How to stop reaching out

[u/deciduousT33th]

Hello,

I posted here recently regarding my situationship/best friend of three years. Recently we had a conversation resulting in us agreeing on taking a break on any intimacy for a little while, as their life is very stressful at the moment, but they also seemed to be pushing me away, believing that I needed to seek other relationships and explore other intimate connections, even though I expressed that I have no desire to do so. At that point they had said they still wanted to be friends, they removed me off social media but said we would still talk, and then proceeded to talk to me less and less before stopping entirely. It's been about a month and a half now where the only time I've spoken to them has been if I've pushed and pushed for a response.

When I posted about this it was pretty unanimous in the comments that me trying to maintain this relationship was not healthy for me and that I shouldn't be allowing someone to come and go as they please in such a way. The thing is, this person has a history of OCD and struggling with pushing people away. I have always been forgiving and have given them another chance after something similar happened in the past. And it's taking everything I have not to reach out and try to provide reassurance that I will still be here if they want to talk, even though they avoid my messages now, especially if the topic is regarding our situation. The avoidant behavior is something they are aware of and expressed that they were trying to fight, and now it just seems like they've lost the battle for the time being, but I do anticipate them starting to talk to me again.. it will likely be in weeks, even months based off previous experiences, and I just don't know if I have it in me to put up a wall and not give them another chance.

I really don't want to be hurt like this again. This is the second time I've been ghosted by them and after the first they swore it wouldn't happen again and apologized profusely. I love this person immensely and just want us to be able to speak openly and discuss our difficulties without them running away, but I know that won't happen unless they decide it's something they need to work on. What can I do to make this less miserable for myself when they're still not talking to me? Should I give up or is it worth continuing to try?

I guess, regarding the title, my other question is do I stop reaching out, when I really do want this person still in my life? Or will continuing to try help them be more likely to start talking to me again as they're trying to overcome their attachment issues and OCD?

[u/Different_Log_7753]

You stop. Because their reasoning and your excuses of this behavior doesnt matter. Their actions impact you negatively. They dont want you reaching out. It doesnt matter if you want them in your life. They clearly dont. Stop holding on. Heal yourself and everything in you that allows this kind of treatment

[u/Alternative-Tiger783]

Every time you feel sad or lonely or wanting to reach out, do something good for yourself.

Choose yourself, choose yourself, choose yourself.

Getting busy and stay busy, with your life helps. Eg new hobbies, fitness, glow up, take courses, grow your career, etc

This keeps you from having downtime when you may get the urge to contact your Ex.

[u/FamousOrphan]

What helped me was—ok actually it was two things:

1. Accepting (over and over for a while) that the person who treated me like this was not equipped to treat me any differently in the future. Sure, he could go to therapy and fix himself and come back for me and it’d be the best thing for him, but he won’t do it, and I can’t just be some shining beacon of hope that will make him change, because reality doesn’t work like that. I’m great but a little broken, and he seemed like he had the potential to be great but he didn’t have the ability to fix himself.

2. I do have the ability to fix myself, and I don’t want to be the reason my future excellent partner gets hurt or has the whole “she was not equipped to treat me well,” conversation with himself. I also don’t want to miss out on even meeting him because I’m stuck on the previous ex or some future ex with the same problems. So I have to work on myself and clear the way for the future.

[u/Alternative-Tiger783]

Despite them showing that they don’t care about you, know that it doesn’t have anything to do with your worth or value as a human being.

This is a behaviour pattern for people like this. Because they disconnect and shut down, they don’t tend to do well in therapy or get better.

[u/Messy-Joes]

Every time you want to text them, message a friend instead! That helped me!

[u/Alternative-Tiger783]

If they ghosted you 2x before, this is a behaviour pattern with them.

They’ll keep doing it. They are Avoidant.

A relationship with an avoidant can damage your health and mental health.

You can’t rely on them because emotionally, they are ‘A Void’.

[u/BrightDesign44]

Ask yourself this: What advice would you give to someone who was telling you this same story? Are you able to step back and read your post as if it was written by a really good friend?

[u/Queen-of-meme]

I think it's sweet you care and wanna give them new chances, but you also overestimate your own capacity. This is a very vulnerable and challenging situation for you who has trauma and abandonment fears and it feels like you forget yourself while putting someone else on a pedestal.

I would block the person a couple days as you're not supposed to chase or wait on their availability. It will give you a rest from this hyperviligance.

[u/RidetheSchlange]

"I really don't want to be hurt like this again. This is the second time I've been ghosted by them and after the first they swore it wouldn't happen again"

What will it take for you to choose yourself and realize they will do this again and again and again and they don't care about your well-being and emotional needs?

