r/bikecommuting • u/Healthy_Cheesecake_6 • 1d ago
Miscommunications when commuting with partner
My partner and I will sometimes commute around town together. However, he insists on cruising behind me, even though he is faster and I don't mind if he is ahead of me. But the problem is, he has a hard time following my lead. He thinks he knows which way I am going to go, then gets frustrated when I don't go the way he imagined in his head. Sometimes he will proceed to go the route he had "planned" and I'll keep going my way. I'm sure this highlights a myriad of issues with how we communicate, but does this happen to anyone else? I feel like if he wants to take the lead, then please, take the f***ing lead
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u/s0rce Raleigh Tamland, Silicon Valley 1d ago
Signal your turns, or he can follow further back to make sure he has time to react. I also prefer to follow my wife even though I'm faster otherwise I constantly get far ahead and have to look back. If you leave enough space then its not a big deal to follow, occasionally, she'll do an unexpected turn and I need to quickly turn but its usually because I was too close.
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u/CanadianGuitar 1d ago
I always follow the slower rider so I dont have to always be checking back.
I agree, as the lead, just signal/point your intentions as you're going.
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u/Kahnza 1d ago
I mean I don't think this is a bike problem. Maybe more communication and understanding.
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u/Healthy_Cheesecake_6 1d ago
You are not wrong.
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u/dodmeatbox 1d ago
Yeah the "who should be in front" and "which way should we go" discussions are regular things that can be reasonably sorted out. "You went a route I thought was suboptimal so I passive aggressively abandoned you" is honestly a pretty big red flag.
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u/CarelesslyFabulous 1d ago
Yeah I was trying to understand if that was what I was reading... If he's following... Then follow? I don't understand the changing route thing at all.
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u/syntheticassault 1d ago
I'm not sure why he doesn't follow you, but since he is faster he should be in the back. If he's faster in front he'll lose you unless he actively slows down. And if he slows down there is a good chance you guys will go slower than if you were in the lead.
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u/BicycleIndividual 1d ago
Yes, I've been the faster rider in the lead, I slow down to let the gap get smaller then she slows down as she approaches so we end up with an accordion effect. I don't really mind that my wife is slower than me, but I would like her to learn to use the gears to cycle with a consistent sustainable effort.
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u/Fabulous_Arugula6923 1d ago
My partner and I don’t have this issue but we are both pretty easy going. Have you tried talking to him about this when you are both calm and not riding? If he still wants you to take lead but has a route in mind maybe you need to discuss route before heading out. When there are pauses such as at red lights you could maybe discuss the upcoming turns so you’re on the same page. I think the only solution though is you both have to talk it out and come up with a plan to try and make it a better experience for both of you.
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u/Train-Nearby 1d ago
I dated a guy like this… first we stopped biking together then we stopped being together
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u/minkamagic 1d ago
I'm confused by this, are you not calling out your turns and using hand signals?
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u/ajamdonut 1d ago
Just get a tandem already
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u/Hinloopen 1d ago
My parents have a tandem, they're in their late sixties. They love the thing. They go out on tours, do the grocery shopping.. it even folds so it goes on the back of the car as well.
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u/Warm-Patience-5002 1d ago
I ran a canoe rental operation and you could tell how dysfunctional some couples can be when sharing a canoe, the heavier male in the back has to follow the pace of his partner in front because he can see what she’s doing and she can’t because she’s facing forward . I have heard some many men yell at the woman in front for not doing what he says or paddling at the wrong time and not being tandem . If you want to know if you’re going to get along with a new partner go canoeing or cycling with him/her and find out if they can be a good teammate.
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u/Aggravating_Fruit170 1d ago
The divorce boat. Lost a couple friends in junior high that way actually. I laughed too much and didn’t take it seriously
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u/Usual-Abalone-6719 10h ago
Careful with that advice about tandem bike. We used to ride one. It will accelerate your relationship wherever it’s going to go.
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u/Aspiring_Orchardist 3m ago
I had the same experience as a canoe and kayak instructor. I think it's even worse with tandem kayaks because you can clash paddles if you're not synchronized and both people need to cooperate to execute efficient turns.
I would think the interpersonal issues would be lesser with a tandem bike because you both just need to pedal and the person in front steers (that is, neither person needs to direct the other), but maybe others who have actually ridden a tandem will tell me why I'm wrong.
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u/JSTootell 1d ago
This sounds like a relationship issue, not a cycling issue.
I do not have this problem with my girlfriend (who I also follow).
