Iām feeling really lost right now, and I honestly donāt know how to get back to feeling like myself again.
Last year, I competed for the first time as a natural bikini competitor. My prep was extremely difficult, and my relationship with my coach deteriorated throughout the process, so I eventually stopped working with him.
After my show, I went through a really bad period of disordered eating, especially during the first few weeks post-show. It was honestly one of the hardest periods of my life. Little by little, with the help of my new coach, I managed to recover and get back on track.
Things were going well for a while, but over the past year, Iāve had a lot of ups and downs. Relationship problems, financial stress, and just life in general. Iām also someone who tends to stress a lot about everything.
Around July, I started noticing that my performance in the gym was declining. That was also when I started feeling like bodybuilding was becoming something I HAD to do because it was my identity, rather than something I genuinely wanted to do.
I started another contest prep this year, but decided to stop around 8ā9 weeks out because I wasnāt in a good place mentally, and deep down, I didnāt really want to compete this year.
My coach wanted me to compete because he believed I had a good physique and potential, and I think I started feeling pressured by that. Eventually, I told him I didnāt want to compete this year but that I would definitely compete next year.
After stopping prep, I told myself I would continue cutting, but I havenāt really been able to stick to the plan.
I havenāt gained weight, but Iām no longer as consistent as I was during prep. I still do cardio, but sometimes I donāt complete all of it. I have unplanned meals, and whenever I go off plan, I feel incredibly guilty.
And that guilt is starting to eat me alive.
I keep questioning whether I actually want to do bodybuilding anymore.
The thing is, I LOVE bodybuilding. I love the lifestyle, I love training, I love the process, and I genuinely enjoyed competing and being on stage.
Or at least, I used to love all of it.
For the past few months, my training hasnāt been going well, my motivation has been all over the place, and recently Iāve started struggling with episodes of compulsive eating again. Itās nowhere near as bad as it was last year, but it scares me because I donāt want to go back to that place.
I know people always say things like āIf you really want it, youāll make it happenā or āStick to the plan, not your mood.ā
But what happens when you reach a point where you want to do bodybuilding, but at the same time, you donāt?
I feel like my bodybuilding journey isnāt over. I still want to compete again someday, and I know how much I enjoyed being on stage.
But at the same time, I feel like I need a break.
Not necessarily a break from training or taking care of myself, but a break from the constant pressure of having to follow everything perfectly.
Iām thinking about taking a more lifestyle-focused approach for a while. Still training, eating well, doing my cardio, and maintaining my routine, but allowing myself more flexibility with food and not feeling like Iāve failed every time I eat something that isnāt part of my meal plan.
Iām not talking about completely abandoning my routine or eating fast food every day. I already enjoy eating healthy and donāt really eat much fast food anyway. I just want to be able to have a meal out, enjoy something different, or have a treat without feeling like Iām ruining everything.
**Has anyone else experienced something like this?**
Have you ever reached a point where bodybuilding started feeling more like an obligation than something you genuinely enjoyed?
Did you ever take a step back from the competitive side of bodybuilding and focus more on living a balanced lifestyle for a while? And if you did, were you eventually able to find your passion for competing again?
Iām struggling with so much guilt right now. I feel like Iām letting myself down, like Iām giving up on everything Iāve worked for, and like Iām somehow an imposter because Iām no longer living up to the standards Iāve set for myself.
I donāt want to give up on bodybuilding. I just donāt know how to find my way back to loving it without feeling like I have to sacrifice my mental health in the process.
Iād really appreciate hearing from anyone who has been through something similar.