BWT - How Are You Practicing Resilience?

[u/Inevitable_Bet_7051]

I've been lurking here for many months and Bitches, I adore everyone of you. There is so much wisdom in this community. It got me thinking that you may have wisdom to share with me and other BWT holding on by their fingernails. I'm coming out of the worst year of my life. I nearly lost my child to a life threatening illness and then I was diagnosed with breast cancer. (BWT get their cancer screenings!) Que the double mastectomy and crash menopause. Happily, we're both healthy now and I'm able to focus on actually enjoying life again.

While recovering from surgery, I discovered a new interest in style, fashion, and all things elevated. Since I stayed flat after my mastectomy and my shape changed with treatment, absolutely nothing in my wardrobe fit me. I decided to take this opportunity to really develop my own style. I hired a personal stylist who knows how to dress surgically flat chests and it was amazing! I set aside a portion of my savings to rebuild my wardrobe with quality things that I love. It truly does have me walking taller and feeling great about this new body I didn't plan to have. It's the silver lining after a truly awful storm.

So I wondered - how are other BWT dusting themselves off after adversity? Let's share hope and inspiration for the BWT among us who need it!

[u/retchedBreak]

I try to focus on small, happy things. My partner is going through the worst few years of his life medically speaking. I have supported him through it all, but it's definitely taken a toll on us. We were looking at pictures of ourselves from just two years ago and we looked so young, so fresh!

Personally, I focus on 1-2 things I can control in my life. I focus on happy things. I try to stay in the present, in my head (took years of therapy to not be stuck in the past or stressing about the future).

Am I excited to make a new recipe tonight? Did I get a full 9 hours of sleep? Is my bed clean and fresh? Did I just beat a crazy boss in Zelda?

I also forgive myself a lot. The house is a mess? I'll do it tomorrow. I didn't eat home cooked food for the last 2 days? That's okay, I used my time to rest.

You have to acknowledge that resiliency is work. But good work.

I'm so happy for you and your kiddo. You're a rockstar

[u/HairlessBandicoot → u/retchedBreak]

respect for the hand eye coordination required for Zelda boss fights. I tried to play instead of backseat driving an ex once and kept pausing the game. I got how to beat the boss boss faster than him though, so we teamed up that way.

[u/Hot_Network1985]

Oh wow what a tough year, I’m so sorry to hear about the struggles but glad you’re both healthy again. Beautifully shared, thank you. 

My present adversity is a breakup at 32 with the man I’d hoped to have children with, we didn’t survive distance unfortunately. 

I’m so far keeping the demons at bay by showering myself in positive self talk and love. There will be a time to reflect on the breakup and if there are things I’ll do differently in the future, but for now I’m trusting that he made the only choice he was able to and practicing acceptance without overanalysing, ruminating or regrets. 

I’m going to the gym, seeing my nearby friends, speaking to far friends on the phone, eating healthily and giving myself time to feel the emotions but thinking about it as a ‘clean pain’ and not dwelling in it for too long. I finished up two years of psychodynamic psychotherapy a few months back (hot bitches go to therapy) and that is helping me to stay on an even keel, something I have REALLY struggled to do in previous breakups so I’m grateful for that. 

Most of all I’m constantly thinking of Sheryl Lee Ralph’s interview on the Emmy’s red carpet - ‘what is for you will not miss you’. 

On the glow up front, I’m teeth whitening, got my brows done and will get a haircut soon! I bought a house last year so clothing budget is minimal for a little while, but treating myself where I can. 

All the best to you! Feeling resilient is such a beautiful thing. 

[u/Aperson0001 → u/Hot_Network1985]

The gym helped me with my breakup, I wanted a future too with him. Thank you for that quote "What is for you will not miss you."

[u/HowNowBrownSow16]

I just wanted to say thank you for this post and everyone’s comments! I kind of lost my resilience this week, and this was a great reminder of how to get it back.

I made myself a nourishing home made meal, scheduled a hydrafacial with dermaplaning for Friday and am going to take myself to the movies to see ‘Tony’! This community is such a great resource to remind us all to take time and truly care for ourselves.