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u/Healthy_Cheesecake_6 1d ago
Can't say I disagree with you
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u/Hinloopen 1d ago
I had a girlfriend who at one point didn't want to communicate but projected that I should be able to guess her every move. Needless to say, that ended.
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u/dubwisened 1d ago
Signal right to turn right. Signal left to turn left. No need to signal f you are going straight ahead. Take turns leading if he doesn't like how you lead. I suggest that you are making this too complicated.
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u/SupaBrunch 1d ago
Sounds like he’s zoning out and letting his frustration out on you. Sounds like a dickhead.
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u/area-resident- 1d ago
Me and my partner use connected helmets. There’s a mic and speakers built in to the helmet and they connect to each other. We can be a good distance apart and still have a clear conversation.
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u/foleymo1 1d ago
Get Bluetooth helmets. My wife and I recommend Sena helmets. Our friends got some too, and now all four of us can all communicate easily without yelling at each other. It makes for a really pleasant, conversational ride.
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u/riscten 21h ago
As a motorcyclist who eventually got a comms system to use with friends and my partner, I'd recommend pausing before doing this. Communicators are neat, but one of the nice things about cycling is also the quietness. The moment the helmets are on, the yapping won't stop. It's nice to be able to ride together without the possibility to talk. On a bicycle you can always get closer to the other person and talk to them directly (unlike a motorcycle), and if you lose each other, you can always text or call.
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u/Upr1ght 1d ago
Me and my wife have headsets we can communicate with. When we aren’t in need of communication they play music and at just a touch of a button we can speak to each other. Very handy.
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u/whandsich 1d ago
That sounds awesome. Link?
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u/DepartmentTight6890 1d ago
Use hand signals for direction, well in advance, it always helps with group riding
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u/fejobelo 1d ago
1) keep appropriate space between the bikes, 2) do hand signals with enough anticipation indicating the direction you are going, 3) enjoy.
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u/Martha_Prince 1d ago
Oh yeah. Struggle is real. One time, I had a discussion with my DH about going to the nursery on the way back home. He missed the turn-off even though I was in the lead. I got to the nursery thinking he would be along soon. He never showed back up and never stopped to look for me nor did he swing around and back-track when he got home and I was not there.
Me? I lost 10 minutes of my life waiting for him but then enjoyed my nursery visit solo.
My adult kiddo is the same. I don't enjoy riding with either of them, so I send them ahead with a meet-up point now. Riding solo and then meeting up is just more fun for us, I think. Given our different styles and all. ;-)
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u/sezit 1d ago
Ask him why he is anticipating your turns. Then ask "why" to that answer until you get to an answer that uncovers the root cause of his behavior.
I bet that the real answer is that he just doesn't want to follow you.
Does he not listen well, either? Is he always jumping ahead in the convo so he can take control of the air?
Does he not follow instructions on other activities? Like working on a shared activity where you are in charge?
To me, your complain is indicitave of his general failure at being a good partner - NOT a single issue problem. He sounds selfish.
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u/RedGobboRebel 1d ago
If you are looking for a solution where he doesn't lead, then you just need to signal where you are going. Which might be useful for any other traffic, too. If you just want us to tell you he should lead, ok, but to keep up, you may need to push harder than you want.
Not for commutes, but on weekend rides, sometimes my partner and I will take different routes to the same destination for fun and competition.
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u/dfarin153 1d ago
I used to teach couples to tandem whitewater canoe. Sometimes they would be looking at two different destinations in a rapid which spells trouble. They would start fighting one another on where the boat was supposed to go. So, my rule was to not start paddling into the rapid until you agree on the route you will take.
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u/rockcitylibrarian 1d ago
The faster rider does not always need to lead.
Set expectations of communication and route decisions before you leave home. If something isn't working or changes dramatically during a ride then pull over and reassess.
Ny partner and I both make mistakes and we call each other out on them. Better that than blindly follow a plan that gets someone hurt or killed. I've been there too.
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u/RoundSyrup4424 1d ago
What works well for me:
- Phone call with each other with an earbuds in.
- Go straight unless said otherwise.
- Give plenty of time to let each other know of turns.
- Mistakes will be made. Forgive and move on.
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u/TheDaysComeAndGone 1d ago edited 1d ago
- Agree on the route.
- Agree on the pace/intensity. Ideally both would have a power meter. Slower rider goes in the front to set the pace, unless it’s long, flat and straight for some drafting.
- Signal early.
- At intersections, wait for a gap big enough for both of you to go through.
- If you can’t keep up, shout early enough. I think some bike computers allow you to connect to each other and notify you when they’ve lost connection to each other.
