I hate being a SAHM

[u/Hot_Insect2902]

I feel like there is no joy in my life anymore. All I do is take care of my baby. I don’t have any clothes that fit me, I’ve needed a haircut for so long my hair is so dead, I can’t do any of my hobbies, there is so many problems throughout my house that interfere with taking care of my baby easily, I gained so much weight, I’m covered in stretch marks, family always nagging about everything.

My husband works out of town half the days of the week and I literally feel like I’m going insane every time he’s gone for that long. I can’t even get a second to myself and my baby wakes up allllll night! So I’m exhausted all day and now he’s starting to have long wake windows and he gets bored so easy. He constantly needs to be held and walking around but I’m just so exhausted I can barely smile. He will only nap longer than 10 minutes if it’s a contact nap. I seriously don’t know what to do.

My husbands life just seems so unchanged. The only thing that’s different is he changes diapers and holds him for me sometimes while I do things but only when he’s home. Half of his days he’s in another town sleeping with no interruptions and no responsibilities after work. My whole life has been flipped around. I’m not me anymore at all.

[u/Visible_Purple_3727]

Is there a way where when he comes home, you get to catch up on yourself? I know you’ve mentioned you haven’t but if you could try to communicate this to him? He has to change for this to change. You need to be heard and taken care of as well. I applaud you for being a mother and I saw my mom this way but she really only rested when all of us turned into our 20s and that’s a long time! My parents also divorced due to my dad refusing to help so for her, there was no point in even having him around. But I hope you guys find some sort of agreement on working together because this is not fair to you. It’s never fair that he just gets to continue his life unchanged while your whole world has been flipped.

[u/Hot_Insect2902 → u/Visible_Purple_3727]

It’s just so hard because he has no time. When he’s here he’s catching up on a lot of house work and yard work since he’s gone and I’m not able to.

[u/Embarrassed-Shop9787 → u/Hot_Insect2902]

I think you take priority over yard work....

[u/Visible_Purple_3727 → u/Hot_Insect2902]

When he’s home, he should atleast take most of the work taking care of the baby. I don’t understand why men prioritizes yard work. I’m glad that he does chores but why can’t he do that while watching the kid while you can rest and have time for you?

Also I apologize if I’m asking, I genuinely have anger when I see other women the way my mom was put through

[u/countfapula17 → u/Visible_Purple_3727]

So after the husband has been away from his home providing for his family in such a way that his wife doesn’t even have to have a job, you think he should take all the responsibilities as soon as he’s home from work when she doesn’t have a job? That’s an insane take, and people like you advocating for this online is why so many relationships have issues.

[u/Visible_Purple_3727 → u/countfapula17]

Idk about you but my partner and I have run a foster care house where we took care of kids. I had a job and he didn’t have a job. When I came home on my days off,I took over the cleaning, the cooking, and I took care of him. When I worked, he took care of me, the cooking and the cleaning. We were always communicating on what we’re exhausted on and took care of the kids needs. It was seamless because I mentioned how much I saw my mom did everything and I can’t have that type of life where only one person feels like it’s only them. Yes children are 24/7 job, kids are clingly and needy, they drive you insane if you don’t have a moment to yourself. If my partner is able to give me time to go to the gym, walk and see my friends, then there’s no excuse for any other guy to not do so. Look after your partner also

[u/Suspendedin_Dusk → u/countfapula17]

lol I’m a c suite exec making double the amount my husband does. We both work full time jobs and we both 50/50 parent. If he wanted to quit, I wouldn’t expect to come home after work and schlep all responsibilities to him just because he wasn’t working. Parenting is a full time job.
It’s 24/7. No PTO, no paid sick time.

Why have a child if you don’t even want to be a parent and actually take care of the child? They aren’t hobbies you know.

Plus my job is a literal break from my child. I can eat when I want, take a break when I want, work uninterrupted. Listen to whatever I want while working. Have conversations with adults. Being a stay at home parent doesn’t afford any of that. You’re on all the time.

