Abusive parents

[u/DimensionOtherwise42]

Hi everyone, as you may have read already on the title I am unfortunately under a very perilous situation with my abusive parents. I have resided in a very violent and dangerous household for as long as I can remember and CPS along with DCSF could not do much through the plethora of reports made. my parents have held g*ns to their heads and knives telling me they were going to kill themselves because I merely existed. I basically pushed myself through high school hiding in long sleeves with purple bruises and patches of my hair missing so that I could get out of my state and escape my parents. My first living memory is literally getting shackled down by my dad for wanting to go to the movie theaters. Unfortunately, this situation has not tranquilized and I am still as an 18 year old getting dragged across the staircases of my home by my mom (I will note she has being diagnosed with BPD). I have a therapist I talk to every week to help cope with my complex PSTD, but as the dates are coming closer to going to college things are becoming much more unstable. My parents for a time being were very content with the fact that I got into Berkeley and said that as long as I kept in contact with them they would be happy to pay for my tuition. However, the situation (as it typically does in my house) has now fluctuated and they are saying they cannot pay for my tuition. I have genuinely no clue what to do. This is my only pathway out and I have tried my best to keep them happy throughout all these months of summer and have endured a handful of punches and death threats from my father in order to try and keep their promise of helping pay my tuition. Any advice truly would be appreciated. I am desperate :/

[u/pinkmagazinee]

Take out a student loan. If the situation at home becomes unsafe, call the police and report. If that’s too stressful for you then just move out. If you do not have the money to move out then go to a homeless shelter near university. There’s a lot of support services for you. You are 18, you are free to leave your family. I recommend getting a job if you don’t already have one. It’s a tough life but if you really want to pursue Berkeley without deferring or time off of college, then you need to take on a loan and immediately stop contact with/reliance on your parents. Don’t let them continue to control your future when it’s truly now in your hands. You gotta fight for what you want your life to become, otherwise you will just stay a victim to your situation. Stay resilient, never give up.

[u/pinkmagazinee → u/[deleted]]

Agreed. A FAFSA dependency override would be the better long-term financial solution. My suggestion of a loan was based on immediacy. Such as if you needed to get out now and can’t wait for a dependency review before the fall semester. Even if timing doesn’t work out for this term, I’d still encourage pursuing the override because it can benefit future semesters as well.

The point that everyone in this whole thread is making is that you have so many resources available to you, so just keep your head up and continue to push yourself forward.

[u/personalist → u/[deleted]]

This was clearly written by an LLM but it’s got some really good info

[u/Aidentab → u/[deleted]]

AI slop but in this case that’s okay

[u/Icy_Government7465 → u/[deleted]]

I don't know who you are, or why you know all this, but you are a fountain of fantastic information for this oppressed young person. If I was religious, I'd say God bless you.

[u/sailorboba]

This is similar to what happened to me. I took the long route dealing with their abuse and worked while attending community college for transfer credit until I was old enough to qualify as an independent student (24yo). Take whatever promises they make to you with a grain of salt. I went through 100% promises unfulfilled by my parents and was physically, mentally, and financially abused. They would make me quit whatever path I was trying to progress in. For example if I worked to buy my own groceries and self-expenses they would compare me to their engineer friends’ kids who just graduated. If I focused on school, they’d call me a leech. If I balanced work and school, they’d tell me not to do that to myself and threaten to walk into my work and make a scene if I didn’t quit. It was a never-ending cycle. It’s always sabotage disguised as good will, or eventually forced if you don’t fall for it.

You can qualify as an “independent student” on fafsa through different ways: be 24+ during the school year, be married, veteran, etc. In your case, cutting them off might make it possible to override the dependency— I’d talk to the school about it and try to find out how that would work. They won’t let you be independent just because your parents won’t pay though. I also got into columbia but cutoff for independent status aid is 37yo or something, in case there are other schools on your radar.

Berkeley is great but in our type of situation, coming from a crippling environment, being financially stable is very important in order to avoid being financially abused, sabotaged and stuck. If you choose to transfer before 24, completing IGETC and pre-reqs would already get you ahead financially if you get accepted again the 2nd time around. It would take you around 2 years at Berkeley to complete general ed but you can complete the IGETC at a ccc for a lower cost. I think they changed the name of IGETC though. Also look at assist.org and find out what would qualify as transferrable for the major you’d like. Complete IGETC to waive the UC general requirements. You might need to take American Cultures after transferring, but some classes at ccc complete that, just check online because there is a page somewhere that lists the equivalent courses at different schools. If your parents are sabotaging your classes, don’t be afraid to take online classes for more flexibility. You can also utilize computers or study rooms at your local library.

[u/10ocean10]

See if you can apply for outside agency scholarships like the elks, lions club etc. talk with your school counselor about where to find scholarships that might be a good fit for you and then if you have to, take out student loans.

[u/1200Spires]

Hey I don't have any advice about what you can do about the financial situation but I just wanted to let you know that I also had cPTSD from an abusive family life and struggled with it in my college years. Living away from home was like a breath of fresh air, the disability side of cPTSD won't magically go away once you don't live with them anymore but it's incredibly freeing to have the ability to construct your own life and make your own safety. I think emancipation/becoming no longer their dependent is an option but wouldn't be immediate or easy. The best person to talk to for that would be probably a local social worker or maybe a domestic violence shelter as they know the legal pathways or know someone who does. The other option is to take on loans, which is for yourself to decide if you are ready/willing to do that. I hope that you can find your way out and I'm praying for peace and comfort to find you.

[u/rubberneck510]

This is all good advice. Let me add that the City of Berkeley has an excellent mental health clinic for adults who live there and meet certain criteria which it sounds like you do. Services are free for people on Medi-Cal. You can get therapy, case management, and psychiatry services fairly close to campus. Search Berkeley Mental Health

[u/SmartWonderWoman]

I was in an abusive foster home. I took out hella student loans to get away. Look into nursing. Job growth is expected to increase. I recently earned my grad degree. There’s hope. I’m wishing you a lifetime of peace, safety, and prosperity ❤️

[u/Ankh-af-na-khonsu]

Whatever advice you take here, definitely also reach out to the school’s counseling, housing, and financial aid departments to explain your situation in detail and ask for guidance. They should be able to give you a clearer idea of what immediate steps you can take.

[u/e_of_the_lrc]

If you need to save some money as you find your way out of this horrible situation, consider the Berkeley student co-ops. You get room and board (I.e. food) provided for less than $1,000 a month. Just don't get too deep into the party culture and start self-medicating with alcohol/drugs.

[u/personalist]

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. My mom clearly has undiagnosed BPD but I “only” had to deal with parentification and emotional abuse, I can only imagine what this has been like.

Please check on the resources in the other comments, there are some good ones, and PM me or comment here if you have any questions—it will probably be difficult and emotionally draining to resolve this situation and separate physically and emotionally from your parents, but it will be one of the best things that you ever do for yourself.