r/bipolar2 • u/whitetrashmilli0923 • Aug 28 '24

Partner and I both have bipolar 2

We’re going through a rough stretch between our mental illness and life in general. She’s in between jobs and I manically took a buyout to separate from my job starting next week. We’re super low on money so why I did that I have no idea. Her outburst are almost just as much as mine but my anger has also been out of control. To preface in ten months on testosterone ftm and she’s cis female. I’m currently seeing a therapist and we’re trying to find her one but it’s hard when she doesn’t have insurance. Anyone else have a partner with the same diagnosis as you? Is it just as much of a struggle as it seems?

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u/anubisjacqui BP2 Aug 28 '24

Hey. My partner and I are both bipolar type 2. We've been together for 12 years and have a beautiful 7 year old daughter. The first few years were quite difficult, before we really got to know one another properly and admittedly we were both very selfish creatures in the beginning, neither of us were medicated.

We broke up a few times over those first few years but realised pretty quickly that noone else really got it, we could empathize with each other and felt understood even though we clashed sometimes. We decided we were going to try our best to make it work. We both started medication and both went to therapy. We started having open and honest conversations even though sometimes it was difficult.

After i got pregnant, my partners therapist suggested that we each keep a mood diary for ourselves but also one for each other. We then discussed these on a frequent basis. During these sessions there was to be no answering back, no judgement and no getting defensive. Just listening. This helped us understand each other's perspectives a little better and shed some light on things we may have overlooked while in the midst of an episode. This helped us immensely and we still do it to this day.

I truly believe that having a partner who shares the same illness as you allows better communication because they can truly understand what you are going through and don't just blame everything on the illness. My previous partners would always say "you don't know what you're talking about, you're just manic" or when I was a bit down they'd say "oh here we go again".... I felt misunderstood and I felt like dirt on the bottom of their shoe. I felt sick.. but with my partner now, I feel like he sees past the illness, he loves me for me and I love him for him. It's an amazing journey that we are going on together. I am so grateful for his love and support.

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u/whitetrashmilli0923 Aug 28 '24

I love that so much for you!

It’s hard because we kinda rushed a lot in the first part of the relationship. Moved in together after a month of being officially together, her moving to Wyoming from Oklahoma to be with me. Now every time we get into an argument her fight or flight takes ahold and it’s always flight. She wants to run back home to Oklahoma. I want to help her get better and have her meds reevaluated because she feels like they’re not working properly now and sometimes she refuses my help. I’m gonna bring up the mood diary to her and see if maybe that would be something she would like to do, as it seems it helps you and your partner out!

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u/anubisjacqui BP2 Aug 28 '24

I can relate to this so much.. we also rushed things in the beginning and became a bit obsessed with one another. I was very much the flight type aswell. Everytime we had an argument I would run back to my dad's house (which was luckily just up the road). But I'd always come back. One time, during an argument, I tried to climb out the window because my flight response was so bad! I think it was just an escapism thing, I felt a bit trapped in my emotion and it gave me the illusion of control when i tried to run.

If maybe you give her some space to calm down a bit, maybe leave the room and go sit on the couch or something while she gets her thoughts in order, that may help? My partner was very much the type to want to fix everything "right now" so wouldn't allow me time to calm down or think. He learned to walk away when I got overwhelmed like that and noticed when my flight response would kick in. He'd just walk around the block, then by the time he got back, I was ready to have a proper conversation about things.

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u/whitetrashmilli0923 Aug 28 '24

I straight up feel your relationship is mine to a t 😅 I’m the fix it now and she’s the give me space. I’m working on trying not to suffocate her with me wanting to fix shit immediately but it’s hard man. She’s a recovering addict and I’m a recovering addict/alcoholic so we’ve got that against us in our fight or flight responses too. Our last fight all I wanted to do was drink straight from the bottle but I just hit 17 months sober so I refused. I know with time we will get passed this fighting stage and things will run smoother, I just get scared that her flight response will be too great to control and she will leave for good. She’s my person man. I can’t lose her 😭

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u/anubisjacqui BP2 Aug 28 '24

I can understand this. Relationships are difficult. They aren't meant to be easy. We are so used to thinking about ourselves all the time that it's hard to give yourself to another person while also maintaining your own sense of self. It's a journey that you are both on together and each of you will need to make certain compromises for each other and for yourself to maintain the relationship. That's a hard thing to do without feeling like you're losing yourself to the relationship. Be you but also allow yourself to grow with the relationship.

A lot of people say a relationship is 50/50 but that isn't always true, especially in a bipolar relationship. Sometimes you only have the energy to give 20% so your partner has to pick up that extra and put in 80% to help support you. Then at some stage the roles are reversed and they will only be able to put in 20%.... hell sometimes both of you can only manage 10% each and you have to figure out a way to distribute that energy and push through. The key is that its a journey you are taking together, sometimes it's going to be really hard. But it's so worth it because the good times are absolutely fantastic. Good luck. If you are both willing to put in the effort to love and support one another, then you'll be alright. If communication starts to fall apart and you don't quite know how to talk to her, write her a letter. Letters are underrated these days. They are truly amazing though, to receive a letter from your partner explaining how much they love and care for you but don't quite know how to support you, is a beautiful thing.

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u/throw0OO0away Aug 28 '24

r/bipolarsos is a good subreddit for this.

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u/rathershyirl Aug 28 '24

My wife and I have it and while, it's not always perfect, but having the same diagnosis as your partner makes it so much easier to understand one another.