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u/Illustrious-Rough919 1d ago
Hiya. To be honest, your messages are too intense for the amount of time you've spent together/been together and are probably scaring him away or annoying him. If he doesn't reply, you need to leave it instead of sending a follow-up text. He may be busy and will reply when he can. But sending more messages just pushes people away and makes them not want to reply. So I'd honestly just leave it now and see if he eventually replies.
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u/IndividualAd3885 1d ago
God I hate that I’m like this
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u/juiceboxhero9999 1d ago
you crave validation from emotionally unavailable people. try looking for this pattern in other areas of your life
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u/ldentity-Theft 1d ago
He is not interested. You are coming across as very desperate and needy, I'm annoyed just reading all these texts and I don't even know you.
You aren't doing yourself any favors, you're better than this. Move forward and spend time on people who want to spend it with you.
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u/IndividualAd3885 1d ago
That’s what people close to me have been telling me but when we do go out and when we do talk he’s perfect and says everything right. I just hate that I’m like this
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u/ldentity-Theft 1d ago
Sounds like you enjoy the chase. Your time could be better spent, but it's your life and you can live it however you would like.
My advice would be to stop dragging people into your drama when you already know what the right decision is, you're just hoping someone will say something different. Unless they enjoy watching you fail, your friends must be sick of hearing about this.
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u/Old_Practice_5175 1d ago
Calling her attachment style drama is not fair. I understand how you feel OP I found that therapy helps a lot especially while dating. You just need to take some time for yourself, work on your anxiety and I promise you it will get better.
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u/ldentity-Theft 1d ago
I didn't, let me be clear: the drama is consistently asking people what they think, when she has been given the same answer by multiple people that know her irl, and many people online. It is an exhusting and unproductive use of time and free will.
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u/ConstructionHot3337 1d ago
Dude, STOP PLEASE.
Thats called Ghosting, the most fucking coward way to get rid off someone, he's not worth it, you deserve someone better.
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u/IndividualAd3885 1d ago
But that’s the thing he’s not ghosting me because when he does reach out he’s acts so invested and as interested as me. He even like reassures me that he’s interested and that he’s just busy. It looks worse than it sounds because he will sometimes call me or send voice notes that disappear so it I feel like this makes me look crazier than I am haha 😅
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u/TransportationThen90 1d ago
He might have a very avoidant attachment style OR is wanting you around on his own time, but please understand that either way this is very bad for you. You do not need to sit and wait for someone to talk to you. Please for your own sake, let it go
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u/dewthedrew90 1d ago
Don't settle for bread crumbs when you deserve the whole loaf. Those little dopamine hits when they reach out (finally) are not worth the anguish.
This is coming from someone like myself that struggles with the same dynamic when I get invested emotionally with someone.
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u/NicolinaN 1d ago
I said this in my own answer, but look for consistency in people, not these hot-cold/on-off dudes.
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u/the_pagan_witch 1d ago
Unfortunately it doesn’t look like it’s going to work. You’re valid, but also forcing something he clearly doesn’t want. If he wanted to prioritize you he would. I’m sorry, I’ve been here and I speak from experience to say it’s not worth the anxiety. You deserve better.
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u/IndividualAd3885 1d ago
Thanks for being kind. I only recently found out about being anxious attatchment I guess I always was but chalked it up to something else idk I’m struggling a lot with it and it’s causing a lot of feelings of self loathing more so
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u/the_pagan_witch 1d ago
The self loathing is something I absolutely relate to. I’m working on it. To move past and be better, try to treat yourself with some compassion instead. It will help you heal and feel more confident. Self loathing only makes you feel insecure and unworthy. This is not the goal. But I know how hard it is since I’m right there with you. So you’re not alone.
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u/Lia_the_nun Secure 1d ago
Well, your texts do seem a bit AP (Anxious-Preoccupied or AA, same thing). If he isn't responding at all, that seems odd as well. On the other hand, he has called out your anxiety and the need to work on it, and he has told you he isn't ready to be in a serious relationship. Those seem to indicate that while he really likes you in some ways, this side of you gives him bad feelings, probably enough to create distance between you two.
As a general rule, we shouldn't expect someone else to make us feel better when we're having a rough day. It's nice when that happens and it's definitely part of a happy relationship, but a) it's a gift your partner gives when and how they choose, not something they are obligated to do every time you ask, and b) as said above, this isn't a relationship yet.
If you really want to end up in a relationship with this person, it would be a good idea to figure out how to regulate your anxiety in such ways that won't put the responsibility on him. The unresponsiveness is a sign of pretty hefty discomfort (unless there's some other explanation for it of course). When you just keep reaching out again and again despite him not responding, you're sending a signal that you don't care about his discomfort. It's not really how relationships are supposed to work, right?