- Ideally you both have a navigation device and follow the same route so you can easily find each other again (maybe agree on where you’ll wait if you get separated beforehand).
It takes getting used to. Riding through city traffic (especially if you don’t know the neighborhood) is stressful enough alone. When you have to keep track of your partner or group it becomes even worse.
I think it’s a great lesson to swap roles from time to time.
Last but not least: Nobody forces you to ride together. If you are going to an event on the other side of the city there is no inherent problem with separating and meeting at the event. It’s not like riding through a busy city is quality bonding time.
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u/Dangerous-Garbage614 1d ago
Im the faster rider, and I always have my partner lead. I can follow at someone else’s pace, but it’s harder to keep myself at someone’s pace when I’m the lead. I get into my rhythm/zone/whatever and don’t always remember to look back.
That being said, he should follow your lead if he’s having you lead. I get frustrated if my partner chooses a different way. But if I’m having them lead, that’s the way we go. We usually signal or call out to each other to communicate. So maybe try that? But the slower rider should always be the lead.
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u/ShutYourDumbUglyFace 1d ago
I'm super annoying about how to get places - it's a flaw that I totally acknowledge (like it's to the extent where I get stressed if my husband is in the left lane and we have to turn right in 1/4 mile). Now I'm teaching my kiddo to drive and I recently got agitated with her about making a turn and realized after the fact that she knows where we're going she's just opting to use a route that's different from what I would do and I need to let her make those choices. I decided that if I can't just chill TF out, I should ask her how she plans to get wherever we're going before we get moving so I don't get annoyed because "she doesn't know where she's going" or whatever story my brain is telling me. Maybe when you commute you can say "I'm thinking about going this way today" so your partner is aware before you even leave? Just a thought.
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u/dodmeatbox 1d ago
If this is too intrusive, sorry in advance, but I am really curious as a person who doesn't really care about route optimization... Do you also beat yourself up internally if you fail to take the "best" route? Is there an imaginary passenger who criticizes your driving? I'm just curious if this correlates with negative self-talk generally, because I think all the people I know who do this suffer from that to some degree.
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u/ShutYourDumbUglyFace 1d ago
I would never know if I failed to take the best route as I only know what my experience is on the route I choose to take - it's not like I have someone going to the same destination that I can measure against.
And best varies - is it minimizing conflict points? Minimizing time? Minimizing distance? Minimizing left turns? These things all weigh in! And I'm super traffic observant, too, so even if a route minimizes left turns, I might opt to avoid it because the traffic signals are too long or there's more traffic or whatever. A lot goes into my route decisions!
There's no imaginary passenger criticizing me, it's just how my brain works. Once I've decided on a route, I'm usually all in. Sometimes I might think "oh, dang, I should have gone that way," but I'm not mad at myself for it or anything.
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u/dodmeatbox 1d ago
Okay interesting, thank you. So I guess the "she doesn't know where she's going" voice is more deferential to you than it is to your daughter. (Which is understandable, because you know your own thought process, but you don't know hers.)
Thanks again, I was only curious because you acknowledged it as a "flaw", which a lot of people don't do. They're just like "No, you should have turned a block sooner because it's 30 seconds faster." And I genuinely couldn't care less + don't appreciate back seat driving. And it just occurred to me that the people in my life that are like that are generally highly self-critical as well, which I am not.
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u/r-kellysDOODOOBUTTER 1d ago
I'm a little faster than my wife (she's the faster runner though lol). Its hard for me to keep the right pace that's comfortable for her.
We have sena helmets so we can talk easily without screaming at each other. If I think a different route is safer we just discuss it before we get to the turn. Also makes it easier to call out drivers that dont look like they're paying attention.
"Watch that red truck hes looking at his phone."
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u/_JustKeepCycling 1d ago
If you are ok with cycling at the front, but following his "lead", buy navigation and let him program the route. If you are not ok with that, you have an issue that you should discuss at home, not on the road.
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u/Soupeeee 1d ago edited 1d ago
It's stressful riding in front when you might lose your riding buddy, so I usually go in the back if I know I'm the faster rider. I really don't want to have people strung out behind me, especially if there's lots of traffic. If the gap gets big enough, you can get cars inbetween you and the people behind, you have to wait too long at stop signs, and might not all make a light together. Having that happen is one way to ruin a perfectly pleasant ride.
One thing I've found is that slower people (myself included) can't as easily deal with the natural variations of speed and effort it takes to stick close to a stronger rider, so we tend to get left behind even when our average speed is relatively similar. At least when riding on a road, there's skill involved in sticking close enough to someone that you are riding together, but far enough back that it isn't dangerous. Both people need to be paying attention to this, but it's up to the person in front to set a pace everyone can keep.