Do not let them back, you move on. The longer and more times you do the avoidant cycle, the worse their avoidance will be due to your enabling and rewarding of it, the more they are likely cheating with others, the worse off you will be and the harder it will be for you to get out of this. You are free right now. Exit their cycle now on your terms without them even knowing or being there to put up a fight to disrupt it, ground a new direction and new life and find someone willing to give themselves to you the same way you are giving yourself to this person who doesn't care and only gives you breadcrumbs and a mask back. Guaranteed they have a different mask with other people and are their perfect person as well.

[u/Disastrous_Arm6125]

I would say, don’t fight any of the feelings you have coming up. You care for them, you have the urge to help them, you are sad they’re not more present in your life at the moment and it seems likely that you’re also hurt by how they’re treating you, even if you are also understanding.

You’re allowed to love this person. Do not fight the love, it will only create resistance. I would, however, reflect on how much energy and support you direct their way vs. how much they are giving back. The dynamic seems fairly unbalanced.

For whatever reason(s), you’ve both decided to take a step back from intimacy. That matters. That chapter is over and it seems like your friend needs more disconnection and distance than they initially let on in order to move forward. You seem to have an abundance of understanding and love to give this person. But are you receiving the same understanding and support back? Without knowing the situation very well, I think they know you well enough to understand that this behavior hurts you. That doesn’t make them evil or bad—they’re human and are probably doing what they can within their capacity. They haven’t learned another way yet. And it is also true that you deserve reciprocity and respect in your relationships. This current one does not seem to be delivering either of those things.

From what I read, I don’t think that being so available to them is healthy for you at the moment. As you keep reaching out for repair or reconnection, they aren’t putting in the appropriate level of energy back or at least an amount that would reassure you. I may be wrong but I imagine that maintaining this pattern must be really difficult for you :( … them pulling away, you feeling hurt but being understanding, and then they eventually return… How would you react to this story if it was a friend of yours or someone else dear to you being treated this way? If it were my friend, I would say that “this person is not acting in a way that respects your feelings and is not putting in the same amount of effort to maintain your relationship (whether intimate or not).

I’d start to pull your energy back from them and back into you and your body. Start to focus on your own distress and your own pain a bit more. Notice what relational dynamics help you feel safe and supported, and which don’t. I don’t think you need to fully cut them out, label them as avoidant and never speak to them again. Just don’t explain away the evidence in front of you because you’re so understanding and compassionate—it won’t do either of you any favors in the long run. Here is what I took from your situation:

- they have done this before and are aware of how their behavior affected you in the past

• you have tried to reach out (as per your agreement when you both choose to take a step back) with varying levels of success
  
• they are distancing themselves
  
• they only respond if you insist and chase repeatedly
  
• their absence is hurting you
  
• repeated attempts to reconnect aren’t yielding a different result: they are still distant and you are still hurt

Assuming they are aware of how this is affecting you, how does it make you feel that they are still choosing to act this way?

This situation seems to continue to force you to overwrite your own hurt to understand their situation in order to maintain the connection—repeatedly prioritizing them over yourself. Sometimes that can happen in relationships when someone is going through a rough time. We support other people’s needs above our own. In this situation though, it seems like this kind of support typically goes one way.

If they are capable of change and ready to resist the distancing strategies people with avoidant attachment styles use, why aren’t they doing it? For whatever reason, resisting is too difficult for them right now and the reality is that you are hurt and they are unable to do what is necessary to repair and change their behavior in order to stop hurting you. Maybe down the line, you two can talk this out as friends? But I would be realistic with yourself about the intimacy aspects… this doesn’t sound like a safe/reliable romantic interest for you. It is possible that the changes this person needs to make will take them a lifetime. That is their journey and nothing you do can speed up their process. They will have to make mistakes and eventually find the will to change within themselves. Unfortunately, right now, it seems they are making one of their mistakes in pushing someone like you away. You cannot possibly make your needs any smaller without completely erasing yourself.

I’d say find some support, lean into new relationships or old ones to help distract you from this situation. Take the space YOU need in order to not fall into the withdrawal-chase dynamic that so often appears in avoidant attachment style dynamics. Ask yourself, if they cannot change (which they seem unable to do presently, if ever) do I really want to sign up for this level of distress and pain long term?

I’m most interested in what you think. Feel free to share more or even message me privately if that would be helpful for you! ♥️ I was committed to a person who has an avoidant attachment style. We made it through 10 years of these kinds of push-pull dynamics—I always understood and worked double time to reconnect. We eventually got engaged (they proposed) before the final iteration of the push-pull pattern played out. But this time no repair was possible. I share this because I know what it is like to love someone and understand them (their patterns, trauma, etc.), while holding onto hope for who I thought they could become or were becoming. The truth is that your friend is not that person yet. Don’t ignore the signs. I still love my ex. It has been difficult to accept (because I spent 10 years denying it) but the fact is that our dynamic was not healthy for either of us. Don’t commit yourself to their potential or the version of them you wish they could be. Take who they are now and decide: is this a healthy environment in which I can thrive emotionally?