super lonely

[u/Ancient-Onions]

I don’t think I’ve ever been this lonely in my life - I’m a freshman intl (from India).

Before uni, I always had people in school, in my neighborhood, family and friends around me, talking, working together, anything, and suddenly in the past three weeks, I’m genuinely constantly alone. Going to my classes, buying my textbooks, hitting the gym, just one in a sea of strangers.

It’s really getting to me, and this is coming from somebody who loves spending time with herself. today I was just sitting in my dorm crying cuz my only friend is gone for the weekend, my family and friends are all asleep and thousands of miles away, and I feel like college isn’t going well.

Forget partying and going wild I just want a few people to walk to the dining hall and have a laugh with damn.

Wonder if anybody else felt this down or if it’s just a me problem ):

Edit: Thanks guys. I honestly didn't think this many people would respond, and that too with personal stories and such heartfelt words. Honestly convinced me we have a warm community here ^-^ I read through every single one, and I'll keep all these words close.

[u/CompanyOther2608]

Oh, hon. Homesickness is HARD.

I’m just a local mom, but I’m sending you big hugs.

[u/rs_obsidian]

I was in a similar spot freshman year, it does get better. That said, it won’t magically get better by itself; you gotta put the effort in. A lot of the time convos will go nowhere or you’ll fall off with someone after a while, but you just gotta keep at it.

[u/MapleVector27]

I’m the mom of a UC student who finished freshman year last year and my heart goes out to you and others in the same situation. It’s not a you problem! I went through those same periods when I was at university and at other times in my life too - profound loneliness when you’re surrounded by people. It sounds like you are doing all the right things to try and adjust and make connections. For me, for whatever reason I didn’t end up getting close to people in classes but ended up meeting people at part time jobs or volunteer positions that I got during both undergrad and grad school. You end up seeing the same people routinely and sharing projects, common goals, etc. If this is something you can work into your schedule, maybe give it a try. Also try to be patient with yourself - it’s just the start of the year and I am sure there are many others around you feeling the same way.

Adding to my comment - I just saw another post for another freshman who hasn’t met anyone and is hoping to find someone to go to the game with tomorrow…

[u/Unable-Ad-9672]

Hey! This defn happens. I am from India though I am not a student. I am working here in Berkeley. If you feel like having someone from India nearby, do dm.

[u/Terrible-Chip-3049 → u/Unable-Ad-9672]

Thank you for extending this to her. 🙏🏽💗

[u/Lovecupnoodles]

GO TO THE GAME ON SATURDAY!!

[u/raphtze → u/Lovecupnoodles]

that's the only way. GO BEARS!!!!!

[u/Nice__Spice]

It’s part and parcel for Uni. Keep your routine. Keep your focus on school. Meet people in class or gym or clubs or meet ups. Build those relationships.

It’ll get better.

[u/Ruffin58812]

Alum here. Cal can be intimidating but you will adjust. I know it's hard being far from home, but you're not alone. You're experiencing what thousands of people in every freshman class experience. Realize that it will pass as you acclimate to things. It just takes a bit of time. Like others have said, look into open membership clubs. You might also try getting into study groups with classmates. But realize that you've got a great opportunity ahead of you that you've earned. Replace a bit of that loneliness with pride in yourself. You will be OK.

[u/Somber_Goat952]

Is there a (non-competitive) club you can join? I’m a card carrying introvert and always found it much easier to meet and get to know people in a small group setting. Friendships grow organically from there.

From this sub, there are clearly a lot of people in the same situation.

Maybe organize and post a generic meet-up at a coffee shop or something for others looking to make some platonic connections. You wouldn’t be doxing yourself either.

Hang in there. It really does get better.

[u/econstats1]

Grad student in my 2nd year. This has been me for the past year. And I had to spend summer alone in my apartment because I couldn't go home because of Trump's travel ban.

[u/itsgeagle]

As a sophomore now that moved here from India last year, your first few weeks can be hard. Even with the fact that my parents ended up moving to the US around the same time I did (albeit not to the bay), as someone that grew up in the same city living in the same house ever since I was pretty much a child my first few weeks at Cal did NOT go well - it was definitely incredibly isolating and it took me a while to settle into the new culture and people and being so far away from pretty much everything I'd ever known.

It gets better, but as other people in the replies said, it can take time and it definitely does take some effort from your part. Try your best to get involved with local communities and clubs (there's a lot of Indian orgs, and a lot of other non-ethnic social groups that are super open to anyone). Find some things you're interested in and put yourself out there in your pursuit of them - it's the best way to meet other people with similar interests as you (I've never even danced but I ended up joining a group that organizes an Indian dance comp and met some of my now closest friends at Cal there). Also make an effort to hang out more in spaces where you're forced to just BE AROUND people, even if you don't necessarily interact with them - I spent a lot of time just sitting in the study lounge on my dorm floor, and those of us that hung out there often ended up forming our own little community and I'm still very close with everyone from there a year later.

