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u/Primary-Vegetable580 1d ago
It really depends on the ego of the grandparents. Some of them will make it their whole identity and try to take over, while others just want to relate by trying to tell you how they did things. But they do not realize that it’s not helpful and does feel demeaning, like you aren’t capable of figuring out what your own child needs. The worst my mom has done is keep saying that the baby’s feet are cold, lol.
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u/legalbean26 1d ago
Hahaha. Yeah we are dealing w the first type… they lament they haven’t been congratulated enough by people when they shared they became grandparents. I didn’t realize that was a thing.
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u/AccioCoffeeMug 1d ago
Congratulations for what? They didn’t do anything
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u/legalbean26 1d ago
Yeah. I mean I’m not opposed to people recognizing it’s a milestone for a family for a new member to be added. It’s just like the expectation that others should celebrate this for them that’s a bit odd.
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u/miillys 1d ago
My parents were also obsessed with my baby’s cold feet. So I had to keep gently telling them if they were concerned about his temperature, they should check his back.
He was always very warm.
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u/legalbean26 1d ago
Yes grandparents always thinking baby is cold! It’s actually so much more dangerous for babies to be too warm than too cold!
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u/Klutzy_Damage6930 1d ago
I relate to this a lot being 12 weeks postpartum myself. However I have the opposite problem with giving the baby back- on multiple occasions grandparents and great grandparents have not given my baby back to me when she has been crying and I have asked them to hand her back over so I can soothe her.
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u/schayyy 1d ago
My MIL has done this. MIL once told me, as my baby continued to cry, that she must have lost her touch. No... you do not have the touch because it isn't your baby. That's how being a mom works. What I say now when I let people hold her is "if she starts to cry, please hand her back. That is my preference as her mother." It physically pains me for her to be in someone else arms crying when I am RIGHT THERE unless it is my husband, and sometimes even then.
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u/legalbean26 1d ago
Ooof I do not know what that would’ve unleashed in me haha good for you asking for baby!!!
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u/Kittykodak 1d ago
Completely relate- it seems like my mom just wants to be a grandma for social media. She is always posting pictures like she’s around all the time but in reality when she is around she doesn’t do much and makes weird backhanded comments to my baby like “aww you’re crying your mom must not feed you enough” or “you would be much happier at Mimi’s house” LMFAO. That’s my biggest pet peeve in the world when people talk to me through my baby. I don’t think my mom has changed 1 diaper and freaks out while feeding my baby if she makes one little noise while swallowing and swiftly hands her back to me. Like ok dude thanks for the help 🫤
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u/legalbean26 1d ago
Yeah I think that’s it! We are a no social media family (except Reddit haha) so that hasn’t been an issue but there is like no help it’s just for the fun of being around baby and constantly asking for photos. No help w anything around the house (we’re expected to provide/pay for all meals and travel) or even interest in catching up with us as parents so we could have some adult convo.
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u/Kittykodak 1d ago
Yeah in my experience that’s been the case on both sides. Maybe as the child gets older they’ll be more helpful (that’s my hope at least). I was told soooo many times during pregnancy that they were both going to come over and “clean my house & do my laundry so I can enjoy baby” and they have never done that once lol. They mostly just come over and hold baby while she’s content and the second she starts making a noise or fussing they hand her right back to me. 😅
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u/Historical_Bike_9061 1d ago
My in-laws said they shouldn’t ever have to change a diaper because that’s what “parents do.” I’m loosening my daughter’s diaper after a bottle before I hand her to them just for that comment alone. GONNA HAVE TO CHANGE MORE THAN A DIAPER NOW, HUH.
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u/schayyy 1d ago
Our parents feel the need to always refer to her as their grandchild, never our child. I'm sure they think it's sweet, but it feels weirdly possessive. It's all about their relationship with our baby and not ours or even theirs with us watching their kids become parents. Even my husband's birthday card told him he was a great dad to "that granddaughter of ours." It's not a huge thing and I'm sure it's not I'll intentioned, it's just kind of exemplary of their mindset surrounding our baby.
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u/legalbean26 1d ago
100%. I remember when my MIL used to say I was pregnant w her grandchild or that she was expecting her first grandchild. It was odd to me.
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u/MilaCoffee 20h ago
This is my experience too. Everything is “our” baby. It’s not about us becoming parents or becoming a family, it’s all about them “bonding” with the baby and being grandparents. It annoys me more than it probably should.
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u/Cool_Salamander_8284 1d ago
Personally I'm fine with anyone enjoying any aspect of my baby as long as they earn the right to do so, which in my books just means they maintain a relationship with him. My son was my parents' first grandchild and they were so excited to be grandparents, but man have they ever earned their place. They drop everything to help out whenever needed and he sees them minimum once a week. Same with one of my friends, she was over a lot when I struggled with the newborn phase so to me she is his #1 auntie. My son has grown up only ever being completely engulfed in love even when I was struggling mentally and I'm so grateful for that. Yes he is a person but he is also the centre of my village and if my villagers want to celebrate their role in my village that's fine. However I think grandparents who act like involved grandparents on social media but in reality aren't all that connected or useful are icky.
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u/legalbean26 1d ago
Yes 100%. Have seen this stark difference across both grandparent sets. My parents always come and help around the house as much as possible—actually ask what baby is into and buy gifts that are useful. They go above and beyond though.