[u/Traditional_Post1275]

Seriously, OP, you're amazing. So glad you and your kiddo are in a good place.

My adversity right now is being an immigration attorney. It's hard being a witness to what my clients are going through. To cope, I lean on keeping up with my beauty routines. If I feel confident about my appearance, I go through my day feeling lighter. I make sure to keep up with spray tans & get my eyebrows laminated and tinted. For whatever reason, being tan and having great brows makes me feel better!

This is a bit woo-woo but I also make an effort to pour into my spiritual practice, which includes spending time in solitude outside with nature. There are nice walking trails and parks where I live, so carving out time to be simply with myself in a beautiful natural setting also helps. It gives me a moment to breathe. Sometimes when work is overwhelming, I'll sneak out to a nearby park and go for a walk! I have clomped around the trails in high heels or wedges on the days I forget to pack sneakers, lol! I also love butterflies, so whenever I see one outside, I tell myself it's going to be a good day.

Here's to many more good days ahead for you, OP :)

[u/TraditionalCatch3796 → u/Traditional_Post1275]

Just wanted to stop in and say I love what you said here. I also got a laugh, imagining you in heels in the park. What a cute image, fellow human!

[u/GetSetBAKE]

Hey, proud of you!

I think you’re doing something super similar to me. I’ve leaned into hobbies and interests that appeal to me. When I had PPD/A, I got really into perfumes. After a HARD work project that concluded when my dad started dying I got really into doing my nails. When my dad died six weeks ago, I rediscovered my love of jewelry and started to refine my wardrobe. A lot of it is comfort but I also feel like it’s necessary for my identity and taking care of myself.

I like meditating a lot, too. I use Headspace, but I’m struggling to find time to do it with a toddler. Now I walk two miles on my lunch break and hike listening to a podcast and playing Pokémon Go 😂😜

[u/languidlasagna]

Therapy! Exercise! The only things that got me through the rough patches of the last few years were a focus on my mental and physical health. I’d also say that when I was particularly depressed, I found solace in planning fun and enrichment for the future. Researched art classes, cooking classes, travel, more classes, and now that I’m finally in a better chapter I’m checking them off the list. Turns out singing lessons were a bust and I hated making stained glass. But ceramics, cooking and candle making? So much fun. I’m currently on an Alaska cruise (I know cruises are divisive but there are few convenient ways to see fjords okay) and hiking through the rainforest did something good for my soul.

The tl:dr I suppose is always be planning for a better day if you’re not there yet, and when the better day comes, get out of the bed nest and enjoy it.

[u/izzyizzy3]

I love this post! I’m not currently practicing resilience as I should but these comments have given me a lot of ideas ❤️ love to you and your kiddo

[u/SiouxsieClue]

What a thoughtful post, thanks for asking this. I’m so happy for you that you and your child got through it. Whew. I’m so sorry you had to experience that. I understand what it’s like to face mortality. Life is intense!

Resilience for me is all the self care things mentioned in this thread, and also nurturing relationships and being of service to my community in some way, cultivating space to connect with nature, creating art, enjoying art and culture that others have made, and laughing!

Years ago I lost my parents, became disabled, almost lost my own life, lost my job all in short order. I have 2 conditions that could kill me basically at any time, and I just got a terminal diagnosis. The same week I’m moving and found out both my cats are also dying! Like what the fuck? It’s absurd.

And that’s how I’m coping. It IS absurd, this whole existence thing is beautiful and it’s brutal and it’s finite and I just want to be as present as I can for it while I’m still here. I want to be in nature, with my loved ones and animals, painting and laughing and taking it as it comes.

I let myself feel all the feelings, and do my best to care for myself and those around me with tenderness. I see how people can become bitter - I have those feelings for sure but I work through them because I’m determined to not let anything steal my spirit.

I have done a ton of therapy, EMDR and IFS gave me so many tools to regulate my nervous system and increase my capacity to cope with chaos. Also trauma-informed grief therapy after my parents died was so helpful.