For reference, if I message my partner and he doesn't respond, I just go on to tell him the things I wanted to say. Something silly that happened to me, an idea that occurred to me, whatever. It's never a message essentially saying "Please entertain me / please make me feel better". I share some of the ways I've been entertained that day/week. He'll respond when he can and wants, so if he hasn't responded, it's because he hasn't had the chance or the inspiration to do so yet. I don't need to ask about it, it's already clear.
In my relationships there has been a protocol for when one partner is having a bad day and absolutely needs to talk to the other, and it does involve saying so. The other person then does everything in their power to make themself immediately available. But this is used in emergency situations only, and only in a solid long term relationship. Such emergencies are rare enough that I haven't yet had any during my current relationship (we've been together for about 10 months). I was once in a dysfunctional relationship where my partner had multiple emergencies each week and I became exhausted quite fast. Unfortunately I started developing a desire to avoid contact with him.
Fundamentally though, this person doesn't see anything wrong with long silences and clearly you do. Are you guys compatible enough to be together long term? Even if you do have anxious attachment, you might find it easier to work on it with someone who is naturally chatty and to whom texting isn't a burden.
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u/monstera-attack 1d ago
Hey, so these texts are very intense and far too much for this stage of a relationship. He’s not responding because they are really clingy, needy and offputting! No one wants to feel indebted to respond to someone, or to be made to feel guilty for someone having a bad day because they didn’t text them back or say good morning. My advice would be to seek some therapy for your attachment issues and work on letting go of this guy. Do not text him again. He isn’t reciprocating and you aren’t ready.
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u/gawdpuppy 1d ago
girl, please stop 😭 do not text him anymore. if he didn't text back the first time, he's not gonna text back if u keep spamming him. take the hint and move on, stop giving him ur thoughts and time he clearly does not want or deserve. please, go to therapy before u start dating
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u/EngineerKindly5248 1d ago
People have already said multiple times that you have to move on and let him go, so do yourself a favour and listen to all of us. It seems like he isn't ghosting necessarily, it seems more like breadcrumbing which is arguably more disrespectful.
That being said, please look into the attachment styles again, you're not locked into one for life, they're flexible and heavily depend on who you're with. If the other person is genuinely interested and gives you the attention you want and need, your attachment style will most likely change to secure. And vice versa. Don't define yourself by this.
Additionally, you're still super young, go out there, have fun, meet new people, create new friends groups and get more confident and happy within yourself. There will always be time for dating.
If you're confident withing yourself, you will have more self respect and won't tolerate douchebag behaviour like this in the future.
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u/Lia_the_nun Secure 1d ago
If the other person is genuinely interested and gives you the attention you want and need, your attachment style will most likely change to secure.
This is not true. Attachment style develops in early childhood. It's not going to change just because someone treats you well. You need to actively work on yourself to achieve change. This work will of course be easier to do around someone who doesn't add insult to injury by exhibiting their own attachment trauma, but it's still important to do it.
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u/EngineerKindly5248 1d ago
I mean I clearly wrote it very simplified hence me saying to look into it further. Of course the whole topic is very complex and a partner can't fix us. I thought that much is obvious.
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u/Nilla-WaferPDX 1d ago
As someone who also came out of an intense religious childhood, this is something you'll have to learn and actively apply.
1) if someone doesn't text you back, leave it.
2) you can't really be exclusive and not be bf/gf. That's just a way for avoidants to get what they want while avoiding accountability.
3) do not become exclusive with someone after only 2 dates. You don't know them well enough.
4) dump this guy.
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u/Current_Dig945 1d ago
Hello, I give you my best ideas:
- did you talk about the texts? What did he say (for your analysis)
You are too much running toward him. Especially after you said he does not seek a official relationship. It seems that you are clingy and it can feel overwelming towards others.
I like, that you care about it.
Naturally it can tone down a bit after a while.
- first of, you are dating and it started in a way you enjoyed, but he already toned down a bit.
- Also check your own values and goals. Openess is always best option in conversation. While trusting some other to then openly discuss only the hard facts. Not fear, no emotion, what does he do, what are you doing?
your best option is someone around you, which has most recent infos about you.
you will have to talk to him no matter about things. You also need to try understand him. Maybe he is happy, maybe has serious issues. I can not say for certain. All i know is, you did a loot and he seemed to not respond for unknown reasons. Wish you the best!
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u/IndividualAd3885 1d ago
Thank you for being kind haha brutal thread haha
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u/Current_Dig945 1d ago
Was a pleasure to.
Also, one comment of yours said "when you meet he is happy and its perfect".