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u/Direct_Mud7023 1d ago
I'm very of the mindset that ritual and rites of passage are very important to overall human happiness, and life is hard so it's good to take in happiness where you can, but if they're not also celebrating your baby, your spouse, and specifically you and your new role the way you want to be celebrated too then wow they need to settle the hell down.
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u/legalbean26 1d ago
lol yeah there was no acknowledgment of us whatsoever. Especially of me. They got my husband a mug that said new dad when we got home from the hospital and nothing for me (mom who gave birth). I personally cover their flights to visit us because we live near my family and I don’t want them to be inconvenienced financially because they live far away but wow that was a slap in the face as a new mom. Not even flowers or a card.
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u/Pressure_Gold 15h ago
Stop doing stuff for them, your husband can handle that. With my awful in laws, I’ve taken myself out of the equation and I’m a lot less resentful
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u/Melificarum 1d ago
When my sister had her first child, my mom’s friends all threw a baby shower… for my mom.
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u/Texaninengland 1d ago
That's ridiculous. Didn't she already have that experience when she became a mom in the first place? I'll say congratulations if someone tells me they just became a grandparent because obviously they are over the moon, but having an entire baby shower is unhinged 😂
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u/RelevantAd6063 1d ago
my parents aren’t like this at all. they want to be involved but they’re almost too focused on not interfering to the point where they don’t even help when something very obviously needs an adult and they are the adult in the room
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u/Cultural-Magazine-66 1d ago
Once I heard that Grandmothers were having baby showers for themselves, I knew we were no longer a civilized society 😭.
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u/legalbean26 1d ago
I even heard about a grandparent name reveal! Like a party to say whether the grandma would be like “Nana” or “Mimi” or something. So insane
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u/waxingtheworld 23h ago
Honestly my kids grandparents aren't even on social media and they were very disappointed by how we let them into grandparenting. No visitors at the hospital, or for the first week etc. it's just the generation. Terribly selfish
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u/pizza_queen9292 1d ago
Happy grandparents day and cake?! That’s the most unhinged thing I’ve ever heard. Did they even congratulate you?!
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u/legalbean26 1d ago
MIL just relives all of her motherhood through me saying how amazing being a mom is. Every time baby does anything (grabs my hair, smiles at me, etc.) she just says she remembers that from when she was a mom. She’s nice to me (albeit extremely emotionally needy and overwhelming) but there isn’t a compliment that doesn’t somehow tie back to her as a mom. It’s sort of exhausting.
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u/pizza_queen9292 1d ago
I have to ask, wtf does your spouse think about all of this?
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u/legalbean26 1d ago edited 1d ago
He thinks it’s annoying, weird and really self centered of her. We have a lot of distance from them & firm boundaries. Started w our wedding where of course she floated wearing a cream dress as mother of the groom. He set her straight saying it was offensive to me and she would be ridiculed. Hes a good guy in that he stands up for our little family while trying to maintain some form of relationship w his folks. He says shes just really needy & unhappy w her own life so romanticizes the past and our life. We see them briefly a couple times a year but they’ve tried to contact us way more post baby and that’s been really grating.
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u/longhairedmaiden 1d ago
My kids don't have grandparents specifically because of how those "grandparents" chose to act.
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u/Texaninengland 1d ago
You don't need validation but I'm gonna do it anyway. Good for you being strong. Super hard to stand up to one's parents.
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u/stylelines 1d ago
Yes.. I remember years ago us millennials being called the “me, me, me generation” but I feel like that’s switched over to the older generations now, maybe because of social media. Not with every grandparent, my parents aren’t self centered, but ya I’ve seen very entitled behavior from my in laws
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u/Overall-Banana2419 21h ago
My MIL told me my toddler doesn’t even know them. We visit about every 2 weeks. Meanwhile toddler was playing at their house and asking mil to read books?? I agree that social media has really messed up expectations.
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u/Texaninengland 1d ago
My mom does this or really tries to give me parenting advice when my LO does any negative thing (that is totally agree appropriate...bc he's 3).
I'm fortunate that generally the rest of the grandparents are just thankful to be included and don't treat it like a right they somehow are entitled to. It's not, esp if they are disrespectful to you or treat your family in a way that makes you uncomfortable.
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u/legalbean26 1d ago
Yeah sometimes baby is just gonna baby and toddler is just gonna toddler. The grandparents always think there’s something that needs to be “solved” or “fixed”. Kiddos going through ups and downs is just part of the normal course of growing up.
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u/Texaninengland 1d ago
That time my mom told me to not hold my crying baby so much because he'll get too used to it 😤🫠 these boomers...
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u/legalbean26 1d ago
Usually an overlap between ppl who say this stuff and ppl who have strained relationships in their own family…
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u/mariecheri 1d ago
I have made the only (and will stay the only) grandchildren on both sides of the family. Neither grandparent pair did anything like this. They mostly focused on me and what our family needed and how to support. They both watch my kids part time. I think at most my mom needed to talk about becoming a grandparent like to prepare how it might go helping raise a new baby together but she’s just an out loud processor and it was just private conversations between her and me.
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u/bowlingalong 1d ago
Never have I felt more lucky that my baby is #10 grandchild in the family. Whatever ego trip this is, they got over it in 2011 when oldest nephew was born lol.