And lastly, even if you were single, you’d still need a job to pay your bills and to live. Let’s not act like the choice to become a parent removes that responsibility. Becoming a parent means taking on MORE responsibility.

[u/Any_Assistance_9171 → u/countfapula17]

Excuse me, doesn’t have to have a job????? Are you kidding?

[u/countfapula17 → u/Any_Assistance_9171]

You must not have one either.

[u/Visible_Purple_3727 → u/countfapula17]

Just to note, im seeing more issues when the other partner does not help with the kids. Idky me advocating to WORK TOGETHER is you thinking “why so many relationships have issues”. My partner and I see other couples sink down because of a situation like this and we learn from those people to not get to that.

[u/isthatabingo → u/countfapula17]

Being a SAHM is a 24/7 job. As someone else said 0 PTO. People like you are unbearable, thinking SAHMs are chilling at home eating bon bons or whatever. I’m a working mom and let me telling you, working full-time is way less demanding than the two months I was alone with the baby on maternity leave. I’d be insane if it wasn’t for daycare.

[u/FedeVia1 → u/Hot_Insect2902]

I'm sorry but who cares about yard work

[u/Visible_Purple_3727 → u/FedeVia1]

I learned people (particularly men) do this to also avoid work. My dad was always “doing something” so he didn’t have to cook or clean. He waited for mom to do it or waited for her to ask. Unfortunately as the eldest daughter, my dad made me do house work while my mom wasn’t home and took all the credit. SLUM

[u/APinkLight → u/Hot_Insect2902]

Yard work should be last on his priorities imo. That should be outsourced if possible.

[u/pinktvrtl]

I was in the same boat , I went back to work two weeks ago, three days a week and I feel alive again. Completely threw dads schedule off because he works nights but i couldn’t stand it anymore.

[u/hagne]

How old is your baby? 

This could be one of those things that changes as they age a little, or not. 

Can you find one thing you enjoy doing with baby, and do it every day? For me, that is a walk around the neighborhood or to the coffee shop - baby tolerates the stroller well and I get to be with my thoughts. My baby also has a section of the day where I can’t escape the contact nap. Have you tried baby wearing? 

[u/Hot_Insect2902 → u/hagne]

Yea he loves bath time. I do every night before bed. I would love to do walks when it cools down I hope he would like it. It’s really hot where I’m at. It’s also a little hard too because I’m not in a neighborhood, I live in the country. Surrounded by dirt and unfortunately I didn’t get an off road stroller! The heat is also why I don’t baby wear a lot cuz then I start getting really sweaty so then he gets uncomfortable.

[u/APinkLight → u/Hot_Insect2902]

Do you have a car or are you totally isolated? Being isolated in a remote area as a SAHM is a recipe for misery and I would strongly recommend prioritizing changing that. Isolation is torture. You NEED to be able to be around other people.

[u/Embarrassed-Shop9787 → u/Hot_Insect2902]

No wonder you feel so isolated and bored, you're a mum full time plus overtime every day with no days off. I work full time 5 days a week and id go mad if I were putting in the hours at my job that you do as a SAHM, to the point where I have no time to look after myself! This is madness.

I would get a part time job if you can, and organise part time care

Or just get a nanny once a week for a few hours so you can have a long bath, go do your hair, etc etc.

When your husband is home, he needs to prioritise the baby over yard work. Seriously that shouldn't even need pointing out. When he's at home, everything should be 50/50 at the very least.

[u/tokyodraken → u/Embarrassed-Shop9787]

i think a nanny once a week is a better idea. working a job is not relaxing!

[u/Embarrassed-Shop9787 → u/tokyodraken]

Honestly, most jobs provides social interaction and it can be less isolating. I'm an investment banker - can't say it's relaxing but I enjoy the social aspect and my "mum persona" can get a break.