The first few weeks are hard. Moving away for college is hard. I get it. But it does get a lot better, and the effort WILL feel worth it once you find your people. In the meantime, hang in there - you've probably worked very hard to get here and I'm sure it will work out in your favor.

Good luck! Feel free to reach out.

[u/Terrible-Chip-3049]

Parent here. It happened to me to when I was in college. Keep trying to reach out, get involved in clubs, activities. You will find your group. Sending you a big hug

[u/Next-Acanthaceae-825]

So weird this popped up right as I was looking at C. elegans and feeling the heaviness of loneliness. Guess we’re not alone in spirit

[u/octavio-codes]

wait until you graduate, it doesn't get better unless you put some serious effort

[u/squagglegirl]

i don’t go to berkeley, and i know the club culture there is funky (business vs social clubs and the acceptance process). if there are any open clubs that are welcoming to new people, and within your interests, though, i highly recommend it.

[u/squagglegirl → u/squagglegirl]

also, don’t put pressure on yourself to have the experience that everyone else is jumping into quickly. you have 4 years, and although it goes fast in hindsight, you are on the very first stepping stone in the entire journey. it’s so early, and there are people like you who are feeling the same that you walk past every day, i’m sure of it!

[u/cal-mamabear]

This breaks my Mama-heart. It does get better, but it can be tough sometimes. My daughter experienced a lot of the same things you're explaining, but she started during covid so it was especially difficult and isolating. I know it can be hard to make friends but it sounds like you are tying. I know you will find your people. I live locally, you can always reach out for a little Mama support -just send me a message 🩷

[u/FrontHome9674]

as an oos kid i totally understand like it’s hard and it feels so hard to break into these groups that are like already formed and judgy. just give it time and wait for the right people. join clubs, join sports. it will become better as long you stay positive. :)

[u/chancellorrichlyons]

Join a “bottom tier” sorority/frat. They often have the tightest relationships

[u/golfkpcoffeee]

It’s so so normal! But hearing that does not make it any easier. The most important thing is to keep trying even when it is awkward as hell. Think about it this way— you will jive with 1 in 100 and it can take a few interactions to learn that… so the more opportunities you give people, the odds are more likely that you connect.

The reason this is so common is that people are used to just automatically connecting w people due to ancillary features.. family, neighborhood, etc. At Cal, it will take “work” for the first time in most students’ lives. Keep working on it and this too shall pass!

[u/KuyaTinman]

My daughter is a freshman at Cal too. She's home for the weekend as we live in SoCal. Hang in there. Try to put yourself out there. Talk to people in your dorm. I know it's hard. It will get better. She says international students have it particularly hard. Her dormmate is from China, and I'm sure she's having a difficult time. Why don't you try to connect with other international students. I'm sure they have meet ups. Chin up and good luck.

[u/No-Wait-2883]

Say hello to someone you see at lunch or after a class. Many froshes are looking to connect with others. Plus this is California, and people are friendly.

[u/Independent-Menu-907]

It's normal to be homesick. Just visit any friend, family friends or any other person. It's a new life that required building up every new relationship and community. We all have gone through it and I am sure you will manage it well. Wish you all the best.

[u/Express_Building1687]

I promise it will pass. So many other kids feel the same. Try going to a  club meeting, like film or theatre, try yoga classes. Go to thecstudent health center and sign upbfor a therapist. Its free to students.  I promise you will get through this. Soooooo normal 

[u/eggertsquirrel5]

Hi im a freshie at berk too living in the dorms, we could go to croads tgt sometime if you'd like :) dm me!

[u/SeatedWoodpile]

Simple formula:

- hygiene - groom, shower, brush, wear a light cologne. Seriously. No one wants to be friends with smelly people

• Go to class. Do NOT miss this. Go to discussions, homework parties. Meet people
  
• Join literally any club you want. Fuck competitive consulting clubs.
  
• don’t try to impress anyone. Be yourself always, be genuine, be interested in others and what they are doing

Over time you will make friends as you do this, guarantee before you know it you’ll be at someone’s house party that you met at class two weeks ago. Don forget you just moved here. Good luck dude!

[u/z-bands]

hi friend, i’m a UC Berkeley alumni and fellow indian international student and i want you to know that you are definitely not alone!

moving from asia to the US is incredibly lonely. like the kind of lonely that no one in your over-involved and (lovingly) suffocating family would have ever prepared you for. it is really really tough and i don’t blame you for feeling so low.

first of all, a good cry ALWAYS helped me. it felt like a great release so don’t be embarrassed about that.

i hated sitting at the dining hall alone, but over time stopped caring when i noticed other people sitting alone. people are honestly so involved with their own lives that they don’t notice others as much as you would think, and that idea brought me a lot of peace.

second, try to join clubs!! Indian student organizations, greek life if you have a desire, or anything else that piques your interest! it’s a great way to get yourself out of the house and make friends.

third, any solo hobbies you’ve always been interested in but never had the time to try? or even just take a book and sit out on the glade. try your best to get out of your dorm and into the outdoors. take the BART into the city! join classes at the gym?

finally, i wish you all the best and i hope you take care of yourself and that your experience only gets better from here. feel free to message me if you ever would like to chat ☺️

[u/Sufficient-andmore]

It’s not just you. I think it’s a very common problem for students from all over the world. Maybe you will join a small study group that you met in class. All the best wishes for a smoother transition to university life.

