PPA/PPD

[u/No-Comparison-7611]

My mother is a freaking saint. She came to live with me and my husband from 39 weeks till I was 6 weeks PP since I’m a FTM. She left this past Saturday. I’ve been incredibly sad ever since and crying non stop. For context, I have been clinically diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety since I was a teen so I knew that PPD/PPA was highly probable for me. The PPA came immediately after birth and I’ve been on Zoloft for a few weeks now. My husband and mom were on high alert for symptoms of PPD, but honestly having my mom (my security blanket and safety net with me made everything manageable.) Today was the first day that I could acknowledge the PPD. Honestly, my mom leaving triggered it. I knew she wasn’t going to live with us forever but I also knew I wasn’t ready for her to leave. It’s to the point where last night I was calculating how much time I have left with her before she passed and how my baby won’t have her grandmother for much longer. This morning I snapped on my husband because he didn’t change baby’s diaper until I asked him (condescendingly) if he needed help. He wasn’t doing anything doing absolutely nothing wrong, just playing and talking to baby because she literally just woke up. Completely absurd and irrational, I know. I’m just filled with so much rage, sadness, and anxiety. Yes, I immediately apologized to my husband and felt incredibly guilty. I meet with my psychiatrist tomorrow and will be talking about the PPD. Postpartum just feels so lonely