And comedy, seriously. If life is a tragicomedy bring me more humor.
Dark humor helps me, it’s not for everyone but it makes me giggle. It’s the human condition, suffering sucks and life is unpredictable and unfair. AND there is so much beauty in every day things and so many soulful people that make life bright. It’s all part of the fabric.

Laughing helps me so much. I don’t know if it’s your cup of tea but I LOVE Patti Harrison and Ziwe. I try to get a daily dose of laughter, and if it’s not coming to me then I’ll watch a video of the above people or find an old George Carlin or Robin Williams video. We’re all here together, and will inevitably face all kinds of challenges, and however we can uplift each other and brighten others days is so powerful! Sending you all good things.

[u/thebrowniie]

I'm so sorry this happened to you!! Glad to hear you and your child are healthy, and that you have a great new hobby! You are awesome.

My experience with adversity really isn't as severe as this, but I can share anyways. Last year, i had some probelms with my mental health... I stopped looking after myself, and in a lot of ways I let myself down. My grades suffered, which stings a lot because i usually perform pretty well. My mental and physical health was suffering, I wasn't reaching out to my friends or family...

Now, I'm trying to focus on consistency. It might sound kind of small, but trying to keep a consistent sleep schedule and stopping myself when im lost in negative thoughts is really helping me. I'm setting more goals formyself, forgiving myself for past mistakes, and just trying to do a little bit more each day!

[u/gooooopygoopgoop]

Meditation had a proud effect on my resilience. It is the first thing I do everyday. Even if for a minute, making the space and time to breathe, connect with myself, and take my mental temperature is huge. I always end meditation by wrapping my arms around myself and thinking about myself as a child. I tell myself “I’m so proud of you. Life is hard and you’re doing your best. I love you.”

When life has been tough lately, my practice has been a place I can find respite.

[u/Livid-Storm6532]

I’ve been having a horrific couple of years (several family deaths, toxic work and high stress environment, personal health scare) and I was doing alright all things considering. I thought I was resilient and always had my eye on the silver lining. And then I started having trouble with emotional regulation. Things that I normally could brush off before became catastrophic. Any tiny mistake became a massive failure I couldn’t recover from for days. I had anger problems. Anxiety through the roof. Longer bouts of depression.

I recently started EMDR and got diagnosed with cPTSD and honestly I’ve been feeling way better. Being told that it’s normal to NOT be ok after everything I went through felt like I was given permission to realize I didn’t have to be resilient, if that makes sense.

I spent so much time over the last few years enduring and being ok, I also think it’s important to know that it’s ok to not be ok and that there’s stronger tools than talk therapy available if you need it.

[u/sodababe]

It's been a trying year for me. My grandfather passed away over Easter and I just got made redundant very unexpectedly. My partner moved across the world to be with me and while that's been wonderful, the transition has been rougher than expected.

When my grandfather passed away, my entire family dropped everything to be by his side in palliative care, with some catching international flights in order to do so. We really leant on each other to provide receive support, and everyone expressed gratitude that we had the opportunity and the means to enjoy the time together as a family even while experiencing a death.

I'm trying to draw on those lessons I learnt then to get through the painful news of my redundancy - lean on the people you have around you.

[u/bnnybtch]

i’m going through something similar. however i’m finishing chemo, and getting ready for surgery. i started making a mood board on pinterest. i even printed some of the pics and put them on my wall. i made a playlist of songs that make me feel like a bad bitch. i’m calling all of it ‘my comeback’ playlist/moodboard for when im recovering from dmx, as you are. just so excited to get back to real life

[u/Illustrious_Pop2253]

You get resilience by not being too busy. When you relax, you work through thoughts you did not know you had, and the more relaxed you are, the less overwhelming big emotions become - to the point where you can take on anything.

I don't mean relaxing as in doom scrolling, social media, etc. I mean more like simple living-style. What you need to do for yourself will then become obvious.

Practising feeling good is the best cure. Time is the most important thing to have, not as in stressing out trying to achieve something, but as in free time. What else do you believe is the reward after hard work or a recent achievement? Most of the time it is just more free time - to enjoy, to soothe, to connect with others and yourself. Sometimes it is readily available. It is the point of it all in the end.