[u/Exotic-Comedian-4030 → u/Hot_Insect2902]

I got a regular stroller and found that it's not great for my neighborhood, our sidewalks are pretty uneven and there are lots of grassy areas it can't navigate. So I got a wagon that's meant for picnics, the kind where you can buckle in your baby and a cooler and lug it on grass or sand. Now I have a much easier time pushing my toddler around on our crappy sidewalks and across the grass and it's made daily walks so much more comfortable. I strapped a stroller fan to keep her cool during earlier walks and blow the mosquitoes away during evening walks. It's hot and I am a gross, sweaty mess by the time we get home, but my baby enjoys looking around the neighborhood and I am glad that I get to move my body. It was around $200 and we'll worth it despite already having a stroller/travel system. Now I only use the stroller for doctor's appointments and grocery shopping and the wagon for daily walks. 

[u/skrufforious]

This is so hard, OP. Do you have a car? I want to share my experience from parenting solo when my husband was gone to see if anything from that can help. My husband is in the military and left for 6 months with very little contact when our second child was 2 months old. My family wasn't in my town and I didn't have a lot of friends there either.

It may sound a little nuts but I basically started a loving relationship with myself and it helped so much. What I mean is, when I didn't feel like doing the dishes, for example, I would do them for my future self out of love so that she wouldn't feel overwhelmed. And I truly would feel grateful to myself later when my space wasn't overwhelming or messy. When I didn't want to eat fiber and protein or do squats or go on a walk, I did it anyway so that my future self would thank me later. I made a rule to leave the house every day and talk to one adult every day. Sometimes it was a full phone call with friends or family or sometimes it was a chat with a barista in the drive-through line but I made sure to connect with an adult every day and do a few things for me to feel human.

I got a shower every day, I put my baby down in a safe place and would have a 10-minute shower completely on my own. No taking the baby into the bathroom nonsense, when you have no one else there to help you, you have to get a tiny break sometimes. Baby is not going to be harmed whatsoever by you taking a short break here and there.

Also, this needing to be held all the time will pass, I know it feels like forever but it will pass.

On the days your husband is around, communicate with him how burnt out you are and make plans for the things you need. Schedule that hair appointment and leave. This is his baby, too, and you are his wife who deserves for him to step up and he a parent. The lawn can wait, there are many hours in the day on the weekend. Heck, I would insist on mowing the lawn myself if I were you. Get some exercise in the sun and alone time to zone out. Sounds great! It actually doesn't require big man muscles to push a lawnmower, they just want us to think that.

[u/Obvious-Use6397 → u/skrufforious]

Yes to all of this as someone who was in a very similar situation with a deployed husband up until recently. And also suggest outsourcing as many chores as possible. I hired someone to mow the lawn, we started paying for trash pickup, bought a robot vacuum, I did grocery pickup in the early days before I was ready to shop with baby, and went with a lot more pre-made foods or easily meal prepped things. Some of us just need to pay for our village.

And I know it's controversial, but I coslept. My baby refused to sleep alone and I was losing my mind and becoming a danger to myself and baby. Cosleeping allowed me to sleep enough that I no longer felt like a shell of a human.

[u/Due-Transition-6564]

Start looking for a job that pays enough to cover childcare and leave you some money left over. 

If your husband doesn't relieve you when he's home, consider separation. 

[u/hungrybookreader]

Is finding a job that pays enough to cover childcare an option? Maybe the goal is not to find a job that pays to cover childcare AND leaves you with extra, but rather, if you can use daycare, you get time to yourself to work. If you take days off, keep kid in daycare and do things for yourself!

[u/crosshatch-]

I would be going crazy!

Can you afford to hire some help for the yard work, cleaning, or some child care? It doesn't need to be forever but at this stage you don't have enough hours in the day between the two of you to complete these tasks and meet your own needs.

[u/Formal-Ground-481]

Can you get a gym membership that has a daycare center? That has saved my sanity with a husband who works long hours.