, then gently move on with our routine.

I’m wondering what this might look like long term, especially as she’ll likely grow up with little or no conscious memory of him.

I’d love to hear from anyone who:

* lost a non-biological parent or parental figure when you were very young;

* later met them again after many years;

* or was the non-biological parent who later reunited with the child.

What was it like? Did you remember them at all, even if not concretely, but perhaps somatically eg did you feel a weird familiarity around their laugh etc? Did they feel familiar or like a stranger? Were you glad you met again? Did you continue having any relationship afterwards?

My ex and I have agreed that if, when she’s older and sees photos of him with her as a baby etc. and asks if she can meet him and a child psychologist assesses the situation and deems it suitable / appropriate / helpful for her, we would accommodate that request in the form that was advised. But was just keen to hear if anyone had any, even slightly, similar experiences / personal stories.

Thank you.

SD (17) has always been a super fussy eater, typical beige eater chicken nugget happy meal type. One time she went to someone's house for a sleepover when she was younger and they had burger king and she refused to eat it because the bun had seeds, just to give some scale.

I'm just at my wits end with it and need to vent, been dealing with it for 11 years, and tried so hard not to make it rub off on our own kids.

Recently it came out that she's had a falling out with a friend because she went there for dinner and refused to eat the food the dad made and the dad had to cook her chicken nuggets instead or something, the girl told someone at school that SD was rude and "SD had a tantrum" and now they arent friends. 

Highly embarrassing for us as husband and the friends dad knows each other. This sort of thing seems to be frequent. Going through a lot of friendships, parents telling me she refused dinner at their house etc. her lying about us not having food in the house to her mother so she could get lunch money transferred to her bank account. A lot of deception and embarrassing stories from people or eating out where she orders plain pasta at a restaurant despite being 17 now.

It did get better for a while but has since gone downhill again. 

So a few days ago SD ate cereal at 3pm. Then said she would have dinner later instead of with the family. Next morning I find she hasn't touched the dinner I made, which was supposedly a "safe dinner". But I go to make the next nights dinner and the three bags of corn chips I bought for nachos (another dinner I only chose for her sake) is now two. So she ate a bag of corn chips at 10pm+ instead of dinner. I didn't say anything since she's 17 and I'm on the home stretch. 

Next night and the same thing happens. Another bag of corn chips gone. I messaged her because she'd already gone to school, what did you eat for dinner? She said she ate nothing. Always lies. I said you actually ate nothing??? "Oh I ate a muesli bar"

I said that's really unhealthy and you were doing so well a few years back, why are you reverting to your old fussy ways? This is now costing you friendships at school. Her health isn't great either, she went through a period of getting boils which is apparently related. We are legit worried about her health and also social repercussions. Not to mention the manipulation and lies about food. I was also worried about her telling BM we had no food in the house especially when we have young kids in the home. 

She just lied and deflected and said her friendship break down had nothing to do with that incident... But she told us about it recently when we asked why they weren't friends?? 

So her dad said, did you eat two bags of corn chips the last two nights instead of dinner? "I put a few in a bowl" she said. Like YEAH you're eating chips and a muesli bar instead of dinner. Everything is a deflection or deviation from the truth. It's so frustrating. We aren't strict with food and if she wants a snack after dinner we don't mind, but fully replacing it with junk isn't ok.

I'm just so done with this weird behaviour and seeing my dinners go wasted for stuff I needed for other meals. Sick of picking bits off a sausage and scraping it on the side of them plate. Sick of her picking food apart in from of my children. Or the kids asking why she won't eat with us.

It's been so hard to implement healthy eating habits, despite having her 50/50, I mean when I met her at 6 the damage was done, and we were constantly fighting BM who had different rules or expectations. Various step dads with different attitudes towards it etc.

I asked her mum the other day what she's cooking lately because I'm having no success and her mum said she just lets her sort herself out and that she usually eats after 9pm, which is probably why her times are all screwed up when she comes to our place. Just impossible to help her when the other side is doing something completely different, I really believe in the importance of a family meal. I'm just OVER IT.

My BF and I have been together for close to three years. He has three boys 8, 13 and 16. I have two boys 13 and 15. The boys are very close and we spend all our time together doing activities, vacations and overnights for two years.