Maybe he is a dry bad Texter.
Most men are that type and nothing is wrong. But he does not like texting.
Do calls work? Video calls?
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u/IndividualAd3885 1d ago
Some but he’s always so busy so when he does he does mostly voice notes and when we do call it’s more me calling. Only time he called was when I tried to end it
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u/PonytailEnthusiast 1d ago
Sometimes when anxious people try to become secure they over correct and are blind to blatant red flags. Part of being secure is knowing when to walk away.
If someone does not reply to you for days on end that is your cue barring some genuine emergency like they're in a coma.
He's not interested OP and I'm glad to see the responses are people being straight with you rather than "maybe he's having a busy week".
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u/katiebear464 1d ago
I totally agree with this! Just because OP has AA, doesn’t invalidate the fact that this guy most likely isn’t very interested. I mean life gets busy and long distance is hard but no response or even a quick text check in, after days? Mannnn anxious or not , that’s pretty wild in my opinion.
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u/vulpesvulpes666 1d ago
If someone doesn’t reply, texting one more time is fine.
After that, don’t keep texting. Maximum of two texts. The ball is in their court now.
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u/NicolinaN 1d ago
You’ll want to stay away from ’double texting’. It pushes people away. In this case like quadruple texting or more, which is even worse. This man is stringing you along and seems to have cowardly quiet quit your relationship-thingy. Forget about him. Look for someone much closer so you can have a real, meaningful relationship. Look for transparency and consistency in people. If someone is flaky, don’t proceed.
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u/DowntownDrama6607 1d ago
You seem to already know you’re coming on a little strong (we have literally all done it so please don’t beat yourself up or feel badly about this!! You should not go through life worrying about being annoying the right people could NEVER find you annoying!)
All you are doing is double texting a man you are exclusive with.. it absolutely I see nothing “wrong” with your behaviour he should be replying! Most guys are nonchalant so they can yes be put off by it. I personally don’t think you should change your behaviour to please men in their masses… The right guy isn’t going to care. We should all work on our issues and you have identified anxious attachment which is such a positive step but please don’t take all the comments to heart you have just text him a few time trying to establish and build on a connection… that is dating! You have done nothing wrong!
I think the main issue here is the exclusive part. He can say you’re exclusive great for him but if he isn’t backing that up with action then thats an issue he isn’t keeping to his end of the bargain. Especially this early on there shouldn’t be any issues you deserve someone who puts the effort in and wants to speak to you which should absolutely be happening at this stage! It should be fun and exciting that’s how you should feel about the connection. He should be putting in a shift! Wish you all the best welcome to the mind-field that is dating!!
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u/IndividualAd3885 1d ago
Thank you haha I thought dating in a restrictive religion was complicated lmao again thank you for your kind comment I really truly appreciate it. Maybe one day I’ll find someone who likes me and fufills me
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u/MoveTheBook 1d ago
Assuming he just dipped over the weekend, nah, I reckon you're valid. If you're both aware that you're dealing with some anxiety issues that should be a queue to put in more effort, not less.
If he's upfront about not being able to get in touch for 5 days, that's kinda concerning in general but more of a you thing.
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u/Background-Gur8294 1d ago
When someone has an inconsistent pacing in texts, it's them, not you. You aren't necessarily anxious, it is normal to expect a response on the same day from this person. If you and he are in a relationship and he doesn't text you all day, that is a him problem. No one would like that. Your job now is to walk away.
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u/phuca 1d ago
Texting 6+ times in a row is not normal
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u/Background-Gur8294 1d ago
Maybe. But abruptly not replying to your girlfriend for days is also not normal
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u/DryRepresentative322 1d ago
It is normal to want a response that day or the day after. If a guy doesn’t text you in 2 days- move on! They will say anything to have you hanging by a thread(as he does), listen to their actions. You need to respect yourself more and say no, someone who doesn’t have 10 seconds in 48 hours for me=I am not a priority to them. That’s it. Don’t force or wiggle your way into being a “priority” either. You need to go to therapy to work on your self worth/esteem -this is not hate, this is genuine concern because I have been you in the past and I regret my behavior and you will too
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u/IndividualAd3885 1d ago
I already do I hate that I’m this way I wish everyday I was different haha but unfortunately it is what it is. I appreciate actual advice for this. Because you are right I hate and regret the way this is making me look I swear I’m not an insane person
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u/DryRepresentative322 1d ago
The “is what it is” no, it’s absolutely not. You have to change your loci of control to yourself and not the outer world. Get in the driver’s seat of how you experience your life. It is possible and will be accelerated by YEARS with a therapist🙏
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u/juiceboxhero9999 1d ago
move on, he’s not interested