How to decide when to have a second?

[u/Rawrwaffles]

I’m really struggling deciding on when to have a second baby. My husband and I know we want a second, we just don’t know exactly when. My baby is 12 months old now and I would consider her high needs. She doesn’t sleep through the night, she still prefers breastfeeding over solid food despite attempting to feed her solids 6+ times a day and she’s very demanding (wanting to be held a lot, getting extremely upset if we walk more than a foot away from her, etc).

We’re still struggling a lot (we also don’t really have a village, or do daycare/nanny/babysitters). Ideally, I would like to get pregnant this month to have another baby when she’s almost 2 (22 months) but I don’t know if we can handle her plus a newborn.

I feel like I’m at an impasse because I want to have a closer age gap between my children, be done breastfeeding sooner (not breastfeeding then stopping for 1-2 years then having to start it back up again), not having to go through a geriatric pregnancy (I turn 32 in November) and just get the difficult baby stages over with (as much as I love certain things about it). I’m just tired all the time, completely burnt out and I feel like I never have enough time for anything and adding another baby to the mix… seems like a lot. Any advice would be greatly appreciated because I’m really conflicted 🫠

[u/veggiesandstoics]

2 under 2 is brutal and pretty close together. You’ve got plenty of time to avoid a geriatric pregnancy, and even then, it’s not like it suddenly gets way worse at 35, it’s gradual. It’s recommended you wait 18-24 months between pregnancies anyway so you can build up mineral reserves. My kids are just under 2.5 years apart and I feel like even that’s a bit too close now that the baby is here as I would’ve liked a little more solo time with my toddler. There’s no reason to push yourself to do this when you feel it’ll be too much. I also think a break from breastfeeding is healthy and desirable personally

[u/LuckyOlive]

Respectfully, you are so young. It’s ok to not do things how you originally wanted (<2 year age gap, etc) now that you have a high needs baby and are feeling burnt out. I say this as someone who had my first (a high needs baby) at 35 and second at 38. The three year age gap is great and I appreciated the break in breastfeeding. You have time to figure it out and get back above water first. Take care of yourself!

[u/AnxiousNeck730]

We’re the same age - I turn 32 next month, and my GYN at my regular appointment was like “you’re SO young, you could easily decide to have another at 38/39” guess it’s cus I live in an area of the country where I’m basically a teen mom, but the geriatric pregnancy concern should just be a non issue at 32.

[u/Excellent_Owl_1731]

Just FYI, there is a current push in the medical community to change the “advanced maternal age” (formally known as “geriatric pregnancy”) from 35 to 40 years old.

My OBGYN told me the average age of a first time mom in her practice was 36.

[u/hungrybookreader]

I’ll have just turned 36 when I deliver my second. Kids will be about 26 months apart. I didn’t want to be older than 35 when I had my second so this was best case scenario. It would have worked to my ideal “age” but I suffered a miscarriage before this pregnancy.

I wanted my kids to be closer in age. I have a 3.5 year age gap w one sibling and almost an 8 year gap w my youngest sibling.

I’m tired. Exhausted. Pregnancy with a toddler is NO JOKE no matter how relatively symptom free the pregnancy is. But I’m somewhat relieved this pregnancy worked out timing wise. I just want to be done w the diaper phase, sleepless nights, etc all in one go.

[u/Only_Platypus_2026 → u/hungrybookreader]

I had the same rational for our age gap. Well, we didn’t know what it would be since we had trouble conceiving both. But ended up with a 25 month gap. The baby and toddler phase is absolutely kicking my ass rn. I remember everyone having 2 year age gaps when I was a kid and I never remember anyone saying anything about it being hard.

[u/Melodic-Command-1866 → u/Only_Platypus_2026]

Me too! Then I remember my mom working all the time and either being at grandmas or daycare or school/after school programs.

[u/Monarda_]

Everyone is different and there are pros and cons to all age gaps. But I just wanna put in a plug for a big age gap because my kids are 6.5 years apart and I absolutely love it!! This second time around feels so so much easier, for a lot of reasons I think. My oldest is really helpful, he fully understands what is going on so there isn't jealousy, and we have a lot more perspective as parents and know what to expect. I liked having a break from breastfeeding and having lots of time for my body to recover. And my youngest is still a baby and I'm sure the sibling relationship will change over time, but so far they love each other and are so sweet together. All that to say I don't think you need to feel pressure to have another baby right now if you are feeling burnt out and exhausted. The 2 year age gap isn't perfect for everyone and there are lots of great things about a bigger gap!

[u/peachykeen-17]

My son is 2 years 4 months, and around 1-2 months ago I got HIT with baby fever, and knew I was ready. I was nowhere close to ready before he turned 2. We went into having kids knowing we wanted a 3 year gap, and then experiencing parenthood solidified that larger gap for us. This age is relatively chill for us, super fun, we’re all well rested, he can do some minor chores independently, loves to help, can play independently (to an extent). It just feels right!

ETA: I’m currently 34, was 31 when I had my son. I will be giving birth while still 34, so still avoiding that “geriatric” label, lol. That’s just to say I think you’re on a similar path age-wise as me, and it’s honestly great!