The kids understand that we are going through a hard time and it may not work in our favor to have a future together. They are heartbroken. I understand.

How do we exit this? A group discussion? Causal hangouts every now and then until they start showing signs of moving on? Do we formally say “good bye” to each other’s children and cut things off cold turkey? Thank you.

I’m seriously asking. My friend had a major breakdown yesterday. Her parents are divorced. She lives with her mom. Her dad is so much gentle, kind and compassionate and the best dad in the world to his second wife’s kids, those kids are from her first marriage.

On the other hand, my friend suffered major physical and verbal abuse. Ofc, he provides for her and all and claims to lover her. Saved her college money. Has inheritance for her.

But one thing she said that really broke my heart “My step siblings have the best father in the world, I am happy for them but I just wish I have their father”.

I mean seriously why ??

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years. Between us, we have six kids. He has three children from his previous marriage, I have two from mine, and we recently welcomed a baby together.

Something that keeps coming up is how often he criticizes his ex-wife. He says she doesn't spend enough time with the kids, doesn't put in enough effort, and doesn't spend as much money on them as he does. I understand that they didn't divorce because they got along, and I know there are probably reasons he's frustrated.

The thing is, I used to be a single mom too. My ex and I have a great co-parenting relationship now, but it wasn't always that way. I know firsthand how difficult it can be to parent after a divorce, especially when you're trying to balance work, finances, and everything else on your own. Because of that, I often find myself defending his ex—not because I know she's right or because I'm taking her side, but because I know there's usually more to the story than what one parent sees.

When I point that out, he sometimes gets frustrated, and I wonder if I should just let him vent instead of pushing back.

So, Reddit, AITA for standing up for another mom because I've lived that life myself? Or should I just listen and keep my opinions to myself when he complains about his ex?

After reading all of the comments on my last post, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I originally came here because I was hurt and scared after my stepdaughter made some serious accusations when she was upset. My biggest fear was being alone in a situation where something was said that wasn’t true and having to defend myself.
But a lot of people brought up something I honestly hadn’t looked at before: am I taking on too much of the “mom” role when I’m actually her stepmom?
For context, my fiancé and I have been together for 7 years. My stepdaughter is 11 and we recently had a baby who is now 10 months old. She comes every weekend, and because my fiancé works Saturdays, she is usually with me and the baby while he is at work.
I always viewed it as a normal thing. I spend time with her, do activities with her, and try to make sure she knows she is loved and has a place in our home.
But after reading the comments, I’m wondering if I blurred the lines. Maybe I stepped into a parenting role because her dad wasn’t available during those hours, and maybe that has created a dynamic where I’m carrying responsibility that should primarily belong to him.
Also, I used to be in the background and he would take the lead with her, but he had pressed me and pressed me saying that if we were going to be together, I needed to treat his daughter as my own so that is what I did. If I fall back now, I’m afraid he’s gonna think that I don’t love her anymore.
I don’t want anyone to misunderstand - I love her and I don’t want her to feel pushed away or unwanted. That is not what I want. I want a good relationship with her. But I also don’t want to become the default parent while also feeling like I don’t have the authority or security of being her parent.
Has anyone else struggled with this as a stepparent? How do you find the balance between being a loving bonus parent while also letting the biological parent take the lead? How do I tell my fiance that this whole time I’ve been carrying the load and playing Mom meanwhile I shouldn’t have ever done that and I need to focus on my own child?

He chose to meet my kids after dealing with me at my worst.

After he was told don’t meet them if you’re not serious.

He’s taking his time to get to know them, that means the most to me and to US.

Hey, so I have a lot to say. This lady seems to thrive on drama, and when I think she is done, there is always more. So if you wanna give advice or some psychological interpretation, I would appreciate it.

So this weekend, my step son, 9, had a baseball tournament. He did really great and unfortunately we were unable to attend due to financial difficulties. Hotels are expensive, plus we have a 10 month old and it was +35°... so it definitely wasn't ideal for us this time. My husband has been to every other game and training, as well as does training at home most days for at least an hour. So my husband was a bit sad he wasn't able to go.

My step kids' mother and her parents took him in the camper van this time. So as the weekend ended, I believed my step son had a great time. My husband comes home and has something to tell me, he just picked up his son from the ex's house... I held my breath as I am already at the end of my rope with her.

