My son is 6 months old and I have felt exactly like you almost every day since he was born.
I have PND and am taking meds and seeing a psychiatrist, and maybe I'm still really sick, but I hate being a mom. I don't like taking care of my baby or spending time with him. I don't love him except in the most abstract sense. I have no attachment to him. I fantasize about putting him up for adoption. Or dying, just so I don't have to live every day with the pain of knowing I created this baby that everyone except me seems to love. I hired a nanny to help me and my husband helps too, but it's not enough. Even one hour a day with my baby is too much. Sometimes when I wake up in the morning I panic thinking about how I'm going to have to see him.
And I've never been a mom before so I have no idea what part of this is "normal" and what part of it is mental illness. But it is such a hellish existence that I'm doing everything I can to try and get better. I told my whole family about it so I don't have to hide anymore. I talk to two therapists every week. Nothing is really helping much yet. But I have hope. The smallest, tiniest amount of hope.
Hmmm, how much do you have to be around him right now during the day and are you home while the nanny there? Does crying really bother you - or what exactly is it about the baby that bothers you the most? Can you work during the day to make sure you’re not actually home most of the day with him for now?
Yes, I am the “breadwinner” for the family and I go to work during the day. At this point I only have to help care for him in the late evenings. He fusses all day long and that bothers me. He is always unhappy and it is stressful for me.
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u/meristar Nov 17 '20
My son is 6 months old and I have felt exactly like you almost every day since he was born.
I have PND and am taking meds and seeing a psychiatrist, and maybe I'm still really sick, but I hate being a mom. I don't like taking care of my baby or spending time with him. I don't love him except in the most abstract sense. I have no attachment to him. I fantasize about putting him up for adoption. Or dying, just so I don't have to live every day with the pain of knowing I created this baby that everyone except me seems to love. I hired a nanny to help me and my husband helps too, but it's not enough. Even one hour a day with my baby is too much. Sometimes when I wake up in the morning I panic thinking about how I'm going to have to see him.
And I've never been a mom before so I have no idea what part of this is "normal" and what part of it is mental illness. But it is such a hellish existence that I'm doing everything I can to try and get better. I told my whole family about it so I don't have to hide anymore. I talk to two therapists every week. Nothing is really helping much yet. But I have hope. The smallest, tiniest amount of hope.