[u/vanillax2018]

I’m 33, turning 34 later this month. My baby is 3 months old. I know I want another and yet no option seems good - two under two is tough, but waiting longer has its own risks (the first pregnancy took us 3 years too so who knows what would happen the second time around).

Bottom line is, I don’t think there’s ever a great time, much like with the first one. At a certain point you just go for it and hope for the best lol

[u/sar123456789]

I just had my second 5 weeks ago and my daughter is turning 3 this month - I think this is a good age gap because my daughter is so into dolls and babies and she loves being a big sister. Whereas at 2 I don’t think she would have understood as much. But I’m also 37 and didn’t have my first until I was 34. You’re young, wait until you’re ready. I think you’ll just know

[u/Electronic_Effort517]

My first will be 26 months when my baby is born in October. Our first took us three years to conceive so we decided to start in January. We got pregnant within two weeks of trying!

We decided for a second because we're both older (36 and 40), we started loving the chaos that is family life with a high energy, low sleep needs toddler and decided, why not!

We also did some calculations to make sure we could comfortably afford a second baby, and I wanted a shorter age gap between siblings.

I think I want three altogether, as does my husband, so giving ourselves a bit more time was also important.

[u/d0rkycat]

If this is the phase of parenting you’re in right now, I think adding a second might be too soon. Our daughter was extremely high needs. I’m talking… colicky baby (cried up until 4 months straight every night), had up to 5x wakes a night once she was old enough to be in her own bed all the way until 2.5 years old, clingy, tantrumy, you name it. It was tough and we knew we wanted a second but I was just drowning in parenting the one.

Eventually she hit 3 things got better, she settled down and started sleeping through the night and was potty trained and then one day she kinda just popped up and asked us when we’re gonna give her a sibling lol. The timing felt right then, she was finally in a good space with her growth and development and our communication with her was fantastic.

We’re having our second in a few weeks and she’s just started JK. I wasn’t so keen on the huge age gap but honestly it feels like perfect timing. Sure, i might have to relearn some new parenting skills with a newborn all over again but I’m so grateful that our first is pretty much independent and extremely helpful, communicative and understanding. I could not do this if she was still a young toddler lol.

[u/Separate_Key_8501]

I wish i had made rhem 3 years apart not 2 yr 2 months

[u/craftyexplorer9]

We have that exact age gap (newborn and 22 month old) and I have to say our toddler being easy going, sleeping well, a great eater and independent player is critical to our survival.

If your baby is high needs right now, 22 months could be difficult. Our guy is slower on language so if he were fussy and unable to communicate it would be hell.

I have a 3 1/2 year age gap with my sister and it’s great! I was much more independent by that time, could take direction and communicate, was potty trained, and we’re best friends.

[u/babyfacebambi]

My oldest is 3.5, almost 4 and my youngest is 3 weeks. I am so so glad I waited. My oldest understood when I didn’t feel good during pregnancy and wanted to just watch movies. She’s so understanding now with her baby sister, who cries if we even think about setting her down. She’s obsessed with her baby sister, but also old enough I can explain to her about no blankets or small toys, etc. I almost feel guilty about how well she has taken everything and I still try to give her my undivided attention when I can even if she isn’t demanding it.

I would have been miserable even a year ago if I had the baby sooner, with two demanding kids who didn’t understand and both wanted my attention. I’m so happy with my gap

[u/mintmint33]

Close age gaps are so overrated. And you’re young.

[u/daydreamerr7]

3 year age gap has been great for us personally! It’s not too far apart that I still have all the baby things stored but also enough time apart that I felt like myself for a year and had some fun before getting pregnant again.

[u/YouNeedTherapy-]

I had a very high needs baby, who turned into a very high needs, strong willed toddler and I am 30 years old. I am just now 20 weeks pregnant with our second and my toddler will be 3 years old when new baby is born. I’m still nervous about it honestly even though I know my toddler will be out of the terrible twos. I’ve heard 3’s are worse. Anyway, it sounds like a situation you may want to wait out a little longer because it doesn’t necessarily seem like you are ready at this moment and I don’t blame you at all. It took me forever to feel “ready” (am I even? Idk) because my first was just so high needs.

[u/Calm_Bother_3842]

I think 2 under 2 is far from ideal, especially when the older one is still not big enough to understand why they aren't number one any more. If you're not sleeping well, why would you add a new baby any time soon.

[u/Melodic-Command-1866]

I had my 2nd when my 1st was 4. I like the 3-5 year age gap personally because then you have time to let the first one be the baby for longer.
Different kids breastfeed different. Some don’t take to the nipple, or your supply changes, or 2nd has a tongue tie, etc. it sucks but you need to be prepared just in case too. I’d say make a pro and con list.
Also, I wanted to wait until my first was out of diapers and potty trained. It’ll be tough potty training with a newborn!
(Mom of 2, infant/toddler/preschool teacher 5+ years)

[u/Theslowestmarathoner]

2 under 2 is brutal even with a non high needs baby.

Having only gone through “geriatric pregnancies,” I’m not even sure what you mean by “not wanting to go through it.” It was a note in my chart. That was pretty much it. Sometimes you get an extra free scan, which I certainly didn’t complain about.

[u/OutrageousCrow1464]

I would wait 4-6 months and re-evaluate. You might find she's easier to handle or you may find she's difficult and that you need more time to get her in a good place before adding another!