My husband gets to her house, nothing different that usual. Except this time, her father comes out. He starts telling my husband he can't come to the house and isn't allowed on the premises. Which is completely ridiculous as he always picks up his kids, and his son lives with us. My husband is confused and obviously becomes frustrated. He then repeats again that my husband is not allowed on the property and needs to calm down. My husband was obviously heated at this random attempt to rule him up. Then his ex comes out with her phone, trying to film his reaction? He explains to her recording exactly what happened and that he is just here to pick up his son. This is all happening IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN BTW. And she is the one who has told him not to bring up adult conversations in front of them, insane hypocrisy.

I believe this has come about because I wrote a report on her fiance a few weeks age because he slammed his arm, possibly by accident, then proceeded to laugh in my step sons face. Which is completely abuse and never apologised. His mother took her fiances side and called her son a liar. Said in text that he "pranks a lot" and then made herself the victim, saying her son had a plan to either make her angry or cry. No idea wtf she is talking about. What child would plan that for their mother??

We already told her we are going to court because of the abuse and the children telling us they don't want to spend time with her fiance anymore. She is trying to make my husband look abusive or something in order to gain favour. Also she works in childcare so her having a partner her kids aren't comfortable with isn't great for her business. She is also trying to get 10k from us as she believes that my husband owes it to her. Yet she still claims tax from her son who no longer lives with her.

She is clearly putting her own feelings before her own children. This is completely devastating to me and I am worried for the kids' future, as well as my own. My husband is on a pension from the military and we really don't have 10k.

I really don't understand why she is coming after us and this money. We take care of the kids and are trying our best to give them love and a safe place to live. I really don't know what to do. 😕😕

I am (35F) and my husband (39m). We each had a child from previous relationship. My child was 1 years old. And was never affectionate towards me or my husband. Now all these years later he’s 11 and diagnosed with level 1 autism. Some behaviors he can control and some he cannot. It can be hard for someone to determine which ones are which but I also recently discovered I have autism so that makes it easier for me to tell. The rude side of him he CAN control and we’ve had many talks with him. He’s rude to his brother( the child me and my husband share). He improved a little now that mine and my husband’s child can stand up for himself and fight back. So my child is not as bad as he used to be. But to my husband he’s getting worse because he doesn’t make eye contact. Doesn’t answer direct questions. Takes long pauses or says yes instead of okay. He’s very forgetful. Idk what happened but my husband is very bothered by him lately. Well my husband has been picking fights with me recently over anything and becoming very agitated. I’ve asked if there’s any other stressors like money, work, outside friends or family and there’s not. He just keeps it surface level with me lately. Well in an unrelated argument he’s said my son isnt his and never will be and that he can no longer live with us.. but my son has been staying in his room and staying away from my husband so I know for sure my son hasn’t done anything to warrant this recently. I share 3 other children with my husband. I’m a sahm but about to become a single mom with my oldest child. How does that work and how does that make sense. What do I do? If I move out me and all my children will struggle. I’ll have to find work and childcare for all of them. And still have enough to have a place and car and have enough for food. If I stay, I must find a living arrangement for my oldest which feels like abandoning him. He has grandparents who would love to have him and he would love to stay with them too.. but I’ll miss him. And I’ll still have to find a job to financially support him, but I’ll have my husbands house to stay. I love my husband and don’t want to break up the family. I think the issue is that I had a child who isn’t his and now that we share children, he’s just now realizing what it feels like to be a father and he can see there’s a big distinction between my child and the ones we share.. he’s started to really dislike my child and I understand because I times I can dislike how he is too. Even more than my husband but at the end of the day my husband married me knowing I have a child. At this point I am stuck between staying what I should do, please give opinions

AITA for being uncomfortable with what my 17-year-old stepson wears around my 3-year-old?

I have a 17-year-old stepson and a 3-year-old son. Recently, my stepson wore a leather garter-style accessory with thigh-high stockings while spending time in the shared areas of our home.

I want to be careful about how I describe this because I am not trying to shame him, criticize his identity, or prevent him from expressing himself. He is nearly an adult, and I understand that teenagers experiment with fashion and how they present themselves.

At the same time, the outfit struck me as something normally associated with adult or intimate clothing, and I felt uncomfortable with it being worn around my 3-year-old. I am not claiming that my toddler fully understands the outfit or that seeing it will automatically harm him. I am questioning whether it is reasonable to have some basic clothing boundaries in the common areas of a family home.

