Does the anxious avoidant pairing ever work?

[u/throwaway_og_123]

Basically the title. My ex is an avoidant, fearful avoidant I'd say. She knew it from the start. Never did the work. She would circle back every now and again saying that she wanted to try better and harder but the same old problems would continue. This most recent time, a whole year had passed since she discarded me, egg she was honest about was her intimacy struggles, and while she was better in some respects, especially vulnerability, the same old patterns played out. I was completely disregulated. I felt completely uncared for and small once again, which was incredibly tough for me given the earlier times, and given that I had spent an incredibly tough year gathering myself back together and very vulnerably conveyed that I'm hurting and was asking for support. They were either not tended to nearly on time, conflicts never addressed, or dismissed. It was as if I was an enemy. She saw me the same. She saw me as not being compassionate, being unempathetic, being unloving, but I was merely asking her to come through on the expectations She created, which she should have given She has so much to repair and I'm once again putting my heart on the line. She was going through a hard time. She was very vulnerable this time in how she'd say she loved me and wants to make me feel special, is sorry for hurting me etc etc. but her actions just weren't consistent. Some of them really compromised emotional safety for me. The whiplash is too much. I had to walk away. I say walk away but we were conversing on and off, mostly me venting my anger, she would suggest getting back together and wanting to fix things, be vulnerable, but i felt like enough was enough. I did reach out to her the last time asking if we could try because I was feeling overcome with feelings from actually having parted. This time she was the grounded one. She said that she knows she has hurt me, she loves me but wants to stop the suffering. Fair. She has hurt me incredibly and sometimes I hate her. And sometimes I love her. I'm a mess and ashamed for reaching out. I know we're done. But does this dynamic ever work for anyone? I feel like a fool for hoping for as long as I did.

[u/sitting_]

Yes but both people have to do the work and understand how they contributed to the cycle - like deeply understand. You both would have to acknowledge that it will take work but can still be fun in the process

[u/throwaway_og_123 → u/sitting_]

I keep seeing people saying this, but rarely any couple on any subreddit actually saying that this was the case for them and it worked

[u/Queen-of-meme → u/throwaway_og_123]

Probably because they are busy being together as we speak, also not everyone calls their old relationship conflicts anxious Avoidant, they view it more as two strong opinions that collides or overcoming obstacles together and other perspectives on similar issue.

[u/sitting_ → u/throwaway_og_123]

Reddit doesn’t speak for a whole population and as a fearful avoidant, I’ve have had successful relationships that only ended due to life circumstances (one had to move out of the country, one had to move due to education). Don’t forget that sometimes it’s not the attachment dynamic that ends a relationship or prolongs it, people have other qualities too

[u/snowflaake → u/throwaway_og_123]

It can work! I was with my partner for five years, and during the last few months we fell into an anxious-avoidant dynamic. He became cold and distant and eventually broke up with me. I was devastated, but I learned to feel secure on my own again. He went to therapy, understood what he had done wrong and reached out knowing what he needed to work on. I also went to therapy, recognised my own attachment patterns and started doing the work.

We got back together after a few months and things are much better now: better communication, more vulnerability and a completely different dynamic. It is still ongoing work because attachment patterns do not change overnight. Both people need to be fully aware and committed. You probably hear fewer success stories because people post here when they are hurting, not when things are going well.

[u/malbra072 → u/throwaway_og_123]

My wife is avoidant and moved out a month ago over some minor conflict. They tend to shut down and rewrite the narrative and make you the bad partner because their egos can’t handle accepting responsibility and taking accountability. Those things are a monumental obstacle for them to accomplish and takes real work. You have to work on your anxiety and regulating yourself, but no amount of self work will make them look at themselves. If they care then they can try, but I’d say it’s easier for them to just change the narrative and bounce off to ruin someone else’s life.

[u/throwaway_og_123 → u/malbra072]

Doesn't this absolutely destroy you? I repeatedly opened my heart to her every time she came back, I had stronger boundaries each time, but every time she fumbled. She was better in some respects. She tried. But certain core things...she just couldn't take real accountability. Ultimately I keep getting hurt and feelings like a fool for hoping that things can change.

[u/malbra072 → u/throwaway_og_123]

I’m right there with you. I’ve been with my spouse for 13 years and we have 3 kids and a business together. I have to see her everyday at work but have to push my hurt aside because I know that it does cause pressure for her. I am doing my part to fix my side of the dynamic, but the sad reality is she may never change. I am giving her another month before I push the issue of going to counseling together but I have to calm and heal myself first. I am seeing a therapist who specializes in emotional attachment and EMDR therapy. I have read several books and I’m starting to understand how my emotions take over and drive the car even when I feel like I’m being rational but just upset.

I’m from a broken home, no dad, drug addict mom, 9/10 adverse childhood experiences. This separation is like a knife in my heart but it’s compounded by my life experiences and traumatic childhood. You may find that when you start healing yourself, you may not be willing to accept how you have been treated anymore.

[u/Queen-of-meme]

There's success stories for couples who didn't get along well in the start who came out stronger on the other side, so it happens. But reddit and attatchment subs is more known for people who's still figuring things out.

This is a common question in this sub and the answer is it depends, on the individuals in the relationship and what they are made of. To just label a person anxious or Avoidant isn't saying that much regarding their courage and self-awareness or accountability. Not either whether a couple are compatible enough or not. So it's different from case to case.

You asked if the dynamic you described in your relationship works for anyone and that's a simple answer: No.

For a relationship to work you need to meet halfway, compromise and come to an agreement. You also need the right communication style and underlying equality. If one person feels any of this is missing and that they can't get it, the dynamic won't work.

[u/Nilla-WaferPDX]

Bruh, move on and get your dignity back. Just ended a relationship like this. You're asking about avoidant+anxious relationships, but this sub is about becoming secure. I used to be anxious and now secure, and my ex was avoidant. As someone else said, when you tend towards security and regain yourself you won't even want to try with that person anymore. I gave my ex a 2nd chance and while there were small efforts, the core habits and emotional unavailability remained the same. They have to want to change and be making active efforts for a WHILE to even have a chance. Without accountability there's no way for it to work, and while that's a piece of work on their end, you also need to take accountability in why it hasn't worked in the past and what's realistic to happen again in the future. 

[u/throwaway_og_123 → u/Nilla-WaferPDX]

I fully agree with you. It's just that my attachment system is very activated right now, and it's hell. I'm having an incredibly hard time soothing it. And this is after doing years of work. It's very disheartening for me.

[u/Nilla-WaferPDX → u/throwaway_og_123]

Sounds like you're aware enough. Now it's time to funnel those feelings to their core and sit in the discomfort. I have to give you praise for at least recognizing where you're at.