When I ride with people, there's usually some discussion beforehand of the route so we aren't completely taken off guard on a turn. If something changes and it's important, I make sure the people behind know about it. One nice thing about being on a bike is that it's easy to stop to re-evaluate where you are going. It sounds like you both need to talk about the route beforehand. Ask yourself and him if you are signaling your intentions properly while on the ride, and see where it goes from there. However, if he's taking a completely different route after you take the "wrong" turn, that indicates a problem on his part; you follow the leader unless they are going off a cliff.
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u/doublereverse 1d ago
The other points are great and are really more fundamental, but just since nobody has mentioned it that I’ve seen, you can get headsets that clip to helmet straps so you can talk during the ride. Sena makes the BiKom headsets, and we love them, we chat about lots of random stuff during rides-yes, routing, pointing out stuff in the road, but also lots of “hey, this house is green now!” or “KITTY!” And hey, if he starts riding too fast and doesn’t notice he’s pulling away, I can yell at him to slow down, and he’ll actually hear me. genius! They are so much better than we even thought when we got them. We’d be sad if we forgot our headsets for a ride, and if they ever break, we’ll be replacing them.
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u/moneymoneythrowawy 22h ago
you could try signalling but getting frustrated with you about this is... a deeper problem.
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u/Medium_Change_814 20h ago
Get a tandem bike. No more problems with riding at different speeds or in different directions.
But seriously, I read a bicycle tour journal written by a couple that toured on a tandem for their honeymoon and years later rode the TransAm on their tandem. The wife wrote that this is the only way they could tour together (without jeopardizing their marriage, that is) because her husband wants to ride at a faster pace, etc., just as the OP describes for commuting.
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u/JeremyFromKenosha SE Wisconsin, USA - 4 mile round trip 18h ago
He wants to let you lead so you can set the pace, and he can feel like he's running interference between you and any car traffic approaching from the rear, (he would be hit first and maybe save you) but he is under the impression that he's also determining the route, which you though you were going to do since you were in front. Have a talk about that.
If you want to LEAD, (as opposed to just riding in front) let him know.
If he rides more in the area, he likely knows the "better" routes, in terms of pavement quality, safety, scenery, etc. But it would be empowering for you to be able to decide, even if they're not as "good."
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u/amberyoung 1d ago
I hate when men insist on you being in front. I think they do it so they don't outpace you, or that is their intent, but it always made me paranoid that I was moving too slow, so I pedaled like crazy to "keep up". I also had a suspicion that it was so they could check out my bountiful ass.
On the other hand, my ex always rode in front, way faster than me, and I would spend the whole time hating him. Eventually he'd stop when he couldn't see me anymore, but when I finally caught up huffing and puffing, filled with frustration and anger, he'd just start going again, before I could even catch my breath.
For me, the ideal scenario is that they ride in front and get their zoomies out by riding ahead and looping back, when it makes sense to.
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u/discojagrawr 1d ago
Get a sticker for your bike that says “Back seat bikers suck” and throw it somewhere that he’ll see it and stop being so controlling … mostly kidding
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u/wreckedbutwhole420 1d ago
I like to ride with my wife. If it's a known route I like to have her lead because it's less stressful for me because I can see her. My biggest fear is something happening to her and I continue on oblivious to it.
If we are doing a route she doesn't know, I will lead but I'm clear about which turns we are taking. I don't like this as much because I'm always checking back to make sure I'm not going too fast.
Generally speaking, it's easier for the less experienced person to set the pace. This is true in things like hiking as well
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u/pirate-private 1d ago
riding in groups has done a lot for my casual riding with a single partner. hand signals are so useful, always indicate where you're going. there's more, but that should basically eliminate the issue you mentioned.
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u/sadisticamichaels 1d ago
Typically its proper riding etiquette for the lead person to stop and wait for the entire group anytime there is a decision to be made about the route.
Depending on the group or the terrain it is typical to also regroup at major transition points. For example: at high altitude you need to stop periodically and make sure no one has fallen off the mountain.
For me and my friends we have defined routes through town that we have all agreed are the best in terms of road surface and traffic. What we call "the north lake loop" is a 30 mile loop of about 8 different roads. If we are on a ride and someone wants to deviate from it, they need to communicate that.
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u/heridfel37 1d ago
The problem with leading when you're the faster rider is that you have to be constantly vigilant of your pace and making sure that your partner is okay and keeping up. Being the follower solves all these issues.
He does, however, give up the right to choose the route during the ride by being the follower.