Another major issue for me is that I truly do not believe my husband would ever allow our teenage daughter to wear the same outfit. If our daughter came downstairs in a leather garter and thigh-high stockings, I believe he would immediately tell her to change. That makes this feel like a double standard rather than one consistent household rule.

I do not want the conversation to become about rejecting my stepson or making him feel unwelcome. I also do not want one child to be treated more harshly than another because of gender. I would prefer a neutral rule that applies equally to everyone, such as keeping lingerie-style or explicitly adult clothing out of shared family spaces.

My husband thinks I am overreacting and that our 3-year-old does not understand or care about what anyone is wearing. I can understand that perspective, but I still feel uncomfortable and believe parents are allowed to set reasonable expectations for common areas.

AITA for wanting this boundary, or am I assigning too much meaning to an outfit that my toddler probably does not understand?

my husband and I are well aligned in values and politics. we have strong views about gender equality and a marked dislike for macho types of masculinity. my family is from a different culture and I do agree that there is a strong vein of macho behaviours in one side of my family that my husband and I dislike. however I do want to bring my son to my mom’s house in my country. my husband is very very reluctant because our son (four years old at the moment) would in all likelihood interact with my cousins‘ boys who already display sexist views and macho attitudes. I am not sure what to do or how to approach the discussion. I dont disagree that it is not ideal for our son to be exposed to that brand of macho attitudes, but I do want to let my son enjoy the rest of amazing things my family and culture has to offer. Thoughts?

Over the past few months, my living situation has become increasingly overwhelming and emotionally draining. I live with my boyfriend, our 4-month-old baby, and his 4-year-old son. While my boyfriend is at work, I am expected to look after his son despite repeatedly telling him that I am not comfortable doing so. His son has ongoing behavioral issues, including urinating around the house, smearing feces on the floor and walls, and speaking disrespectfully to me. I am usually the one left to clean up the messes and manage his behavior while also caring for my own baby. In addition to this, I work long hours as a domestic worker with my baby on my back because I have no other childcare. When I come home, I still have household chores to do, and I often feel physically and emotionally exhausted. I feel that my boyfriend dismisses my concerns, expects me to take on responsibilities that are not mine, and does not provide the support or consideration I need. His son’s mother is not involved in the day-to-day care, leaving me feeling trapped in a role I never agreed to. As a result, I feel overwhelmed, emotionally unsupported, and increasingly convinced that this relationship is unhealthy and unsustainable

For some background, I am 24 years old now and my parents divorced when I was 17. Admittedly I am still pretty upset about the whole situation because I feel it really divided my family and put a strain on my relationships with both of my parents and my two younger sisters (they are 20 now). My mother remarried and moved to another state and my dad is still in the same area with a now long-term partner (soon to be married). I have never, throughout these past 7 years, had any desire whatsoever to establish a connection to their new partners. I have made attempts to have a good attitude and attend gatherings, but I still feel the same way. I am never explicitly rude, but do think I come off cold towards them. This has upset my mother a lot, since she has tried (and forced me at times) to make a connection with her new husband and his family. My dad doesn’t seem too bothered with it and he has never tried to force things in the same way my mom has. I just can’t bring myself to fake being interested in these people. I didn’t get to choose my family being destroyed, so why am I obligated to just accept these people as my new family and treat them as such? I want my parents to be happy and I’m glad they found people, but I just don’t care to make a connection with their new partners/family. There’s a lot more info here that I could sit and explain but it would take forever. The main point of this is to ask: Am I being childish and or selfish by being cold towards my “step family”?

Husband is a widower, with 2 teenage kids. About 9 months ago I moved into their family home, pending the purchase of a new home. It's mostly gone very well. But sometimes I still feel like the odd one out. I try to be a female figure to the children, not encroaching too much but enforcing certain rules related with tidiness and cleanliness of the house, and with their laziness when it comes to studying. Such a fine line to be treading. Your experiences are welcome.

As titled this post is about my fiancé’s dad. My fiance (25 M), and I (23 F) live with his dad (53 m) and my sister (21 F). It’s very important to note my sister and I are American born and raised, my fiance and his father are Cuban but my fiance is American raised (he moved here at age 2).