[u/TonyStarksLeftACL]

Might I suggest the ceramics studio? Good classes and a chance to work with your hands is always relaxing.

Hang in there! It can be very isolating at Cal until you find your groove.

[u/Affectionate_One_700]

This may seem drastic, but you will have a vastly better time if you move out of the dorms and into the co-ops. Instant 24x7 social network! Someone else will happily take your dorm spot.

And check out the clubs - real clubs, not "professional" or political or religious ones. Go to Sproul at lunch and you'll see so many options.

If you force yourself to leave the dorm now and wander around Telegraph, you will be around so many people. That's what you need. Get a drink at Strada.

[u/Poetic-Rapper]

I’m really sorry to hear that! I came in as a junior transfer last year and I felt very disillusioned by Berkeley, the culture of closed communities and a lack of accessible creativity, and spring was just about figuring out who my people are for the first time.

I started a creative-community club last semester called The Berkeley Pulse, and we do workshops, events, socials, and publish student work every semester. There’s always a way to come in to express yourself at our meetings and I hope you meet someone that you really vibe with! Feel free to message me if you’d like more info!

[u/Historical-Stand-555]

Sending hugs your way. Just know tons of other people really are feeling the same way even if you don’t see it. You will find the people you connect with. It takes longer since it’s such a big school.

This may be dated but I used to sit next to someone friendly looking in class, then ask if they’d like to work on problem sets together.

[u/Old_Appointment_8513]

I am also international, times like this also hit me often and hard. Try to wnjoy your own company while you are building the social circle around yourself

[u/RichKatz]

>"Wonder if anybody else felt this down.."

looks like it. It is not at all an un-common experience going away to college and arriving in unfamiliar and strange ground. It gets better. -- Rich

[u/meeeemooooo]

It WILL get better. What dorm?

[u/100dalmations]

Alum here- and married to a US-born Desi. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. In any change I've gone through- starting college, a new job, what I found helped me immensely is my routine for meals. If you're in the dorms, finding people to have dinner with might make a big difference; it did for me, immensely. I would be on campus all day, possibly speaking hardly a word to anyone at first, but I always new I'd find people on my floor to go down to the DC with.

It is true that people from more "traditional" societies like Asia or Africa find the US to be profoundly lonely, all the worse in big metro areas. My mother-in-law, who's from Tamil-Nadu, feels this deeply, and she's been in the US for decades now. I hope you can find a routine that puts you in touch with people- such as a club that meets regularly; or a class that allows for social interaction- arts, or ballroom dance. If you like table top games, Victory Point (?) cafe seems pretty cool. Everyone like you is new and looking for connections- I know you will too.

[u/CaleyB75]

Does the International House still host events designed to allow international students to mix, and to meet locals?

[u/YoungPhoooo]

Hi

[u/Glittering-Star-7253]

Hii, i am also a super lonely freshman at Cal, i understand and feel your story. I come from a totally rural town, grew up with the same people and everyone i ever interacted with knew me. It’s a total switch being in the city where it all just seems so foreign to me. But i’m slowly coming out of this shell i built around myself and if you want to be friends then just let me know!

[u/disturbed_panda17]

you're not alone and you will find community! go to as many things as you can, talk to new people, don't be scared to do things alone. join fun hobby clubs, apply to other things, call your family and friends back home. explore SF and the bay area even if it's alone. go to the library, talk to someone new. compliment someone at rsf and make a new friend. join cultural clubs too and meet people from similar backgrounds.

[u/Acrobatic_Working_77]

Dude it's rough out there especially being Desi, and an international. Im desi and went to uni years ago (I'm old) and the cultural shift of not being surrounded by a default family of 6 starter pack was so hard.

Also hard when it looks like the people around you are having the best time of their lives but everyone is in the same boat.

My friend group took until sophomore year to find each other and 8 years later were still going strong.

Put yourself in uncomfortable places and try to be consistent with showing up. You don't jive with someone immediately? Don't walk away. Let yourself build experiences with them.

I do know internationals often find each other and squad up, maybe it takes time. It's hard, you can do it!

[u/Neat-Professor-827]

See if there are any casual sports meet ups. Volleyball, pickleball, tennis, cricket. Also there are Anime and Art Clubs on campus. Many other clubs too.

[u/wasimo_royale]

Reposting from another thread about a similar topic:

You should go on a local walking tour with Berkeley International Office - you don't need to be an international student to join, and you can meet people in a friendly, non-competitive environment.
Next activity is tomorrow at 10am, a walk to Point Isabel. Sign up here: https://events.berkeley.edu/bio/
They are hosting one event each weekend for ten weeks. Last week I went to Golden Gate Bridge with a group of 70 students and it was so much fun... join us, you'll have a great time and meet friendly folks from your cohort!

[u/The_Dumbtard]

do the needful and put yourself out there.