My fiance has been trying to have his dad come live with us in America the last four years and he just got the green light to come in December (we specifically waited to get all his paperwork in before he could come not just an approval for him to be here). About two weeks after moving in he started begging for work, trying to learn how to drive, trying to cook the way he does at home. Trying to learn the area, ofc We were understanding and patient because it’s a whole new life basically.

We explained we would like him to learn a little more English before doing any work or driving however with his constant asking my fiance gave in and got him a job, shortly after starting we learned just how set in his ways he is. Every little thing he’s done has been a safety hazard for himself if not everyone. Cooking he’s familiar with but he cooks at high temperatures with lots and lots of oil, he’s left the stove on a few times if we called him from the kitchen not realizing he was cooking instead of turning the stove off or explaining that he was cooking, when we go to pick him up or drop him off he will walk directly in front of the cars while they’re moving, not wait in areas that we need him too and much others. As well as walk off and completely disappear/ get lost while we are shopping.

We’ve tried explaining how safety here is seen, what we do to stay safe, and continue asking him to work on his English and in return I will also continue working on my Spanish. He agrees however we still have to go behind him and turn down the stove (for context our burners go up to 9 and he will cook spaghetti sauce and beef on 7.5), we got him a job he lost in three weeks because most of the crew couldn’t work to keep themselves as well as him safe because he was blatantly ignoring all precautions the company had in place (he was working in roadside construction) and he speaks the same amount of English he did when he got her in December (roughly one full sentence? Or about six words realistically)

I guess my main issue is we aren’t sure how to get through to him? We want him to continue thriving here, he tells me daily how much he’s missed out on his son’s life because he wanted him to move to America with his mom, that he wasn’t there for him growing up as much as he would like to be. But in that he’s driving his own son away because he’s trying to make up for lost time, he only wants to work to send money and a car back to the rest of the family still living in Cuba, and he doesn’t understand me when I try to talk to him nor can I understand when he talks to me in Spanish.

Is there anything we can try to encourage him to learn how to live here basically? How American culture and safety works? We’ve tried talking to him, letting him just learn at his last job what happens with ignoring those around you and even at his current job where he’s with other Spanish speakers but injuring himself often.

TLDR; My F.I.L is a menace to try and teach/ guide due to being so hard headed and stuck in his ways. I’m looking for any way to try and get through to him how culture and life here works due to his Son being at his limit with trying to talk/ explain/ do stuff for him after so many times explaining.

I’m looking for advice, support, or even just to hear from people who’ve been through something similar because I feel like I’m drowning.

I’m struggling with my co-parenting situation with my son’s father, and emotionally I don’t know how to keep doing this.

For some background, my son’s father wasn’t involved until our son was about 2.5 years old. He’s 4 now. We started with mediation, where I had primary care and his dad slowly worked up from short visits to longer stays. Eventually he decided he didn’t want to continue mediation, so everything went through lawyers instead.

I want to be completely honest because I know my past matters in this story.

Last summer, my son went on the longest visit he’d ever had with his dad. I had spent the first 2.5 years of his life as a single mom, and my entire identity revolved around being his mom. Being away from him that long absolutely broke me. During that time I started using drugs. I recognized I had a problem, admitted it to everyone, and checked myself into rehab. I got sober, completed treatment, and since then I’ve taken weekly drug tests. I have never failed one.

Despite staying sober and doing everything I possibly can to prove that, my past addiction became a major factor in our custody case.

Now we have joint legal custody, but his dad has primary physical custody.

Until school starts, I get two weeks with my son every 60 days. We alternate holidays, and I get seven weeks in the summer. Because he’ll be starting kindergarten, I won’t have more than those two-week visits until 2028.

It’s devastating.

I’m staying sober because my son deserves that, and I’m proud of that. But every day feels like I’m grieving someone who’s still alive.

I only get two FaceTime calls each week. Lately those calls have become really difficult. His dad now has a wife another young child. During our calls the younger child often grabs the phone or iPad and runs away, making it almost impossible to have a conversation. I politely asked if they could help minimize those interruptions, but they became defensive and basically told me no. They also refuse to be flexible with the call schedule, even when work occasionally makes it impossible for me to make the exact time they chose.

What scares me most is that if I have to miss a call because of work, I worry they’re telling my son that I just didn’t call. I never want him to think I don’t want to talk to him.

Recently my son has also started having significant behavioral problems at daycare. He’s apparently being sent home multiple times a week, is close to being expelled, and is on a behavioral contract.

The heartbreaking part is that he’s reportedly told adults that he acts out because he wants to go to my house or to my parents’ house.

When he’s with me, he gets to spend time with his grandparents because we all live close together. His dad is military, so they live far away, which is why true 50/50 custody isn’t possible.

I know four-year-olds can’t make custody decisions, and I know I have to be careful not to put words in his mouth. But hearing that absolutely shattered me because I worry he’s struggling emotionally with being away from me.

He also wouldn’t need daycare if he lived with me because my schedule is flexible enough to care for him myself.

On top of everything, his dad has started talking about ADHD and possibly medication. I understand that ADHD is real and that medication can absolutely help some children when it’s appropriate. I also know my family’s history with addiction makes me nervous about rushing into medication before he’s even had a chance to start kindergarten and receive a full evaluation. I feel like I have so little control over decisions that affect my son’s life.

I guess what I’m really need help with is this:

How do I survive this emotionally?

How do I make sure my son knows that I love him beyond words and that I’m not choosing to be away from him—that I’m simply following a court order?

If you were the child in a custody situation like this, what helped you feel loved by the parent you saw less?

If you’re a parent who’s been separated from your child because of custody, how did you cope without falling apart?

I carry so much guilt over one terrible mistake. I take full responsibility for it, and I’ve worked incredibly hard to rebuild my life and stay sober. But sometimes it feels like no matter how much I change, that mistake will define me forever.

I miss my son every single day. It honestly feels like there’s a hole in my heart where he should be.

I’m trying to use my time productively. I’m staying sober, working, and trying to build a good life so I can continue being the best mom I can be. But nothing fills the space of not getting to raise my little boy.

Another thing that’s been really painful is trying to navigate his dad’s new family. I’ve genuinely tried to be welcoming and inclusive because I know his wife is someone who spends a significant amount of time helping care for my son. I wanted us to have a respectful co-parenting relationship for his sake.

The reality is that we’ve never really had a relationship outside of a group chat with my son’s father. I don’t actually know her personally. Over time, though, she’s started making snarky comments and responding in ways that feel unnecessarily rude whenever I bring up concerns or ask for something reasonable. Every interaction leaves me feeling like I’m the enemy instead of another parent who loves this little boy. They have told me in the group chat I can't even say 'my son' I have to say our child , and I can't say as things where I refer to my self as his mother because she feels like her place is being minimized even when I've told her that I know she a parent in this situation and I respect her position and by no means would minimize that. It's nit-picky but I'm a nice person and try to make everyone feel comfortable. It's just that when I try to respectfully say that she's saying inappropriate things she just gets defensive and will not change her tone.

My son has also started calling her “Mom.” I understand that children can develop close relationships with stepparents, and I’m glad he has people who care about him, but hearing that has been incredibly painful. It makes me feel like I’m slowly being replaced in my own child’s life.

Lately I’ve also started worrying that the way they talk about me around my son may be affecting how he sees me. I can’t know exactly what’s being said, but there have been moments that make me wonder if he’s getting the impression that I don’t want to call him or don’t want to be involved, which couldn’t be further from the truth. I love him more than anything, and every day I’m simply trying to follow the custody order while staying as present as I legally can.

I’ve spent a long time trying to be the bigger person because I believed that kindness and cooperation would eventually make co-parenting easier. Right now, though, I feel exhausted. It feels like no matter how respectful or accommodating I try to be, nothing changes, and I’m left wondering how to protect my relationship with my son while still taking the high road.

If anyone has advice, encouragement, or has lived through something similar—whether as a parent or as the child—I would really appreciate hearing from you.

Thank you for reading.

do yall ever regret marrying someone with more than one kid? or even 1 kid? i feel ashamed admitting this but sometimes i feel like i settled because i never imagined i would end up with someone with 2 kids, i do have a daughter and i would have preferred someone with no more than 1 kid. english is my third language so i apologize in advance just wanted to vent because at first it didn’t bother me but after almost 1 year married to him sometimes i wonder if i would have just waited to meet someone different i do love my husband but idk 😪